Marriage – Page 9 – Growing 4 Life

Pushing Too Hard

4 Comments / April 26, 2012 April 26, 2012

A few evenings ago I found myself grating soap for a project*. Three bars of Fels-Naptha soap had to be grated into a bucket for this project to be completed. And so I unwrapped the first bar and started grating. I pushed really hard on the grater and could feel its plastic frame bending beneath the pressure. My arm grew tired and I started wondering what I had gotten myself into. When I had only a little bit of that first bar left, it hit me. Pushing the soap onto the grater so strongly may be hindering this process…not helping. And so with the next bar, I decided to let the grater do the work. Instead of pushing, I simply guided the soap. The last two bars went so much more smoothly than that first one and were half the work. And I realized that had I kept pushing so hard, I would have probably broken my grater and came away from the project with a very sore arm.

And I wondered…could this be similar to how it works with someone we love? Specifically, I was thinking of my husband and older children. When I see something in their lives that just isn’t honoring the Lord, do I tend to push (nag, complain, punish, constantly bring it up)?

Of course, there are situations where we have to push. But, more often than not, in my own personal experience, pushing leads to broken relationships and a very tired “pusher”. Could it be that guiding and praying is a better way to deal with some situations?

I can think of several issues over the years where this has been true, but most recently, a specific issue comes to mind. A few years ago I became very concerned about a pattern I was seeing in the life of one of my children. This child was drinking multiple sodas every day and eating a ton of candy. They were old enough to make their own decisions and spent enough time outside our home that I could not control what they were putting into their body. I grew worried about the long-term ramifications of this pattern and so I started pushing. “You shouldn’t be drinking this.” “You shouldn’t be eating that.” I was mostly ignored. “I’ve got to die from something, Mom,” they would say. After awhile, I realized that my words weren’t helping and I backed off and started praying.

That was probably a year ago now. A few months ago, this child started making changes in their eating patterns. Awareness had dawned and changes were following. Only a few weeks ago, this same child came to me one morning and shared their serious intention to start curbing their sugar intake. Their choices since then shows that they meant what they said that day. Wow. Really? Thank you, Lord! You can change my child without my constant pushing and nagging!

Parenting is tough. Marriage is tough. But perhaps sometimes we make it so much harder when we try to push and pull and be the ones to bring about change in the lives of the ones we love instead of leaving it up to God?

And that is what I learned from grating a few bars of soap.

*In case you are curious, the project was making my own powdered detergent for my HE washer. I found the recipe on Pinterest and thought I would give it a try. I have used it for several loads already and so far, so good!

Our View of God, Our View of Man, and Why It Matters

Leave a Comment / April 19, 2012 October 2, 2016

Following is an abbreviated version of the talk I prepared for a Mom’s group this morning. I thank them for having me and, as this is the second request to speak on this particular topic in a matter of months, I thought some of you might be interested in it, as well.

Holiness. What is it? And why does it matter? Why has this word almost disappeared from mainstream Christianity?

I think it is in great part because we do not have a biblical definition of Who God is. We like to read about a “god” who meets our every need, who helps us find our purpose, and who grants our wishes. We aren’t so thrilled about a God who requires us to live holy and pure lives. We fill our minds with books that tell us who we want God to be, instead of the biblical description of God. God is holy, all-knowing, supreme, and loving. He hates sin and cannot tolerate it in any form. We need to get to know the God of the Bible in order to properly understand holiness. God doesn’t exist to give me purpose and He doesn’t exist to fulfill my every need. His wrath is mentioned in scripture more times than His love. We can’t fully understand holiness if we are trying to define God in a way that pleases our emotions.

I also believe that an unbiblical understanding of who we are as human beings is to blame. I heard a song on Christian radio a few months ago that says “Jesus help me understand that I was worth dying for.” I turned it off immediately. That isn’t biblical at all. The Bible tells us we WEREN’T worth dying for. That is the amazing beauty of salvation. It is God’s free gift to us, even though we were without any merit whatsoever. Over and over, outside the church and inside the church, we hear the common theme of how beautiful we are to Jesus. But this is not a biblical theme. Only through Jesus do we become pure and white and beautiful. Only through Him do we have any merit.

