Love – Page 4 – Growing 4 Life

Crossing the Barrier

4 Comments / June 9, 2014 June 9, 2014

What is true love?

Is it the butterflies you feel in your tummy when that cute guy or gal says a few words to you?

Is it that feeling of flying after your first date with the future love of your life?

Is it the comfortable feeling you get when surrounded by family members?

Is it shown by cards, gifts, and flowers?

What is true love?

I recently heard John MacArthur say something like this —

True love can only happen when we cross the barrier of our emotions.

Wow.

Yes. That’s it.

We can’t truly love someone until we can cross the barrier of our emotions.

Our emotions can be so misleading, can’t they? They tell us we love someone when we think good things about them or have good feelings towards them. They tell us we no longer love them when we think hateful things about them or have angry feelings towards them.

And yet true love has nothing to do with emotions. Only when we cross this enormous barrier of emotions can we experience true love.

I think it may be especially hard because we have been conditioned to live our lives based on our emotions. From easy access to abortions and no-fault divorces to the feeling-driven worship in our churches — we have based almost all of our actions on our feelings. Very little value is placed on deliberate actions taken that go against our feelings. Very little value is placed on forcing our thoughts to go a different direction than our feelings take us.

And, yet…

that leads to shallow living on all accounts. And not very much love.

God doesn’t really care about how we feel as we sway to the music of the worship team. He doesn’t care how we feel when we hold the hand of our newest love. While I am sure he delights in that, his main concern is our obedience. And obedience comes at a great price.

But only with obedience (which will mean turning away from our emotions) can we truly understand what love really is.

There are many times I do not feel like I love my husband. But those feelings always pass. I cannot rely on them to be the barometer of my love for him.

Life is hard, but it is made much harder by the fact that we base so much of our lives and life-changing decisions on our feelings.

We need to cross that barrier — and, yes, it takes purposeful and diligent work to do so — to experience true love as God designed it.

A Look Back

3 Comments / May 16, 2014 May 16, 2014

In just a few short weeks my oldest daughter will be getting married. My dining room is filled with boxes and wedding supplies as she prepares for her big day. She and her fiance are busy fixing up an old house they were able to purchase. It is fun to watch them together, as they work on wedding plans and prepare to start their new life together. But it is also frustrating because my daughter lives here and her stuff is here, but she isn’t really here. Know what I mean?

And I wondered how I felt the summer before my August wedding? Was I as in love? Were my parents frustrated with me?

But I didn’t have to just wonder. I could actually look back. Because, as you may already know, most writers journal. And so I have some kind of record of my feelings about life since about 5th grade. I have pulled out those journals every great once in awhile as I have raised my teen girls.

So a few nights ago I decided to pull out my journal from the summer of 1988. I had not read those words since I had written them. It was strange to read the words of my former self. I am the same person. And yet, I am not the same person.

In those pages, I read about events and relationship dynamics that I had totally forgotten. And guess what? I had some of the typical problems with my parents, too, as an adult living at home. Only I had a different perspective back then. I had not remembered any of that.

It was also interesting to see what I had written about my future husband and myself and the problems I anticipated us having as we headed off into marriage. And all these years later, I could see that I was right. They were the problems that we have faced over and over again in our marriage.

As I told my husband about my insight into our future as a 22 year old, he jokingly said, “well, I guess you shouldn’t have married me.”

But I can honestly say that never crossed my mind. I’d marry him all over again in a heartbeat. And so I responded, “If it wouldn’t have been those problems, then it would’ve been different ones.”

Yes, we have issues. Every marriage does. There is no perfect relationship. (Why do we think there will be? Could it be the romance novels we read? Or the chick flicks we watch? Why in the world are our expectations so high?)

But we work through them, one step at a time, with candor, forgiveness, a sense of humor, and total commitment.

And how gratifying to realize almost 26 years later, that we have made some progress. We are not the same people we were when I was writing all those years ago. We have changed and matured and become just a little bit more like Jesus as we have added years. Oh, those flaws flare up and still stare us both in the face sometimes, but it isn’t as often. And it isn’t as severe.

