Family – Page 13 – Growing 4 Life

Parenting 101: What Does My Marriage Have To Do With It?

2 Comments / January 7, 2014 January 7, 2014

The little girl stared wide-eyed at her parents. The family was eating a dinner like any normal night. The mom had cooked a meal and when the dad had come home from work the family all took a seat at the table. But somewhere during the course of conversation that night, the mom and dad had started to argue. The argument had become quite heated and the little girl was scared. The big “D” word played over and over in her mind. She thought of some of her friends who lived with just their moms.

After dinner, she quietly left the table and hurried upstairs where she grabbed a small suitcase and started packing. She didn’t know what was going to happen but she knew she didn’t want to be around to watch it.

She didn’t get very far. Her parents found her and they all had a good talk.

That little girl was me. I do not remember much about my childhood but I do remember that evening. I was only a small girl — maybe six or seven. But seeing my mom and dad fight scared me to death. Thankfully, I was in a home where that was not a daily occurrence and when it was over, it was over. Genuine apologies were made and life moved on.

I tell you that story because I think it shows just a bit what our children think when we are struggling to get along as a couple. I can also remember when Eric and I went through a very difficult period for about a year early on in our marriage. No cause showed itself and eventually it just got better but, for whatever reason, we just couldn’t get along during that time. While we struggled, one of our children would get up every night with a bellyache. It wasn’t until later that we put two and two together and realized that the poor child’s fear of an impending divorce was showing up in her belly. Now, we knew we weren’t getting divorced– just as my parents knew they weren’t getting divorced when I heard them fighting– but she didn’t know that.

Can you see how critical it is that we make sure our kids know how much we love each other? That they understand that we will never, ever get divorced? But only if it’s true. Don’t lie to them. That will make things worse.

And, I might add here before moving on– I understand that some of you are married to uncooperative and ungodly spouses. I grieve with you over that. Keep praying. And may that motivate you to pray that your children would choose godly spouses as they grow up.

But for those of you who are married to a Christian spouse and really want a strong family with well-adjusted kids, be sure to keep your marriage a strong priority. I can think of three specific reasons–

1. It provides a security like no other for a child. The world can be in utter chaos, but if home is a safe and happy place, our children feel secure.

2. It provides consistency between mom and dad that is comforting and helpful to growing kids. Kids are smart and if they can play mom and dad against each other to get their own way, they will do it. Healthy marriages keep these games to a minimum.

3. It gives them a godly example of marriage to emulate in their own lives when that time comes. Children in homes with healthy marriages are much more likely to have their own healthy marriages. Whether we like it or not, most of us end up being just like our parents. We end up arguing like them, serving (or not serving) like them, going to church as often as them, and parenting like them. Oh, many of us make changes because we see the need, but our natural inclination is to be like our parents. With that in mind, it is important that we have a healthy marriage now so that our kids have a much better opportunity to have healthy homes of their own one day.

So, now that we understand how important it is, how do we go about doing that?

Most of us are familiar with the Ephesians 5:22-29 passage about a woman submitting to her husband and a man loving his wife. We women get very “up in arms” over that word submit. But should we? Of course, over the centuries, many misguided men have twisted that word to be synonymous with the word doormat. But is that what the Lord meant? I think not, given the exhortation for men to cherish their wives. Men who cherish their wives do not treat them like doormats.

Very simply, a healthy marriage consists of two people giving up their own selfish desires for the other person. Of course, as a believer, we should desire to think less of self in all relationships (Philippians 2:3-5), but this fruit of selflessness is never so sorely tried as in marriage. For in marriage, we cannot hide our selfish motives and unkind hearts. We can’t hide our sinful habits and our big mouths.

And, interestingly enough, I found out rather recently in my own marriage that when one of the marriage partners makes an effort in being kind and loving and unselfish instead of snappy and critical, oftentimes the other person will rise to meet them in that effort. And– just to be clear– it was my sweet husband who reminded me of what marriage can be by going above and beyond. His actions motivated me to meet him half-way in making our relationship so much healthier.

All marriages go through good times and difficult times. Meanwhile our kids are watching. And they sit back and wonder: Are they going to work it out or give up? Are they going to keep talking or ignore each other for days on end? Will they stay together or will they get divorced?

We need to live each marriage moment in light of being the husband or wife that God has called us to be. We need to be the same person at home that we are in public. We need to keep working and trying and giving up our rights and desires for the betterment of our spouse. And, while this is not easy to do as naturally selfish people, I try to remember when I’m frustrated that it’s really no picnic being married to me, either! Marriage is two imperfect people living together in an imperfect world. There are bound to be some rocky patches.

One final very important thing to remember is that love is not a feeling. Love is action. And when we choose to love by our actions, it is incredibly surprising and quite amazing how the feelings of love return. So choose to love and be amazed at God’s grace in this area. But I will warn you — this takes work. Work that is well worth it in the end, but it is work.

A healthy marriage is critical for a healthy family. That doesn’t mean there won’t be disagreements, but that we work through them in a way that honors our heavenly Father.

