Marriage – Page 10 – Growing 4 Life

The law of imperfection

2 Comments / December 19, 2011 December 14, 2014

The other night we had the blessing of going to our daughter’s Christmas Concert at school. She was only in two numbers during the whole two hours, so we had kind of psyched ourselves up to get through the evening. When we arrived, we found some good friends to sit by and proceeded to move to our chairs. Except when we went to sit down, we found ourselves bumping elbows and hips. The seats were so closely put together that it was almost impossible to sit comfortably.

I started to complain almost immediately. “Who set up these chairs? What were they thinking?” I tried in vain to wiggle my chair to the left and then to the right. It was so uncomfortable. I turned my head to the end of the row. Could we possibly inch the chairs to the left or right? Nope. No chance. They would obviously be out of line with the rest of the rows and there was not an inch of space between any of them. I sat back and resigned myself to sitting diagonally on my seat to get through what was going to be a very long evening. My husband (whom I nicknamed “MacGyver” a long time ago) came up with a great solution. We folded up an unused chair. Aahhh. Space to sit comfortably. We adjusted our chairs and actually enjoyed the rest of the evening, which was filled with the songs of Christmas.

But as I pondered on my reaction, I realized something. I complained when the chairs weren’t set up correctly, but I wouldn’t have even thought about the chairs if they would have been set up in a comfortable way. I would never have entered the row and exclaimed how lovely it was that the chairs were positioned so comfortably. We could just have easily solved that problem (i.e. fold up an extra chair) without my unnecessary complaining. Are complaining and negative words necessary for solving an uncomfortable or difficult dilemma?

So why this human tendency to focus on imperfection? Why do we so often notice the bad stuff but tend to ignore the good stuff? Why do we feel the need to complain and criticize when something doesn’t suit us? Why don’t we notice how wonderful something is? Why don’t we appreciate when something goes as planned?

We find this law at play in our company. We have several hundred customers we service regularly. I bet you can guess who we hear from most often. Yep- you guessed it! The ones who are dissatisfied. We are always so very thankful for those customers who take the time to write a note thanking us or to pick up the phone and call just to tell us how pleased they are with the work we did for them. What a blessing to us and to the employees who did the work.

Let’s take this thought and apply it to our homes, shall we? When was the last time we thanked our husband or wife for doing something good- or even something very routine- that we expected them to do? On the other hand, when is the last time we scolded, criticized, or even yelled at that same person for doing something we didn’t like? Play the same scenario out in your head with your children, your friends, your parents, your pastor, and your co-workers. You see, it is applicable in almost every area we find ourselves in.

Sure, sometimes the negative has to be addressed. I am not talking about the unhealthy choice of ignoring serious problems. What I am referring to are the things we say that just do not need to be said. It’s the unnecessary comment I made about the chairs. It’s the negative comments we make about our favorite sports team, our children’s schools, the restaurant, or the store where we shop. It includes the unkind comments we make to our close friend about someone’s hair…or clothes…or choice of dog…or how they use their money. Unless it is a biblical issue and against a commandment we find there, does it really matter?

The Christmas season is upon us. What a great time to encourage others and set a good example with our language. Let’s edify one another with our words and comments as we gather together for Christmas celebrations.

Proverbs 10: 19 In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, but he who restrains his lips is wise.

Colossians 4:6 Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.

Proverbs 25:11 A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.

What’s It Like to Be Married to Me?

1 Comment / December 1, 2011 December 1, 2011

The title of this book caught my eye as I perused Amazon. I can’t even remember what I was looking for…but it wasn’t a book on marriage. But that title…it was a sermon in and of itself. And I found myself really contemplating it. What is it truly like for my husband to be married to me? I have spent so many thoughts on what it is like to be married to him that I forgot the other side of the equation.

As I read Colossians 3 this morning, and then the similar passage in Ephesians 5, I realized something. Oh, it was not a new thought to me, but God brought it to my attention this morning once again. You want to hear my big insight? Here it is: I can only control me. I can only control my actions, my thoughts, my words, my reactions, my heart, my mind, my body. I am the only one who can control me and I am incapable of controlling anyone else. This especially hits home in a marriage.