If we have a LOW view of God and a HIGH view of ourselves, it leads us to have a very LOW view of sin. We start believing that sin isn’t important. That God understands and will forgive. We don’t care about pleasing Him…we are more concerned with receiving blessings from the big “genie” in the sky. We become wrapped up in our own selfish desires, rights, and concerns and expect God to meet us there…instead of bending ourselves to His will and purposes. Holiness isn’t about a list of do’s and don’ts (what many like to call “legalism”), but it is instead a desire to show our love and gratitude to the God who has made a way for me, a sinner, to be reconciled with Him through the amazing sacrifice of His Son.

And this idea should affect all areas of our lives. I like to use the word “peas” to help me remember some of these areas (I really wanted to think of a meaningful word–but, alas, “peas” is the only thing my mind could come up with!)

1. Presentation–how do we present ourselves? What kind of language do we use? Are we modest in our dress? Do we complain all of the time? What do our priorities show about what we view as important? Can people tell we love the Lord by how we present ourselves?

2. Entertainment–what do we watch? What do we listen to? What do we read? If we couldn’t invite Jesus to join us…if our choices are full of the things God hates…then we can be sure we shouldn’t be watching, listening to, or reading it. I fail to understand the rationalization that goes on in this area on a consistent basis by believers. If God hates it, we shouldn’t want any part of it — in real life OR on a page, a screen, or our car radio.

3. Attitude–Who are we at home? Are we kind, loving, and patient, or do we only put that face on when we are at church or work? How would our families describe us? Do we think of others and their needs? Do we have an attitude of graciousness and kindness or do others view us as selfish, unpleasant, or angry?

4. Stewardship–How do we spend our money? Do we live in constant debt? How do we treat the bodies we have been blessed with? Do we overeat or eat to comfort ourselves? How about the hours of each day? Do we waste hours on activities that have no eternal value whatsoever?

Each of us probably struggles in one area more than another, but we all struggle. I, personally, REALLY struggle with some of the things I have just mentioned. But all four of the things listed above aren’t options but should be an outpouring of the love we feel for our God.

You see, holiness is about pleasing the Lord with every area of our life. Eric Ludy puts it this way: ” Anything that turns the mind to self instead of the heavenly is opposite of Jesus; if it will not serve the purposes of Jesus Christ it has no allowance to be there.”

You know in your heart today where you struggle. You know what part of your life you are struggling to live in purity and holiness. We are all different. But we are all the same in this: We battle against our flesh and selfish desires.

But let us remember this:

“God is only truly known in the soul as we yield ourselves to Him, submit to His authority, and regulate all the details of our lives by His holy precepts and commandments.” A.W. Pink

May we never give up our quest to please our heavenly Father with our life and our choices. May we keep Him and knowing Him as our priority. May we turn away from our rebellious hearts. And may we be wise and discerning in what we allow in our minds and our lives. And may we never forget that the Lord will be with us all of the way, to strengthen and guide us. He is faithful forever. What a great God we serve!

Resources:

The Attributes of God by A.W. Pink (book) I wish every Christian would read this book. It has been invaluable in helping me understand who God is.

The Power of a Holy Life by John MacArthur (article) Excellent article on how Holy Living affects the world around us.

No More Games: Living and Breathing the Holiness of God by James MacDonald (sermon series) I haven’t heard this whole series but what I have heard is excellent!

Marilla’s Crust

Leave a Comment / March 8, 2012 March 8, 2012

This summer we are planning a trip to Prince Edward Island. The movie, “Anne of Green Gables” and its sequels have long been a favorite in this home (well, at least among its female members). But I had never read the books. So I decided if we are going the whole way to P.E.I. I should at least read the first one. It was delightful reading, full of realistic, stirring characters and lovely descriptions of the landscape–a perfect escape for dreary winter hours. But I digress!

Last night, upon finishing the first of the series, Anne of Green Gables, I couldn’t help but think of the character of Marilla. Marilla was a spinster who, along with her brother Matthew, brought an eleven year old orphan girl into her home to raise. She had never been taught to share her feelings and found it difficult to praise Anne, even when Anne had accomplished something remarkable. Marilla, in effect, had a crust around her heart. And, yet, the author made it clear just how very much Marilla loved Anne and showed the conflict that Marilla felt within herself in those moments where something positive should have been said.

It gave me great insight into the characters we run into every day. Just a few weeks ago, I was quite pleased with something I had accomplished and someone, off-handedly, made me feel like they thought it was silly and unimportant. Marilla’s character helped me understand this in a new way.