I don’t know if you have your life recorded in journals. If you do, why not pull one out and take a few moments and look back? See how far you’ve come. If you don’t, then just take a few moments and think about how far you’ve come. Whether you are 25 or 95, think about your past years. Has your marriage relationship improved over the years? Have you become more like Jesus? Praise the Lord if the answer is yes. The Holy Spirit is working to sanctify you, just as we believers are promised in scripture (I Peter 1:2). But if it is no, don’t despair! Start today to create a new future! One step at a time. It is never too late! (And remember, real and lasting change can only be found after our relationship with God has been made right. If you don’t know Him personally, please click here.)

Our future is created one moment at a time. We are given choices each and every day–we can choose our attitude, our responses, our reactions — and these small choices are what creates the person we will become.

I didn’t think so deeply back when I was writing that summer of 1988. I didn’t realize all of this. Now, looking back, I can see that the prayers of my parents and grandparents helped to keep me on the right track. So that’s my second point. Pray for your kids and grandkids. There is so much we don’t understand when we are young. And most of us don’t want to listen to anyone tell us about life. Let’s cover the young people we love with much prayer.

It was interesting to take a look back. And in some ways I’m jealous. Starting out in life sounds fun and exciting. But then I realize– I wouldn’t really want to go back and learn everything all over again. So, here I am, middle-aged and headed into the future. Still determined to become more like Jesus through the little choices I make every day. Failing daily, but always brushing myself off and starting over again!

How Do Two Sinners Affair-Proof a Marriage?

Leave a Comment / April 25, 2014 April 25, 2014

I am absolutely floored by the number of affairs that take place among Christian couples. For some reason, I have become privy to information I’d just rather not know in several instances. Past affairs and present affairs have made their way to my ears. My naivete in this area is pretty much gone. I am now aware that this problem is absolutely rampant in the church today. But it really isn’t talked about very much, is it?

Of course, as I have become aware of this, the first question that comes to mind is “What about my marriage?” How healthy is it, really? For, of course, when you see couples whom you assumed were very healthy struggling in this way, it can be extremely frightening.

And the thing is– my husband and I are both sinners. We struggle with being selfish and unkind and busy and thoughtless. So how do you keep a marriage of two sinners affair-proof?

As I have pondered this over the past several months, the following things came to mind as ways to keep our marriage on a healthy path–

1. Both husband and wife need to be solidly committed to God. This is priority number one. Committed to following Him with their whole heart. Committed to obeying His Word. When this is not in place, a multitude of problems arise.

2. Both husband and wife need to be, unconditionally, committed to one another. When marriage vows are disregarded and divorce is viewed as an option, suddenly the marriage seems less sacred and, therefore, more disposable.

3. Humility is key. I have been struck over and over again in my reading of the Old Testament this year just how important humility is before God. Pride wreaks great destruction, not only personally, but also relationally. It rears its ugly head in countless ways — an unforgiving heart, an unwillingness to apologize, an insatiable desire to always prove “I” am right, and a desire to always have my own way. When one party lacks humility, a relationship cannot function as a unified unit, but instead it is fractured. It may just be a crack in the foundation, but it weakens the relationship substantially.

4. No secrets. My husband and I developed this practice long ago. We do not keep secrets from one another. In fact, I tell others not to share anything with me that they want kept from my husband. He, in turn, shares with me what he learns at board meetings, business meetings, and in conversations. While we know others disagree with this and find it unnecessary, we have found that, instead of it weakening our relationship, it has kept us unified, has helped us find perspective outside of our own narrow view, and has strengthened us to face personal problems. Of course, this will not work if the other party is not trustworthy. No secrets is only possible if the other person knows how to keep their mouth closed around other people. You can not have a no secrets relationship with a gossip.

5. Make couple time a priority. You hear this often, I’m sure. Plan a weekly or monthly date. Get away for a weekend. Okay, so let’s be honest. This is NOT possible for many of us. We hardly have time to breathe, much less find time for a weekly or monthly date, so then we throw our hands up in despair and give up! DON’T DO THAT. Think outside the box. When we were in our busiest years raising kids, we found time by just sitting quietly in the evening talking about our days. We’d spend at least 30 minutes in the evening just talking to one another. It kept us glued together in the craziness of owning a business and raising kids. And, honestly, we still do this. It isn’t ever planned. It just happens. I may saunter over to our business office next door, where my husband is working overtime and we will just fall into easy conversation for awhile. We are still best friends after all these years and it is mostly because we have made time to continue to really know and understand one another.