Whether my husband treats me wonderfully or badly…I still have a responsibility to respond in a way that pleases the Lord. Whether my husband gets me roses or a vacuum for Valentine’s Day….I still have a responsibility to respond in a way that pleases the Lord. Whether my husband gives me a back rub or a bag of laundry…I still have a responsibility to respond in a way that pleases the Lord. You get the idea.

What is it like to be married to me? I am not sure it is all that it should be. In fact, I am sure it could be a much better experience for my dear husband. May I continue to ask that question throughout the rest of my marriage. It is my hope to be a blessing to my husband. Sometimes we get so caught up in the busyness of life we forget to love and respect our husbands the way God instructs us in His Word.

And we could actually take a similar question and apply it to almost any of our relationships:

What’s it like to be my child?

What is it like to work with me at the office?

What is it like to be my parent? my sibling? my friend?

What is it like to go to church with me?

What if I was my neighbor?

What if I was on a committee with me?

If we find ourselves in a difficult relationship that is full of hurt and anger or just a stilted, uncomfortable relationship, perhaps this is a good place to start. Let’s “put the shoe on the other foot”. Let’s think about how we present ourselves–what kind of tone we use, our body language, our facial expressions. Let’s think for a moment what we may have said, how we may have acted or reacted, the expression or lack of expression that may have been hurtful or unkind.

I think, so often–at least in my life–I spend most of my time thinking about how the other person did something, said something, hurt me, etc. instead of the reverse question. Because, after all, it is much easier to think about the faults of others than my own faults.

And so, God continues to use His Word to teach me. And sometimes He uses wise authors who, even by the title of their book, can speak to me. I haven’t read the book yet (see link below) but I did buy it. Because you are never too old to work on your marriage!

http://www.amazon.com/Whats-Like-Married-Dangerous-Questions/dp/1434700569/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1322698701&sr=1-1

O, to be like a crossing guard

Leave a Comment / November 17, 2011 November 17, 2011

Each morning I pass by a busy intersection near our local middle school. And every morning, I see the same lady faithfully directing traffic and protecting children. She stands with confidence and is dressed appropriately for the conditions, whether there is sunshine, rain, wind, or the dangerous fog. She is observant and always on her guard because any lapse of judgment would put the children she protects in great peril. And, given it is middle school children she directs, I can imagine that the “thank yous” are few and far between. She has also probably put up with a couple of obscene gestures and angry drivers, as well. But she keeps doing her job. Because she is dedicated to that job and takes it seriously.

We Christians could learn a lesson or two from her–

1. We should know what our job is and do it with confidence. God’s Word tells us the “job” description of a true believer in Jesus Christ. We should know what that is and then go about it with confidence. There is such an emphasis on tolerance in this culture, that many of us, while being and looking like true believers in our hearts and homes, are not so confident out in the middle of the intersection. We raise a half-hearted hand to direct traffic and to “kind of” tell them to slow down, but we are afraid to say, “Stop! Do you know where you are spending eternity?”

2. We should stand strong in all types of weather. It is hard to do our job when tough times come. And tough times are not just the big stuff, like job change, death, or divorce. Sometimes tough times can be a long week of being unable to sleep at night. Or they may come with a child who is simply downright difficult. For some, it is related to children leaving the home or perhaps intrusive in-laws. We all have different weather conditions we face. But I think it is safe to say, we all experience different types of weather. Just like the crossing guard shows up and does her job, no matter what the weather, so we, too, should be standing strong with Jesus, no matter what the weather.

3. We should be dressed appropriately. Ephesians 6: 10-20 gives a vivid description of the armor of a Christian. Paul describes how we should be covered from our heads to our toes. And, yet, so many of us are missing a piece of armor. Perhaps it is Truth that is to be girded around our waist, or maybe the Breastplate of Righteousness. It could even be the Shield of Faith. But no matter what it is, when we are missing our armor, we become very vulnerable to our enemy. Any chink in our armor becomes a target, where we can be attacked and destroyed. We need to make sure we have on the whole armor of God, as Paul teaches us in this passage.

