Marriage – Page 9 – Growing 4 Life

Java Joe’s and the Death of a Dream

2 Comments / June 25, 2012 March 19, 2017

There is an old brick house we pass each year on the way to the beach. One year I saw that this house had become Java Joe’s, an adorable little coffee house. It looked like a great place to enjoy a cup of coffee with a friend and I wished I live closer. But then I noticed a year or two later that Java Joe’s looked deserted. I wondered why it looked closed on a weekday. It seemed so odd. And then last week, on our way to the beach, we passed it again and saw that the building is for sale. Sadly, I realized that the cute little coffee shop is no longer in existence.

My thoughts turned towards the owner who first dreamed of opening a coffee shop someday. I imagined how he must have found the proper piece of real estate to make his dream come true. He probably excitedly prepared plans to turn the old house into a coffee shop and was filled with anticipation as opening day approached. I wondered if the first few months were all he hoped or if it seemed destined for failure from the beginning? This owner had a dream and he went for it! But the dream died the day Java Joe’s closed permanently. Perhaps the owner moved on to bigger and better dreams or maybe he gave up and still bares the scars of his dead dream. I don’t really have any way of knowing.

But I guess all of us have had to say good-bye to dreams at one time or another. They are hard, hard moments. Perhaps it is a wayward child entrapped in a life of abuse. Or a failed business that we poured our heart and soul into. Maybe we have never found Mr. or Miss Right and we have had to say good-bye to our dreams of marriage and family. For some of us, our children will never know their grandparents due to an untimely death. For others of us, we are finding it impossible to have a family at all because of infertility issues or the children we do have are handicapped in some way and their future isn’t what we longed for for our child. Perhaps we suffer with a chronic illness and have had to realize we can’t do what we had always dreamed of. And many have said good-bye to their fairy tale dreams of the perfect marriage while they flounder in the real world of being married to a sinner. So many dream deaths. So many tears. So much sadness. If you have lived on this fallen earth then you have had to say goodbye to a dream.

How do we handle the death of our dreams–especially the ones that we hold so near and dear to our heart? Oftentimes, the disappointment and lingering ramifications are invisible to others, making it even harder to work through it all. Most of us don’t share our deepest innermost feelings with the world and so we bare the pain and grief all alone. We are filled with a desire to shout out–

I am in mourning here! Why don’t you care?!?

But the world just keeps going on, business as usual. It doesn’t care. No one cares.

That is the lie we tell ourselves.

But is it true?

Eventually, if we are believers, we understand that it’s not true. That the God of the universe loves and cares for us (Psalm 55:22; I Peter 5:7). We remember that He is Sovereign and All-Powerful. We submit to His will and we make a purposeful choice to have a good attitude, asking Jesus to shine brightly through us, even through life’s disappointments. We choose to grow stronger, instead of bitter, when we have to say farewell to a precious dream.

Is it easy? Absolutely not.

Is it instant? No way.

But it is possible.

It is all a process of submission and leaning on the Lord for strength. We seldom remain unchanged when working through the death of a dream. The question to ask ourselves is this:

Will I become more like Christ or will I cave in to my bitter, hopeless feelings?

Paul tells us that all is loss, when compared to knowing Christ. I can’t honestly say that I feel that way all of the time but my goal is to grow to that place where I can say along with Paul:

Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ (Philippians 3:8).

And so we remember, once again, that we are a tiny speck on the timeline of the universe. Smaller than a speck of dust. And we remember that God is God. He can see the whole timeline. And so we move forward, knowing that God is with us–even through the death of our dreams.

Choosing our path…and then living with our choice

2 Comments / June 11, 2012 February 2, 2016

The other day I was taking a walk on a beautiful day. As I listened to my head phones, my dog was excitedly exploring from the end of her leash. It didn’t take me long to realize that my athletic sandals were not the thing to wear on a path filled with little stones. I would walk a few feet and a little stone would fly into my shoe, right under my heel. I would try to walk a bit, then I would sigh and stop to remove it. This played itself out several times over the course of my walk. The walk wasn’t as delightful as it could have been because of the shoes I had worn on the path of my choice. How could I have kept this from happening? It is quite simple : I could have chosen a) to walk a different path or b) to wear different shoes.