You see, I am not sure we always say what we feel. Some of us just spout off words without thinking how they sound. And some of us, never having seen an example of giving encouragement and praise, find it extremely difficult to say nice things. Some of us, when we are overcome with emotion, say things that may even sound brusque or harsh. But we love deeply, just the same.

And I guess Marilla’s crusty exterior teaches us two things–

1) Our relationships with others must overflow with grace. We should never give up on anyone. Oftentimes, we do not know the circumstances or relationships that formed who they are today. People always do things for a reason. Life is too short to be holding grudges, anyway. Let’s strive to love others like Jesus loves them, no matter what they have said to us. Grace — what a wonderful word.

2) It makes me examine my personal use of language. Before speaking, let’s ask ourselves: Is this a necessary thing to say? Will it add or take away a block to the wall between us? Are these words going to edify this person or tear them down? (Ephesians 4:29) Scripture makes it quite clear that even when we need to confront someone about sin, it is to be done in Christian love. There is never room for harsh, unkind words. And yet some of us use them almost every day. May we strive to encourage others with our words, and, when necessary, may we wrap confrontation with loving kindness.

I am so glad I picked up Anne of Green Gables, by Lucy Maud Montgomery. It is a beautiful story full of life lessons. I highly recommend it!

The S Word

7 Comments / February 27, 2012 February 27, 2012

If you are a Christian woman, you are very familiar with this word. You may have chosen to ignore it, you may refuse to do it, or you may struggle with it every day of your life. I am referring to the word submission. This is one of the hardest words for Christian women to come to terms with…or is it just me?

I do not even feel qualified to write about this. This is a constant struggle for me. But I guess if I only wrote about the things in life I have perfected, I would never write anything!

Whether we like it or not, the concept of a wife submitting to her husband is biblical (Ephesians 5 and Colossians 3). If you are a woman with leadership skills and a strong personality this directive is especially challenging.

Many of us are women who naturally take charge. We don’t mean to portray anything negative or unkind. Lots of times we don’t even realize we are taking control from our husbands. We are often so busy organizing and controlling our children that we just start trying to do the same with our husbands.

In our home, this leads to some fireworks! Thankfully, my husband isn’t going to tolerate me taking over his role as leader and so we have had to deal with this word on a frequent basis. I have truly had to give some contemplation to this word and what it means for me and my role in my marriage.

The other day while I was reading Galatians 3:28, which is the verse about how we are all one in Christ Jesus, my eyes slid down to the MacArthur notes at the bottom. And something caught my eye. It was about submission:

Nor is this spiritual equality incompatible with the God-ordained roles of headship and submission in the church, society, and at home. Jesus Christ, though fully equal with the Father, assumed a submissive role during his incarnation.

I don’t know why, but I had never thought of that before. And I realized that Jesus is our perfect model for submission. On the night before his crucifixion, when He prayed “Not My will, but Yours, be done,” He was submitting to the Father, someone who was His equal.

I think perhaps that is where I get messed up. In our culture, submission means inferiority. The lesser person submits to the powerful, greater person. But when the Bible talks about submission it is never about the issue of inferiority. It is hard for us to work through that, isn’t it? Submission feels like inferiority. But if we are practicing biblical submission and our husbands are practicing biblical love, then we are experiencing God’s perfect design for marriage. And it is good.

On this day, we all find ourselves in different places. You may be like me and have lots of fireworks in your home as you work through this issue. You may have this down because you are naturally a follower. You may be struggling because you have a husband who refuses to lead. Or you may have a husband who is unloving and unkind in his leadership. But, somehow or other, we Christian women all need to deal with this word. What a comfort to see Jesus’ example of this as He went to the cross to die for us.

May we be women who never give up trying to grow in this area of our lives, no matter how our husbands choose to play their role as leader. And by growing, may we set a good example for our daughters and the young girls who are watching us.

10 Thoughts on Building a Healthy Marriage

Leave a Comment / February 13, 2012 May 31, 2015

It seems only appropriate to talk about marriage as we approach Valentine’s Day. What exactly defines a good marriage? How do a man and a woman not only stay together but actually stay best friends for life? I have a few ideas gleaned from my own 25 years of marriage to my husband, Eric. We have also had the blessing of observing the marriages of both sets of parents and other Christian couples who have set such wonderful examples. Some of the suggestions I have listed here are still very much in progress in our marriage, so please don’t think we have it all together! Here are a few thoughts on the topic of marriage, in no particular order:

1. Have common goals. It is so very hard to be best friends with someone who has totally different goals than you do. Whether it is how to handle finances or where to live or how to raise the kids, it is important that we be unified in most areas. If we cannot come to an agreement about some issue, it is important to come to some kind of compromise, so that we can live in harmony before the children. Of course, Biblical Truth cannot be compromised, but, if we are honest, we will admit that most of our arguments are based on our own selfish desires and have nothing to do with Biblical Truth. Nothing is more disruptive to a marriage than two people going two different directions.

