Getting Help from Criticism

The following is worth reading for any Christian who has been criticized or, on the flip side, who has criticized others. As we all have probably experienced both, it is really for all Christians.

Criticism can be like a mirror into who we really are…if we are but brave enough to look at the picture. But it’s often hurtful and scary and…so unpleasant. It’s so much easier to grow defensive and angry and “grudgy” than it is to silently listen and then reflect on what was said.

If, upon reflection, we realize that what was said simply isn’t true, then we just move on, right? There is nothing lost but a few minutes of time.

But if it IS true…if there is even a hint of truth to it…won’t we become more Christlike and grow as a believer by listening to, praying, and reflecting on what was said?

What is written below is an entire chapter of a book written by J.R. Miller, pastor and Christian author of the late 1800s. When I read this, I was both challenged and encouraged. Criticism can be helpful if we will but humble ourselves to take an honest look at it. That’s the first part of what is written here. And, secondly, the author takes a look at what helpful criticism should look like. This is definitely worth the read and I hope it encourages someone else as it did me!

(There’s some wonderful advice for parents in the words below, as well!)

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Perfection in life and character should be the goal of every person. Our constant prayer should be to be shaped into spotless beauty. No matter the cost, we should never avoid anything that teaches us a new lesson or adds a touch of loveliness to our character.

We learn lessons from many teachers. In books, we read inspiring lines that set holy tasks for us to achieve. In other people’s lives, we see beautiful things that awaken noble desires within us. We also learn through experience, and we grow through our efforts.

Furthermore, we can gain many lessons from those we live among. People should serve as a source of grace for us. The simple interaction of one life with another is both refining and stimulating. As Scripture says, ”Iron sharpens iron; so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.”

The world is not always kind to us. It is not always ready to encourage us or shower us with praise. When a young man leaves his home, where everyone adores him, one of the first things he learns is that he must face criticism and opposition. Not everything he does will receive approval.

However, this very condition is healthy. Our growth is much more robust in such an environment than if we only received flattery and excessive praise. We ought to gain from criticism. Two pairs of eyes can see more than one. None of us possess all the wisdom in the world.

However wise any of us may be, there are others who know some things better than we do. They can offer valuable and helpful suggestions, at least concerning specific aspects of our work.

For example, a shoemaker could never have painted a masterpiece. Yet, he could criticize the buckle when he stood before the canvas filled with the great artist’s noble creations. The artist was wise enough to welcome this criticism and quickly amend his picture to make it accurate.

Certainly, the shoemaker knows more about shoes, and the tailor or dressmaker more about clothes, and the furniture maker more about furniture than the artist does. The insights from these skilled workers about items in their own fields should be very valuable to the artist. A painter would be very foolish to disregard their suggestions and refuse to benefit from them.

The same principle applies beyond art. No one’s knowledge is truly complete. Each of us knows only a few fragments of the vast amount of knowledge available.

There are some things that others know better than you do, no matter how broad your intelligence. Even very humble people can offer valuable suggestions about matters they understand more correctly than you do. If you wish to perfect your work, you must be willing to accept guidance and information from anyone ready to offer it.

It is also true that others can see our faults and imperfections that we cannot see ourselves. We are too closely tied to our own life and work to be unbiased observers or fair critics. We will never make the most of our life if we refuse to learn from others.

A truly “self-made” person is often poorly made because they are the product of only one person’s thinking. Their strengths may be overemphasized until they become quirks, while other aspects of their character remain flawed. The best-formed person is one who benefits from constructive criticism during their developmental years.

Their life develops fully. Faults are corrected. Their nature is curbed where it tends to overdevelop, and their weak points are strengthened. We all need the corrective influence of others’ opinions and suggestions, not just as part of our education, but throughout our entire lives and work.

As Robert Burns wrote: “Oh wad some power the giftie gie us To see oursels as ithers see us! It wad frae mony a blunder free us And foolish notion.”

However, to benefit from criticism, we must approach it with sympathy and an open mind. We must be ready to listen and carefully consider what others say about us and our work.

Some people are only hurt by criticism, never helped, even when it is most sincere. They always see it as unkind and react with bitterness. They resent it, no matter its source or form, viewing it as impertinent. They see it as unfriendly, a personal attack they must defend themselves against. They seem to believe their life is surrounded by such sacred boundaries that no one can properly offer even a suggestion about anything they consider theirs, unless it is praise. They are so convinced of their own infallible judgment and flawless performance that it never occurs to them that others’ opinions might offer more wisdom or suggest improvements.

Therefore, they completely refuse to accept criticism, no matter how kind, or any suggestion that differs from what they have done.

We all know people of this kind. As long as others compliment their work, they listen respectfully and are pleased. But the moment a criticism is made, however slight, or even if someone asks if something else might be an improvement, they become offended. They view anyone as an enemy who suggests disapproval or hints, however delicately, that things could be different.

It is hard to maintain friendly relationships with such people. No one wants to be forbidden from expressing an opinion that isn’t simply an echo of someone else’s. Not many people will bother to keep silent all the time for fear of offending a conceited friend. Furthermore, someone who rejects and resents all criticism cuts himself off from one of the best ways to grow and improve.