I think this may be something like marriage. To begin with, some of us get on a path we really shouldn’t be on. We choose to marry a person who isn’t a Christian. Oh, we may have thought they were a believer, but it turns out, they aren’t so sold out for Jesus, after all. We all have the opportunity to inspect our future path. If I marry this person, what will my life’s path look like? Will it be smooth, with just occasionally stony areas? Or will the whole terrain be filled with huge rocks that will feel impossible to get around? How do we know, you ask? Our pastor recently gave us four basic things to look for in a potential spouse.

1. The person needs to be saved. This isn’t just with their lips, but showing forth in their life’s choices, as well. (2 Corinthians 6:14)

2. The person needs to be spiritual. They should thirst for God’s Word and think on spiritual things. (Proverbs 12:7)

3. The person should show biblical love. Biblical love is selfless, kind, and forgiving. It is not self-seeking or rude. A good test to know if your future mate practices biblical love is to watch how they treat their parents or the waitress in a restaurant. (I Corinthians 13)

4. The person should show godly character. Lying, cheating, anger, greediness, drinking, laziness, nagging, immodesty, immorality are all red flags showing there will be some pretty big rocks ahead of you. On the other hand, self-control, joy, kindness, and generosity signal good things ahead. And just a note here…of course, no one is perfect. What if you find a great guy or girl that struggles with a sin issue like anger or laziness–does that totally discount them? Not necessarily. But ask these questions: Do they want to change? Do they admit that it is sin? Are they teachable? And we do need to realize that there will be stones in our path ahead because of these character issues. (Titus 2:1-8 and Galatians 5:16-23)

So this is all well and good for those of you who haven’t gotten married yet. But what about those of us who chose our path long ago? It is too late for us to take all of this into consideration now. We have committed to this path and the Bible tells us to stay on it (which is quite opposed to what our culture tells us, by the way). So if we find ourselves already on a path that is a bit stony, it is time to take a look at our footwear.

Just like wearing the appropriate footwear can keep us protected on a stony path in real life, so we can be appropriately attired for our rocky marriage path. Here are a few ways that will clothe us properly and help our marriages, no matter what kind of path we find ourselves on:

1) Dedicate some time to our inward beauty. Many of us do not think twice to spend money on our hair, our nails, or to go to the gym. We spend hours shopping for just the right clothing and preparing our hair. But how much time do we spend fixing up our “inside”? Are we putting into practice what we hear the preacher say at church? Are we reading books that help us to grow spiritually? Are we listening to podcasts that challenge and convict us in our walk with Jesus? (I Peter 3)

2) Focus on our own need for change. This one is really important. Most of us try to change our husbands. We do this in a variety of ways, including nagging and cold shoulders. But I ask you: has any method to change your husband ever been effective? In my case, the answer is no. I have been very convicted of this, as of late. I have to worry about me. Are my responses and reactions godly? Am I being the wife I should be? Do I need to change? If I am honest, my response to that question has to be a resounding YES, I do need to change. I have much growing to do. And so I continue to be challenged to work on me and pray about the areas in which I think my husband should change. I serve a great God…I can trust Him to work in my husband’s life. And He will! He is faithful! I have personally experienced this many times. It is sad that I so easily forget! (Proverbs 21:9)

3) We need to submit to our husband’s leadership. This isn’t popular or easy to do. But God tells us this in several different passages, so it must be important. Each home has different challenges in this area. Some homes have a man who willingly gives up his leadership to his wife. But that is not God’s plan, so we need to turn that around. Other homes are filled with fireworks, because the husband and the wife both tend to be very opinionated and vocal. But when push comes to shove, the husband should make the final decision. It isn’t always easy for the wife but this is the way clearly commanded in scripture. And then there are other homes where the husband is a natural leader and the woman a born follower and she has a difficult time giving any opinion. Wherever we find ourselves in this scenario, it is very clear from scripture where we should be. We have a responsibility, as wives, to do our part in this area. (Ephesians 5:22-32)

Marriage is tough, isn’t it? No matter how wisely we choose our spouse, we will all have some stony areas, and even big rocks, to navigate around. First and foremost, we need to use great wisdom in choosing our path. My very wise husband often tells our children that their choice of spouse will either make for a wonderful life or a very difficult life. They get to choose.

But after that is all behind us – and, for most of us, it is – we need to appropriately attire ourselves so that we are pleasing the Lord and making our marriage the very best it can be!

Facing the Music

Leave a Comment / May 31, 2012 May 31, 2012

A few months ago we were forced to get a new washer. I actually was fine with that, as I had hated my front loader from the day we got it. When I went shopping for a new washer I knew I wanted a top loader. I found a great washer but what they didn’t tell me in the store is that when the load is finished, I get to hear a little song. Not a buzzer or a bell, but a sweet (and rather annoying) little song.