2. A willingness on both parts to admit wrongdoing. This is so very basic– and so very necessary. Just this week, in separate incidents, both my husband and myself had to admit ways in which we messed up. Instead of sweeping them under the carpet, we thought about the sin we had committed and then apologized. I have to honestly admit that this is very difficult for me. My personality is such that I have a really difficult time doing this and it will often take me a few hours or even a few days until the Holy Spirit has convicted me to humble myself and admit my wrongdoing.

3. A willingness for both spouses to forgive and extend grace. Sometimes our spouse isn’t even aware that they hurt us. We need to forgive each other always. If we don’t, then eventually a volcano of bitterness, hurt, and anger will spill over. Some offenses are much easier to forgive than others. But, according to Scripture (Matthew 18:21-22) we are required to forgive each other–again and again. Grace, mercy, and forgiveness go a very long way in preserving a marriage.

4. Don’t allow our expectations to control our responses and reactions. We expect our husbands to read our minds. We expect our wives to have a clean house and hot meal waiting at home, regardless of her day. We expect our husbands to romance us. We expect our wives to understand our need for solitude. And when our spouses do not understand these things, we are offended. But, perhaps, instead of growing hurt and offended and angry, we should communicate our expectations and then determine what is realistically possible? I know when I was homeschooling, my husband had an expectation that I would keep a clean house. This caused a temporary rift in our marriage because I found this to be almost impossible. My husband had an expectation and I was having a very hard time meeting it. Most of us have some unrealistic expectations for our spouse that, if we are not careful, can build a wall between us. Years later, I now feel like it is a realistic expectation for me to keep the house tidy–at least for the few hours the kids are at school!

5. Appreciate each other. Sure, all of us have plenty to complain about, but we all have lots to be thankful for, too. And we need to make sure that appreciation moves beyond just our thoughts and to our mouths. We need to tell our spouse how much we appreciate them generally and specifically. We need to share with our children how much we appreciate their dad or mom. And we should talk positively about our husband or wife when we are in public.

6. Give God first place in our lives. I feel like this is so fundamental that it hardly needs to be said. However, so many of us forget the importance of this in our busy lives. I just heard John Piper say in one of his sermons that he has always encouraged his children to read their Bible in the morning – even before breakfast. In fact, if there is no Bible, there should be no breakfast…the implication being that it is more important to eat spiritual food than physical food. If we are in the Word and confessing and praying and continually examining ourselves, we will be a much easier person to be married to. If our spouse is doing the same thing, it will be doubly helpful to the marriage. The Lord blesses those who live in obedience to Him.

7. Keep our marriage in second place. Not the kids. Not the job. Not the shopping or the sports or the church. We have a responsibility to keep the needs of our spouse of primary importance. I have really struggled with this and continue to struggle with this. Through the years I have found myself in a place where I would meet the many needs of my four children and let my husband fend for himself. I still find myself doing this, as my husband would loudly confirm were he given the opportunity. But we all– whether we are husbands or wives–need to be thinking about our spouse’s needs. We need to be serving them, loving them, and keeping them a priority in our lives.

8. Surprise each other now and again. Okay, so maybe this isn’t as profound or deep as you were expecting but I can honestly say that some of the best times in my life have been when my husband has surprised me. Taken me outside of the ordinary. We live so many of our days in the ordinary that somehow it is so romantic and fun to do something or to receive something unexpected. Last week, Eric walked in the door with a beautiful magenta orchid in his hand. Just because. It wasn’t a holiday or a special occasion. I love those moments! It is fun and healthy for us to break up the commonplace once in awhile with a surprise.

9. Stick with God’s pattern for how a husband and wife are supposed to work together. Women, whether we like it or not, God has set the husband up to be the Spiritual leader. We are to submit to and respect our husbands. Men, whether you want to or not, you are called to be the spiritual leader in your home. You are held responsible before God to love and protect your wife and family and to guide them with Biblical wisdom. This is a responsibility that I see so many women taking by default and many Christian families are affected negatively because of it. God’s design is always perfect. We may not like it, but it is right there in Scripture (Ephesians 5:22-25).