6. Continue to show small kindnesses and express love, even when you do not feel like it, out of obedience to the Lord. Let’s face it, sometimes our feelings are just not in cooperation with what we know we should do. So we need to plow ahead, recognizing that sometimes feelings come later. We need to be 100% committed to doing what we know is right, no matter how we feel.

Aahhh, I read the list above and I know how we have failed in our marriage. But it seems as if you really have a heart to serve and submit to God in humility, He steps up and provides so much grace and mercy in this area. I know that writing this makes us even more susceptible to problems in our relationship, as Satan seems to like nothing better than to see a Christian look like a hypocrite. I can’t stand before you here and promise it will never happen to me because I really don’t know. What I do know is that God is faithful and whatever happens, He can turn it into something for His Glory.

To those of you who have been through (or are going through) an affair, my heart bleeds for you. I cannot imagine the pain and suffering you have endured (or continue to endure). I pray that God heals your marriage, but, most importantly, that He continues to draw you to Himself.

You may be married to a spouse who isn’t committed to the Lord at all. In these instances, we have to keep praying. God, in His grace and mercy, has the power to draw that person to Himself. Be the best marriage partner you can be (I Peter 3:3) and let the rest up to God.

Life is so complicated, isn’t it? It is not cut and dried and marriages go through stages. Some are like a pleasant ride in the country and some stages feel like we are traveling through a typhoon of grief, busyness, or difficulties. Let’s hang on through it all, so that we Christians can show that God really does make a difference in this area of marriage. He will work in and through us and we will bring honor and glory to His name by having a healthy marriage.

If you find this post encouraging and helpful, would you please share it? Thank you so much!

Setting Our Husbands Up for Failure

4 Comments / March 17, 2014 March 17, 2014

My husband and I were able to enjoy a nice getaway for a few days. We felt it was important after this really busy winter and before our normal “even busier” spring. And, while we enjoyed one another’s company, the hotel and the weather were not stuff that dreams are made of.

Let’s face it, many of us wives dream of romance. We want romantic hotels and upscale restaurants. We want sunshine and flowers and walks in the warm summer rain. We want the white horse and the deep stares into our eyes and the “happily ever after.” We want gallant knights who rescue us when we are in distress.

Instead we get normal guys who are often the cause of our distress, freezing temperatures with an even colder wind, and no horses at all. Happily ever after just doesn’t exist.

And yet we just keep trying to find it. Like somehow our lives can match the romance novel we just read or that movie we watched last week. Could that be a hint as to why we struggle so?

I believe it is. I believe we have been given a false picture of what true love and marriage are in many of the books we read and the movies we see. I believe this is especially true of the Christian romance novels that have flooded the market.

I made a choice many years ago to cut way back on these because I realized that I was setting my poor husband up for failure. He just couldn’t ever come close to the wonderful, selfless heroes I would read about and it would end up frustrating both of us. Oh, I didn’t long for anything specific, I was just filled with this vague sense of dissatisfaction about our marriage.

You know, we hear about the hopelessness we women feel in the face of this sexual, pornographic world. Photos are fixed and flaws covered up. We live in a world obsessed with physical beauty and we women feel we can never, ever measure up.

Have you thought about the fact that perhaps your husband feels the same way, because of what you choose to read or watch? Hopeless. Like he can never be good enough.

We have to be so careful. A chick flick is not wrong in and of itself, but when we base our hopes and dreams for our marriage relationship on it, it becomes a problem.

The truth can be hard to hear but here is what I have learned about marriage–

~Marriage is really, really hard.

~I am married to a sinner and so is my husband.

~During those hard times, you will have a desire to just leave. But you don’t because you made a commitment and you know the price would be way too high.

~There is no Hollywood, romance novel “happily ever after.”

~Each stage offers its own unique challenges and struggles.

~The work and the effort is so incredibly worth it.

As I grow older, I still have to catch myself sometimes. Are my expectations realistic? Or are they just the stuff that romance novels are made of? As hard as it is to believe, flowers and diamonds are never mentioned in the Bible. No, the Bible instead very simply commands husbands to love their wives (Ephesians 5:25, Colossians 3:19).