Thanks for reading! Hope you come back for the next post in this series which I’ve entitled Who’s the Boss? And if you liked this post, would you consider sharing it? Thank you! :)

Parenting 101: The Basics

Leave a Comment / January 3, 2014 January 3, 2014

As I contemplated writing a few basics of parenting, I realized that what I write in this post would most certainly overlap a bit with the remainder of my posts in this series. With that in mind, I will not go into great detail on each point here. However, there are a few basics that hold true no matter what stage we are at in the parenting journey. There are certain things that help us tremendously whether we are trying to teach a two year old to obey or are giving advice to our twenty-somethings–

The first is humility. There is no great relationship without humility. It is what drives us to make genuine apologies. Humility is what allows us to show our vulnerability. It keeps us from being defensive and so quickly offended. It is the only way we are truly able to have a healthy relationship with our kids — and with anyone else, for that matter. Our kids need to know that we aren’t perfect, we don’t have all the answers, and that we know we mess up (they already know it and can’t figure out why we won’t just admit it!) Being willing to take an honest look at our failures and bad habits and apologize to our children when we fail goes great, great lengths in healing and strengthening a relationship.

Our kids also need to know that they are unconditionally loved no matter what. This isn’t so hard when they are little and so incredibly cute when they are naughty. It does become a little more difficult as they grow up and start smart-mouthing us. And then they start making decisions that go against everything you taught them or embarrass you or ruin your reputation. And your love starts being tested. But, no matter what they do, our children should never have to wonder if they are loved. If you aren’t sure if they know that you love them, then tell them right now. Today. Even if they are fifty years old. Age doesn’t seem to make much of a difference with this one. I’ve seen middle-aged men and women still yearning for the love and approval of their parents.

Make reasonable expectations and then be consistent in handing out consequences when the expectations aren’t met. This is one of the toughest parenting jobs there is. I will write much more on this throughout the month.

Remember the responsibility of being a parent. We aren’t here to be a buddy or even a friend (although that often eventually happens later) We are obligated to be the best parent we can be. We can help our kids walk with God or we can hinder it. What are we going to choose? Responsibility means doing the hard stuff even when we don’t feel like it. And, quite honestly, taking the easy route today creates the very difficult path of tomorrow. As they grow into adults, our responsibility changes but we are still responsible to be an encouraging and supportive parent.

Communication can never be underestimated. Being a good parent means talking and discussing (not preaching) and listening and hours and hours of time. No matter what their ages, we are a good parent to our precious children by communicating with them.

And, finally, we can never stop praying for them. God steps in and takes over when we are hopeless. He supplies strength where we are weak. He loves our children more than we do. Prayer does amazing things. God cares about even the smallest thing. Why do we seem to have such a hard time making time for prayer?

These are a few basics of being a good Christian parent for children of any ages. Can anyone think of any others? I am sure I missed a few!

The next post in this series will be about marriage as it relates to parenting.

January Series Schedule: Parenting 101

Leave a Comment / January 2, 2014 January 2, 2014

Last year I had a little series in January about joy that I called Jumpstart to Joy. As I was thinking about the new year, I decided to do a series again. It’s just a fun and challenging way for me to begin my new blogging year.

This year I am going to write on a topic that affects a good many of us. I hesitate to even write about it, because I never want to give the impression that I believe I have perfected my skills in this area. Nothing could be further from the truth. But I have learned a lot over the years– both through my own experience and by observation.

I have chosen the topic of Parenting. I wish I could come up with some clever title for it, but none has come to me. So I guess this series will just be called Parenting 101.

My youngest turned 15 last month and I realized that I have learned an awful lot over my past 23 years of being a parent. I’ve learned a lot from my parents and other godly parents. I’ve seen some bad examples and some good examples. And, of course, God’s Word has been our invaluable guide and help in this area. All of that has brought me here — to the place where perhaps it is time to share a bit of it here on the blog.

I plan to break it down into 8 different posts, which will be posted on Tuesdays and Fridays this month–

Jan 3 – The Basics A few basic principles of parenting, no matter what stage you are in

Jan 7 – What does my marriage have to do with it? The importance of keeping our marriages healthy

Jan 10 – Who’s the Boss? Parenting toddlers

Jan 14 – When They Grow Out of the Cute Stage! Parenting kids between six and ten.

Jan 17 – I Need a Reason! Parenting ‘tweens and teens

Jan 21 – What’s My Role? Parenting adult kids

Jan 24 – Being a “Great” Grand-parent Supporting my adult kids in their role as a parent

Jan 28 – Where’s God At In This Whole Process? Weaving God and His Word into every stage of parenting

Jan 31 – I will save this day for any questions that may come up during this month from any of you. Feel free to e-mail me questions (see contact page) or to post them on the Growing4Life Facebook page. If there aren’t any questions, I will resume my normal blogging that day.

I hope that this series will be an encouragement to you. If you find the posts helpful, I hope that you will consider passing them along to others you know.

What We Remember

2 Comments / December 19, 2013 December 23, 2025

Christmas is such a blessed time, especially if we truly understand the reason for the season. But, inevitably, as we grow older this time of year also comes with a bit of sad nostalgia as we remember favorite childhood memories and loved ones no longer with us.

Sometimes I am so caught up in the busyness of the season, I don’t really take the time to reflect on past Christmases, but this season has purposefully been a little slower paced and so I found my mind going back–

One of my favorite Christmas memories was making homemade Christmas ornaments with my mom and brother. Sometimes my grandmother, aunt, and cousins would join us. Sometimes we would make them on Thanksgiving Day. We would play Christmas music and cut and paint and glue and glitter. We would watch colorful plastic shrink in the oven until it became a quarter of its original size (anyone else remember the wonder of shrinky-dinks?) I especially remember the felt ornaments we tried one year. There was the Christmas tree with the rick-rack garland and the ornament shape with glued sequins and ribbon decorating it. I am pretty sure my mom still hangs some of these handmade ornaments each year on her tree.

