Real Life Stories – Page 21

Some Things We Must Let Go

2 Comments / April 24, 2014 April 24, 2014

So, on Monday my post was titled Don’t Let It Go. I wrote it because I was checking the lyrics of the popular song to see if there was any phrase I could use for the post I am about to write right now. Instead I found new age nonsense. But, while we certainly shouldn’t let any opportunity to discern go by us, there are a few things that we really do need to let go. Like grudges.

Recently, my husband and I ran into a couple we know. We are very aware of the fact that this couple doesn’t particularly like us and hasn’t for many years. The thing is–we have never figured out exactly why. Oh, we have some guesses and assumptions, but we have never had a sit-down conversation as to why they hold us in such low esteem.

So, when my husband offered his right hand to the woman to shake hers in a gesture of friendliness, we weren’t surprised. You see, while she lifted her hand in a limp shake, she would not look into my husband’s eyes. She kept staring straight ahead. Like he wasn’t there. Because she doesn’t like him. But we don’t know why.

Our families and church families are FILLED with these scenarios. This person doesn’t like that person, often because of something that happened a very long time ago.

And there are two perspectives in these situations to consider — the grudge holder’s and the one the grudge is being held against (hereon out to be referred to as the “grudgee”). I’ve been both, so I thought I’d share a few things I’ve learned.

As Grudge Holder

This one I find to be a ginormous waste of personal energy. As I tell my kids, life is just too short for grudges. Oh, I have people that I do not see eye to eye with, but I am learning to view them with more grace as I grow older. Unbelievers are so much easier. I expect them to hurt me, to revile me, and to be unkind. They are not living by God’s law and I shouldn’t expect them to. I find the hurts dealt by Christian brothers and sisters to be much more painful and challenging to get over. But, here again, grace is the word that comes to mind. Do I know what experiences or trials have led that person to be unkind or to make that choice? And, let’s be honest, do I even know if that person calling him or herself a believer is a genuine believer? There are so many who use the label, but do not truly understand the depth of their sin and the payment for that sin at the cross.

I have had a long and challenging journey in this area. I have learned to just ask God to fill me with His love for those I find so hard to love on my own. And a big part of healing in this area, if we struggle with it, is to control our thoughts. You see, Satan just gets in there and twists and turns and makes every offense even worse than it really was. In fact, sometimes we find offense where there was absolutely none intended.

I believe that grudges cause destruction. I have seen the horrible wreckage and wastelands of families and churches that have been ripped apart by grudges. It is so tragic. And, for some reason I cannot figure out, it seems to be a totally and completely excusable sin in our churches. Why is this okay?

Now the other thing that I have found myself tempted to do is to “Christianize” my grudge. I will hold ill will in my heart towards someone and rationalize why I am sure God must understand, and perhaps even give His blessing, to it. Of course, this is ridiculous. Even if we are standing for righteousness, it gives us no excuse to hold ill will against a particular person. Jesus Christ, as he headed to the cross, set the best example for us, didn’t He? I Peter 2:23 tells us this about the Savior–

who, when He was reviled, did not revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but committed Himself to Him who judges righteously.

He set the perfect example by not only reacting in a calm and gracious manner, but by showing us that we are to commit our wills and desires to God, who judges all things righteously and can take care of the person that is hurting us (Romans 12:19).

Bottom Line: Grudges are unacceptable for a believer (Ephesians 4:31-32; Leviticus 19:18; Mark 11:25). Grudges are also a big waste of time and energy.

As Grudgee

Okay, so yes, I know “grudgee” isn’t a word, but exactly what is the concise word for being the person that a grudge is held against? So, I will just call it this.

I have had much experience with this one, as my big and thoughtless mouth has often gotten me into a spot of trouble. I say things before I think and find, sometimes YEARS later, that something I said has caused a person to hold a grudge against me all this time. Usually I find this out via a friend of a friend. It is rarely from the person herself.

My reaction to this has changed quite a bit over the years. Let me share.