The pleasant tune will play faithfully, not minding what I am doing–I can be in the middle of baking bread or writing or cleaning a closet. If the washer cycle is through, I will hear that song. And if I am going to have clean, fresh-smelling laundry I need to go to my washer as soon as I hear that song. Sometimes I am busy and I forget. Sometimes I am lazy and I think I will do it later and then forget. Or sometimes I am not home. But if I don’t “face the music”, the next time I go to my washer, I will have a musty smell coming from my washer and end up having to wash the same load all over again (have you ever done that or is it just me??)

Sounds a little bit like life, doesn’t it? Sometimes we hear an annoying little song in our relationships. They are warning signs we shouldn’t ignore, perhaps a husband who won’t talk to his wife, a wife who doesn’t like to spend time at home, a child that throws tantrums on a regular basis, a teen that hangs with the wrong friends, just to name a few. These signs signal us that there is a problem that we need to take care of. But we are often too busy or too lazy to worry about it. Or perhaps we have already checked out of the relationship and find ourselves indifferent (this is especially true in marriages and friendships).

Of course, oftentimes, we just aren’t sure what to do so we do nothing. I know exactly what to do when I hear the little song in my washer. I go to the washer and I move the wet laundry from the washer to the dryer. But relationships aren’t always so cut and dried, are they?

But one thing that is for sure: that annoying song probably won’t go away on its own. And it will probably get louder. Every divorce started with small steps in the wrong direction. Most rebellious teens showed signs years before the rebellion occurred. Most friendships showed signs of wear before a break was completely made.

Just like my washer cannot be ignored, neither can our relationships. We have a responsibility to do all we can to mend broken relationships. We need to look at ourselves – how do I need to change? We need to do all we can personally do to fix the problem. And all the while, we need to be committing it to prayer on a regular basis. It can be a painful, torturous process, but the reward is so worth it!

Let’s take necessary steps to do what we can to heal the problems we see in our relationships. Sure, we are only ever half of the equation. But we are half! Have a blessed day as you face the music in your life!

2 Thessalonians 3:13 But as for you, brethren, do not grow weary in doing good.

Are you really saved?

8 Comments / May 24, 2012 July 24, 2023

I have a great fear that in this day and age of “easy-believism” there is a trend to blindly consider ourselves saved and then to continue living our sinful, selfish, and worldly lives without ever changing at all. But if our life has not been transformed or changed in any way are we even really a believer? The testimony found below would indicate that we probably are not saved if this is the case. Spiritual growth happens at different paces and in a multitude of ways– but it always happens in the lives of those that are saved.

Last week a college friend e-mailed me to say “hello”. I hadn’t heard from him personally for some time, but my brother (a good friend of his) had shared his amazing testimony with me a few years ago. This young man had grown up in Christian family and spent all of his life attending church. He attended Christian school and even a Christian college. He was a “good” guy. He thought he was saved but then the Lord, in His amazing grace and mercy, showed Him that he was not. I asked him if I may share his story with you. He kindly said, “yes” and e-mailed me this:

I professed to be a Christian at the age of six years old. My parents had been taking me to church since I was born, and continued taking me as long as I was under their roof. My parents sacrificed to send me to the Christian schools all but three years of my elementary and high school education. I attended two years at Grace College. When I applied at Grace, I was asked if I was a Christian. I assured them I was. I went on a short term mission trip with 59 other high school age kids when I was 17. Again, one of the questions to get on this mission team was if I was a Christian. I assured them I was. I met a wonderful young woman at Grace. When I went to pick her up for the first time at her house, her father grilled me in concern for his daughter. The first question he asked me is if I was a Christian. I assured him I was. Before this young lady went out with me for the second time she asked me if I was a Christian. I assured her I was. After being married for a while she continued to ask me at various intervals if I really was a Christian. Time after time I assured her I was. There were many times during my life that I asked myself that same question: was I a Christian? I assured myself I was. After all, I grew up in the church. I walked up the aisle at church and said that I wanted to ask Jesus into my heart. I was baptized, twice. At each and every step in my life my spiritual state was questioned and I always answered the same: “Of course I am!”

