Marriage – Page 10 – Growing 4 Life

O, to be like a crossing guard

Leave a Comment / November 17, 2011 November 17, 2011

Each morning I pass by a busy intersection near our local middle school. And every morning, I see the same lady faithfully directing traffic and protecting children. She stands with confidence and is dressed appropriately for the conditions, whether there is sunshine, rain, wind, or the dangerous fog. She is observant and always on her guard because any lapse of judgment would put the children she protects in great peril. And, given it is middle school children she directs, I can imagine that the “thank yous” are few and far between. She has also probably put up with a couple of obscene gestures and angry drivers, as well. But she keeps doing her job. Because she is dedicated to that job and takes it seriously.

We Christians could learn a lesson or two from her–

1. We should know what our job is and do it with confidence. God’s Word tells us the “job” description of a true believer in Jesus Christ. We should know what that is and then go about it with confidence. There is such an emphasis on tolerance in this culture, that many of us, while being and looking like true believers in our hearts and homes, are not so confident out in the middle of the intersection. We raise a half-hearted hand to direct traffic and to “kind of” tell them to slow down, but we are afraid to say, “Stop! Do you know where you are spending eternity?”

2. We should stand strong in all types of weather. It is hard to do our job when tough times come. And tough times are not just the big stuff, like job change, death, or divorce. Sometimes tough times can be a long week of being unable to sleep at night. Or they may come with a child who is simply downright difficult. For some, it is related to children leaving the home or perhaps intrusive in-laws. We all have different weather conditions we face. But I think it is safe to say, we all experience different types of weather. Just like the crossing guard shows up and does her job, no matter what the weather, so we, too, should be standing strong with Jesus, no matter what the weather.

3. We should be dressed appropriately. Ephesians 6: 10-20 gives a vivid description of the armor of a Christian. Paul describes how we should be covered from our heads to our toes. And, yet, so many of us are missing a piece of armor. Perhaps it is Truth that is to be girded around our waist, or maybe the Breastplate of Righteousness. It could even be the Shield of Faith. But no matter what it is, when we are missing our armor, we become very vulnerable to our enemy. Any chink in our armor becomes a target, where we can be attacked and destroyed. We need to make sure we have on the whole armor of God, as Paul teaches us in this passage.

4. Apathy puts our children in peril. If the crossing guard was not paying close attention to what she was doing, the children would be in great danger. If she stood on the corner lazily smoking a cigarette, the intersection would become a difficult and very hazardous place for the children she has pledged to protect. Why is it any less important for us as we guard the hearts and minds of our children? We can never let our guards down. We can never stop striving to discern, protect, and make decisions that please the Lord within our families. There is no time this is tested more than when you have teenagers. Oh, the many times I have been tempted to throw my hands up in the air and shout, “I am tired! Do what you want! I don’t care!” At those moments, it is my husband who tells me, “we have to care! We cannot grow tired!” How thankful I am for his perseverance. It is critical to have this perseverance when raising children. To not have it is to put their souls in great danger. We need to parent with a purpose. We are responsible for these children God has entrusted to us. We can never grow apathetic or lazy in this duty!

5. We can’t care what people think. As most of us have already learned, there is very little thanks that comes for standing what is right. More often, we are attacked. But if we are standing on God and what His Word says, then we can stand with courage and confidence. What would happen if that crossing guard walked dejectedly out of the intersection every time an angry driver made an obscene gesture? And, yet, so many of us walk dejectedly away when we are criticized or someone disagrees with us. While we are to be at peace with all men to the best of our ability (Romans 12:18), we are never instructed to compromise. So, while we need to go about standing for truth with love and grace, it is important that we stand. Not saying anything when God’s Word is being compromised is sinful. We can never afford to back down when Truth is attacked. May we stand strong even when the heat of the fire starts to burn us!

As Christians, we have been called to be salt and light. God gives us everything we need to know in His Word. May we be like that crossing guard, standing in all types of weather, dressed appropriately, and always persevering. May we give little heed to those who criticize us unjustly. And may we hear “well done, good and faithful servant,” when we meet God face to face.