Are you loved?

Does your husband work hard to provide for the needs of you and your family?

Does he take care of you when you are sick?

Does he come home after a long day and play with the children?

Does he share his heart and world with you?

Does he offer to watch the children for an hour or two while you take a much-needed break with girlfriends?

Does he get up at night with the kids, help you vacuum in a pinch, or change the oil in your car?

This is love, my dear friend. This is selfless, genuine love.

Oh, how mixed up we become if we are not careful.

There is nothing wrong with romance. And, while it is probably a good addition to any relationship, in the end romance isn’t the core of any relationship. True love is about selflessness and sacrifice. If we have that in our husband, may we be thankful. It’s all about perspective. Perhaps “happily ever after” does exist, after all.

Parenting 101: What Does My Marriage Have To Do With It?

2 Comments / January 7, 2014 January 7, 2014

The little girl stared wide-eyed at her parents. The family was eating a dinner like any normal night. The mom had cooked a meal and when the dad had come home from work the family all took a seat at the table. But somewhere during the course of conversation that night, the mom and dad had started to argue. The argument had become quite heated and the little girl was scared. The big “D” word played over and over in her mind. She thought of some of her friends who lived with just their moms.

After dinner, she quietly left the table and hurried upstairs where she grabbed a small suitcase and started packing. She didn’t know what was going to happen but she knew she didn’t want to be around to watch it.

She didn’t get very far. Her parents found her and they all had a good talk.

That little girl was me. I do not remember much about my childhood but I do remember that evening. I was only a small girl — maybe six or seven. But seeing my mom and dad fight scared me to death. Thankfully, I was in a home where that was not a daily occurrence and when it was over, it was over. Genuine apologies were made and life moved on.

I tell you that story because I think it shows just a bit what our children think when we are struggling to get along as a couple. I can also remember when Eric and I went through a very difficult period for about a year early on in our marriage. No cause showed itself and eventually it just got better but, for whatever reason, we just couldn’t get along during that time. While we struggled, one of our children would get up every night with a bellyache. It wasn’t until later that we put two and two together and realized that the poor child’s fear of an impending divorce was showing up in her belly. Now, we knew we weren’t getting divorced– just as my parents knew they weren’t getting divorced when I heard them fighting– but she didn’t know that.

Can you see how critical it is that we make sure our kids know how much we love each other? That they understand that we will never, ever get divorced? But only if it’s true. Don’t lie to them. That will make things worse.

And, I might add here before moving on– I understand that some of you are married to uncooperative and ungodly spouses. I grieve with you over that. Keep praying. And may that motivate you to pray that your children would choose godly spouses as they grow up.

But for those of you who are married to a Christian spouse and really want a strong family with well-adjusted kids, be sure to keep your marriage a strong priority. I can think of three specific reasons–

1. It provides a security like no other for a child. The world can be in utter chaos, but if home is a safe and happy place, our children feel secure.

2. It provides consistency between mom and dad that is comforting and helpful to growing kids. Kids are smart and if they can play mom and dad against each other to get their own way, they will do it. Healthy marriages keep these games to a minimum.

3. It gives them a godly example of marriage to emulate in their own lives when that time comes. Children in homes with healthy marriages are much more likely to have their own healthy marriages. Whether we like it or not, most of us end up being just like our parents. We end up arguing like them, serving (or not serving) like them, going to church as often as them, and parenting like them. Oh, many of us make changes because we see the need, but our natural inclination is to be like our parents. With that in mind, it is important that we have a healthy marriage now so that our kids have a much better opportunity to have healthy homes of their own one day.

So, now that we understand how important it is, how do we go about doing that?

Most of us are familiar with the Ephesians 5:22-29 passage about a woman submitting to her husband and a man loving his wife. We women get very “up in arms” over that word submit. But should we? Of course, over the centuries, many misguided men have twisted that word to be synonymous with the word doormat. But is that what the Lord meant? I think not, given the exhortation for men to cherish their wives. Men who cherish their wives do not treat them like doormats.