I mentioned that my wife repeatedly asked me if I was a Christian after we were married. She did this because she saw things in my life that seemed contrary to what a Christian is. The biggest thing she saw in my life was apathy towards God. When I sat down in church, as soon as the singing was over I settled down for a nap. I never read the Bible on my own. She never saw me praying. Most of my actions and behavior growing up and after marriage screamed that I was unsaved. In thirty-three years of claiming to be a Christian there was absolutely no growth, no good fruit. How could this be? How could someone claiming to be a Christian for over thirty years have nothing to show for it?

I want to tell you today that the reason there was no good fruit in my life and the reason I was totally apathetic and bored with Biblical things was because I was not a Christian. The knowledge of who Jesus Christ was never made it to my heart. I knew many things about Him. I wanted Him as my Savior, to keep me out of hell. I wanted all the benefits of being a Christian. But I refused to put Jesus as the Lord of my life. I did not serve Him. I did not love Him. I loved myself. I served my sinful desires. Matthew 6:24 says, “No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.” Matthew 7:18-23 is a passage that really wakes a person up. It says, “A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus by their fruit you will recognize them. Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord’, will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophecy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me you evildoers!’

I was a bad tree because I bore no good fruit. Every aspect of my life was bad fruit. But just a few short years ago, when things were getting really bad in my life, I realized that all my fruit was bad because I was not saved. At that moment I turned my life over to Jesus, asked Him to forgive all those years I did things in His name, but in actuality was an evil doer. I asked Him to heal my broken life and help me to love Him with all my heart, mind, strength, and soul. The apathy left me immediately. From that moment on I have loved reading, hearing, and talking about my Savior. Making Jesus my Lord meant that everything I did was with Him in mind. See, I had always believed the basics of the Bible, but we are told that even demons believe, and tremble. All those years, though I believed what the Bible said, I had been a slave to my sinful self, a slave to sin, but now I am a slave to my Savior Jesus Christ. So now I can truly call Him my Savior and Lord.

You see, being a Christian is not just growing up in the church, being good most of the time, doing things in the name of Christianity, and even believing what the Bible says. It is a personal relationship with Jesus. It is loving His name. It is serving Him. And it is longing to be with Him. For years I had a list of things that I wanted to do before going to heaven. But now there is nothing in this world that I desire more than to be with Jesus for all eternity.

I want to thank my friend, Trent, for allowing me to share his testimony with you. He became saved over five years ago now and his thirst for God increases each day. His whole life has changed because he is now truly born again!

Do you yearn to know God more? Are you growing in your knowledge of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ? Do you love the things He loves and hates the things He hates? Are you serving God or are you serving yourself? This is a great day to take an honest look at yourself. Are you really saved?

Getting Dropped

2 Comments / April 30, 2012 April 30, 2012

I read through the letter in my hand. Disbelief was first. Then came anger. And, finally, resignation. After all, what could we do? What I was looking at was a letter from the auto insurance company we had been with for over 20 years. I held a letter stating that they were dropping our family due to two cars being totaled within two years. Really? These were the first big accidents that had occurred in our family in all of those years. Apparently that doesn’t matter in the auto insurance world.

And, suddenly, we were on the hunt for a new auto insurance company, which wasn’t going to be easy given that we were just “dropped” by our former company. I called a couple of different agents and they started running the numbers. It wasn’t looking great. Finally, I got a call with a pretty decent number. The estimate was e-mailed and as I went over it my eyes slid to the words “6 month policy”. Oh, great. No wonder the number was decent – it was only for 6 months. So that meant the quoted number was multiplied times two for what looked like a pretty outrageous yearly rate.

Frustration set in. It just didn’t seem fair. In fact, when the agent called me about setting up the policy I started complaining about how unfair life is in the insurance world. She kindly said she understood and the conversation continued on like that for a moment.

And then, all of a sudden, I stopped. It dawned on me that we are all still alive after two serious accidents. It really was amazing that we walked away without injuries or even death. And then I thought of something else to be thankful for: we can afford to pay the new policy. Oh, we don’t like it and it is annoying…but we can afford it. I was ashamed. I was complaining when I should have been thanking the Lord, once again, for sparing my family in not one, but two, accidents. I should have been thanking the Lord that we were not making a choice between driving and eating.

Oftentimes the irritations we face in life are such small trials in the scope of life. They are inconvenient and annoying. We view them as major trials because they take us out of our comfort zones and force us to go a different direction than we wanted to go. Meanwhile, all around us, are people who are going through what I would call real trials – a loved one with cancer, a birth defect that changes everything, or the loss of a job and questions about survival, just to name a few.