When Forgiving Is Hard

4 Comments / October 6, 2011 October 9, 2015

Forgiveness is difficult enough with proffered flowers and a humble apology. It feels almost impossible when there is no repentance from the person who deeply hurt you. But that happens to most– if not all–of us at one time or another. So how do we deal with it?

How do we handle the moments we are unjustly or dishonestly accused of something? The times that we are hurt by unkind words or thoughtless actions?

You see, I think a lot of Christians talk about forgiveness but I am not sure all of us practice it. It is easy to say we forgive someone. But how do we truly make that happen? How do we move that forgiveness from our head to our hearts?

There is no formula and there is no set timeline. But there are a few things that have helped me tremendously that I would like to share with you–

1. Ask the Lord to show you how you could have handled the situation differently or if there is any truth to the accusations. While this is a painful process, it is also very helpful. Sometimes we can learn and grow from a situation, no matter how painful or unfair the original situation was.

2. Realize that the offense was not personal. Oh, this is hard. But after you replay the situation in your mind for the 100th time and after you have offered any necessary apology, then you have to realize that it is the other person’s problem. It is not yours. Recognition of this is very helpful in the forgiveness process.

3. Stop thinking about it. I find that the angry thoughts and feelings build up the more I dwell on what happened. The hurt and the sadness can overwhelm you and you feel like you are drowning. Don’t stay at that place. Make a conscious effort to move your mind to a better place. This is a difficult process but it needs to be done. Train your mind to think about something else. Get out and do something. Focus on your blessings.

4. Understand that your lack of forgiveness will only hurt you and those you love. Yes, we have all heard this but it is so very true and it bears repeating. I see in my life an example of someone who chose not to forgive someone a very long time ago. The fruit that has been born from that decision has been devastating. And I have actually seen that process start to take place in my own life as I struggled through forgiving someone. Graciously, God showed me that the person who hurt me was completely indifferent to how I felt about them and my actions were only hurting myself and my family.

5. Give your broken heart and anger to the Lord. Ask the Lord to help you supernaturally love the person who hurt you. Ask Him to do a work of forgiveness in your life. I have found that it is only when I surrender my will and my feelings to Him that I move towards true forgiveness. Sometimes you are so hurt you can’t even pray. If that happens, ask a few of your closest friends to pray for you. Cover yourself in prayer. Satan would like nothing better than for you to be at odds with that person for forever.

These are a few thoughts that continue to help me deal with unfair accusations or deep hurt from someone who never says they are sorry. I would love to hear how some of you have dealt with similar situations? What has God taught you about forgiveness?

How I long for the day where difficult relationships and hurt feelings will be a thing of the past but, until that day, we need to bravely be the better person. To be at peace with all men, as we are told in Romans 12:18–

“If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.”

Water in the Basement

Leave a Comment / September 15, 2011 June 24, 2015

Last week brought record flooding to the Eastern United States. Water gushed into the basements of thousands. Carpet and furniture were ruined. TVs, computers, and video game consoles were rendered useless. Photos, toys, clothing, and boxes of Christmas decorations all needed to be sorted through–many of the items tossed into the trash dumpsters that needed to be ordered for the occasion.

Now tell me this–what would happen if someone just decided not to clean up the mess created by the water? What if they just decided to shut the basement door and ignore that it ever happened?

Of course the whole home would become uninhabitable rather quickly. The smell itself would drive out the homeowners. But along with that would come mold and mildew and creatures and sludge. And then, if someone was crazy enough to continue living there, bacteria, infection, and disease would eventually make their presence known.

But, of course, this is a ridiculous line of thought, right? No one in their right mind would let it go this far.

However–

While we might not allow things to rot in our basements, let’s think about our relationships for a minute.

Many of us–maybe even all of us–try to ignore things in our relationships with spouses, children, parents, or friends. We just think if we ignore it it will go away. But would that horrible stench in our basements go away if we just ignore it? Of course not. So why then do we think the problem in our relationship will disappear?

I think this is often the underlying cause of those later-in-life divorces. You know the ones–where they have been married for 25 or 30 years and then, suddenly, out of the blue, the one spouse wants out and the other one never saw it coming. I guarantee you that somewhere in the hazy craziness of all that is going on with that couple, one of them made a decision to ignore something that was really bothering them.