4. Apathy puts our children in peril. If the crossing guard was not paying close attention to what she was doing, the children would be in great danger. If she stood on the corner lazily smoking a cigarette, the intersection would become a difficult and very hazardous place for the children she has pledged to protect. Why is it any less important for us as we guard the hearts and minds of our children? We can never let our guards down. We can never stop striving to discern, protect, and make decisions that please the Lord within our families. There is no time this is tested more than when you have teenagers. Oh, the many times I have been tempted to throw my hands up in the air and shout, “I am tired! Do what you want! I don’t care!” At those moments, it is my husband who tells me, “we have to care! We cannot grow tired!” How thankful I am for his perseverance. It is critical to have this perseverance when raising children. To not have it is to put their souls in great danger. We need to parent with a purpose. We are responsible for these children God has entrusted to us. We can never grow apathetic or lazy in this duty!

5. We can’t care what people think. As most of us have already learned, there is very little thanks that comes for standing what is right. More often, we are attacked. But if we are standing on God and what His Word says, then we can stand with courage and confidence. What would happen if that crossing guard walked dejectedly out of the intersection every time an angry driver made an obscene gesture? And, yet, so many of us walk dejectedly away when we are criticized or someone disagrees with us. While we are to be at peace with all men to the best of our ability (Romans 12:18), we are never instructed to compromise. So, while we need to go about standing for truth with love and grace, it is important that we stand. Not saying anything when God’s Word is being compromised is sinful. We can never afford to back down when Truth is attacked. May we stand strong even when the heat of the fire starts to burn us!

As Christians, we have been called to be salt and light. God gives us everything we need to know in His Word. May we be like that crossing guard, standing in all types of weather, dressed appropriately, and always persevering. May we give little heed to those who criticize us unjustly. And may we hear “well done, good and faithful servant,” when we meet God face to face.

Marjory, the Ant

Leave a Comment / September 26, 2011 September 26, 2011

Marjory proudly carried the huge crumb she had found underneath the Hendersons’ picnic table. It looked to be the best crumb she had found all year. Wouldn’t the ant colony be impressed with this large crumb? As she moved slowly across the patio towards the colony, a grasshopper landed in front of her out of nowhere. She started to think about how nice it would be to be able to jump like that…instead of having short, little legs. As she glanced upwards to follow the grasshopper’s next jump, she saw a beautiful Monarch on a golden flower. She pondered what it would be like to be the orange and black butterfly, extracting delicious nectar from lovely flowers…instead of carrying heavy, human leftovers to the ant colony. Marjory started to get depressed. She started to stumble under the weight of the immense crumb. What had been a blessing started to seem like a burden. As Marjory took her eyes off her purpose—gathering food and feeding her fellow ants—she became more and more discontent in her duty. The crumb began to feel 10 times heavier than it had when she had first picked it up. As Marjory’s thoughts continued on the path of “what ifs” and “if onlys”, her pace slowed.

Suddenly, Marjory felt her world grow dark. A shadow had blocked out the sun and covered her whole world. Something…something really big…was behind her…or beside her…or…Marjory stopped walking…and just waited.

A foot stretched down out of the sky towards Marjory. A large, sneakered foot. Marjory started to scream. So this was how she would die. She closed her eyes and braced herself for the worst. As the foot touched the ground, she felt a rumble in the ground beneath her…but she wasn’t dead. She peeked through her half-closed eyes…the foot had come to within a millimeter or two of where she stood with her crumb.

As Marjory’s breathing started to slow back down to normal, she couldn’t help but be thankful that she was alive. She was alive! Suddenly, her lot in life didn’t seem so bad, after all.