James 1:2 tells us to count it all joy when you fall into various trials. We all face various trials – some are very small and some are very large. But through it all, it is very important to keep perspective and a thankful heart. Many of the small trials grow very dim in the light of the many blessings we have.

And so our family is paying an exorbitant amount for auto insurance this year. But we are all alive and it won’t keep us from eating so I am thankful!

Pushing Too Hard

4 Comments / April 26, 2012 April 26, 2012

A few evenings ago I found myself grating soap for a project*. Three bars of Fels-Naptha soap had to be grated into a bucket for this project to be completed. And so I unwrapped the first bar and started grating. I pushed really hard on the grater and could feel its plastic frame bending beneath the pressure. My arm grew tired and I started wondering what I had gotten myself into. When I had only a little bit of that first bar left, it hit me. Pushing the soap onto the grater so strongly may be hindering this process…not helping. And so with the next bar, I decided to let the grater do the work. Instead of pushing, I simply guided the soap. The last two bars went so much more smoothly than that first one and were half the work. And I realized that had I kept pushing so hard, I would have probably broken my grater and came away from the project with a very sore arm.

And I wondered…could this be similar to how it works with someone we love? Specifically, I was thinking of my husband and older children. When I see something in their lives that just isn’t honoring the Lord, do I tend to push (nag, complain, punish, constantly bring it up)?

Of course, there are situations where we have to push. But, more often than not, in my own personal experience, pushing leads to broken relationships and a very tired “pusher”. Could it be that guiding and praying is a better way to deal with some situations?

I can think of several issues over the years where this has been true, but most recently, a specific issue comes to mind. A few years ago I became very concerned about a pattern I was seeing in the life of one of my children. This child was drinking multiple sodas every day and eating a ton of candy. They were old enough to make their own decisions and spent enough time outside our home that I could not control what they were putting into their body. I grew worried about the long-term ramifications of this pattern and so I started pushing. “You shouldn’t be drinking this.” “You shouldn’t be eating that.” I was mostly ignored. “I’ve got to die from something, Mom,” they would say. After awhile, I realized that my words weren’t helping and I backed off and started praying.

That was probably a year ago now. A few months ago, this child started making changes in their eating patterns. Awareness had dawned and changes were following. Only a few weeks ago, this same child came to me one morning and shared their serious intention to start curbing their sugar intake. Their choices since then shows that they meant what they said that day. Wow. Really? Thank you, Lord! You can change my child without my constant pushing and nagging!

Parenting is tough. Marriage is tough. But perhaps sometimes we make it so much harder when we try to push and pull and be the ones to bring about change in the lives of the ones we love instead of leaving it up to God?

And that is what I learned from grating a few bars of soap.

*In case you are curious, the project was making my own powdered detergent for my HE washer. I found the recipe on Pinterest and thought I would give it a try. I have used it for several loads already and so far, so good!

Marilla’s Crust

Leave a Comment / March 8, 2012 March 8, 2012

This summer we are planning a trip to Prince Edward Island. The movie, “Anne of Green Gables” and its sequels have long been a favorite in this home (well, at least among its female members). But I had never read the books. So I decided if we are going the whole way to P.E.I. I should at least read the first one. It was delightful reading, full of realistic, stirring characters and lovely descriptions of the landscape–a perfect escape for dreary winter hours. But I digress!

Last night, upon finishing the first of the series, Anne of Green Gables, I couldn’t help but think of the character of Marilla. Marilla was a spinster who, along with her brother Matthew, brought an eleven year old orphan girl into her home to raise. She had never been taught to share her feelings and found it difficult to praise Anne, even when Anne had accomplished something remarkable. Marilla, in effect, had a crust around her heart. And, yet, the author made it clear just how very much Marilla loved Anne and showed the conflict that Marilla felt within herself in those moments where something positive should have been said.

It gave me great insight into the characters we run into every day. Just a few weeks ago, I was quite pleased with something I had accomplished and someone, off-handedly, made me feel like they thought it was silly and unimportant. Marilla’s character helped me understand this in a new way.

You see, I am not sure we always say what we feel. Some of us just spout off words without thinking how they sound. And some of us, never having seen an example of giving encouragement and praise, find it extremely difficult to say nice things. Some of us, when we are overcome with emotion, say things that may even sound brusque or harsh. But we love deeply, just the same.