Another example that comes to mind is our teenagers. So many of us just want to ignore the trash on the iPod or the inappropriate texting. Because for the moment, it it the easiest thing to do. But ignoring things like this will lead us to big-time regret.

But it is so much work.

But it is too hard.

But I don’t feel like it.

But I hate conflict.

But it just isn’t worth it to fight.

But I give up.

But I am tired and do not have the energy to deal with this.

But, but, but…

I am afraid we cannot afford the “buts”! What if the basement was flooded and the homeowner pronounced those words?

“I am too tired. It is too hard. It is not worth it. ”

That would be ludicrous, would it not? Why then is it okay for us to do this when we have an issue in a relationship?

Many a marriage has ended in divorce, many a teenager lost to the world, and many friends forever parted–all because someone was not willing to say, “hey, I love you, but this is a problem. Let’s figure this out together, because you are worth it to me.”

Do you have a stench in one of your relationships? Is mold and mildew growing there? Is there a mess that needs to be cleaned up? I know it will be hard work. But it is worth it! Let’s care for and protect our relationships, just like we care for and protect our homes!

Steel Rods (and why they do not belong in a marriage)

2 Comments / August 18, 2011 April 25, 2015

I could almost feel the hot, molten metal filling my spine. At first, came the searing heat of anger.

“You can’t tell me what to do!”

“Who do you think you are, anyway?”

“If you love me, you would consider my point of view.”

The red, liquid metal hardened to solid, unyielding steel as the days passed and my thoughts frequently turned to the topic of debate. I felt my heart harden right along with my spine. I wasn’t moving. We had come to an impasse, my husband and I.

What were we going to do about it? Because– did I mention this already?–I wasn’t moving.

I felt a flutter of discomfort–perhaps the Holy Spirit–move in me. I ignored it. I went on with my daily activities like everything was fine. As did my husband. Every now and then we would try to talk about it. And get nowhere. Finally, I think we both gave up.

A couple of weeks later, we were able to talk more about it. I was able to state my valid points in a kind and open way, instead of with an angry finality. I think he really did hear me and we came to an agreeable understanding about the topic, for the most part.

But I still couldn’t pray. Any efforts at prayer couldn’t get beyond the white ceiling above my head. What was wrong, Lord? Why didn’t I feel at peace with You?

I tried to figure it out. My mind glossed over the steel rod already hardened somewhere deep within. It couldn’t be that.

“Lord, you have to understand. I know my husband is the leader, but…You can only expect so much, Lord.”

My excuses went on inside my head for a day or two. But I knew what was keeping me from fellowship with God. I finally submitted to Him and to my husband’s leadership. When I had confessed my sin, I prayed that God would provide a private moment with my husband so that I could apologize. God graciously granted me this often scarce blessing almost immediately and I humbly apologized to my husband.

Did that mean I had changed my opinion about the topic we had heatedly disagreed on? No, not even a bit. But I found that discussing my very strong feelings on this subject with kindness and openness and listening ears made a huge difference in not only that one particular conversation but in the status of our relationship. Instead, I had chosen to plant my feet in concrete and had single-handedly launched our marriage into some very difficult weeks.

I am sharing my experience here as a wife with her husband. But, let’s not forget that men do this, too. Men, please do not use your God-given role as leader to excuse a steel rod within you. Speaking words like “I am the leader, you are to be submissive and do as I say” will build a high wall between you and your wife before you can even spit out that sentence. Your wife is quite familiar with that steel rod of yours. And she feels quite lonely and unloved because of it. If you love your wife, show her how important she is by asking for her thoughts and opinions on things. Show her you care enough to listen.

There is just no room for steel rods in either spouse in a godly marriage. Steel rods make for very lonely people living in the same house. If something is so important that you are willing to sacrifice the health of your marriage on the altar of it, you’d better make sure it is worthy of that sacrifice. Did your wife ask you to lie on your tax return? Did your husband ask you to steal something? It had better be that serious.