I remember coloring with my brother. Every year we would buy the same matching Christmas coloring books. Its pages held a story about a girl and a boy and Santa. We would lay on the floor on the brightly-colored blue, red, green, and gold afghan my grandmother had crocheted, listening to Alvin and the Chipmunks while we colored in our coloring books with a brand new box of Crayola crayons. I always colored the girl’s hair a golden yellow.

I also remember my very favorite song called Christmas Chopsticks sang by Bobby Vinton on my very favorite Christmas album called a Very Merry Christmas. I think it was an album put out by a hardware store. Remember those? I used to play that record over and over again. Jim Nabors (i.e. Gomer Pyle) sang a song on the album in a deep bass voice. It was nothing like his Gomer Pyle voice at all.

And one of my fondest memories is spinning around in circles to Christmas music. My brother and I would try to stay on the blanket (yes, the same brightly colored afghan) and twirl and twirl until we got dizzy and we fell down. If any part of our bodies left the blanket we would be the loser. It was a made up game we loved. We did that every Christmas for years.

I remember my dad taking forever to get ready on Christmas morning. We kids would sit there in anxious anticipation, lining up our presents in the order we would want to open them. And then re-lining them up again. We would shake them and stare at them, trying to guess what was in each brightly colored package. And then we would re-line them again. After what seemed like an eternity, my dad would slowly walk down the steps, smiling. It was just part of our family’s tradition and we loved it!

And I remember my uncle Dave, pretending to be Santa and the excitement and expectation of him walking through the door– even though I knew he wasn’t really Santa. I remember family gathering, and laughing, and playing games, enjoying one another’s company. I remember mounds and mounds of yummy Pennsylvania Dutch food. We were not a gourmet family by any sense of the word and the foods that were prepared would make any healthy eater shudder, but I still, to this day, enjoy a good carbohydrate-laden holiday meal.

You know what I don’t remember?

I don’t remember any of my gifts. Oh, wait–I take that back. There was one Christmas that I wanted my own phone “real bad”. Back then, of course, that meant running wires and putting in another line. My mom thought it would be funny to put a play phone in a box and wrap it up. I still vividly remember opening that blue play phone with its rotary dial. I actually didn’t think it was that funny.

But I don’t remember many other gifts. It wasn’t that I didn’t get gifts. My mom loves Christmas and we were never disappointed (except for that phone incident!) But now I can see that the gifts weren’t really what was important about Christmas.

For Christmas is most importantly about Jesus coming to earth as a babe to save the lost. It’s about God sending His Son into this fallen, sinful world to grow up to be a man and then die on a cross for sinners. It’s about that Son rising again with victory over sin and death. Christmas is a big part of the plan of salvation, that is available to all people, through God’s grace and mercy.

But Christmastime is also about family coming together, forgetting for a brief time the cares and problems that keep us apart. Christmas is about spending time together, making memories and loving one another. I didn’t have a perfect family. My mom’s family was not perfect and neither was my dad’s. There were serious issues going on in my extended families, unbeknownst to me at the time. But I am so thankful for family members who could enjoy one another’s company for a few hours each holiday season to make beautiful memories for the child that was me. What a blessing.

As we look at our Christmas gift list for the tenth time this year, stressing over all we still have to buy, let us remember that Christmas isn’t really about the gifts under the tree, after all.

Let’s try to bring joy and hope to our family gatherings this year. Let’s not discuss topics that will start arguments. Let’s ignore the sharp tongue of that critical family member. Let’s overlook the faults of another for this short time. Let’s act and react with grace and kindness. Let’s give our families the gift of peace.

Let’s plan some fun activities — make some ornaments, play a few games, take a drive to look at lights, complete a Christmas puzzle, or read a Christmas story— anything that will make great memories and strengthen our family relationships. Let’s give our families the gift of happy memories.

And let’s focus on what matters. Let’s be sure our children know why we celebrate Christmas. Let’s keep Christ at the center of it all. Let’s strive to please our Lord and Savior all through the year. Let’s give our families the gift of a life lived for Jesus.

Part 2: Casa de Pan

9 Comments / November 12, 2013 November 12, 2013

This is part 2 of the amazing story of Casa de Pan, a home we visited in Costa Rica last week. You can read Part 1 here. And now for the rest of the story–

With Raymond functioning as her interpreter, Melba first started to tell us the story of Anita, one of her young daughters, who appeared to have a form of Cerebral Palsy. I found out later that my sister-in-law had asked about her and that was the reason for the special invitation into the house for this specific story. She told us that this nine year old girl had been born a normal little girl. But when she was just a toddler, she had been found with a fractured skull, two broken collar bones, broken legs, and infected cigarette burns all over her body. From that point on, she was never normal again. It was later discovered that her stepfather had done these horrible things to this tiny girl. Who knows what else this evil man had done to her in her short life? I think I may have listened to the story with my mouth open. I cannot fathom the depth of wickedness within a person to cause them to do such things to an innocent child. It moves far beyond my comprehension. The little girl is not only physically disabled, but mentally disabled, as well. She will forever be a child now…and all because she happened to be the unfortunate recipient of an evil man’s anger or perversion (or maybe both). When they brought her to the home of Victor and Melba, they opened up their arms and took her in. She is one of {I think} three special needs children in their home at this time.

As we continued to talk, she told us a few more tragic stories of the children now safely ensconced in their loving home. As she talked, we could feel her love and care for each child. She went on to tell us that they had six biological children and that 95 adopted children had already grown up in their home. I asked her if she was in touch with each one. She smiled and said “of course,” and then went on to tell of one son who had lost touch for awhile, but had recently been back in touch. The couple keeps the weekends free of any extra visitors and reserves those days just for family. That is when their grown children stop by, many of them now bringing along their own kids.