And I guess Marilla’s crusty exterior teaches us two things–

1) Our relationships with others must overflow with grace. We should never give up on anyone. Oftentimes, we do not know the circumstances or relationships that formed who they are today. People always do things for a reason. Life is too short to be holding grudges, anyway. Let’s strive to love others like Jesus loves them, no matter what they have said to us. Grace — what a wonderful word.

2) It makes me examine my personal use of language. Before speaking, let’s ask ourselves: Is this a necessary thing to say? Will it add or take away a block to the wall between us? Are these words going to edify this person or tear them down? (Ephesians 4:29) Scripture makes it quite clear that even when we need to confront someone about sin, it is to be done in Christian love. There is never room for harsh, unkind words. And yet some of us use them almost every day. May we strive to encourage others with our words, and, when necessary, may we wrap confrontation with loving kindness.

I am so glad I picked up Anne of Green Gables, by Lucy Maud Montgomery. It is a beautiful story full of life lessons. I highly recommend it!

The S Word

7 Comments / February 27, 2012 February 27, 2012

If you are a Christian woman, you are very familiar with this word. You may have chosen to ignore it, you may refuse to do it, or you may struggle with it every day of your life. I am referring to the word submission. This is one of the hardest words for Christian women to come to terms with…or is it just me?

I do not even feel qualified to write about this. This is a constant struggle for me. But I guess if I only wrote about the things in life I have perfected, I would never write anything!

Whether we like it or not, the concept of a wife submitting to her husband is biblical (Ephesians 5 and Colossians 3). If you are a woman with leadership skills and a strong personality this directive is especially challenging.

Many of us are women who naturally take charge. We don’t mean to portray anything negative or unkind. Lots of times we don’t even realize we are taking control from our husbands. We are often so busy organizing and controlling our children that we just start trying to do the same with our husbands.

In our home, this leads to some fireworks! Thankfully, my husband isn’t going to tolerate me taking over his role as leader and so we have had to deal with this word on a frequent basis. I have truly had to give some contemplation to this word and what it means for me and my role in my marriage.

The other day while I was reading Galatians 3:28, which is the verse about how we are all one in Christ Jesus, my eyes slid down to the MacArthur notes at the bottom. And something caught my eye. It was about submission:

Nor is this spiritual equality incompatible with the God-ordained roles of headship and submission in the church, society, and at home. Jesus Christ, though fully equal with the Father, assumed a submissive role during his incarnation.

I don’t know why, but I had never thought of that before. And I realized that Jesus is our perfect model for submission. On the night before his crucifixion, when He prayed “Not My will, but Yours, be done,” He was submitting to the Father, someone who was His equal.

I think perhaps that is where I get messed up. In our culture, submission means inferiority. The lesser person submits to the powerful, greater person. But when the Bible talks about submission it is never about the issue of inferiority. It is hard for us to work through that, isn’t it? Submission feels like inferiority. But if we are practicing biblical submission and our husbands are practicing biblical love, then we are experiencing God’s perfect design for marriage. And it is good.

On this day, we all find ourselves in different places. You may be like me and have lots of fireworks in your home as you work through this issue. You may have this down because you are naturally a follower. You may be struggling because you have a husband who refuses to lead. Or you may have a husband who is unloving and unkind in his leadership. But, somehow or other, we Christian women all need to deal with this word. What a comfort to see Jesus’ example of this as He went to the cross to die for us.

May we be women who never give up trying to grow in this area of our lives, no matter how our husbands choose to play their role as leader. And by growing, may we set a good example for our daughters and the young girls who are watching us.

10 Thoughts on Building a Healthy Marriage

Leave a Comment / February 13, 2012 May 31, 2015

It seems only appropriate to talk about marriage as we approach Valentine’s Day. What exactly defines a good marriage? How do a man and a woman not only stay together but actually stay best friends for life? I have a few ideas gleaned from my own 25 years of marriage to my husband, Eric. We have also had the blessing of observing the marriages of both sets of parents and other Christian couples who have set such wonderful examples. Some of the suggestions I have listed here are still very much in progress in our marriage, so please don’t think we have it all together! Here are a few thoughts on the topic of marriage, in no particular order:

1. Have common goals. It is so very hard to be best friends with someone who has totally different goals than you do. Whether it is how to handle finances or where to live or how to raise the kids, it is important that we be unified in most areas. If we cannot come to an agreement about some issue, it is important to come to some kind of compromise, so that we can live in harmony before the children. Of course, Biblical Truth cannot be compromised, but, if we are honest, we will admit that most of our arguments are based on our own selfish desires and have nothing to do with Biblical Truth. Nothing is more disruptive to a marriage than two people going two different directions.

