Family – Page 12 – Growing 4 Life

Dealing with Difficult People

6 Comments / April 28, 2014 April 28, 2014

Have you ever had to deal with someone you just couldn’t make happy? Or perhaps it is someone who lies constantly, is consistently unkind, or very angry? Or maybe they just absolutely exhaust you by telling you all of their woes? Sometimes, if they are friends, we can gently extricate ourselves from these relationships. But, many times, we can’t. We may go to church together. Or we may work together. More often than not, our difficult relationships are within our own families.

So what then?

So often we continue to live with a sense of constant frustration in this state of affairs. When someone is affecting our personal peace or happiness, we can get really annoyed. But how should we look at these situations?

I have floundered in this area for years. If I was struggling in a relationship, I would grow irritated and hopeless. But then, a few months ago, I heard this sentence in a sermon–

We need to look at difficult people as the tools God uses to shape us to look more like Jesus.

Ever since that time, my whole viewpoint has changed. You see, I used to view these relationships as obstacles that were keeping me from looking like Jesus–unnecessary extra baggage that kept tempting me and causing me to fail (notice my finger of blame was pointed at them, not myself…)

But this one sentence clarified for me that I had it all wrong. ALL wrong. These people in my life are there to help, not hinder, my walk with Christ.

Because I have this new perspective, it changes everything. Oh, I still grow frustrated and annoyed, but I can see the big picture now. Instead of incidents seeming pointless and ridiculous, I see them as challenges I need to rise up and meet as Jesus would have.

I know this is so easy to say in principle. Some of you are almost buried underneath dysfunctional families or bad work situations. This isn’t an easy thing to live for any of us, but for some of you it probably feels impossible. I hope that this helps, at least a little.

You see, we can’t change anyone but ourselves. But, by the power of the Holy Spirit, we can change ourselves. Let’s rise up and meet the challenge of personal change instead of being so worried about the pointless, fruitless endeavor of changing the other person.

How Do Two Sinners Affair-Proof a Marriage?

Leave a Comment / April 25, 2014 April 25, 2014

I am absolutely floored by the number of affairs that take place among Christian couples. For some reason, I have become privy to information I’d just rather not know in several instances. Past affairs and present affairs have made their way to my ears. My naivete in this area is pretty much gone. I am now aware that this problem is absolutely rampant in the church today. But it really isn’t talked about very much, is it?

Of course, as I have become aware of this, the first question that comes to mind is “What about my marriage?” How healthy is it, really? For, of course, when you see couples whom you assumed were very healthy struggling in this way, it can be extremely frightening.

And the thing is– my husband and I are both sinners. We struggle with being selfish and unkind and busy and thoughtless. So how do you keep a marriage of two sinners affair-proof?

As I have pondered this over the past several months, the following things came to mind as ways to keep our marriage on a healthy path–

1. Both husband and wife need to be solidly committed to God. This is priority number one. Committed to following Him with their whole heart. Committed to obeying His Word. When this is not in place, a multitude of problems arise.

2. Both husband and wife need to be, unconditionally, committed to one another. When marriage vows are disregarded and divorce is viewed as an option, suddenly the marriage seems less sacred and, therefore, more disposable.

3. Humility is key. I have been struck over and over again in my reading of the Old Testament this year just how important humility is before God. Pride wreaks great destruction, not only personally, but also relationally. It rears its ugly head in countless ways — an unforgiving heart, an unwillingness to apologize, an insatiable desire to always prove “I” am right, and a desire to always have my own way. When one party lacks humility, a relationship cannot function as a unified unit, but instead it is fractured. It may just be a crack in the foundation, but it weakens the relationship substantially.

4. No secrets. My husband and I developed this practice long ago. We do not keep secrets from one another. In fact, I tell others not to share anything with me that they want kept from my husband. He, in turn, shares with me what he learns at board meetings, business meetings, and in conversations. While we know others disagree with this and find it unnecessary, we have found that, instead of it weakening our relationship, it has kept us unified, has helped us find perspective outside of our own narrow view, and has strengthened us to face personal problems. Of course, this will not work if the other party is not trustworthy. No secrets is only possible if the other person knows how to keep their mouth closed around other people. You can not have a no secrets relationship with a gossip.

5. Make couple time a priority. You hear this often, I’m sure. Plan a weekly or monthly date. Get away for a weekend. Okay, so let’s be honest. This is NOT possible for many of us. We hardly have time to breathe, much less find time for a weekly or monthly date, so then we throw our hands up in despair and give up! DON’T DO THAT. Think outside the box. When we were in our busiest years raising kids, we found time by just sitting quietly in the evening talking about our days. We’d spend at least 30 minutes in the evening just talking to one another. It kept us glued together in the craziness of owning a business and raising kids. And, honestly, we still do this. It isn’t ever planned. It just happens. I may saunter over to our business office next door, where my husband is working overtime and we will just fall into easy conversation for awhile. We are still best friends after all these years and it is mostly because we have made time to continue to really know and understand one another.