Finally someone asked how all of this had come about. We listened intently to the fascinating story–

Her fourth child, a girl, was extremely ill. They had made the decision to take her to the hospital, where they had been given the devastating news that she was dying. They visited often and did all they could to make their sweet baby comfortable. In the next bed, a young boy lay dying from cancer. But no one visited him. In fact, they later found out that his family had abandoned him. And so they started showing him some attention, trying to show him that someone cared whether he lived or died.

As the doctor watched the couple’s reactions to the tragic news of their daughter’s impending death, he was amazed at the peace and strength with which they accepted the news. He had never seen anyone react like this. The couple made it clear that God was the source of their strength and they gave Him all of the credit.

As they prepared to take their daughter home to die, the doctor approached them with an unusual request. Would they be willing to take the abandoned boy home with them, as well? There wasn’t really much of a discussion, as they knew they couldn’t let the boy die alone in the hospital and so they bundled the two young children up–a small girl much loved by her biological family and a small boy completely and utterly abandoned by his — and took them both home to die.

But, unbelievably, both children did not die. Instead they grew stronger and stronger, until both were declared well again (in fact, the beautiful lady on the far left of the photo above is this daughter all grown up!)

After that incident (or should I say miracle?), Melba told us of her and Victor’s decision to give all they had and owned to the Lord completely. I am not sure if they knew what that meant at the time, but they were soon to find out.

Unfortunately, we did not have enough time to get all the details of how they went from one to 142 adopted children, but, needless to say, in the last 35 years, they have become a valuable resource for the Costa Rican government. They will often drop their most hopeless cases there. In fact, because they know and trust the couple, they will actually do the paperwork, pay any fees, and hire the lawyer to see the entire adoption process through.

She went on to tell of some of the amazing ways God had provided for them through the years. While she talked, I couldn’t help but stare at the picture of the family hanging on the mantle. My eyes then strayed to their wedding picture on a little round table nearby. They couldn’t have possibly realized that day so long ago just how mightily God would use them in the future — and all because they gave everything to Him.

After hearing her story, I felt so many things.

deeper faith — in hearing how God had cared for this family in so many big and small ways.

thankfulness — for a couple who would give up their own comfort to meet the needs of all of these beautiful children.

shame — for being far too worried about my own comfort and convenience in my own small world.

and thoughtfulness — what would happen if we Americans gave our all, instead of being busy with inconsequential things? How could God use us and the abundant resources we have available to us?

And I knew that I would never be quite the same person after hearing her story. I will always thank the Lord for allowing me to listen in on that testimony of faith and to see an example of how the Lord works when we submit everything to Him.

Part 1: Casa de Pan

Leave a Comment / November 11, 2013 November 11, 2013

Our week in Costa Rica was almost over. It was Thursday afternoon and we had been to one private children’s home and two public children’s homes already. We were told this one was different. This was a real home owned by a couple who had adopted all 46 of the children living there. My mind tried to comprehend that, but it seemed to be beyond my scope of imagination. 46?!? I was to find out that it was actually many more.

After driving through city streets, seeing hundreds of homes behind iron bars, the bus pulled up to a beautiful, plant-covered wall. As we got out, we saw a big blue gate. As we walked towards the gate, we heard the laughter of children behind the wall and even a couple of dogs barking.

As the blue gate swung open and our team walked up the driveway, I smiled with delight. For here was a beautiful oasis in the city of San Jose. There was a big backyard and in the middle of it stood a huge tree. As we looked up, we saw an immense tree house tucked within its branches. Children of all ages and sizes played happily. The house, white with blue trim, looked warm and welcoming. Up on the roof and at the upstairs open windows were several teenagers watching us.

Our team was there to play with the children for a few hours. After a few minutes, I noticed that a few of the ladies were headed around back. They were headed to the outdoor dining room to use the tables. I hurried to join them. As we walked around the back of the house, I came upon an outdoor room that was obviously the laundry room. This large, long room was probably used daily, evidenced by the little onesies hanging on the line just outside the door and the mounds and mounds of laundry I could see over the wall.

We took a left and walked down a pathway to the outdoor kitchen, located on the right. To my left, I saw a shelf that reached to the ceiling, filled with little shoes. As we walked into the dining room and started coloring, we noticed a couple older teenagers, blonde and blue-eyed, who didn’t look Costa Rican. As I talked to one, I found out that this 17 year old girl from Austria was just finishing up a 3 month term as a volunteer here in the house known as Casa de Pan.

At one point, I went in search of a bathroom. I found one for our use, in the center of a new building that stood beside the house. The bathroom was finished (I can certainly understand why that would have been a priority), but there was an older gentleman working on finishing the rooms to either side. On my way there, I poked my head in the room and offered a smile and a “Buenas Dias”. The man smiled, offered a firm handshake, and told me his name was Victor. He then pointed to the little boy playing at his feet and told me with a smile that his name was Victor, as well. We talked for a few minutes, using his limited English, my limited Spanish, and a few hand motions, and then I left. At the time, I did not realize that Victor was the heroic head of this wonderful household.

After awhile, I headed to the backyard to join in the fun there. As I snapped a few photos, I drank in the loveliness of the place. Here were 46 children who would not get lost in the system. Here were 46 beautiful souls that had found home. And not just any home, but a home run by parents with faith in Jesus Christ. It was truly amazing. As I contemplated this couple, I will be painfully honest and let you know that I started to feel just a bit shallow in my “work” for the Lord. How much more I could give.