Such a person is no longer teachable and, therefore, is no longer a learner. He would rather keep his faults than be humbled by being told about them and correcting them. As a result, he pays no attention to what anyone says about his work and gains no benefit from the opinions and judgments of others. Such a mindset is very unwise.

It is infinitely better that we always keep ourselves ready to receive instruction from every source. We are not making the most of our life if we are not eager to do our best in whatever we do and to make constant progress. To do this, we must continually become aware of the imperfections in our work so that we may correct them.

No doubt it hurts our pride to be told of our faults. But we would do better to let the pain lead to improvement rather than to resentment. In fact, we ought to be thankful to anyone who shows us a flaw in our life, which we can then remove. No friend is truer and kinder to us than one who does this, for he helps us grow into a nobler and more beautiful character.

Of course, there are different ways of pointing out a fault. One person does it bluntly and harshly, almost rudely. Another will find a way to make us aware of our faults without causing any feeling of humiliation. Doubtless it is more pleasant to have our correction come in this gentle way.

It is also the more Christian way to give it. Great wisdom is required in those who would point out faults in others. They need deep love in their own heart so that they may truly seek the good of those in whom they detect flaws or errors, and not criticize in a spirit of triumph. Too many take delight in discovering faults in other people and in pointing them out.

Some criticize others only when angry, blurting out sharp words in fits of bad temper. We should all strive to embody the spirit of Christ, who was most patient and gentle in pointing out his friends’ failures. Often, harm results from a lack of this spirit in those whose duty it is to teach. For example, St. Paul advises fathers not to provoke their children to anger, lest they become discouraged.

Some parents almost never correct their children except when angry. They constantly point out their children’s faults, as if their entire existence were a miserable and unwelcome mistake. They act as if everything the children say or do is wrong, believing they can fulfill their duty only by continually nagging and scolding.

Those anointed to train and teach the young have a tremendous responsibility to exercise their power wisely and lovingly. We should never criticize or correct except with love. If we feel anger or harbor any bitter, unkind, or resentful feelings when about to point out an error in another person or their work, we should remain silent. We must wait until we can speak with love. Only when our heart is full of love are we truly equipped to judge another or tell them of their faults.

While this is the Christian method for those who criticize others, we must also acknowledge another truth. Regardless of how we learn of our faults, and however unkind or unsympathetic the person revealing them may be, we should accept the correction humbly and lovingly, and strive to learn from it.

Perhaps few of us hear the honest truth about ourselves until someone grows angry and blurts it out in bitter words. It might be an enemy who delivers the harsh criticism, or someone who is morally base and unworthy of respect. Nevertheless, whoever it is, we should ask if there might be some truth in the criticism. If there is, we must then resolve to correct it.

In whatever way we become aware of a fault, we should be grateful for it. This discovery gives us an opportunity to rise to a better, nobler life, or to achieve something higher and finer.

Some people offer criticisms that cannot benefit us. It is easy to find fault even with the noblest work. Then there are those who are instinctive fault-finders, considering it their privilege—almost their duty—to give an opinion on every subject and to offer criticism on every piece of work they see.

Their opinions, however, are usually worthless. Often, it takes a great deal of patience to receive them graciously, without showing any irritation. But even in these situations, when we must listen to talkative criticisms from people who know nothing at all about the topics they speak of so confidently, we should still accept all criticisms and suggestions calmly and patiently.

An interesting story about Michelangelo illustrates how to wisely handle even ignorant, meddlesome, and rude criticism. When the artist’s great statue of David was first placed in the Plaza in Florence, everyone was hushed in wonder before its noble majesty—everyone except Soderinni.

This man observed the statue from various angles with a knowing, critical air, then suggested the nose was a little too long. The great sculptor listened quietly to the suggestion. Taking his chisel and mallet, he set a ladder against the statue to reach the face and climbed up, carrying a little marble dust in his hand.

Then he appeared to work carefully on the criticized feature, as if changing it to suit his critic’s taste, letting the marble dust fall as he worked. When he came down, Soderinni again looked at the figure from various angles, finally expressing his full approval. He was satisfied, believing his suggestion had been accepted.

The story provides a good example of the constant fault-finding we often have to listen to. It is unintelligent and valueless. But this kind of criticism cannot be stopped.

There is no subject under heaven on which these critics do not feel entitled to express an opinion. No work is so perfect that they cannot find flaws and suggest improvements. They are awed by no greatness.

Such criticisms deserve only scorn, and these critics do not deserve polite attention. However, it is better to treat them patiently. It helps at least in our own self-discipline, and it is the nobler way.

This, then, is the lesson: we should not resent criticism, whether it is kind or unkind. We should be eager to learn from anyone, because even the humblest and most ignorant person knows something we don’t and can teach us something. We should always welcome the truth—especially truth about ourselves that affects our life and work. This is true no matter how it might wound our pride, humble us, or how its delivery might hurt us.

The moment we discover anything unlovely within us, we should seek to correct it. Only in this way can we ever achieve the best in character or accomplishment.

~J.R. Miller (From: The Building of Character)