6. Continue to show small kindnesses and express love, even when you do not feel like it, out of obedience to the Lord. Let’s face it, sometimes our feelings are just not in cooperation with what we know we should do. So we need to plow ahead, recognizing that sometimes feelings come later. We need to be 100% committed to doing what we know is right, no matter how we feel.

Aahhh, I read the list above and I know how we have failed in our marriage. But it seems as if you really have a heart to serve and submit to God in humility, He steps up and provides so much grace and mercy in this area. I know that writing this makes us even more susceptible to problems in our relationship, as Satan seems to like nothing better than to see a Christian look like a hypocrite. I can’t stand before you here and promise it will never happen to me because I really don’t know. What I do know is that God is faithful and whatever happens, He can turn it into something for His Glory.

To those of you who have been through (or are going through) an affair, my heart bleeds for you. I cannot imagine the pain and suffering you have endured (or continue to endure). I pray that God heals your marriage, but, most importantly, that He continues to draw you to Himself.

You may be married to a spouse who isn’t committed to the Lord at all. In these instances, we have to keep praying. God, in His grace and mercy, has the power to draw that person to Himself. Be the best marriage partner you can be (I Peter 3:3) and let the rest up to God.

Life is so complicated, isn’t it? It is not cut and dried and marriages go through stages. Some are like a pleasant ride in the country and some stages feel like we are traveling through a typhoon of grief, busyness, or difficulties. Let’s hang on through it all, so that we Christians can show that God really does make a difference in this area of marriage. He will work in and through us and we will bring honor and glory to His name by having a healthy marriage.

If you find this post encouraging and helpful, would you please share it? Thank you so much!

Some Things We Must Let Go

2 Comments / April 24, 2014 April 24, 2014

So, on Monday my post was titled Don’t Let It Go. I wrote it because I was checking the lyrics of the popular song to see if there was any phrase I could use for the post I am about to write right now. Instead I found new age nonsense. But, while we certainly shouldn’t let any opportunity to discern go by us, there are a few things that we really do need to let go. Like grudges.

Recently, my husband and I ran into a couple we know. We are very aware of the fact that this couple doesn’t particularly like us and hasn’t for many years. The thing is–we have never figured out exactly why. Oh, we have some guesses and assumptions, but we have never had a sit-down conversation as to why they hold us in such low esteem.

So, when my husband offered his right hand to the woman to shake hers in a gesture of friendliness, we weren’t surprised. You see, while she lifted her hand in a limp shake, she would not look into my husband’s eyes. She kept staring straight ahead. Like he wasn’t there. Because she doesn’t like him. But we don’t know why.

Our families and church families are FILLED with these scenarios. This person doesn’t like that person, often because of something that happened a very long time ago.

And there are two perspectives in these situations to consider — the grudge holder’s and the one the grudge is being held against (hereon out to be referred to as the “grudgee”). I’ve been both, so I thought I’d share a few things I’ve learned.

As Grudge Holder

This one I find to be a ginormous waste of personal energy. As I tell my kids, life is just too short for grudges. Oh, I have people that I do not see eye to eye with, but I am learning to view them with more grace as I grow older. Unbelievers are so much easier. I expect them to hurt me, to revile me, and to be unkind. They are not living by God’s law and I shouldn’t expect them to. I find the hurts dealt by Christian brothers and sisters to be much more painful and challenging to get over. But, here again, grace is the word that comes to mind. Do I know what experiences or trials have led that person to be unkind or to make that choice? And, let’s be honest, do I even know if that person calling him or herself a believer is a genuine believer? There are so many who use the label, but do not truly understand the depth of their sin and the payment for that sin at the cross.

I have had a long and challenging journey in this area. I have learned to just ask God to fill me with His love for those I find so hard to love on my own. And a big part of healing in this area, if we struggle with it, is to control our thoughts. You see, Satan just gets in there and twists and turns and makes every offense even worse than it really was. In fact, sometimes we find offense where there was absolutely none intended.

I believe that grudges cause destruction. I have seen the horrible wreckage and wastelands of families and churches that have been ripped apart by grudges. It is so tragic. And, for some reason I cannot figure out, it seems to be a totally and completely excusable sin in our churches. Why is this okay?

Now the other thing that I have found myself tempted to do is to “Christianize” my grudge. I will hold ill will in my heart towards someone and rationalize why I am sure God must understand, and perhaps even give His blessing, to it. Of course, this is ridiculous. Even if we are standing for righteousness, it gives us no excuse to hold ill will against a particular person. Jesus Christ, as he headed to the cross, set the best example for us, didn’t He? I Peter 2:23 tells us this about the Savior–

who, when He was reviled, did not revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but committed Himself to Him who judges righteously.

He set the perfect example by not only reacting in a calm and gracious manner, but by showing us that we are to commit our wills and desires to God, who judges all things righteously and can take care of the person that is hurting us (Romans 12:19).

Bottom Line: Grudges are unacceptable for a believer (Ephesians 4:31-32; Leviticus 19:18; Mark 11:25). Grudges are also a big waste of time and energy.