Let me say this first– I work very hard to be more careful with my words and my tone. I do not have this down 100%, by any means, but I recognize my tendency and really try to remember this when I am talking to people. But I am sure I still inevitably frustrate and offend people. And God tells us that all of us who are believers should actually expect to offend people when we share the gospel (2 Corinthians 2:15-16). So this is something we have probably all dealt with at one time or another.

Here are a few things I have learned about being the grudgee. First, I recognize that I have control over only one part of this situation — myself and my reaction. We can feel pretty helpless in the shadow of someone’s hostility towards us. Some of us grow angry right back at that person, others of us try to just ignore it, and some of us work so hard to fix it and find ourselves filled with disappointment and bitterness when the “happy ending” we long for isn’t forthcoming. But what is a biblical response? A lot of what I wrote above is also applicable here (Jesus’s example, the verses given), so I won’t repeat myself. But here are a few more specifics —

1. Love the grudge holder. Jesus tells us in Matthew 5:44, that we are to love our enemies. If someone hates us we are to return that hate with love. Sometimes that feels humanly impossible. That is because it is. Here again, I have learned to ask God to fill me with His love, because, on my own, I am empty. Responding with love is difficult, but if we can do it, we are a tremendous testimony of God’s working in our lives. Because this is so outside our human nature, we shine like a giant spotlight in pitch black darkness when we love those who hate us.

2. Pray for the grudge holder. I don’t know how this works, but if we can sincerely lift the grudge holder before God and pray for their salvation or spiritual growth, it changes how you feel about them. Somehow this process gives us more grace to deal with this person.

3. Do something kind for the grudge holder. Now if you do not run into this grudge holder regularly, this might be awkward. But if it is someone you see at church or it is a family member, go out of your way to be nice. I have a friend who often used this phrase, when faced with similar situations: kill them with kindness. Yes! What wisdom! Do you know how hard it is to hate someone who is so nice to you? It will often make a difference.

These things are not easy to do. In fact, they are very difficult. Our feelings cry out in opposition, and yet, if we can choose to obey, in spite of our feelings, the reward is tremendous. No, sometimes, it doesn’t work out the way we want. This is not a cure-all for relationships. The reward is not always a happy ending. But one guaranteed reward is always peace. Peace because we have done the right thing, according to God’s Word (Matthew 5:44). Peace because, as much as it is up to us, we have strived to live in peace (Romans 12:18). And peace because we have followed our Savior’s example (I Peter 2:23).

Bottom Line: We need to love the grudge holder and let the rest up to God.

These are hard things to talk about and most of us are caught up in it in one way or another. Many of us are caught up in both ways. I would love to hear what you have learned and the biblical wisdom you have gained through your own experiences? I am sure I have not covered this whole subject of grudges in completion. Please leave a comment below to help fill in the gaps :)

That was me. That could be me. That will be me.

Leave a Comment / April 17, 2014 April 17, 2014

I was tired and ready to go home. It had taken me at least ten minutes to return two items of clothing at the busy wholesale club, which was my last stop in a long list of errands that afternoon. As I piled the items from my full cart on to the conveyer belt, I saw her. She looked so frail. She was with someone younger than her, maybe a daughter or niece. As she was making efforts to pay, I felt slightly irritated. She was writing a paper check (people still actually pay at a retail store by writing a check?!) and was having some trouble understanding the instructions of the clerk. This was all happening in–what seemed to me at the time–slow motion. Each step or arm movement seemed to take minutes instead of seconds. But then I caught the eye of her companion. We exchanged smiles. And I continued to watch that tiny, frail old lady with a little more patience because around that moment, it hit me.

That is going to be me someday.

And I started to think about the different people who so easily frustrate us in life–

The mom with the sick infant that won’t stop screaming in the store or on the airplane.

That was me at one point in my life.

The driver, on their way home from a really terrible meeting or visit, who cuts me off because they are just so distracted.

I’ve been there.

Or the woman paying with food stamps in the grocery store line.

That could be me but for the grace of God.

And I realize that we should really extend so much more grace to people. Why are we so easily frustrated? We could be just like them. Perhaps we were just like them. Or we will be just like them one day in the future.