As I was looking around and thinking, my eye caught movement on the front porch. I saw my sister-in-law and my daughter following an older lady into the house, along with our Costa Rican leader and our American team leader. I hurried to catch up and joined the end of the line. This looked like it might be an opportunity to see a bit more of the inner workings of this incredible place.

Inside, we were taken to a beautiful large living room. Right inside the door was a girl of about twelve holding a three week old baby, swathed in a pink blanket. The girl offered her to my sister-in-law, who after a few minutes, graciously handed her to my baby-loving daughter. There the baby nestled in for a nap in the arms of my contented daughter for the duration of our time inside.

We were told to have a seat. Melba, a calm, kind, and comfortable-looking woman sat on a sofa with Raymond, our Costa Rican leader, us three women sat on another sofa, and Steve, our team leader, sat on a chair.

As Melba started to speak, I had no idea that this would be the most impactful and inspiring hour of my entire week. I will share Part 2 tomorrow.

The Story Behind the Trip

1 Comment / October 28, 2013 October 28, 2013

I am headed on a mission trip to Costa Rica in a few days. There, I will be serving orphans and widows, alongside two of my daughters, my sister-in-law, my niece, and a family friend. We will be part of a larger team that is made up of around eighteen people.

As you may remember, I went to Guatemala last November with one of my daughters. I had no plans for taking a mission trip this year whatsoever. While I love going on them, my husband and I already had a special anniversary trip planned in the month of November. However, God had a different plan.

So how did I end up going on this trip? I thought I would share the story here, as it is rather interesting. Let me begin–

Once upon a time, there were two cousins who wanted to do something for Jesus. With some counsel from their parents, they decided to raise money for Bibles. The thinking was that anyone–Christian or not–sees the need for clean drinking water, food, and clothing, but only a genuine believer sees the eternal value of God’s Word. And so that was decided. But how to raise the money?

After some more brain-storming, they decided to make bottlecap necklaces, key chains, and magnets. They decided on the name Hearts 4 the World for their charity. They raised several hundred dollars and bought their first Bibles in the language of Creole and sent them to Haiti. They continue this charity even now and you can find their website here.

And then Adventures in Odyssey (a part of Focus on the Family) announced a contest for their “Ambassador of the Year”. The winner would be determined by a video they entered, telling of their service to their family, community, and world. The girls excitedly talked about their bottlecap charity and how they could talk about that in their entry video. But there was a hitch: only one person per entry.

The two cousins talked and came up with a solution. One was a much bigger Adventures in Odyssey fan than the other. She could enter the contest and the other cousin, quite gifted at creating videos, would create and produce the video.

Us moms gave tolerant smiles as we watched them grow excited about this contest, trying to reign in their excitement just a bit, because, after all, their chances of winning were slim to none!

The day they were announcing the finalists came and went. We were actually spending the weekend with this family and the girls were anxiously awaiting news. When none came, they grew a bit down-hearted. And then the following morning, the e-mail came. We are considering your daughter for our top 24. We would like to call you.

A couple of days later, I found out that they had definitely made the top 24, if we could agree to the contest conditions and had a parent who could go along on the mission trip that was the prize. I had a moment of panic, as I realized our anniversary trip was scheduled for the same month, but was glad to find out that I would actually have five days in between, should she actually win this thing.

And then they posted the videos and the voting began. Suddenly, it was in our hands to get the message out to vote! I am sure I drove more than a few people crazy with my constant reminders to vote, but I knew just how important the contest was to my daughter and I was certainly going to do my part.

This lasted for fifteen days. And they had said they would announce the winner the following week.

Imagine my surprise, when on Monday around lunchtime, I received a phone call from Focus on the Family letting us know that our daughter had won! (see here for the official announcement.)

I was shocked, because, quite honestly, we are not really “contest winners” around here. We work for what we get and have very few free things thrown our way (not complaining, just stating the facts). You know how some people seem to have the Midas touch when it comes to winning things–always winning the big door prizes and the trip contests? Well, that isn’t us.

At any rate, that was when I realized that we were going to Costa Rica. After we found out the details, we made the decision to pay for our oldest daughter to join us (our other daughter is in college and, unfortunately, cannot join us). And then my sister-in-law and her husband made the decision to give this trip to their daughter as a birthday gift, since she was so instrumental in helping to win the contest.

And that is how we all ended up on this trip.

There is no spiritual lesson or deep truth here. Just a story that I thought you may enjoy. Thanks for reading!

p.s. With all of my upcoming travel these next few weeks, my posts may be a bit more sporadic than usual, but I will post as I can :)

10 Things to Do (Instead of Watching TV)

5 Comments / October 21, 2013 October 21, 2013

Would you believe I let myself –once again– get caught up in a popular TV show? At first, it was excellent. The characters were deep, the dilemmas were real, and the plot, fascinating. The producers did an admirable job showing the real world without delving into the filth. Oh, the filth was there, under the surface, but they did a great job at keeping it real without glorifying or magnifying the reality of the filth.

But then, just like all of the other times I had let myself watch a popular show, I ended up being disappointed. You’d think I’d learn!

Call me crazy, but I actually believe the entertainment industry quite purposefully starts a new series quite benignly. We all get hooked into the plot and then, just when we are all loving the show and quite intrigued with the story line, the series starts to be more explicit and violent and ungodly. What an easy way to harden the hearts and change the morals of an entire society!