As Grudgee

Okay, so yes, I know “grudgee” isn’t a word, but exactly what is the concise word for being the person that a grudge is held against? So, I will just call it this.

I have had much experience with this one, as my big and thoughtless mouth has often gotten me into a spot of trouble. I say things before I think and find, sometimes YEARS later, that something I said has caused a person to hold a grudge against me all this time. Usually I find this out via a friend of a friend. It is rarely from the person herself.

My reaction to this has changed quite a bit over the years. Let me share.

Let me say this first– I work very hard to be more careful with my words and my tone. I do not have this down 100%, by any means, but I recognize my tendency and really try to remember this when I am talking to people. But I am sure I still inevitably frustrate and offend people. And God tells us that all of us who are believers should actually expect to offend people when we share the gospel (2 Corinthians 2:15-16). So this is something we have probably all dealt with at one time or another.

Here are a few things I have learned about being the grudgee. First, I recognize that I have control over only one part of this situation — myself and my reaction. We can feel pretty helpless in the shadow of someone’s hostility towards us. Some of us grow angry right back at that person, others of us try to just ignore it, and some of us work so hard to fix it and find ourselves filled with disappointment and bitterness when the “happy ending” we long for isn’t forthcoming. But what is a biblical response? A lot of what I wrote above is also applicable here (Jesus’s example, the verses given), so I won’t repeat myself. But here are a few more specifics —

1. Love the grudge holder. Jesus tells us in Matthew 5:44, that we are to love our enemies. If someone hates us we are to return that hate with love. Sometimes that feels humanly impossible. That is because it is. Here again, I have learned to ask God to fill me with His love, because, on my own, I am empty. Responding with love is difficult, but if we can do it, we are a tremendous testimony of God’s working in our lives. Because this is so outside our human nature, we shine like a giant spotlight in pitch black darkness when we love those who hate us.

2. Pray for the grudge holder. I don’t know how this works, but if we can sincerely lift the grudge holder before God and pray for their salvation or spiritual growth, it changes how you feel about them. Somehow this process gives us more grace to deal with this person.

3. Do something kind for the grudge holder. Now if you do not run into this grudge holder regularly, this might be awkward. But if it is someone you see at church or it is a family member, go out of your way to be nice. I have a friend who often used this phrase, when faced with similar situations: kill them with kindness. Yes! What wisdom! Do you know how hard it is to hate someone who is so nice to you? It will often make a difference.

These things are not easy to do. In fact, they are very difficult. Our feelings cry out in opposition, and yet, if we can choose to obey, in spite of our feelings, the reward is tremendous. No, sometimes, it doesn’t work out the way we want. This is not a cure-all for relationships. The reward is not always a happy ending. But one guaranteed reward is always peace. Peace because we have done the right thing, according to God’s Word (Matthew 5:44). Peace because, as much as it is up to us, we have strived to live in peace (Romans 12:18). And peace because we have followed our Savior’s example (I Peter 2:23).

Bottom Line: We need to love the grudge holder and let the rest up to God.

These are hard things to talk about and most of us are caught up in it in one way or another. Many of us are caught up in both ways. I would love to hear what you have learned and the biblical wisdom you have gained through your own experiences? I am sure I have not covered this whole subject of grudges in completion. Please leave a comment below to help fill in the gaps :)

Don’t Let it Go

8 Comments / April 21, 2014 April 21, 2014

Oh my goodness. I was looking up the lyrics to the popular song “Let It Go” for a different blog post (which will still be coming one of these days) and found something so worrisome, I just have to share it.

You see, little girls (and even quite a few little boys) are singing this song at the top of their lungs across this nation. As Christians, most of us tend to view Disney as fairly innocuous. And before you think I am on some vendetta against Disney, let me assure you that is not the case. I love stories with princesses and happy endings as much as the next guy.

But reading these lyrics made me realize that they are not neutral when it comes to what is being pushed on all of us in this nation. And what is that? It is that there are no absolutes. We are all free to decide in our own mind what is right and what is wrong.

Here are the lyrics I found–

It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I’m free

I know that many of you will think I am –as the cliche goes–making a mountain out of a mole hill. Others of you will shrug your shoulders and not care. But please keep reading.

Am I suggesting that we ban Disney movies from our homes? No, that is not my point. That is between you and God.

What I do want to talk about is teaching our kids discernment.

If you see something on any kids’ movie that is completely opposite of biblical truth, do you speak to them about it? Do you discuss it and share with them why this does not agree with God’s Word? Even two year olds can understand that mommy and daddy want to honor God and this song or phrase doesn’t do that.

But are we even having the conversations?

These conversations are pretty easy and productive when your children are small. They are like little sponges and it is a wonderful time to fill them with the resources they need to live a life that pleases God. However, as they grow older, it takes a little more courage, because you will get ridiculed and teased by teenagers and they will think you are very annoying and maybe even a little crazy.

Just keep going back to the Word of God.

You see, it’s not my opinion or your opinion that matters. The only opinion we should care about is God’s. If we can teach our kids that from the time they are little, we will be well on our way to raising young people who put their faith in God.