2. A willingness on both parts to admit wrongdoing. This is so very basic– and so very necessary. Just this week, in separate incidents, both my husband and myself had to admit ways in which we messed up. Instead of sweeping them under the carpet, we thought about the sin we had committed and then apologized. I have to honestly admit that this is very difficult for me. My personality is such that I have a really difficult time doing this and it will often take me a few hours or even a few days until the Holy Spirit has convicted me to humble myself and admit my wrongdoing.

3. A willingness for both spouses to forgive and extend grace. Sometimes our spouse isn’t even aware that they hurt us. We need to forgive each other always. If we don’t, then eventually a volcano of bitterness, hurt, and anger will spill over. Some offenses are much easier to forgive than others. But, according to Scripture (Matthew 18:21-22) we are required to forgive each other–again and again. Grace, mercy, and forgiveness go a very long way in preserving a marriage.

4. Don’t allow our expectations to control our responses and reactions. We expect our husbands to read our minds. We expect our wives to have a clean house and hot meal waiting at home, regardless of her day. We expect our husbands to romance us. We expect our wives to understand our need for solitude. And when our spouses do not understand these things, we are offended. But, perhaps, instead of growing hurt and offended and angry, we should communicate our expectations and then determine what is realistically possible? I know when I was homeschooling, my husband had an expectation that I would keep a clean house. This caused a temporary rift in our marriage because I found this to be almost impossible. My husband had an expectation and I was having a very hard time meeting it. Most of us have some unrealistic expectations for our spouse that, if we are not careful, can build a wall between us. Years later, I now feel like it is a realistic expectation for me to keep the house tidy–at least for the few hours the kids are at school!

5. Appreciate each other. Sure, all of us have plenty to complain about, but we all have lots to be thankful for, too. And we need to make sure that appreciation moves beyond just our thoughts and to our mouths. We need to tell our spouse how much we appreciate them generally and specifically. We need to share with our children how much we appreciate their dad or mom. And we should talk positively about our husband or wife when we are in public.

6. Give God first place in our lives. I feel like this is so fundamental that it hardly needs to be said. However, so many of us forget the importance of this in our busy lives. I just heard John Piper say in one of his sermons that he has always encouraged his children to read their Bible in the morning – even before breakfast. In fact, if there is no Bible, there should be no breakfast…the implication being that it is more important to eat spiritual food than physical food. If we are in the Word and confessing and praying and continually examining ourselves, we will be a much easier person to be married to. If our spouse is doing the same thing, it will be doubly helpful to the marriage. The Lord blesses those who live in obedience to Him.

7. Keep our marriage in second place. Not the kids. Not the job. Not the shopping or the sports or the church. We have a responsibility to keep the needs of our spouse of primary importance. I have really struggled with this and continue to struggle with this. Through the years I have found myself in a place where I would meet the many needs of my four children and let my husband fend for himself. I still find myself doing this, as my husband would loudly confirm were he given the opportunity. But we all– whether we are husbands or wives–need to be thinking about our spouse’s needs. We need to be serving them, loving them, and keeping them a priority in our lives.

8. Surprise each other now and again. Okay, so maybe this isn’t as profound or deep as you were expecting but I can honestly say that some of the best times in my life have been when my husband has surprised me. Taken me outside of the ordinary. We live so many of our days in the ordinary that somehow it is so romantic and fun to do something or to receive something unexpected. Last week, Eric walked in the door with a beautiful magenta orchid in his hand. Just because. It wasn’t a holiday or a special occasion. I love those moments! It is fun and healthy for us to break up the commonplace once in awhile with a surprise.

9. Stick with God’s pattern for how a husband and wife are supposed to work together. Women, whether we like it or not, God has set the husband up to be the Spiritual leader. We are to submit to and respect our husbands. Men, whether you want to or not, you are called to be the spiritual leader in your home. You are held responsible before God to love and protect your wife and family and to guide them with Biblical wisdom. This is a responsibility that I see so many women taking by default and many Christian families are affected negatively because of it. God’s design is always perfect. We may not like it, but it is right there in Scripture (Ephesians 5:22-25).