10. No secrets! I can’t think of one on this list that is more important than this. Be honest with each other. In our marriage, we have made the decision to keep our computers, our phones, and any financial accounts open and available to be seen at any time. We talk honestly about our feelings on almost all topics. When communication is not going on, it is the beginning of misunderstandings, bitterness, and fear. Suspicion and distance and walls grow out of keeping secrets. But light shines on a relationship that makes honesty a priority.

All marriages go through ups and downs. We all hit rough times that we just need to toil our way through. But we can never give up. And one final thought – PRAY for your husband or wife. Pray for your marriage. God is faithful!

So, there are some suggestions. This is certainly not an exhaustive list and I am sure I left out some really important points. I would love to hear some of your suggestions and thoughts about this topic. What has really helped to make your marriage work?

Be a Blessing not a Burden

Leave a Comment / January 30, 2012 April 19, 2016

From the time my kids were small I sent them off with these words: “Be a Blessing; not a Burden.” I am not sure where I came up with it. I think I just made it up. But whether they were headed to Grandma’s, a friend’s house, or a soccer game, those were often my last words to them. Did they always listen to me? I highly doubt it. But, hopefully, it got them thinking about others.

I still say it every once in awhile. And it is actually good to say to myself, as well. Because if we are concentrating on being a blessing to others and making an effort at not being a burden to them, it changes how we interact with others completely.

For instance, if I want to be a blessing, I will be looking for ways to encourage those around me. When conversing with them, I will want to find out how they are, I will ask questions, and I will genuinely care. If I want to be a burden, I will only talk about myself – my opinions, my problems, my issues– and not let the other person get a word in edgewise.

If I want to be a blessing, when I see the other person rushing to be first in line, I will slow my gait instead of speeding up to beat them to the line. Or if someone is holding one item to check out and I have a cart full of groceries, it means allowing them to go ahead of me.

Sometimes being a blessing means just not saying something that might be true. Many of us do this frequently. Whether it be directly to someone or it be about them, we say lots of words that just don’t need to be said. Who cares how her hair looks? Or what shirt she is wearing? Why not pray for their obvious budget or job problems instead of talk about them in a negative way? And sometimes it is not so much that we talk about it (how can we work together to help them financially at this time?) but how we talk about it (isn’t that the third time she’s worn that blouse this week? Can’t they afford anything else?)

Being a burden happens when I think only of myself. If I just scurry around in my day thinking only about me, then I won’t stop to ask someone how their weekend was, care about what they think about my “great” idea, or if they have any thoughts on the new plan I am putting in place. I won’t care if my kids believe they are the center of the universe and act like it on the soccer field. I will stand for my personal rights at all times and never back down. I will buy what I want, wear what I want, go where I want, eat what I want. “No one can tell me what to do,” will be my mantra.

In contrast, being a blessing is thinking about others. It includes things like: Asking those who will be affected how they feel about my new plan before just putting it into place; offering a drink to someone working hard in or outside my home; making my home a haven for anyone who visits; realizing my kids have faults, admitting it, and dealing with it; talking it over with my spouse before buying a large item; saying please and thank you – instead of acting like I am entitled; giving in on the things that truly do not matter in the scope of life. The list could go on and on.

As I write this, my husband is blessing me by taking my girls to the school bus. This is the time of year he gets to sleep in- he works really hard and is up by 5 am most of the year- but he blesses me oftentimes in the winter by getting up early enough to take them, so I don’t have to go out into the cold, icy air. It is a great start to my day and I am always so very thankful for his kindness.

And I wonder how I can be a blessing to someone today? How about you? Who can you bless today?

Philippians 2:3-4 Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.

Parenting with Purpose

5 Comments / January 19, 2012 January 19, 2012

My four kids in 2003-- where does the time go?

This morning I am speaking at a local MOPS group on the subject of parenting. As I thought about my life as a mom, I realized how many mistakes I have made and how much I have learned. And I thought of the moments we have as parents that are so proud…and the moments that are so devastating. It is only by the grace of God that we raise kids who love the Lord. Below I have included a condensed version of what I am saying this morning, including some resources I recommend.