Now to go on a little rabbit trail–

I know that some of you are probably thinking that it is hard to even know what God’s Word says with all of the interpretations out there. And I agree with you. I have seen, in the last few decades, the flood of scriptural “interpretations” and confusing commentaries on scripture that have been let loose on the church so that even we Christians can get confused about what God’s Word says exactly. This is when I go back to history– what has the true church taught for thousands of years? Because, let’s be honest, God’s Word didn’t change 50 years ago to give a carte blanche on man’s sinful desires (2 Thessalonians 2:15).

So, instead of using the “Bible is confusing” as an excuse to avoid good discussions, why don’t we commit right now–today– to study the Bible ourselves and see what the Holy Spirit has to teach us? If you don’t know where to begin, then click here for a great website to get you started on studying God’s Word.

It is only by doing this that we will have the knowledge necessary to combat the attacks against scripture that are coming from all sides– even in the form of an “innocuous” Disney movie.

My Four Mirrors

2 Comments / March 27, 2014 March 27, 2014

When I had babies so many years ago, I don’t think that I fully realized something.

Wait– let me rephrase that. I know that I absolutely did not realize something.

Each one of my babies– in one way or another– would mirror some of my own worst sinful traits and most annoying habits.

They say that kids change you. And that is certainly true. And, quite honestly, I expected to be changed. It was coming face to face with my own sin on a daily basis that I wasn’t quite expecting.

I have great kids. I am so blessed. But almost every day, I will spot a bit of selfishness or anger or backbiting or gossip, and, while with my mouth I am “encouraging them” to stop what they are doing, inside I am frustrated because I know–as sure as I know the sun will rise again tomorrow– where they learned that behavior.

It is rather interesting to me that, as parents, we often have the toughest time getting along with the kid(s) that are just like us. Could it possibly be because of this dynamic? These kids that are like us force us to come face to face with our sin almost every day. And we don’t like that. It irritates and frustrates us. Our pride is hurt over and over again, because we know we haven’t conquered this sin in our lives and now we’ve condemned our children to struggle with it for the rest of theirs.

Could that possibly be part of the reason?

Whatever the reason, I do believe that, instead of growing frustrated, we need to humble ourselves and recognize the sin in our own lives, while we do the necessary task of raising our children.

How important it is that we do not pretend we are perfect while we discipline our children, while all involved — children, spouse– knows full well we are not.

Life is changing now for me. My kids are young adults and my role looks quite different. And the mirrors grow so much clearer. I can see some of the struggles and battles they are going to face because of the example I set. And I feel like a failure.

But, then I remember God’s grace and the victories over sin I have experienced through the work of the Holy Spirit in my life. No, not perfection, but victories. I am not the same person now that I was twenty years ago. God is slowly, but surely, sanctifying me and making me look more like Jesus.

And I know that, through their obedience to God’s Word and the supernatural working of the Holy Spirit in their lives, my much beloved children will also have that same victory in their lives as they mature.

Now my main job is to pray.

If you like this post and believe it would be an encouragement to others, I would very much appreciate if you would share it. Thank you! :)

Setting Our Husbands Up for Failure

4 Comments / March 17, 2014 March 17, 2014

My husband and I were able to enjoy a nice getaway for a few days. We felt it was important after this really busy winter and before our normal “even busier” spring. And, while we enjoyed one another’s company, the hotel and the weather were not stuff that dreams are made of.

Let’s face it, many of us wives dream of romance. We want romantic hotels and upscale restaurants. We want sunshine and flowers and walks in the warm summer rain. We want the white horse and the deep stares into our eyes and the “happily ever after.” We want gallant knights who rescue us when we are in distress.

Instead we get normal guys who are often the cause of our distress, freezing temperatures with an even colder wind, and no horses at all. Happily ever after just doesn’t exist.

And yet we just keep trying to find it. Like somehow our lives can match the romance novel we just read or that movie we watched last week. Could that be a hint as to why we struggle so?

I believe it is. I believe we have been given a false picture of what true love and marriage are in many of the books we read and the movies we see. I believe this is especially true of the Christian romance novels that have flooded the market.

I made a choice many years ago to cut way back on these because I realized that I was setting my poor husband up for failure. He just couldn’t ever come close to the wonderful, selfless heroes I would read about and it would end up frustrating both of us. Oh, I didn’t long for anything specific, I was just filled with this vague sense of dissatisfaction about our marriage.

You know, we hear about the hopelessness we women feel in the face of this sexual, pornographic world. Photos are fixed and flaws covered up. We live in a world obsessed with physical beauty and we women feel we can never, ever measure up.

Have you thought about the fact that perhaps your husband feels the same way, because of what you choose to read or watch? Hopeless. Like he can never be good enough.

We have to be so careful. A chick flick is not wrong in and of itself, but when we base our hopes and dreams for our marriage relationship on it, it becomes a problem.

The truth can be hard to hear but here is what I have learned about marriage–

~Marriage is really, really hard.