As Marjory became focused once again on her purpose, she once again carried her crumb proudly. Her load felt manageable, and even a blessing, as she realized that she was alive and able to do the job she was designed to do. She continued on her journey across the patio with a new sense of purpose.

Ahhh…silly story, is it not? Ants do not have feelings and they probably have no concept of what the other creatures in their world are doing. But, in my imaginary world, I can imagine a worker ant being a little disgruntled about having to do all of that work, while it appears that other creatures are given much more fun and interesting things to do.

Can you see the similarity? I am not going to write a whole lot more, but I will say this: When we remove our eyes from the purpose God has given us—whether it be to raise a family or to fix a machine or sing in front of millions—and place it on those who we think have it so much better, we lose focus. Let’s keep it all in perspective and remember how good we have it. Wherever we are and whatever we are called to do…right here…right now.

Water in the Basement

Leave a Comment / September 15, 2011 June 24, 2015

Last week brought record flooding to the Eastern United States. Water gushed into the basements of thousands. Carpet and furniture were ruined. TVs, computers, and video game consoles were rendered useless. Photos, toys, clothing, and boxes of Christmas decorations all needed to be sorted through–many of the items tossed into the trash dumpsters that needed to be ordered for the occasion.

Now tell me this–what would happen if someone just decided not to clean up the mess created by the water? What if they just decided to shut the basement door and ignore that it ever happened?

Of course the whole home would become uninhabitable rather quickly. The smell itself would drive out the homeowners. But along with that would come mold and mildew and creatures and sludge. And then, if someone was crazy enough to continue living there, bacteria, infection, and disease would eventually make their presence known.

But, of course, this is a ridiculous line of thought, right? No one in their right mind would let it go this far.

However–

While we might not allow things to rot in our basements, let’s think about our relationships for a minute.

Many of us–maybe even all of us–try to ignore things in our relationships with spouses, children, parents, or friends. We just think if we ignore it it will go away. But would that horrible stench in our basements go away if we just ignore it? Of course not. So why then do we think the problem in our relationship will disappear?

I think this is often the underlying cause of those later-in-life divorces. You know the ones–where they have been married for 25 or 30 years and then, suddenly, out of the blue, the one spouse wants out and the other one never saw it coming. I guarantee you that somewhere in the hazy craziness of all that is going on with that couple, one of them made a decision to ignore something that was really bothering them.

Another example that comes to mind is our teenagers. So many of us just want to ignore the trash on the iPod or the inappropriate texting. Because for the moment, it it the easiest thing to do. But ignoring things like this will lead us to big-time regret.

But it is so much work.

But it is too hard.

But I don’t feel like it.

But I hate conflict.

But it just isn’t worth it to fight.

But I give up.

But I am tired and do not have the energy to deal with this.

But, but, but…

I am afraid we cannot afford the “buts”! What if the basement was flooded and the homeowner pronounced those words?

“I am too tired. It is too hard. It is not worth it. ”

That would be ludicrous, would it not? Why then is it okay for us to do this when we have an issue in a relationship?

Many a marriage has ended in divorce, many a teenager lost to the world, and many friends forever parted–all because someone was not willing to say, “hey, I love you, but this is a problem. Let’s figure this out together, because you are worth it to me.”

Do you have a stench in one of your relationships? Is mold and mildew growing there? Is there a mess that needs to be cleaned up? I know it will be hard work. But it is worth it! Let’s care for and protect our relationships, just like we care for and protect our homes!

Steel Rods (and why they do not belong in a marriage)

2 Comments / August 18, 2011 April 25, 2015

I could almost feel the hot, molten metal filling my spine. At first, came the searing heat of anger.

“You can’t tell me what to do!”

“Who do you think you are, anyway?”

“If you love me, you would consider my point of view.”

The red, liquid metal hardened to solid, unyielding steel as the days passed and my thoughts frequently turned to the topic of debate. I felt my heart harden right along with my spine. I wasn’t moving. We had come to an impasse, my husband and I.

What were we going to do about it? Because– did I mention this already?–I wasn’t moving.