Very simply, a healthy marriage consists of two people giving up their own selfish desires for the other person. Of course, as a believer, we should desire to think less of self in all relationships (Philippians 2:3-5), but this fruit of selflessness is never so sorely tried as in marriage. For in marriage, we cannot hide our selfish motives and unkind hearts. We can’t hide our sinful habits and our big mouths.

And, interestingly enough, I found out rather recently in my own marriage that when one of the marriage partners makes an effort in being kind and loving and unselfish instead of snappy and critical, oftentimes the other person will rise to meet them in that effort. And– just to be clear– it was my sweet husband who reminded me of what marriage can be by going above and beyond. His actions motivated me to meet him half-way in making our relationship so much healthier.

All marriages go through good times and difficult times. Meanwhile our kids are watching. And they sit back and wonder: Are they going to work it out or give up? Are they going to keep talking or ignore each other for days on end? Will they stay together or will they get divorced?

We need to live each marriage moment in light of being the husband or wife that God has called us to be. We need to be the same person at home that we are in public. We need to keep working and trying and giving up our rights and desires for the betterment of our spouse. And, while this is not easy to do as naturally selfish people, I try to remember when I’m frustrated that it’s really no picnic being married to me, either! Marriage is two imperfect people living together in an imperfect world. There are bound to be some rocky patches.

One final very important thing to remember is that love is not a feeling. Love is action. And when we choose to love by our actions, it is incredibly surprising and quite amazing how the feelings of love return. So choose to love and be amazed at God’s grace in this area. But I will warn you — this takes work. Work that is well worth it in the end, but it is work.

A healthy marriage is critical for a healthy family. That doesn’t mean there won’t be disagreements, but that we work through them in a way that honors our heavenly Father.

Thanks for reading! Hope you come back for the next post in this series which I’ve entitled Who’s the Boss? And if you liked this post, would you consider sharing it? Thank you! :)

Wednesday Wisdom: ‘Tis Wonderful To Me

Leave a Comment / November 27, 2013 November 27, 2013

On this day before Thanksgiving, I present a poem written by Amy Carmichael, one of the great heroes of the faith. Let’s contemplate our Heavenly Father’s amazing love for us this day and offer grateful hearts to Him.

Brooding Blue

Lord of the brooding blue

Of pleasant summer skies,

Lord of each little bird

That through the clear air flies

‘Tis wonderful to me

That I am loved by Thee

Lord of the blinding heat,

Of mighty wind and rain,

The city’s crowded street,

Desert and peopled plain,

‘Tis wonderful to me

That I am loved by Thee

Lord of night’s jeweled roof,

Day’s various tapestry,

Lord of the warp and woof,

Of all that yet shall be,

‘Tis wonderful to me

That I am loved by Thee

Lord of my merry cheers,

My grey that turns to gold,

And my most private tears

And comforts manifold,

‘Tis wonderful to me

That I am loved by Thee

Part 1: Casa de Pan

Leave a Comment / November 11, 2013 November 11, 2013

Our week in Costa Rica was almost over. It was Thursday afternoon and we had been to one private children’s home and two public children’s homes already. We were told this one was different. This was a real home owned by a couple who had adopted all 46 of the children living there. My mind tried to comprehend that, but it seemed to be beyond my scope of imagination. 46?!? I was to find out that it was actually many more.

After driving through city streets, seeing hundreds of homes behind iron bars, the bus pulled up to a beautiful, plant-covered wall. As we got out, we saw a big blue gate. As we walked towards the gate, we heard the laughter of children behind the wall and even a couple of dogs barking.

As the blue gate swung open and our team walked up the driveway, I smiled with delight. For here was a beautiful oasis in the city of San Jose. There was a big backyard and in the middle of it stood a huge tree. As we looked up, we saw an immense tree house tucked within its branches. Children of all ages and sizes played happily. The house, white with blue trim, looked warm and welcoming. Up on the roof and at the upstairs open windows were several teenagers watching us.

Our team was there to play with the children for a few hours. After a few minutes, I noticed that a few of the ladies were headed around back. They were headed to the outdoor dining room to use the tables. I hurried to join them. As we walked around the back of the house, I came upon an outdoor room that was obviously the laundry room. This large, long room was probably used daily, evidenced by the little onesies hanging on the line just outside the door and the mounds and mounds of laundry I could see over the wall.