~I am married to a sinner and so is my husband.

~During those hard times, you will have a desire to just leave. But you don’t because you made a commitment and you know the price would be way too high.

~There is no Hollywood, romance novel “happily ever after.”

~Each stage offers its own unique challenges and struggles.

~The work and the effort is so incredibly worth it.

As I grow older, I still have to catch myself sometimes. Are my expectations realistic? Or are they just the stuff that romance novels are made of? As hard as it is to believe, flowers and diamonds are never mentioned in the Bible. No, the Bible instead very simply commands husbands to love their wives (Ephesians 5:25, Colossians 3:19).

Are you loved?

Does your husband work hard to provide for the needs of you and your family?

Does he take care of you when you are sick?

Does he come home after a long day and play with the children?

Does he share his heart and world with you?

Does he offer to watch the children for an hour or two while you take a much-needed break with girlfriends?

Does he get up at night with the kids, help you vacuum in a pinch, or change the oil in your car?

This is love, my dear friend. This is selfless, genuine love.

Oh, how mixed up we become if we are not careful.

There is nothing wrong with romance. And, while it is probably a good addition to any relationship, in the end romance isn’t the core of any relationship. True love is about selflessness and sacrifice. If we have that in our husband, may we be thankful. It’s all about perspective. Perhaps “happily ever after” does exist, after all.

Parenting 101: Being a “Great” Grandparent

2 Comments / January 24, 2014 January 24, 2014

Of course, as you know, I am not a grandparent. At least not yet! But my husband and I are looking forward to those days (after all, as I always say, if you are going to be old you may as well enjoy it!) I am sure some of my readers have some good input to give on this topic of grand-parenting. I would love to hear your thoughts and ideas in the comments after this post.

From my perspective as a parent of a grandchild, I can think of four very important gifts that grandparents can give their grandkids–

1. Time. Time for conversations, reading stories, and playing games. Times for spotting leaves, finding butterflies and smelling flowers. So often, Mom and Dad are so caught up in their busy lives that they don’t have the opportunity to enjoy the little things of life. But many grandparents finally have the time to stop and enjoy and appreciate things. Including little ones in this special time of life is a wonderful gift for them.

2. Support their Parents. Supporting your children in their quest to raise godly children is such a gift to your grandchildren. Giving Mom and Dad a night off, so that their marriage can be nurtured and strengthened is also a very special gift to give. It is also important to keep our mouths closed around our grandkids. If we are going to speak about their parents, our words should be uplifting and positive.

3. A Listening Ear. Little children love to talk, don’t they? And, sometimes, parents get tired of listening. But that is where grandparents can step in! Grandparents often only have the children for a limited amount of time. Listening to them, without condition, during those times will make them feel valued and loved.

4. Neutral Ground. As kids grow older, the job of raising kids becomes a little more difficult. Battles take place and many are the frustrations. As parents, we are called to teach our kids and to grow them up to be godly men and women. This takes work and sweat and sometimes it hurts. But grandparents, while maintaining basic discipline and, of course, not doing anything contrary to rules Mom and Dad have set, can offer a wonderfully comfortable place where grandkids can just be kids. They offer neutral ground where frustrations and hot topics can be discussed from a more objective view point. Grandparents can be so valuable by functioning as mediators during these times.

These four things will be such special gifts for your grandkids. They won’t understand it until later, but, one day, they will grow up and realize how tremendously blessed they were in having grandparents like you. And that is when you will reap tremendous rewards for your investment in their lives. Many of these children will grow up and want to keep their relationship with you. Instead of a dreaded chore, they will count it as a privilege to spend time with you in your old age. My grown kids still make spending time with their grandparents a priority (NOT that I am suggesting that they are old yet!)

And, so, this post wraps up the month of January’s posts about parenthood. We went from the first stages of parenting to almost the last. Life just keeps changing and sometimes it is hard to keep up. But being flexible and accepting the changes that come is key to enjoying each stage to its fullest!

Parenting 101: What’s My Role?

Leave a Comment / January 21, 2014 January 21, 2014

To be extremely transparent with you, I am still working through this stage. I am in the midst of finding a healthy balance of being supportive without being over-supportive, if you know what I mean. I am trying to find the balance of expectations in this new and strange world of mothering adults. Once again, I find myself way out of my comfort zone.

I think we almost need to break this stage down into two different sections–

Adult Kids living in the home

and

Adult Kids living outside the home

Personally, I have only experienced the first one. As all four of my kids are still living at home and three of them are 18 or older, I do feel somewhat qualified to write about it here. Please notice the word “somewhat.” When you are in the midst of a stage it is hard to tell what exactly you are doing right and what you are doing wrong. But I am fairly confident about a couple of things. First, it is still our home. No matter if they are 15, 25, or 40, if they are living in our home, they still have a responsibility to abide by our rules. Now, those rules, we have found, do need to change and relax a bit. i.e. While we ask the kids to be discerning in their choices within our home (we don’t want to hear ungodly music blaring from a speaker or see worldly junk on the TV in this home), we do not put restrictions on what they do outside our home (although we do feel free to share our disappointment in any bad choices!).