How do you want people to treat you? That’s the way we should treat others. It is so basic and yet so important.

Do you want your co-workers to tell you the truth? Then extend to them the same courtesy.

Do you want the person behind you in line to be patient as your credit card gets rejected for the third time for some unknown reason? Then do the same when you are that person in line.

What about the overwhelmed waitress? Does she deserve kindness? Would you want kindness if you were in her place–perhaps as new to the job or in a restaurant that is understaffed? God calls us to treat her the way we would want to be treated.

Jesus tells us this basic truth so clearly in Luke 6:31. So why do we struggle so? Why are we so gossipy and easily angered? Why do we backbite and hold grudges? Or sigh and throw tantrums?

I fail at this so often. I don’t mean to, I just get so caught up with my own little, selfish agenda and, woe betide anyone who gets in my way. But for some reason, the elderly lady really made me stop and think. How do I want to be treated when I can’t move as fast as I once did? Because it’s coming. Whether I want it to or not. It’s coming for all of us one day, if we are blessed to live a long life.

You know, if we all followed Luke 6:31 the world we be such a better place. In fact, I believe if Christians followed this commandment, churches would find themselves with few problems.

Of course, that’s in an ideal world, which is certainly not where we live. But it can start with us, can it not? Today, let us be the ones who treat others as we want to be treated. Let’s try to make a difference, however small, by extending grace and kindness to all who cross our path.

But Why, God?

2 Comments / March 24, 2014 March 24, 2014

Something terrible happened over the weekend to a really nice family. I don’t know them all that well, but I do know that, from my purely human point of view, they certainly didn’t deserve this tragedy in their lives.

I found myself really questioning the goodness of God as I tried to sort through all of this in my mind. Bad things happen to godly people. We know this is a fact of life. And, yet, sometimes, it just hits us and our spirit cries out to the Lord, asking “But why, God?”

It wasn’t that I was questioning Him. I know (in my head) that He is good all the time. And I know that He loves this family and that hasn’t changed because He has allowed this tragedy in their lives. But my heart was having a really hard time wrapping itself around the why. What good purpose could this possibly have?

I don’t have the answer to that. Just like good purposes and lessons learned do not always show forth through the hard moments and difficult times in my own life, I may never know why this family has suffered so.

But God knows. I try to remember that He sees the whole tapestry, while I only see a tiny speck of it. One tiny dot in the scope of all of time in the whole world. I can’t help but realize that I really know nothing and should not judge God based on my very limited perspective.

As I was pondering all of this, I just “happened” to read the following in a *fiction book I am reading–

“See, typically we measure goodness by whether we like something or not. I like this, so it’s good. I don’t like that, so it’s not good. We can do this with God, pretty easily, in fact. If He does something we like or agree with, then He’s good. If He does something or allows something we don’t like, we’re not so sure anymore. We won’t usually say it out loud; that would be impolite. But we can go there in our hearts. And once we do, we start to pull away from the Lord . Do you think that could have happened here?”

And this–

“God doesn’t just do good, Shawn. He is good. His goodness flows from his very nature. Because we don’t always understand what He’s doing, some of it doesn’t seem good to us. But that’s where our faith comes into play. We must believe, as Paul says, that God is working all things together for our good. In time, His goodness and good purposes will become clearer to us. But it can take time.”

Wow. A sermon to me right in the middle of a novel, just when I needed it. And people say there is no personal God? I beg to differ.

Of course, that last sentence — about His purposes becoming clearer in time–while that is sometimes true, it isn’t always true, is it? Sometimes we will never find out this side of heaven.

But how convicted I was by that first thought— Wasn’t I judging God’s goodness based on my perception of what is good? Only God knows the ramifications of any tragedy. He knows whose hearts will be touched and what seeds will be planted. He knows the spiritual growth that will take place and the relationships that will be changed. We can’t see it all, because we are limited by time and our own perspectives. I keep coming back to that word “limited”.

And I realized something — how dare I judge God based on my own limited and humanly flawed knowledge? How dare I? Who do I think I am, anyway?