We took a left and walked down a pathway to the outdoor kitchen, located on the right. To my left, I saw a shelf that reached to the ceiling, filled with little shoes. As we walked into the dining room and started coloring, we noticed a couple older teenagers, blonde and blue-eyed, who didn’t look Costa Rican. As I talked to one, I found out that this 17 year old girl from Austria was just finishing up a 3 month term as a volunteer here in the house known as Casa de Pan.

At one point, I went in search of a bathroom. I found one for our use, in the center of a new building that stood beside the house. The bathroom was finished (I can certainly understand why that would have been a priority), but there was an older gentleman working on finishing the rooms to either side. On my way there, I poked my head in the room and offered a smile and a “Buenas Dias”. The man smiled, offered a firm handshake, and told me his name was Victor. He then pointed to the little boy playing at his feet and told me with a smile that his name was Victor, as well. We talked for a few minutes, using his limited English, my limited Spanish, and a few hand motions, and then I left. At the time, I did not realize that Victor was the heroic head of this wonderful household.

After awhile, I headed to the backyard to join in the fun there. As I snapped a few photos, I drank in the loveliness of the place. Here were 46 children who would not get lost in the system. Here were 46 beautiful souls that had found home. And not just any home, but a home run by parents with faith in Jesus Christ. It was truly amazing. As I contemplated this couple, I will be painfully honest and let you know that I started to feel just a bit shallow in my “work” for the Lord. How much more I could give.

As I was looking around and thinking, my eye caught movement on the front porch. I saw my sister-in-law and my daughter following an older lady into the house, along with our Costa Rican leader and our American team leader. I hurried to catch up and joined the end of the line. This looked like it might be an opportunity to see a bit more of the inner workings of this incredible place.

Inside, we were taken to a beautiful large living room. Right inside the door was a girl of about twelve holding a three week old baby, swathed in a pink blanket. The girl offered her to my sister-in-law, who after a few minutes, graciously handed her to my baby-loving daughter. There the baby nestled in for a nap in the arms of my contented daughter for the duration of our time inside.

We were told to have a seat. Melba, a calm, kind, and comfortable-looking woman sat on a sofa with Raymond, our Costa Rican leader, us three women sat on another sofa, and Steve, our team leader, sat on a chair.

As Melba started to speak, I had no idea that this would be the most impactful and inspiring hour of my entire week. I will share Part 2 tomorrow.

The Tie That Binds

Leave a Comment / October 10, 2013 November 7, 2023

Have you ever had the following experience? You start talking with someone. It may be a complete stranger at the mall or in a restaurant. It could be your insurance agent or your professor. As you converse, you find out that they, too, follow Christ. As you talk further you realize that they– just like you– are passionate about their faith. Immediately you feel this amazing bond that is beyond any human comprehension. It is quite different than finding someone who comes from the same city or does the same job. It is an awareness that you are related in the Lord. It is a wonderful experience.

I remember this happening twenty years ago. My husband and I were going to one of those special all-inclusive honeymoon places in The Poconos (anyone else remember those? The Poconos was the place to go before the Caribbean became the place to go). We were celebrating our 5th anniversary and by that time had a couple of kids. We were excited to spend a weekend alone.

When we arrived, we found out that we had to share a table with another couple at our meals. We were a bit hesitant as we headed to the resort’s restaurant. Who would we be seated with? A loud, obnoxious couple who loved to drink? A quiet couple who made it difficult to converse? An old couple? A young couple? We were anticipating complete awkwardness (keep in mind that we were really just kids at the time and especially hated to be put out of our comfort zone).

Imagine our surprise when we arrived at the dining room and were seated with a police officer and his wife from Brooklyn, NY. We quickly surmised from their accents that they had probably been born outside America and found out a few minutes into our dinner that they had immigrated from Nigeria. That certainly gave us something to talk about. We were relieved. Our dinner partners were pleasant enough and we knew we would be fine.

But as we chatted with them, we eventually realized that we were related in the Lord. And, after that, all our supposed differences fell away. As other couples drank and danced the night away, we stayed at the table, talking about raising kids, church, and life in light of our common faith. We talked about the difference between Nigeria and Brooklyn. I especially remember his conversation about Nigerian jails. FYI: You really want to avoid going to a Nigerian jail (and it was his opinion that American jails should be a little more like them!) We talked about our cultures and homes. But all of our conversation was infused with the knowledge that, although we had different skin colors and came from completely different countries and backgrounds, we were one in Christ.