We need to lovingly listen to one another. And when we come to an impasse or a disagreement that just can’t be bridged, then the husband needs to lovingly assert his God-given authority and the women needs to humbly submit to that authority.*

And don’t forget to pray together. And pray for each other. If you and your spouse are struggling through something and you feel really strongly about it, speak softly** and pray that your husband or wife would really hear you. And be humble enough to ask the Lord to show you if you are the one who needs to change your mind.

Love, kindness, and humility bring not only a lasting marriage but a healthy marriage. Let’s strive to have healthy, long-lasting marriages. Let’s show the world that marriages modeled after God’s Word are not only different but, oh, so rewarding!

*Ephesians 5:22-33: 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. ²⁴ Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.
²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, ²⁶ that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, ²⁷ that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. ²⁸ So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. ³⁰ For we are members of His body,^[d] of His flesh and of His bones. ³¹ “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”^[e] ³² This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. ³³ Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

**Proverbs 15:1: A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Choices

Leave a Comment / August 8, 2011 August 8, 2011

The little boy jumped up and down on his bed excitedly. He was going fishing with Daddy after his nap! He had jumped the blue and red comforter almost all the way off of the bed by the time Daddy scolded him. Daddy told him to rest a few hours and then they would go. He laid down and tried to close his eyes. Meanwhile, Daddy told Mommy that he had to run out to do an errand, or to go hunting, or to see a friend. Mommy believed him. Instead, Daddy was headed somewhere else.

I can’t help but wonder if this was the story behind the minivan I saw parked at the “adult” store we passed on the way home from a trip away yesterday.

Lives destroyed by our choices. Not only our own lives are affected by our choices, but the lives of our families. In this case, it is a choice to visit an “adult” store. Instead of working things out at home, it is easier to just run away. But, even if we have no inclination to visit an “adult” store…EVER…we still have choices to make, don’t we? Choices that affect those around us.

Choices as damaging as lingering over coffee with a co-worker of the opposite sex long after business has been discussed. Or perhaps it is something as simple as choosing to watch TV instead of playing and having fun with your kids. But both of these decisions have consequences.

Choices based only on our own selfish desires are almost always destined for bad consequences.

I can remember years ago, when I was in the habit of turning on Oprah, an episode about “successful” women. Most of these women were heads of multi-million dollar companies or had developed wonderful charities. There was one thing each of these women had in common. If I remember correctly, I think all of them had gotten divorced through the process of fulfilling their “dream”.

They had made a choice to “follow their hearts” and had chosen their desires over their families. They were praised and applauded for making this choice by the world.

But if they could do it again, would they find it worth it? Were they really happy? Or were those plastered smiles on their made-up faces covering a whole host of hurt, pain, and questions? Who determined that being the head of a multi-million dollar company deserves the praise of the world but choosing the selfless way of being a wife and mother does not?

If I am being honest here, and I may as well be, or you won’t even want to read what I am writing…I really struggle with making selfish choices. Oh, not the big things…but in the little things. The things that reap small, negative consequences…like strained relationships. And almost every time I make a choice based on my selfish desire, without care for anyone else’s feelings or thoughts on the choice, I find myself in the midst of arguments, hurt feelings, and chaos.

You see, the world will tell you to focus on yourself and what YOU want. This message is plastered on billboards. It is on almost every reality TV show. It is the message of many a magazine article. We find this message everywhere. We find it everywhere– except in the Bible. Not once in the Bible do I find a command to think of myself first when making a choice. It is always about thinking of God first. Of others first.

A difficult command to live out in today’s culture.

Floating the right direction

Leave a Comment / July 25, 2011 July 25, 2011

It was so HOT. Even in the mountains. So we grabbed some tubes and headed to the creek. We were floating gently along, feeling the warm sunshine on our faces, when I felt someone bump into me. My good friend had purposely pushed her husband’s tube away from hers inadvertently towards me. She quipped, “I meant to push him away but not towards another woman!” and we joked about the symbolism of that and I told her it would probably end up in one of my blogs. And here it is!

I couldn’t let that one go. We do that, don’t we? We gently push our spouse away. We don’t plan to push them towards someone else’s arms. That is truly not our intention. Perhaps we just are struggling through something we don’t want to share with them (which is never a good idea, anyway) or maybe we tend to be more solitary and like to be alone or maybe we work too much or focus too much on the kids instead of our spouse.