1. PERSPECTIVE We need to keep perspective on what is truly important. If we are believers, then we only have 18 short years to mold kids who love the Lord with all of their hearts, souls, minds, and strength and love their neighbors as themselves (Mark 12:30). How do we keep proper perspective? I would like to make three suggestions: 1) We need to pray humbly and often. 2) We need to always think about what’s best for our children, rather than get caught up in our own insecurities and feelings. 3) We need to be very careful where we get our information. Look for biblical resources as you face issues with your children. God’s Word must reign supreme. Godly advice has rarely been found in secular books and magazines.

These three things will help us to remember what is truly important as we go about the job of raising kids.

2. PLAN We need to stop parenting out of convenience and reaction. We need to carefully plan each of the following:

–Conversations: use conversation starters like, “What’s your favorite song?” , “Why do you think that person did that bad thing?” or “What scares you the most and why?”

–Activities: When I over-scheduled myself and my children, I would end up short-tempered, with irritable kids, a messy house, and an unhappy husband. I eventually learned that the strife wasn’t worth it. We need to carefully plan our activities and only do the things that are truly important.

–Entertainment: This encompasses so much of our lives. It includes TV shows, movies, music, and video games. We should give great care and thought to, not only on what we allow them to watch and play, but also how often. We should be encouraging our children to be producers (creating, imagining, and building) rather than consumers (watching).

–Chores: We should be actively involving our children in the work around the house, so that they are learning self-discipline and the sense of accomplishment that comes along with hard work. We want to raise adults who are willing to serve others. This starts at home with chores.

3. PRAISE and PUNISHMENT It is important to establish parental authority in our homes when our children are young. It will not get easier as they get older. While listening to our children’s thoughts and feelings on matters is important and even, on occasion, may lead us to change our minds on an issue, we need to be the authority in our homes, as God designed.

We need to be very careful in our use of praise and punishment. Neither should be overdone. Punishment should only be for defiance and not for accidents. It should be thought out and never be born out of our split-second angry reaction. Ha! I write this and I know that I still struggle with this. Angry reactions are what comes natural to me. “Give me your ipod! I am keeping it for a year!” Thankfully, my husband usually helps me see reason and we develop a more reasonable punishment.

And, on a side note, I have never seen a child’s psyche damaged because they can’t wear or eat what they want. However, I have seen great damage occur when a child always gets their own way and believes themselves to be the center of the universe.

4. PROPER PRIORITIES Our priorities should look like this: 1. God 2. Marriage Relationship 3. Children. In many homes, it appears that the children take the number one spot. In fact, I heard Tim Keller talk about this the other day on a podcast. He talked about how the child-centered family of today, instead of being a healthy Christian model, is nothing like a Christian family should look like. Many of us have made our children idols and the troublesome thing is – in most Christian circles we believe this is the right thing to do.

5. PRIVILEGE We need to remember what an incredible privilege it is to raise children who love the Lord! Many are those who only wish they could do it once or do it over. We need to remember how blessed we are and continue on doing our very best even when the road grows difficult and we grow tired.

There is a war going on for the souls of our children. We need to fight for them! God has entrusted many of us with one or more of these souls. May we approach this opportunity with purpose and whole-hearted devotion.

Some resources I recommend:

Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp

What the Bible Says About Parenting by John MacArthur

Dare to Discipline by James Dobson

Creative Correction by Lisa Welchel

The law of imperfection

2 Comments / December 19, 2011 December 14, 2014

The other night we had the blessing of going to our daughter’s Christmas Concert at school. She was only in two numbers during the whole two hours, so we had kind of psyched ourselves up to get through the evening. When we arrived, we found some good friends to sit by and proceeded to move to our chairs. Except when we went to sit down, we found ourselves bumping elbows and hips. The seats were so closely put together that it was almost impossible to sit comfortably.

I started to complain almost immediately. “Who set up these chairs? What were they thinking?” I tried in vain to wiggle my chair to the left and then to the right. It was so uncomfortable. I turned my head to the end of the row. Could we possibly inch the chairs to the left or right? Nope. No chance. They would obviously be out of line with the rest of the rows and there was not an inch of space between any of them. I sat back and resigned myself to sitting diagonally on my seat to get through what was going to be a very long evening. My husband (whom I nicknamed “MacGyver” a long time ago) came up with a great solution. We folded up an unused chair. Aahhh. Space to sit comfortably. We adjusted our chairs and actually enjoyed the rest of the evening, which was filled with the songs of Christmas.