And the knowledge of that was so sweet.

You see, when we meet a fellow brother or sister in the Lord it doesn’t really matter what color they are or what background they come from or what they are wearing or how much money they have. It doesn’t even matter if you can speak the same language.

One of my favorite things about mission trips is when we will go to a national church. Hearing the familiar tunes being sung in a different language is a reminder that the bond we have in Christ is strong and very special. It reminds me of the old hymn–

Blest be the tie that binds
Our hearts in Christian love;
The fellowship of kindred minds
Is like to that above.

I didn’t really understand the words in this song when I was younger, but life has taught me about this Christian love that binds our hearts. Twenty years have passed since that time together around a table at a honeymoon resort in the mountains of Pennsylvania and yet I still clearly remember it. We thoroughly enjoyed their company and all four of us mused at how God had arranged for us to sit at the same table.

For true Christian love is a tie that binds us to our Christian brothers and sisters. And I thank the Lord for that.

Life with Almost Grown Birdies

2 Comments / September 12, 2013 September 12, 2013

We have a nest full of almost grown birdies in our home right now, with two young adult children almost ready to fly, a college student, and a 9th grader. While we enjoy their company and are glad to have them with us for right now, one of the greatest challenges we face is determining correct boundaries for these almost full-grown birdies.

I have seen parents that have completely eliminated rules and expectations after their kids have graduated high school. Usually this has not turned out very well.

I have also seen parents who have tried to micromanage the lives of their young adults. This, too, does not often turn out well.

But how do we find the balance in this area?

I have had a couple of different friends ask me about this recently. I thought I might take a few moments to let you know what we do in our home–not that this is the “perfect” formula– but we do have a good relationship with our young adult children (most days) and I thought I would share how we have managed to do that. (And don’t stop reading here if you have young children! The peace we enjoy now is because of some things we did when they were small, which I will talk about in this post, as well).

First, we have given them the control of their personal choices and decisions that are outside our home. They are now old enough to determine where they want to go, who they want to be with, and how to spend their money. It is important for them to experience the consequences of bad choices and the blessing of good choices. If we constantly monitor and rescue, they will experience neither.

Second, we continue to have good conversations and discussions about the things that matter– morals, standards, discernment, world view, budgets, time management. Our kids often ask us for advice and, while they don’t always follow it, they will generally give consideration to what we are saying. The only reason we can do the first thing is because of the second thing.

Third, we continue to hold standards and rules for our home that they must follow if they are going to live here. Some examples of this are, as a general rule, we do not allowed R-rated movies in our home, we do not allow music that is offensive to God to be played aloud, and we do not allow them to come in at all hours of the night. We ask them to be considerate of our preferences in these areas if they choose to live with us. However, we do make exceptions on occasion and, for example, as long as we know they are coming in at 2am and it isn’t happening every day, it is fine.

Fourth, we do not punish our twenty-somethings. We believe that the relationship has moved beyond that. We do not take their cars, their phones, their TV. I do not check up on their phones or their internet use. We can do this because we trust them. With that said, we do “fine” them on occasion!

Fifth: the couple thing. Both of our twenty-somethings are dating. When they first started dating as teenagers, we would really watch over them. We would not allow them in the basement or bedrooms alone and we kept a close eye on them when they were in our home –or driveway ;). It was our way of helping to protect them from themselves. But as they have grown older, we realize that their purity is a reflection of their relationship with God and that they are now accountable to Him, and we have relaxed in this area a bit. But again, we can do this because we trust them.

Sixth, we do require some simple chores to be done. For some reason, young adults feel that they “grow out” of chores, and yet the chores still remain and, in some cases, are enlarged, as the kids become adults. It is very important (in our opinion) to expect the young adult kids to help with chores around the house. It gives them some sense of what to expect in the future (although they truly do not really have a clue!) and also helps to lighten the loads of Mom and Dad a bit. A question some of you might have is what to do about rent. At this point, we do not charge our kids rent. I am still not really sure if this is in their best interest or not, but I see them saving their money and not spending it too unwisely so we feel that this is the best option to give them the best start in their lives. If we felt that they were wasting their money we would probably have to re-visit that.