And, second, we do ask them to help a bit around the house without pay for their room and board. Trust me, they are getting the deal of their lives– although, as is typical of life — they really don’t understand this. I know parents who charge room and board and parents who don’t.

If they do not like our rules, we have made it clear that they are free to leave with our blessing. We love them but our responsibility for this home before God remains. So far, they have all decided the perks are worth it! Lots of parents do this stage differently for a lot of different reasons. What do you do? And why?

As we navigate through this time in our lives, we still keep talking and loving and messing up and forgiving. Life is changing substantially for us as parents and for me, particularly, as a mother. I try to lean into the curves, but I don’t really always do such a good job (as my kids will attest to). I wasn’t mentally prepared for this and I find myself feeling lost and out of my element much of the time. There. That’s a bit of honesty for you.

As for parenting our young adults who are married or have moved away, I have a few things to say because of my own experience as a child. And I have been giving some thought to this recently, as my daughter recently got engaged. I want to pattern my parenting in this stage after my own parents. I feel so incredibly blessed and I want to share with you what I believe they did SO right in this area…and continue to do so right. I want to be just like them for my kids.

1. They take their role to support my brother and I very seriously. While they have their own lives and friends, they have made our family (and my brother’s) a priority.

2. They use their words to encourage and love, rather than to criticize.

3. They backed away from their role as “fixer” and got comfortable in their role as “mentor”.

4. When my parents confront us about anything, we take them very seriously. We do this because this happens so infrequently that we know they must feel very strongly if they have chosen to speak to us about it.

5. We have become friends in a two-way sense, so that I can also be an encouragement and support to them sometimes.

6. They bring fun and joy and help to our lives. Vacations and trips and outings are much more fun when Grandpa and Grandma are along.

7. Because my parents love the Lord and have made God a priority in their lives, we can always count on them for biblical counsel.

8. They are not intrusive. They did not criticize us about raising children, handling our finances, or the choices we made that troubled them. And I know that there were times they would have liked to. I am not sure how they were able to sit by and watch, but I am pretty sure that what they weren’t saying to us, they were saying to God. I know we were (and continue to be) prayed for.

And here’s the thing (before you get the wrong idea)–my parents are NOT perfect. They would be the first to tell you that. It’s not about perfection. It’s about humility and love and grace. They have messed up and have their personality flaws just like everybody else.

And, while I picked my parents to write about here, we have also been very blessed by my in-laws (my husband’s parents) as well, who have offered so much love and support through the years and have been there whenever we needed them. We have often said that we don’t deserve so much support when some couples don’t have any.

We are so deeply grateful for all four of our parents. As we enter this new stage of parenting my husband and I pray that we, too, will be supportive and loving and, instead of filling hearts with dread and irritation when we are around, we provide joy and comfort and fun!

I think Adrian Rogers says it best. Here is his formula for being the best in-law you can be —

Hands-Off,

Prayers-On,

Mouths-Closed,

Hearts-Open

Parenting 101: I Need a Reason

Leave a Comment / January 17, 2014 January 17, 2016

My nine year old gave me a little attitude. She was my oldest and, while she wasn’t one to keep her opinions to herself, this was a little unusual. I looked at her and wondered.

But as the attitude continued over the next weeks, I realized that we were starting our journey into the wonderful world of adolescence. I wish somebody would have warned me that it starts so early. Oh, it’s not full blown at nine. Thankfully, I had a nice long transition into this strange world. The next seven years were a bit of a rocky ride for our family as she figured out who she was as a person and we figured out who we were as parents of a teenager! I felt exactly like I had felt when I first held her in my arms as a newborn. Who was this child and what did we do with her?

But we muddled through and she had the wonderful opportunity of being our family “guinea pig”. Now, on our fourth teenager (our youngest is fifteen), we have fallen into sort of a pattern.

You will notice that I said seven years above. That is because, without exception (so far, anyway– one more to go!), age sixteen became the turning point for all of our children. It is when things started to improve– attitudes, motivation, disrespect. Oh, they didn’t disappear overnight (wouldn’t that be nice??) but they started to get so much better.

Now, before I go any further, I think it is important for you to know that our family had some difficult times during these years. It was not all happiness and roses. We had moments when we feared that we were going to lose a couple of our children to the world. Moments where we were weighted down with heavy, heavy hearts by those mistakes we have made and realized we were going to probably pay a very high price for making them. God, in His great mercy and kindness, reached down and touched hearts and wrought change. Only He could do that and we give Him all of the glory.

I am not here to give you some perfect formula. I don’t have one and I doubt there is one. But, by the grace of God, each of my kids has committed their lives to the Lord and we see fruit in their lives that gives evidence of that commitment. I do not tell you that to boast, but to give validation to what I write here.

And, while this time in the life of a family is a little scary, it can also be very rewarding, especially if you did all of that hard work when they were toddlers and elementary-aged children. And while some of what we did when they were younger still held true as they turned into young adults–things such as loving them unconditionally, making time for fun, and having lots of discussion time– there were a few other things that we learned were also really important during this time.