I felt a flutter of discomfort–perhaps the Holy Spirit–move in me. I ignored it. I went on with my daily activities like everything was fine. As did my husband. Every now and then we would try to talk about it. And get nowhere. Finally, I think we both gave up.

A couple of weeks later, we were able to talk more about it. I was able to state my valid points in a kind and open way, instead of with an angry finality. I think he really did hear me and we came to an agreeable understanding about the topic, for the most part.

But I still couldn’t pray. Any efforts at prayer couldn’t get beyond the white ceiling above my head. What was wrong, Lord? Why didn’t I feel at peace with You?

I tried to figure it out. My mind glossed over the steel rod already hardened somewhere deep within. It couldn’t be that.

“Lord, you have to understand. I know my husband is the leader, but…You can only expect so much, Lord.”

My excuses went on inside my head for a day or two. But I knew what was keeping me from fellowship with God. I finally submitted to Him and to my husband’s leadership. When I had confessed my sin, I prayed that God would provide a private moment with my husband so that I could apologize. God graciously granted me this often scarce blessing almost immediately and I humbly apologized to my husband.

Did that mean I had changed my opinion about the topic we had heatedly disagreed on? No, not even a bit. But I found that discussing my very strong feelings on this subject with kindness and openness and listening ears made a huge difference in not only that one particular conversation but in the status of our relationship. Instead, I had chosen to plant my feet in concrete and had single-handedly launched our marriage into some very difficult weeks.

I am sharing my experience here as a wife with her husband. But, let’s not forget that men do this, too. Men, please do not use your God-given role as leader to excuse a steel rod within you. Speaking words like “I am the leader, you are to be submissive and do as I say” will build a high wall between you and your wife before you can even spit out that sentence. Your wife is quite familiar with that steel rod of yours. And she feels quite lonely and unloved because of it. If you love your wife, show her how important she is by asking for her thoughts and opinions on things. Show her you care enough to listen.

There is just no room for steel rods in either spouse in a godly marriage. Steel rods make for very lonely people living in the same house. If something is so important that you are willing to sacrifice the health of your marriage on the altar of it, you’d better make sure it is worthy of that sacrifice. Did your wife ask you to lie on your tax return? Did your husband ask you to steal something? It had better be that serious.

We need to lovingly listen to one another. And when we come to an impasse or a disagreement that just can’t be bridged, then the husband needs to lovingly assert his God-given authority and the women needs to humbly submit to that authority.*

And don’t forget to pray together. And pray for each other. If you and your spouse are struggling through something and you feel really strongly about it, speak softly** and pray that your husband or wife would really hear you. And be humble enough to ask the Lord to show you if you are the one who needs to change your mind.

Love, kindness, and humility bring not only a lasting marriage but a healthy marriage. Let’s strive to have healthy, long-lasting marriages. Let’s show the world that marriages modeled after God’s Word are not only different but, oh, so rewarding!

*Ephesians 5:22-33: 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. ²⁴ Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.
²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, ²⁶ that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, ²⁷ that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. ²⁸ So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. ³⁰ For we are members of His body,^[d] of His flesh and of His bones. ³¹ “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”^[e] ³² This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. ³³ Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

**Proverbs 15:1: A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Choices

Leave a Comment / August 8, 2011 August 8, 2011

The little boy jumped up and down on his bed excitedly. He was going fishing with Daddy after his nap! He had jumped the blue and red comforter almost all the way off of the bed by the time Daddy scolded him. Daddy told him to rest a few hours and then they would go. He laid down and tried to close his eyes. Meanwhile, Daddy told Mommy that he had to run out to do an errand, or to go hunting, or to see a friend. Mommy believed him. Instead, Daddy was headed somewhere else.

I can’t help but wonder if this was the story behind the minivan I saw parked at the “adult” store we passed on the way home from a trip away yesterday.