Sometimes we just would rather watch TV than listen to our best friend talk about his golf game or her trip to the mall. We are too lazy to get up off the chair and look at something they created or fixed or found.

Or perhaps we have become much more comfortable at sharing the negative about them and the positive about others. When men tell their wives they are too fat or too skinny or their feet or nose are too big…that is like giving his wife a giant push away from him. And when a wife tells her husband that “you don’t know what you’re doing” or jokes about his faults in front of their friends…she is doing the same. We need to be so very careful with our words.

And, finally, one day, after years of bad communication patterns, we wake up and our spouse is in someone else’s arms. They are looking towards someone else to meet their needs for love and respect and passion. If they aren’t needed at home then they will go somewhere else. It happens over and over again…each and every day. It is one of the most tragic events in existence. Families crumble, children suffer.

A successful marriage takes so much work. And we make choices to keep our spouse close or to push them away every day. Every marriage goes through cycles, but if it is made up of only pushing away it means your inner tubes are floating further and further away from each other. And the further you float away, the harder it is–the more work it is– to swim back towards each other again.

But it is worth the work! No matter where you find yourself. And today is a good day to start! If you have been struggling giving attention to your spouse, make today a new beginning! Listen to them today. Be kind. And keep that inner tube close to yours, before they float away out of sight!

Giving Second Chances

Leave a Comment / June 30, 2011 April 5, 2014

Leslie and Kelly — Kelly and I in our freshman year, when we both still had a lot of growing up to do! So glad we were able to give each other a second chance and go on to enjoy a lifetime friendship!

We always hear about taking second chances–but how about giving them? We all know that first impressions are often behind firm opinions we make about others.

But what if your first impression is wrong? What if what you heard them say wasn’t really what they said? What if–in a moment of fear or anger–they said something they didn’t mean? What if that air of arrogance and pride is a wall of protection that has been built by a deeply hurt heart?

But judging on first impressions means two things. First, we make a snap judgement that is often inaccurate and unless that person comes back into our world in a very profound way, we will keep that opinion forever. Second, we lose all opportunity to minister or develop a friendship because we figure they are “too far gone” or “we won’t have anything in common”.

In my freshman year of college–over 25 years ago now– I ended up with a roommate who was about as different from me as you could get. I was the sheltered, opinionated girl from a Christian background. She was the worldly, new believer from a difficult past. We both made very serious judgements about each other, causing our freshman year to be extremely challenging for both of us. By the time it was over, we weren’t speaking much. In fact, all of our sophomore year was mostly spent avoiding each other. But at the beginning of our junior year, we ran into each other and just started chatting and we realized something– we had both grown up a bit. We had both changed. Ironically, and by the grace of God, we developed a strong, wonderful friendship that continues to this day.

That friendship developed because both of us were willing to give the other a second chance. We had to forgive and we had to believe that people can change.

Do you believe that? Do you believe that people can change? Or do you make a snap judgement that you never re-visit? Think about someone who just irritates you or maybe someone you wrote off a long time ago. Think on why you made that decision about them. Have you thought about them lately? Have you considered that they might have changed? Or that maybe…possibly…your original judgement may have been wrong??

Sure, some people never change. And some people make it difficult to give them a second chance. But– if we truly believe that God is God–then we have to believe that God can change people. We should never, ever write someone off as hopeless. And we should never, ever make a permanent decision about someone based on a first impression. But we all do it.

Do yourself a big favor–strike up a conversation with someone you decided you don’t care for–or maybe even downright dislike. You may be surprised. You may realize that you can get along with each other, after all. At the very least, you may gain insight into why that person behaves in the way they do. You may walk away saying you never want to do that again but at least you tried. At least you looked past that one bad impression to see the real person.

Love is like the weather

Leave a Comment / February 14, 2011 February 13, 2016

Since it is Valentine’s Day , it seems only fitting to write about love. Specifically the love between a husband and wife. I have now been married 22+ years. That means I have been married approximately 8030 days. Or 192, 720 hours. And I would be lying to you if I said that I felt love for the guy I am married to all 192, 720 hours–or even all 8030 days. Marriage is a bit of a roller coaster ride, isn’t it? Or maybe it is more like the weather.