First, pray for your children to love God with all of their hearts, souls, minds, and strength (Mark 12:30) before they give evidence of needing that prayer. Don’t wait until they are in some kind of trouble and then pray for God to extricate them. Pray often and hard for them to hunger for God and to hate sin. We know this is God’s will for them and we can pray with confidence!

Second, this is the time that we have to provide reasons for our rules. These kids beg for and need a reason for the rules you set in your home. And rightly so. As an adult, don’t you like to have a reason for requests made of you? Oh, you may get them to obey you on the outside during their teen years but when they get to college– look out! They are just itching inside to do and watch and listen to all of that “fun” stuff that wasn’t allowed and when they finally escape the watchful eyes, they take in the world with giant gulps. These kids have never understood that they are accountable to God, not to Mom and Dad.

In our family, we tried to help our teens understand that we were accountable to God for what we did and did not allow in this home. We tried to give reasons. We did not ask them to agree, only to respect our decision. Gradually, as they matured, they started to understand that they are accountable to God, as well, for their own choices and we had the pleasure of seeing them start to make their own wise decisions. Notice the word “gradually”. It is a long process.

Giving rules that make sense was a challenge for me, at first. I remember times that one of the kids would come to us and ask to do something and I would give an automatic NO without thinking and my husband would look at me and say two words: Why not? Why not, indeed? I realized I actually didn’t really have a reason and would humbly change my mind. And so, you can see, this was something I needed to learn.

Third, ‘tweens and teens do need some rules. Oftentimes, children of legalistic parents often end up parents of children with no rules. These parents know how harmful legalism was to their souls and so they decide they are just going to let their kids do what they want and hope and pray they come around. While rules without reasons should cease, rules themselves should not. We need to set standards in our homes that please the Lord. It is our job as parents. And it is important to remember that as our kids get older, we need to back away and gradually let them make some of their own decisions. It’s a slow, gradual process, but it does need to take place.

Fourth, the Bible needs to be established as your family’s solid foundation. I cannot even begin to tell you the value this has in the life of a family with teenagers. Especially in this crazy world. The other day my 15 year old and I happened to watch a clip of a news show that had six different women giving “their views” on marriage. We both had to shake our heads as we realized that these women were basing all of their views on their own personal opinions. Nothing else. What a precarious place to put your trust.

Here in this home, we knew we had to teach our kids that God’s Word is where we find the way we should live and so this is where we turned, not only for big questions, but for reasons for the standards we set.

You want to go to that movie? Please tell me if Jesus could come along and watch with you.

You want to buy that group’s album on iTunes? Print out the lyrics and show them to me so we can compare them to what God’s Word says.

Your friend did what to you? Let’s see what God’s Word says about responding to that hurt.

A girl at church started living with her boyfriend? Let’s find out why that isn’t right from God’s perspective.

The Bible provides truth, answers, comfort, strength, and guidance. It has proved itself over and over to us. It is far more valuable than what any magazine or talk show host or psychologist has to say about anything. We tried to make that clear in our home.

Fifth, we need to set a good example ourselves. We can hardly expect our kids not to cheat and lie, if we do so. We can’t expect them to practice discernment in their TV watching, if we don’t. If we want them to make church a priority, we need to make church a priority. If we explode in anger, are we surprised when they explode in anger? We need to try to be what we want our kids to be as adults.

Sixth, we need to keep our loving authority in place. In this weird, wishy-washy world we somehow have found ourselves in, your teens will try to convince you that you have no right to judge or critique anything they do. After all, you have plenty of your own sinful habits and areas to grow. Who are you to tell me? This is a constant theme in much of the Christian world and I have a sneaking suspicion it is working its way into our homes.

It is a hard day when we realize our kids see our flaws and foibles. It’s an even harder day when we have to discipline them for something we struggle with so much ourselves. It does feel a little hypocritical, quite honestly. But, as parents, this is our job. We want them to go into the world more prepared than we were to handle the struggle we still battle. And, by the way, tell your kids that. Don’t ignore their concerns. Talk to them and let them know how inadequate you feel and the struggles you still face. Be humble. This goes a long way in building your relationship.

Seventh, keep the future in mind. Instant gratification in raising teenagers may exist, but it comes with an extremely high price. Now is not the time to be your teen’s friend. It’s going to come but it isn’t now. There will most likely be some very difficult moments. Moments when you want to give up. Moments when failure looms in front of you. Try to keep the goal in mind. Ignore the embarrassment you feel from the comments of others. Ignore the few minutes of hatred spewing from your teen’s mouth. Don’t be too proud to listen to advice, but run it all through a biblical grid. And, most importantly, this is not the time to worry too much about your reputation. Your child is more important than any reputation. This one I learned first-hand.

Don’t let each battle with your teen weaken your relationship, instead face it head-on with loving leadership and open communication and let it strengthen and deepen your relationship, until eventually, the battles become less and less fierce until one day they disappear completely and you are left with the beautiful promise of a lifetime friendship.