Lives destroyed by our choices. Not only our own lives are affected by our choices, but the lives of our families. In this case, it is a choice to visit an “adult” store. Instead of working things out at home, it is easier to just run away. But, even if we have no inclination to visit an “adult” store…EVER…we still have choices to make, don’t we? Choices that affect those around us.

Choices as damaging as lingering over coffee with a co-worker of the opposite sex long after business has been discussed. Or perhaps it is something as simple as choosing to watch TV instead of playing and having fun with your kids. But both of these decisions have consequences.

Choices based only on our own selfish desires are almost always destined for bad consequences.

I can remember years ago, when I was in the habit of turning on Oprah, an episode about “successful” women. Most of these women were heads of multi-million dollar companies or had developed wonderful charities. There was one thing each of these women had in common. If I remember correctly, I think all of them had gotten divorced through the process of fulfilling their “dream”.

They had made a choice to “follow their hearts” and had chosen their desires over their families. They were praised and applauded for making this choice by the world.

But if they could do it again, would they find it worth it? Were they really happy? Or were those plastered smiles on their made-up faces covering a whole host of hurt, pain, and questions? Who determined that being the head of a multi-million dollar company deserves the praise of the world but choosing the selfless way of being a wife and mother does not?

If I am being honest here, and I may as well be, or you won’t even want to read what I am writing…I really struggle with making selfish choices. Oh, not the big things…but in the little things. The things that reap small, negative consequences…like strained relationships. And almost every time I make a choice based on my selfish desire, without care for anyone else’s feelings or thoughts on the choice, I find myself in the midst of arguments, hurt feelings, and chaos.

You see, the world will tell you to focus on yourself and what YOU want. This message is plastered on billboards. It is on almost every reality TV show. It is the message of many a magazine article. We find this message everywhere. We find it everywhere– except in the Bible. Not once in the Bible do I find a command to think of myself first when making a choice. It is always about thinking of God first. Of others first.

A difficult command to live out in today’s culture.

Floating the right direction

Leave a Comment / July 25, 2011 July 25, 2011

It was so HOT. Even in the mountains. So we grabbed some tubes and headed to the creek. We were floating gently along, feeling the warm sunshine on our faces, when I felt someone bump into me. My good friend had purposely pushed her husband’s tube away from hers inadvertently towards me. She quipped, “I meant to push him away but not towards another woman!” and we joked about the symbolism of that and I told her it would probably end up in one of my blogs. And here it is!

I couldn’t let that one go. We do that, don’t we? We gently push our spouse away. We don’t plan to push them towards someone else’s arms. That is truly not our intention. Perhaps we just are struggling through something we don’t want to share with them (which is never a good idea, anyway) or maybe we tend to be more solitary and like to be alone or maybe we work too much or focus too much on the kids instead of our spouse.

Sometimes we just would rather watch TV than listen to our best friend talk about his golf game or her trip to the mall. We are too lazy to get up off the chair and look at something they created or fixed or found.

Or perhaps we have become much more comfortable at sharing the negative about them and the positive about others. When men tell their wives they are too fat or too skinny or their feet or nose are too big…that is like giving his wife a giant push away from him. And when a wife tells her husband that “you don’t know what you’re doing” or jokes about his faults in front of their friends…she is doing the same. We need to be so very careful with our words.

And, finally, one day, after years of bad communication patterns, we wake up and our spouse is in someone else’s arms. They are looking towards someone else to meet their needs for love and respect and passion. If they aren’t needed at home then they will go somewhere else. It happens over and over again…each and every day. It is one of the most tragic events in existence. Families crumble, children suffer.

A successful marriage takes so much work. And we make choices to keep our spouse close or to push them away every day. Every marriage goes through cycles, but if it is made up of only pushing away it means your inner tubes are floating further and further away from each other. And the further you float away, the harder it is–the more work it is– to swim back towards each other again.

But it is worth the work! No matter where you find yourself. And today is a good day to start! If you have been struggling giving attention to your spouse, make today a new beginning! Listen to them today. Be kind. And keep that inner tube close to yours, before they float away out of sight!