Winter has felt long this year. It snowed at the end of December and continued to snow. There has been snow on the ground for a long time. At least for this area of the country. It has been cold, too. Not many, if any, warm, sunny days to remind us that spring is coming again. It felt like winter was going to last forever. But when I got up this morning, I looked out and it felt almost warm. There was a large patch of grass…not just the itty bitty ones I had been seeing.

Even when it felt like winter would last forever and spring would never come, I knew differently. I think perhaps marriage is a lot like that. Just because you don’t feel love doesn’t mean that there isn’t love. We all have moments in our marriages that are like the weather–long, unending spells of indifference like the long winter months or sudden moments of impossible impasse like a summer storm. But, no matter what it feels like, if both parties choose to stay committed to the relationship, the feelings of love will come back around.

I remember when my husband and I were married around 7 years. We came to a sudden and, what seemed impossible, problem. It lasted for months. Our children were affected by it. My mother was worried about us. The funny thing is that I have no recollection of what the specific issue was. I can’t remember at all. I do know this, though: If there was ever a time in our marriage where there was a danger of one of us walking away, that was the time. It was that bad. But I think I can honestly say that neither of us ever even contemplated it. Not because we were so wise to know that things would get better. We were young. My focus was on the dark, gray present time, not some unseen likelihood of sunshine again in the future. We stuck it out because both of us were committed to the marriage.

You see, we had seen marvelous examples of marriage in the lives of our parents. We had seen them go through ups and downs. Both couples had been through some really tough times. But they had stuck it out. They had promised to the Lord and to each other to love and cherish in sickness and in health. In good times and bad. And they stuck by those vows, even when the going got tough.

We feel blessed to have parents who have such a commitment. But there are amazing examples of this everywhere. If you aren’t blessed to have parents who have stuck it out–and, let’s face it- that is probably true for many of you–take a look in your extended family. Or your church family. You will find couples celebrating their 30th, 40th, and 50th anniversaries. Sometimes even more. That is true love. True love sticks around through all types of “weather”. It does not disappear when the going get tough. It is commitment to the partnership above commitment to self.

And, so, while I thank God for the feelings of love–can you imagine life without feelings??–I also thank Him for the tough times that make us work beyond our feelings. The tough times are what yield the strong, sturdy love that can weather any storm and are a blessing and example to those around us.

Here are the typical marriage vows. I thought it might be a good reminder for all of us married people to remember that we said something similar to this one very special day in our past. And that the vows we made are no less true now, than they were then–

I _____, take you ______, to be my wedded husband/wife. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish ’till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness.

Is This Really Love?

Leave a Comment / February 7, 2011 October 23, 2015

Maybe I have grown a bit skeptical after so many years of being married. Perhaps my doubts have come with age and life experience. You learn things. Like about love, for instance. I like a good love song as well as the next person. There really is something special about someone crooning their love for their soul mate. But one of my kids had a song on the other day and as I listened to the lyrics–well, I pitied the poor girl that the song was being sung to because there is no way on earth that the song could be true. Here are a few of my (not so) favorite lines–

Oh her eyes, her eyes make the stars look like they’re not shining

Oh, really? Eyes that shine that bright would look…odd.

Her hair, her hair falls perfectly without her trying

Maybe I’m just jealous? My hair has never done that.

She’s so beautiful and I tell her every day

Every day?? Good for you! Keep that up for 50+ years–even when that stuff above isn’t true anymore.

And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for awhile

Wow! Maybe I AM jealous. I don’t think even one person has ever stopped and stared when I smile.

You know Id never ask you to change; if perfect is what you’re searching for then just stay the same

Perfect? Is anyone perfect? Can you live with someone even a few months and still believe they are perfect?

We can only conclude that the sweet guy who wrote this song has not been through real deep waters with this girl. It is probably a new relationship, just blossoming with infatuation.

I know, I know…I am being so skeptical. And I definitely agree that there is a place for “sweet nothings” and romance. But for some reason this love song really got to me. I guess it’s because by now I am fully aware that love isn’t about how someone looks. Or about how they smile. And if my husband actually said I was perfect, I would know that he is either A) stupid or B) lying.