But as I pondered on my reaction, I realized something. I complained when the chairs weren’t set up correctly, but I wouldn’t have even thought about the chairs if they would have been set up in a comfortable way. I would never have entered the row and exclaimed how lovely it was that the chairs were positioned so comfortably. We could just have easily solved that problem (i.e. fold up an extra chair) without my unnecessary complaining. Are complaining and negative words necessary for solving an uncomfortable or difficult dilemma?

So why this human tendency to focus on imperfection? Why do we so often notice the bad stuff but tend to ignore the good stuff? Why do we feel the need to complain and criticize when something doesn’t suit us? Why don’t we notice how wonderful something is? Why don’t we appreciate when something goes as planned?

We find this law at play in our company. We have several hundred customers we service regularly. I bet you can guess who we hear from most often. Yep- you guessed it! The ones who are dissatisfied. We are always so very thankful for those customers who take the time to write a note thanking us or to pick up the phone and call just to tell us how pleased they are with the work we did for them. What a blessing to us and to the employees who did the work.

Let’s take this thought and apply it to our homes, shall we? When was the last time we thanked our husband or wife for doing something good- or even something very routine- that we expected them to do? On the other hand, when is the last time we scolded, criticized, or even yelled at that same person for doing something we didn’t like? Play the same scenario out in your head with your children, your friends, your parents, your pastor, and your co-workers. You see, it is applicable in almost every area we find ourselves in.

Sure, sometimes the negative has to be addressed. I am not talking about the unhealthy choice of ignoring serious problems. What I am referring to are the things we say that just do not need to be said. It’s the unnecessary comment I made about the chairs. It’s the negative comments we make about our favorite sports team, our children’s schools, the restaurant, or the store where we shop. It includes the unkind comments we make to our close friend about someone’s hair…or clothes…or choice of dog…or how they use their money. Unless it is a biblical issue and against a commandment we find there, does it really matter?

The Christmas season is upon us. What a great time to encourage others and set a good example with our language. Let’s edify one another with our words and comments as we gather together for Christmas celebrations.

Proverbs 10: 19 In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, but he who restrains his lips is wise.

Colossians 4:6 Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.

Proverbs 25:11 A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.

On purses and bad decisions

Leave a Comment / December 5, 2011 December 5, 2011

“Mom, can you cancel my bank card right now?” The distressed voice said quietly in my ear. My mind quickly thought of a few scenarios that may have triggered this request, but I wasn’t expecting to hear that my daughter’s car was broken into while she and her boyfriend were delivering turkey dinners to the needy for Thanksgiving.

After a long and drawn out conversation with my bank to deactivate the card, I called my daughter back to get the longer version of what happened. She had hidden and locked her purse in the car around 10am, when they had joined a group to deliver the dinners. About five hours later she returned to a broken car window and a missing purse (along with a few other items). Thankfully, she still had her iPhone and the car key. But her favorite purse- a loss in and of itself- had contained a special key chain with all of her other keys, her glasses, her camera, her bankcard (with $300 stolen in a matter of hours), her license, and a number of other items hidden within the depths of that purse.

When she returned home, we had a long conversation about why it isn’t ever wise to leave your purse in a locked car in the city. It wasn’t wrong–it just wasn’t wise. If she had asked me (the older and wiser person in this case) I could have steered her in a different direction…at the very least I would have suggested she put it in the trunk. While it caused some major inconvenience and expense, we all make mistakes and thankfully it wasn’t the end of her world. You can get a new license. You can get new glasses. You can buy a new camera. And supposedly the bank is even going to return her money.

But it did make me wonder–how often could we spare ourselves consequences if we listened to someone wiser than ourselves? Not only on the black and white issues that are clearly stated in God’s Word, but on the gray issues, too.

Some mistakes aren’t just inconvenient and expensive. Some mistakes cost a lifetime…or a relationship…or your life savings. Why are we so slow to ask for…and then follow…advice from someone older and wiser than ourselves? Perhaps we don’t always need to learn the hard way. What if there are people who learned through some very difficult circumstances and can tell us where our current path will probably lead?

That lady who married an unbeliever may tell you marrying an unbeliever is like playing Russian roulette.

The workaholic, now aware of his mistakes, may tell you that what he gained financially wasn’t worth what he lost in relationships.

The recovering alcoholic may tell you that it all started with a weekly trip to the bar.

The nagging wife may tell you that all her nagging got her was an unhappy marriage.