What we are doing works for us. It works for us because of some really important things we did when our kids were younger. If you have younger kids, start this now, so that your young adults will be joys instead of headaches–

1. Listen. Listen. Listen. Kids of all ages have big questions. Listen to them and then find the answers. Yes, it takes work but it is worth it. Take the time for conversations of substance.

2. Teach your kids about the Lord. Take them to church. Help them hide His Word in their hearts. Make God the priority of your family instead of sports, education, or anything else. Enjoy all of these things, but don’t sacrifice God because of them.

3. Teach them to respect you as an authority, so that when it is time for God to be their final authority they have already developed a spirit of submission and obedience.

4. Make boundaries that are driven by scripture, not by man made traditions. Explain why the boundaries are there and don’t budge if you have scripture as your basis.

5. Be a person they can relate to. It is so important to be humble and admit mistakes. It is so important to be fun and to laugh with your kids. It is so important to show your fear, your sadness, and your joy with them. Only when they realize that you are a fallible human being, just like them, will they be able to open up their hearts to you.

6. Love unconditionally. Let your kids know that there is absolutely nothing they could do that would stop you from loving them.

7. Pray. Alot. I almost always end my parenting posts with this thought. I cannot express just how important I believe this is. Pray for their spiritual welfare. God wants them to know Him. We need to pray for the hearts of our children every day.

Whew. This post covered a lot. That wasn’t my original intention. Hope I didn’t overwhelm you!

Our kids are still growing up and are still making mistakes — kind of like their parents. And as I write this, I don’t want you to think we have it all together — because we so don’t. God’s grace has covered SO much. But if we give our best efforts and make choices with a desire to please Him, we have found that He meets us half-way (or is it a quarter of the way??) and takes it from there. God is good. When we choose to honor Him with our lives and with the way we raise our families, He will guide and sustain us.

Are there some exceptions to this pattern? I know there are and it must be heart-breaking. I do not point fingers of judgment at any who have lost children to the world. Young adults make their own choices. We, as parents, can only do so much. We need to keep loving and praying. Never stop loving and never stop praying. We can pray with confidence because we know that God wants our children to be saved.

May God bless you as you raise your children to love and serve Him!

Wednesday Wisdom: By Our Love

Leave a Comment / September 4, 2013 September 4, 2013

Sometimes in our quest to stand for the truth, we can find it difficult to love others. We can’t understand why they don’t see things as we do and we get a little ruffled–or sometimes downright rude–when they don’t stand with us for biblical Truth. And so, in our grand efforts to stand for Jesus Christ, we defeat our purpose by lacking love in the process.

Jesus Christ is both Truth AND Love. We cannot present one without the other. They are like two sides of a coin and cannot be separated when we present the Gospel. They cannot be separated when we stand for biblical Truth.

I heard the song below in church on Sunday and the lyrics really made me think. So often we think that loving our fellow man means giving them the necessities of life to help them in their poverty-stricken state– and this is one way to love. But, perhaps, sometimes we need to bring it a little closer to home and think about how we are showing love with our words, our tone, and our attitudes, right here and right now. If we can’t show love in our own homes and churches, it is a little ridiculous to think we will be able to do so on a mission trip in a foreign land.

And so this song made me contemplate my own words and attitudes. Am I showing love in my passion for Biblical Truth? If not, then I am just like a clanging cymbal (I Corinthians 13:1) It is probably a good reminder for us all.

BY OUR LOVE (by Christy Nockels)

Brothers, let us come together
Walking in the Spirit, there’s much to be done…
We will come reaching, out from our comforts
And they will know us by our love…

Sisters, we were made for kindness
We can pierce the darkness as He shines through us…
We will come reaching, with a song of healing…
And they will know us by our love!

The time is now
Come Church arise…
Love with His hands
See with His eyes…
Bind it around you,
Let it never leave you,
And they will know us by our love…

Children, You are hope for justice,
Stand firm in the Truth now, set your hearts above
You will be reaching, long after we’re gone,
And they will know you by your love!

Find a beautiful youtube video of this song here.