But, actually, it is okay with me. Do you know why? Because it is a great reminder that television is just a big waste of time, anyway. Yeah, yeah, I know there are some good educational shows. I get that. But most of us are not watching educational TV. We are watching cop shows, hospital dramas, and inane comedies. We are spending hours watching men play with a ball or throw each other down in rings.

What a waste of our God-given hours!

So, I got to thinking…

In this day and age, when we have become so reliant on our televisions for our evening entertainment–especially during the long winter evenings–what else could we be doing instead?

And I came up with this list. Of course, this list would be different for a home with young kids or an empty nester, but at least it gets us started thinking about turning the box off and turning our brains on.

Here are my 10 things to do instead of watching TV–

1. Play games! Since our kids have started dating, we have revived the game playing in our family. We enjoy lots of different games but here are a few of our favorites: Qwerkle (perhaps our all-time favorite!), Play Nine, Scattergories, CatchPhrase, Apple to Apples, Blokus, and Yahtzee. We like quick games that don’t take a ton of strategy. While we like to think a little, we are not real interested in thinking a lot! ;)

2. Find a new hobby. We live in a country with a million and one opportunities. Sure, we may be limited by our budgets, but even the most limited budgets can afford at least the cable bill per month. Cancel cable and invest that money into a new hobby. Think knitting, crocheting, baking, wood-working, sewing, digital scrap-booking, painting, making jewelry, building models, and photography. Start playing for an indoor sports league or take up strength-training or ice skating.

3. Take a class. Challenge yourself by enrolling in a class. There are affordable classes on just about anything–dance, accounting, computers, cooking, gardening, cake decorating, history, Bible, photography. Think of a subject you’d like to know more about and find a class that could help you learn.

4. Put a puzzle together. I know puzzles are old-fashioned entertainment. I get that. But buy a fun puzzle and start working on it. Watch your kids (no matter their age) come and sit down and start working on it with you. Or they may just sit next to you and start talking. When you are working on a puzzle, you are able to talk and laugh and discuss. It gives great opportunities to build relationships.

5. Organize something you have been meaning to organize for years. Perhaps it is files or photos on your computer. Or maybe it’s a drawer or a cabinet. These things do not take a lot of thought, so they are easy, mindless tasks to do when you are tired at the end of a long day. Put on a great podcast, like Grace to You, and you can learn something while you are working.

6. Read a book. You can probably guess that this is my favorite option. I love to get a nice steaming cup of peppermint tea sweetened with a little turbinado sugar and sit down with a good book. I often bemoan the fact that there are too many books and not enough time. I am usually reading several titles from different genres and will often enjoy reading quietly in the evenings. If you are one of those people that says “I hate to read” then I challenge you to give it a try. Train yourself to read and be amazed at how it changes you. I always love this quote by Dave Ramsey: In five years, you will be the same person except for the people you meet and the books you read.

7. Play an instrument. Perhaps you still have a saxophone or flute hidden away in a closet somewhere. Get it out and dust it off. Or maybe you used to play the piano and now the piano is only used for your kids’ lessons. Sit down and get to know that wonderful instrument once again. Pick up your daughter’s violin or your son’s trumpet and see if you remember anything. And if you’ve never played anything then learn now! We are never too old to stretch our brains and learn something new (and they say that learning new things is a way to keep Alzeimer’s at bay–just saying!)

8. Download a fun app on your iPad or Tablet. It is incredible just how many apps are available, isn’t it? You can edit photos, create photo collages, play games about the Bible, history, science, and geography. You can write a new song or pound out a familiar tune using one of the many music apps. There are apps to help you organize your home and garden and gift-giving. There are apps that will help you learn a new language or how to star gaze. Using your iPad or Tablet makes it so much easier to read online material, as well. Some of my favorite apps are Wonderful Days, FighterVerse, Pocket, Zinio, DuoLingo, PicCollage, Stack Countries, and Life.

Please note: Time spent on the iPad feels the same to your family as watching TV (i.e., you become distracted and uninterested in what’s going on around you), so I have discovered that it is in my family’s best interest to limit this time until after the kids are in bed (or busy elsewhere, in my case) and my husband is working on something else.

9. Do that thing you “never have time for“. Everyone does it. You ask them if they read such and such a book– “Oh, I don’t have time for that.” You ask them if they have kept in touch with so and so– “Oh, we are so busy, I don’t have time for that.” This is probably worthy of a whole post all on its own, but to bottom line it– we all have time for what we want to do. So take a moment and think about the things that you say you don’t have time for and see if any of those can fit into that slot in the evening when you are vegging out in front of the television.

10. Encourage someone. Pick up the phone and call someone you haven’t talked to in awhile. Write an encouraging letter full of news from home to a missionary. Write a thank you note to your pastor or teacher. Send an e-mail to someone you haven’t seen since last Christmas. Send Get Well cards to the infirm on your church’s prayer list. Visit the elderly man or lady at the home that has no family. Do something nice for someone.

You have just read my “ideas” list for this winter. As I have been pondering this list the last few days, I have become excited about doing something besides watching that box this winter. I have plans to learn a new language, learn to knit (or at least give that one more try!), and write some letters. I hope to organize some pictures and put some Shutterfly albums together. With some perseverance and diligence, I can redeem the long winter evenings instead of waste them.

Anyone care to join me in this goal?