10. No secrets! I can’t think of one on this list that is more important than this. Be honest with each other. In our marriage, we have made the decision to keep our computers, our phones, and any financial accounts open and available to be seen at any time. We talk honestly about our feelings on almost all topics. When communication is not going on, it is the beginning of misunderstandings, bitterness, and fear. Suspicion and distance and walls grow out of keeping secrets. But light shines on a relationship that makes honesty a priority.

All marriages go through ups and downs. We all hit rough times that we just need to toil our way through. But we can never give up. And one final thought – PRAY for your husband or wife. Pray for your marriage. God is faithful!

So, there are some suggestions. This is certainly not an exhaustive list and I am sure I left out some really important points. I would love to hear some of your suggestions and thoughts about this topic. What has really helped to make your marriage work?

Parenting with Purpose

5 Comments / January 19, 2012 January 19, 2012

My four kids in 2003-- where does the time go?

This morning I am speaking at a local MOPS group on the subject of parenting. As I thought about my life as a mom, I realized how many mistakes I have made and how much I have learned. And I thought of the moments we have as parents that are so proud…and the moments that are so devastating. It is only by the grace of God that we raise kids who love the Lord. Below I have included a condensed version of what I am saying this morning, including some resources I recommend.

1. PERSPECTIVE We need to keep perspective on what is truly important. If we are believers, then we only have 18 short years to mold kids who love the Lord with all of their hearts, souls, minds, and strength and love their neighbors as themselves (Mark 12:30). How do we keep proper perspective? I would like to make three suggestions: 1) We need to pray humbly and often. 2) We need to always think about what’s best for our children, rather than get caught up in our own insecurities and feelings. 3) We need to be very careful where we get our information. Look for biblical resources as you face issues with your children. God’s Word must reign supreme. Godly advice has rarely been found in secular books and magazines.

These three things will help us to remember what is truly important as we go about the job of raising kids.

2. PLAN We need to stop parenting out of convenience and reaction. We need to carefully plan each of the following:

–Conversations: use conversation starters like, “What’s your favorite song?” , “Why do you think that person did that bad thing?” or “What scares you the most and why?”

–Activities: When I over-scheduled myself and my children, I would end up short-tempered, with irritable kids, a messy house, and an unhappy husband. I eventually learned that the strife wasn’t worth it. We need to carefully plan our activities and only do the things that are truly important.

–Entertainment: This encompasses so much of our lives. It includes TV shows, movies, music, and video games. We should give great care and thought to, not only on what we allow them to watch and play, but also how often. We should be encouraging our children to be producers (creating, imagining, and building) rather than consumers (watching).

–Chores: We should be actively involving our children in the work around the house, so that they are learning self-discipline and the sense of accomplishment that comes along with hard work. We want to raise adults who are willing to serve others. This starts at home with chores.

3. PRAISE and PUNISHMENT It is important to establish parental authority in our homes when our children are young. It will not get easier as they get older. While listening to our children’s thoughts and feelings on matters is important and even, on occasion, may lead us to change our minds on an issue, we need to be the authority in our homes, as God designed.

We need to be very careful in our use of praise and punishment. Neither should be overdone. Punishment should only be for defiance and not for accidents. It should be thought out and never be born out of our split-second angry reaction. Ha! I write this and I know that I still struggle with this. Angry reactions are what comes natural to me. “Give me your ipod! I am keeping it for a year!” Thankfully, my husband usually helps me see reason and we develop a more reasonable punishment.

And, on a side note, I have never seen a child’s psyche damaged because they can’t wear or eat what they want. However, I have seen great damage occur when a child always gets their own way and believes themselves to be the center of the universe.

4. PROPER PRIORITIES Our priorities should look like this: 1. God 2. Marriage Relationship 3. Children. In many homes, it appears that the children take the number one spot. In fact, I heard Tim Keller talk about this the other day on a podcast. He talked about how the child-centered family of today, instead of being a healthy Christian model, is nothing like a Christian family should look like. Many of us have made our children idols and the troublesome thing is – in most Christian circles we believe this is the right thing to do.

5. PRIVILEGE We need to remember what an incredible privilege it is to raise children who love the Lord! Many are those who only wish they could do it once or do it over. We need to remember how blessed we are and continue on doing our very best even when the road grows difficult and we grow tired.

There is a war going on for the souls of our children. We need to fight for them! God has entrusted many of us with one or more of these souls. May we approach this opportunity with purpose and whole-hearted devotion.

Some resources I recommend:

Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp

What the Bible Says About Parenting by John MacArthur

Dare to Discipline by James Dobson

Creative Correction by Lisa Welchel