Is this what our kids are expecting when they fall in love? It’s not realistic. It’s not practical. While for an infinitesimal amount of time someone might feel like this about someone, those feelings do not last very long. Sooner, rather than later, the hair is sticking out all over the place and the eyes are burning with anger, not shining with love. And I don’t think the whole world stops and stares when even the most beautiful movie star smiles.

True and abiding love comes when someone loves you in spite of your faults. Your lack of perfection. Your angry eyes. Your gray hair. They love you because they have committed to love you. They stick by your side, even when they don’t feel like they love you. Because the feelings will come back around again. After all, love that lasts is more about commitment than feelings.

And, so, I will take a husband who knows my imperfections and loves me, anyway. A husband who is honest with me about my faults and wants to see me become a better person. A husband who will stick by me, even in the worst of times–even when I am the worst me. And, I, in return, will do the same for him. Because that is what makes true love last.

Don’t Believe Everything You Hear

2 Comments / February 3, 2011 August 30, 2014

A long time ago, a young man and a young woman fell in love and decided to get married. Several months before their wedding day, they decided to attend some marriage counseling sessions, knowing that this would help them to identify any future problem areas on which they may have disagreements– such as how many kids, financial issues, and how to handle the in-laws.

The pastor with whom they were meeting gave the engaged couple an “official” personality test, designed to determine any possible problem areas in their new life together. The young woman eagerly filled it out, wondering what wonderful things she would find out about her and her future husband’s relationship when the results came back. She was in for a big surprise!

When the next week’s marriage counseling session came around, the young couple sat before the pastor and were told that the test showed that the two of them should not even get married. Should not get married! The test showed that they were quite incompatible. This was certainly not the report that either of them was expecting to hear.

Obviously, my husband and I did not listen to what a test had to say about us and we continued on our path to wedded bliss. 23 years later, here we are–still best friends, more in love now than we were then. Hopefully, we are a bright and shining testimony that, with God at the helm, any relationship can work.

But as I remembered this incident many years ago, I started thinking about we should never take anything at face value. We have to be very careful to not believe everything we hear. Just because it is on the 6pm news or your pastor said it does not mean it is true. There is only one place we can find the Truth and that is in God’s Word. Any thought, philosophy, or science that disagrees with scripture is a lie.

Here are a few popular lies that we hear today:

-The world took billions of years to create/form.

The Bible says God created the world in 7 days (Genesis 1). If God didn’t create the world in seven literal days then death entered the world before sin. That changes everything.

-Listen to your heart.

The Bible says the heart is deceitful and desperately wicked (Jeremiah 17:9). Listening (and obeying) our hearts is the cause of a lot of heartache in this world.

–Live your best life now!

Really? That is not what I read in the Bible (John 16:33, I Peter 1:6-7). II Timothy says it best: “Yes, and all who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will suffer persecution.” It can’t be any more clear than that. I wonder what a Christian facing great persecution would have to say about living his best life now?

–Make your dreams come true at all costs.

Make your dreams come true. Your dreams. There is the problem. When we turn to God, we give up our dreams. When we choose to follow Jesus, we also choose to deny ourselves (Mark 8:34). This is not a popular philosophy today, is it? DENYING ourselves and laying our dreams at the foot of the cross, living to glorify our heavenly Father instead of ourselves. Even as I write that sentence, I almost cringe knowing that even most fellow Christians do not ascribe to this “sold out” Christianity.

When we received the discouraging results of the personality test, I admit I did really have to struggle through that, worrying about that “nugget” of man’s wisdom for a day or two. But I knew that my fiance loved me. And I knew that I loved him. And, most importantly, I knew that we both loved God and were headed the same direction in our goals for our faith, family, and finances. What more could you ask than that?

And so, I am glad I chose not to believe that particular lie. It is almost daunting to think of the life I would have missed, had I backed away in fear! Not everything we hear is true or has merit.

How important it is that we put everything through the grid of the Bible. Satan is like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour and, while the test we took as a young engaged couple didn’t really fly in the face of scripture, there are many things we are told today that do. Let’s pay attention so that we are not deceived.