Giving Up Without a Fight

4 Comments / October 3, 2013 October 3, 2013

The Cockatoo sat nonchalantly on its perch in the center of the giant metal cage. We spotted its white feathers as we walked towards it. It was a beautiful day to go to the zoo and we were enjoying it. We had just passed the parrots and were moving on to the beautiful white bird that is native to Indonesia.

At first our eyes took in the bird, but then movement at its food dish caught our eye. We laughed as we saw the squirrel chowing down on the cockatoo’s food. And then I took a picture–because I just knew there had to be a blog post in there somewhere.

We watched the squirrel eating for a few moments while the cockatoo sat indifferently and unmoving on its perch, and then we walked on to the next cage. But the sight had started my thoughts turning.

Why didn’t the cockatoo protect its food? It easily could have, using its loud squawk and large wingspan.

Was it frightened?

It didn’t really look like it.

Was it distracted?

Could have been, with all of those people walking by.

Was it satisfied and unthinking about the future?

Probably.

You may already know where I am going with this.

I think we often make the same mistake with our children. I watch parents let the world swoop down and steal their kids away, barely putting up a fight.

Did you know that Satan is after the souls of your children? He would like nothing more than to break the chain of your family’s Christian heritage and to render your child useless for God’s Kingdom.

And many of us fall prey to his schemes.

Are we frightened?

Some of us are very frightened. We are scared we will lose the hearts of our children and so we allow them to do anything they want, not realizing that doing so is almost a certain formula for the very outcome we are trying to avoid. We want to be the friends of our kids, instead of the parents that God designed us to be. We don’t want to step on any toes and so we set few boundaries and rarely discipline.

Are we distracted?

Many of us are very distracted. We are busy with careers and committees. We are busy with our girlfriends and our fantasy football leagues. We are busy at church and at school and at club. We lose sight of the battle for our kids’ hearts because we are distracted.

Are we satisfied and unthinking about the future?

Yes, I believe most of us are. Oh, don’t get me wrong–many of us think about the future, but our thoughts generally center around the choices of college and career. We think proudly of their straight A’s or their future basketball career, while we strive to get them the scholarships they deserve. But how often do we think about their walk with God in relation to the future? What kind of Christian do you want your child to be as a grown-up and what steps are you taking to help that happen?

What can we do to keep the “squirrels” from stealing our most precious possession?

1. Parent with courage. It takes courage to say no when every other parent is saying yes. It takes courage to have meaningful conversations about sex and alcohol and creationism and God. It takes courage to set a good example and do what’s right, even when no one is watching. It takes courage to lovingly and graciously tell the truth. If you must fear, then fear the consequences of your child’s heart turned to stone towards God. So many of us parent selfishly, desperately worried about our child’s opinion of us. We should probably be much more worried about our child’s opinion of God. For that, in the end, is what determines their eternal destiny.

The irony of all of this is that if we can parent with courage, most of us will reap wonderful benefits for ourselves. For if our kids love the Lord, then they will love us, too. If they love the Lord, then we will share a biblical worldview and a common purpose. There is nothing sweeter than this.

2. Make your kids a very important priority. There is nothing wrong with doing things outside the home. I think the problem comes in when we are not discriminatory with our choices. We can’t do everything and yet we try. But something has to give. What are you willing to sacrifice in order to spend time with your kids? It may even be one of their activities that has to go. Most kids would benefit much more from a game night with Mom and Dad than from a weekly dance lesson. We cannot allow the world to tell us what is important.

Many years ago, my husband was actively involved in a softball league. Baby J and I would spend many summer evenings watching the games. After a year or two of this, another baby came along and Eric became aware that he was going to have to make a choice. At the time, he was in the first years of starting a business and this occupied much of his time. He knew that in order for his kids to be a priority, he would have to quit softball. How thankful I am for a husband who made our kids a priority.

It sounds like a no-brainer. Of course, the kids are the priority. But, unfortunately, I see this isn’t true in the lives of many parents, and if I am being honest, especially fathers. Many fathers check out when it comes to spending time with their kids, disciplining their kids, and talking with their kids about the hard stuff. Dads, you are one of the most important factors in determining your child’s future relationship with God. Fight for their souls!

And one more thing here, for the grandparents who are reading this–the value of your support in helping your children raise their children is inestimable. You can have incredible influence in the lives of your grandchildren. Our children should not stop being a priority for us just because they have reached adulthood. You can really make a difference in the lives of your grandchildren.

3. Think of your child’s spiritual future. We would consider it irresponsible not to consider our child’s future education or vocation. And, yet, many of us do not think about our child’s future spiritual condition. We need to consider this in the conversations we have and the things we allow in our home and the places we allow them to go. We need to give this consideration as we choose which church to attend and the friendships we encourage our kids to develop. But, most importantly, we need to be who we want them to be. If we want them to be honest and kind and loving and courageous, then we need to be those things.

_______________________

I know that almost all of us love our children with our whole hearts. We’d do anything for them. But sometimes we lose sight of the world as it swoops down and steals the hearts of our children, while we sit, our eyes half-closed, on a perch nearby.

I say that it is time to open our eyes wide and parent with vigilance and abandon for the very short time we have them in our homes. We need to fight for the souls of our children!

Redeem the time and fight! For the heartache that comes with grown kids who aren’t following the Lord is a very real and painful thing.

A Letter to Young Moms

Leave a Comment / September 19, 2013 September 19, 2013

Dear Young Mom–

I know I seem a bit irrelevant and old-fashioned to you. You would probably much rather get your information from colorful parenting magazines or child education specialists. And, honestly, things have changed a lot in this world since my children were small. But, although some things have changed, many others have not. After all, many of the worries, frustrations, joys, and rewards that come with being a mom are timeless.