There is so much more to say. A short blog post cannot even begin to encompass my heart on this issue of teens. My heart aches for so many kids who do not feel they can talk to mom and dad and feel so lost. For the parents who feel almost as lost as the kids. It was not meant to be this way.

And, while this is a challenging stage, it can also be very rewarding. I cannot begin to tell you the joy that comes from watching your children grow to love and serve the Lord. It is truly the only thing that matters. It is the legacy we carry with us into eternity. May we remember this during each and every moment of this challenging time in our lives.

Parenting 101: When They Grow Out of the Cute Stage

1 Comment / January 14, 2014 January 14, 2014

Somewhere in the neighborhood of six or seven our kids start losing all of that adorable “cuteness” and turn into ordinary kids. It is no longer cute if they bring in mud or talk disrespectfully. It’s just annoying. But, on a very bright side, they can now take their own showers and we get a full night’s sleep.

This was my favorite time of parenting. While I have loved each and every stage for different reasons, I would have to chalk this one up as my favorite so far. I homeschooled all of my kids through all (or most) of their elementary years and we had such a great time! We played games and read books and did projects. I scolded and cajoled. And sometimes I yelled. But we still had fun, despite the frustrating moments. Camping together as a family at this stage was especially rewarding. There would be loads of excitement about even the smallest activity. Few demands and lots of joy. It was a simple time.

But, while this is such a fun and less demanding stage (if you’ve done your work during the toddler stage, that is…), we can’t let down our guards. For now is the time to get them ready for those chaotic teen years just around the corner. And, by the way, if you haven’t done your homework in the toddler years, it’s not too late. Now is the time…before it is too late.

I am not sure we specifically planned them, but we did seven things during these years that I can see now prepared our family for the teen years. While there are some things I would change if I could do it all over again, I wouldn’t change these seven things–

1. We taught them God’s Word. I had a formal Bible time each morning in our home school and Eric had devotions and prayer time with them at bedtime each day. We wanted to foster a love in their hearts for God and to know and love His Word. We wanted them to know that their spiritual lives were important to us.

2. We talked about important topics in front of them. We talked about problems and struggles and biblical solutions. We spent dinner times and travel time and bedtimes talking about just about everything. Campfires were especially wonderful for this. Nothing was off-limits because we wanted them to know that we were here to answer their questions. If we didn’t have the answer we would hunt it down. We used God’s Word as our guide and our foundation. I believe this is how we developed the biblical world view that they each continue to hold to this day.

3. We laughed and played a lot. While we enjoyed many serious discussions, we also had lots of fun. I hope that our kids knew that we enjoyed being with them and that we valued them as an integral part of this family.

4. This was the stage where we started to require chores. We laugh now about my many efforts to organize this. Oh, the charts and graphs and beads and coins that went into trying to systematize chores! But I never gave up. I think it is so important that our kids start giving back to the family at this stage. It helps them understand the balance of work and play and also makes them feel like they are an important part of the family. And have them work alongside you while you fix the car or bake a cake, teaching them what you know. After all, your kids will work for the rest of their lives in one capacity or another. Now is the time to teach them a good work ethic and the skills they need to live a happy, productive life.

5. We spent some one-on-one time with each child. At this stage it is so much easier just to do things in a group. And that is important. But it’s also important to spend time alone with each child, getting to know them personally. And, while I know some families who set up special “dates” and outings, we accomplished this a bit more simply by letting the children take turns staying up later (they just loved watching their siblings go to bed while they snuggled on the sofa to read a story with mom!) or taking only one child to the grocery store. Even if you don’t have time to plan something, you can work one-on-one time into your schedule.

6. We tried not to overschedule. This is the time of life where we start feeling pressure to get our kids involved in sports and dance and music lessons and math club. And these are not bad things. But be sure to leave some time for them to be bored. For that is how they develop problem-solving skills and their creative side. If every moment is scheduled, they become dependent on their schedulers and list-makers, instead of learning to think for themselves. Our kids need some downtime. In our family we accomplished this by keeping activities to only one or two at a time (i.e. music lessons and soccer). We also had a daily quiet time in our homeschool where each child would spend an hour or so in their rooms, reading or playing quietly (which also functioned as my sanity keeper in the midst of those crazy years!)

7. And–maybe the most important thing at this stage– we listened. Most kids in this stage talk and talk. And talk. And then talk some more. My mom gave me some really good advice about this, which I’ve shared here on the blog before: “Listen now so they will talk to you later.” Oh, such wisdom. Now is the time to develop the good communication you will need as you head into the teen years. I have found her words to be true.

If you find yourself in this stage of parenting right now, I hope these seven things will help you as you prepare your kids to become teens and adults. These years will too soon be over, so try to appreciate each moment you have with these young treasures. I still feel an ache in my heart when I talk to kids sometimes, knowing that that part of my life is over.

And always keep in mind that the work you put into them now will reap immeasurable rewards later. Keep up the good work, my friend!