The recovering gambler may tell you that he would give anything to never have walked into a casino.

Oh, the wisdom that can be gained from listening to those who are older and wiser than ourselves. But, no, we think it won’t happen to us. We won’t become the alcoholic who destroys our family or the gambler that puts our family into financial jeopardy. We think the person we marry will become saved… eventually. We believe that “nagging is just my personality”. Oh, we come up with all kinds of rationalizations, moving full speed ahead.

But do we have to always learn things the hard way? Or does a wise person learn from the mistakes of others? In fact, God’s Word, in Proverbs 19:20, instructs us to “listen to counsel and receive instruction, that you may be wise in your latter days.” The person who shuts his eyes and proceeds to travel a dangerous path is going to fall. It is not a matter of if…it is when.

Pride and stubbornness lead to heartache. An unwillingness to listen to wise counsel leads to heartache. And do you know what is the most heart-wrenching thing about this principle? It is that nine times out of ten–if the person would have just listened– they could have saved themselves such dreadful consequences.

As I write this, I think of a girl who just made this statement. She has found herself in a terrible, awful mess. About the worst you could find yourself in as a 22 year old. And as she ended up tumbling down to the bottom of a very deep emotional chasm, she said to the person who had counseled her wisely several months before: “I should have listened to you.” She wishes she would have listened to the wise counsel given to her. But, for her, it is too late. She has a long, dreary, difficult road ahead of her now.

We have one opportunity to live this life. Only one. And there is no guarantee on how long it will last. May we be wise and teachable. May we learn from our elders. May we not be so arrogant and naive to think we will be spared the obvious consequences of unwise behavior. May we never think we are too old and wise to learn from the experiences of others. And most of all–may we desire to please the Lord in all that we do.

What’s It Like to Be Married to Me?

1 Comment / December 1, 2011 December 1, 2011

The title of this book caught my eye as I perused Amazon. I can’t even remember what I was looking for…but it wasn’t a book on marriage. But that title…it was a sermon in and of itself. And I found myself really contemplating it. What is it truly like for my husband to be married to me? I have spent so many thoughts on what it is like to be married to him that I forgot the other side of the equation.

As I read Colossians 3 this morning, and then the similar passage in Ephesians 5, I realized something. Oh, it was not a new thought to me, but God brought it to my attention this morning once again. You want to hear my big insight? Here it is: I can only control me. I can only control my actions, my thoughts, my words, my reactions, my heart, my mind, my body. I am the only one who can control me and I am incapable of controlling anyone else. This especially hits home in a marriage.

Whether my husband treats me wonderfully or badly…I still have a responsibility to respond in a way that pleases the Lord. Whether my husband gets me roses or a vacuum for Valentine’s Day….I still have a responsibility to respond in a way that pleases the Lord. Whether my husband gives me a back rub or a bag of laundry…I still have a responsibility to respond in a way that pleases the Lord. You get the idea.

What is it like to be married to me? I am not sure it is all that it should be. In fact, I am sure it could be a much better experience for my dear husband. May I continue to ask that question throughout the rest of my marriage. It is my hope to be a blessing to my husband. Sometimes we get so caught up in the busyness of life we forget to love and respect our husbands the way God instructs us in His Word.

And we could actually take a similar question and apply it to almost any of our relationships:

What’s it like to be my child?

What is it like to work with me at the office?

What is it like to be my parent? my sibling? my friend?

What is it like to go to church with me?

What if I was my neighbor?

What if I was on a committee with me?

If we find ourselves in a difficult relationship that is full of hurt and anger or just a stilted, uncomfortable relationship, perhaps this is a good place to start. Let’s “put the shoe on the other foot”. Let’s think about how we present ourselves–what kind of tone we use, our body language, our facial expressions. Let’s think for a moment what we may have said, how we may have acted or reacted, the expression or lack of expression that may have been hurtful or unkind.

I think, so often–at least in my life–I spend most of my time thinking about how the other person did something, said something, hurt me, etc. instead of the reverse question. Because, after all, it is much easier to think about the faults of others than my own faults.

And so, God continues to use His Word to teach me. And sometimes He uses wise authors who, even by the title of their book, can speak to me. I haven’t read the book yet (see link below) but I did buy it. Because you are never too old to work on your marriage!

http://www.amazon.com/Whats-Like-Married-Dangerous-Questions/dp/1434700569/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1322698701&sr=1-1