As I contemplate the struggles you must be having today, I can confidently let you know that I, and many other women like me, truly can understand what you are going through. We remember the sleepless nights, the potty-training frustrations, the cheerios on the floor, and tripping over toys. We remember going over and over math homework or phonics lessons that we just couldn’t get our child to grasp. We remember the loud car rides and the chaos of bedtime. We remember the craziness of getting ready to go to church and the {almost} impossibility of trying to cook a meal or vacuum a floor with a baby on our hips.

Honestly, it seems like a lifetime ago–and yet it seems like yesterday.

A family is a little like a flower arrangement. Stick with me here. I love flowers, so this example came naturally to mind. When you see flowers in an arrangement, they look perfect and beautiful. But, without exception, each of the flowers in that arrangement was grown in dirt. It was most likely sprayed for pests and diseases, and probably pruned. Sometimes I think we expect to have picture perfect families right at the get-go. But the honest truth is that it takes years of hard work to reap the fruit of what you are doing right now as a young mom.

So how do we, to the best of our abilities, end up with a beautiful flower arrangement instead of a wilted and broken mess?

If I could give you one piece of wisdom, drawn from my own experience, it would be make sure and determine your long-term goals for your children right now–while they are babies. You see, if you develop your goals now, then you can eliminate the things that are not moving you towards that goal and foster and grow the things that are.

For me, personally, my goal for my children was simple and was drawn from the words in Mark 12:30-31: And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength. This is the first commandment. And the second, like it, is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than these.

I figured if my kids learned to love God and others, then the rest–marriages, education, careers– would fall into place. Of course, I guess, by its very definition, this can’t really be a goal since I cannot control the outcome. But it was my first and most important priority in raising my kids–to teach them the truths of God from the Bible and to try to set a good example so that they would be, first and foremost, servants of God and secondly, that they would selflessly love others. Oh, I wasn’t very good at any of this some days and I have failed (and continue to fail) miserably sometimes. But this was my priority as a mom.

So, once we have set our goals (or priorities may be a better word) in place, how do we remember them in the midst of the daily chaos?

Here are a few helpful tips that I learned along the way–

1. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Bathroom accidents, muddy hands and feet, magic marker on the piano keys or the walls, locks of hair mistakenly cut off –all of these, when looking back now, are not as big of a deal as I made them. I know that now.

2. Keep your focus off of yourself. Whenever I was down or even angry as a young mom, I would eventually realize that it was often because my focus was on me. I wasn’t happy. I didn’t want to lose sleep or clean up that mess. Someone wasn’t treating me right. Poor little ole’ me. This was a hard lesson for me to learn. Because life isn’t really about me. It’s about glorifying God (Isaiah 43:7). And, if I am going to keep my priorities in order it is critical that I am not my focus!

As a side note, I want to mention here that, as moms, we are constantly barraged with this message: You deserve a break! You are a mom and you need time to yourself! And while I most definitely believe that is true, I also believe that breaks are to be enjoyed like a cool drink of water in the midst of a marathon. Motherhood isn’t about the cool drink, it’s about the marathon. It is important as moms that we keep our focus on the Lord and our families and not so much on ourselves. Sometimes, looking back, I am appalled at how self-centered I was (still at battle with this in my life…)

3. Find a happy balance in keeping your house. It is important to keep a neat and tidy house. Your husband feels loved and appreciated when you do. A household that is organized is a happier and more peaceful household. However, if your child cowers in fear if he spills his milk or you walk behind your children or husband cleaning up after them, you may not have found a balance in this area.

I will always remember one of the most encouraging things an older woman said to me when she visited my house one day amidst the toys and books and baby cups: “This is how a ‘lived-in’ home should look! I always feel sorry for kids who live in perfect houses because they can’t even be kids!” That made a huge impact on me as a young mom. I realized that it was okay for me not to have a picture-perfect house 24/7 (which was good because at that time I was also finding it impossible!)

We need to let our families “live” in our homes, but we also can’t throw our hands up in the air and stop working at keeping them clean and organized. Sometimes this can be a hard balance to find. I’d like to say this gets better –and it does in some ways–but now, instead of cheerios, I find chip bags, and instead of toys, I trip over size 11 boots, soccer cleats, and flip flops of all shapes and colors!

4. Keep your current priorities carefully. Review your goal(s). If your goal is for your child to be an Olympic gymnast then hours and hours spent at the gym make sense. Otherwise, they do not. But be very careful when setting any goals or priorities and consider the long-term, eternal ramifications of them. Is it really worth skipping church to go to an 8 year old’s sports event? Does that fit in with your long-term goal? Make sure your daily, current priorities match up with your long-term goals.

5. And, finally, don’t give up. Sometimes you probably feel like you just want to throw your hands up in the air and quit. Of course, as moms, we can’t do that. But if you are finding yourself amidst a really stressful, crazy time, see if Dad or Grandma will watch the kids and take one of those needed cool drinks of water. This is what they are for–high stress, difficult stages that come in waves all through life. Take a bath, go out with girlfriends, read a book, or–even better–spend some one-on-one time with God. You will come back refreshed and ready to tackle life head-on again.

I know that I have said this before, but I’ll say it again, anyway: You will blink and your babies will be all grown up. Life goes SO fast.

Spend the next few years loving the babies that have been entrusted to you. Discipline them, care for them, and nurture them. And then let the Master Arranger make a beautiful thing out of your family. He is faithful!

Lovingly,

A Mom Who Has Been There