I remember a friend once saying that she believes it is actually a sin to question God and to ask why. I am not sure about that, but I do believe that if we don’t come to a place of utter submission to His will after our initial and natural questioning, we will struggle all of our lives in our relationship with Him. It is about sovereignty and submission. Very very unpopular words in this culture we find ourselves.

And, interestingly enough, as I was thinking through all of this, another friend who is going through an extremely difficult time in her life shared with me a really amazing way she has seen the Lord take her tragedy and bring someone to Himself because of it. Now if that isn’t an encouragement to keep trusting, I don’t know what is.

But, no matter what outcomes we do or do not see, scripture teaches us that we are to keep submitting and trusting, knowing that our heavenly Father loves us and will keep us in His care, no matter what we face (I Peter 5:7; Lamentations 3:25; 2 Corinthians 1:3-4).

*Walsh, Dan (2010-06-01). Homecoming, The: A Novel (Kindle Locations 3581-3584 & 3588-3591). Baker Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

Only God

2 Comments / March 6, 2014 March 6, 2014

It was a cold, windy day and I had two boxes of flowers in my car. We had them left over from a garden show and I was determined to keep them from a lonely death in my garage, while giving a few friends a little taste of spring in this long winter. As I pulled up to a friend’s house, I remembered that there was another lady there at her house. As I got out of the car, I decided spontaneously to take an extra hyacinth in with me and give it to her. I don’t know her all that well, but, hey, who turns down a spring-scented flower? Especially after this winter!

As I handed her the flower, her face lit up and she thanked me.

I thought no more of it. Until I got a thank-you card from this woman a week or so later.

You see this woman’s mother lives with her. And she has terminal cancer. She had given up. This is a portion of the note:

I don’t know flower names, but the minute Mom saw it she exclaimed, “Where did you get that! I love hyacinths. We can plant it in the front yard come spring.” That is the first time my mother looked ahead with any joy.

Now, here is the thing– I had NO idea that her dying mother’s favorite flower was a hyacinth. I didn’t even know she had a mother who has cancer. I could just as easily have given her a daffodil or tulip, both of which were with me in my car. Why did I choose to give her a hyacinth?

But God knew. God knew that a hyacinth, specifically, would brighten up this woman’s mother’s day like nothing else. He knew it would be a source of encouragement to both of them in ways I could never have imagined.

It’s funny, but I continue to be amazed at how much God cares about the small stuff in our lives. How can this be? There is so much hurt and pain and tragedy everywhere. There are wars and rumors of wars. There are failing economies. And yet, amidst all of this, God cared enough to bring this woman the “right” flower.

What an awesome God we serve.

Building and Protecting

Leave a Comment / February 24, 2014 February 24, 2014

We humans want the easy way. Water always flows in the path of least resistance. The river flows downstream. It’s easier to walk down a hill than up a hill. It’s easier to sit on the couch than it is to get up and exercise. This is life.

This past weekend our landscape company took three and a half days to set up a huge garden display at a garden show. It took hours and hours of preparation and many man hours to get it set up just right. Every plant was placed with care, every block laid carefully, and the covering of mulch was perfected. By Thursday afternoon we were all pleasantly exhausted, knowing that we had done our best and it looked great. It was very rewarding.

Of course, that feeling of reward lasted only a few brief days. Today–just three short days after we put it all up– we tore it all down in a few hours.

I just can’t help but think about the similarity of this to life. Almost everything worth having is going to cost us something — hard work, sacrifice, self-denial, etc. Healthy bodies, healthy marriages, healthy families, healthy budgets do not happen with an “easy” button.

And all of that hard work and sacrifice — for a healthy body, a healthy marriage, a healthy family, a healthy budget– can be utterly destroyed in a few brief moments.

Building something takes months, sometimes years. We have to carefully protect that for which we have worked so hard!

This is why it is so important that we be on guard at all times, keeping our feet firmly rooted in the soil of God’s Word, so that we can withstand temptation. It says in I Corinthians 10:13 that there will always be a way of escape for any temptation we face. But if we are not walking in the Spirit, learning God’s Word, then we have no right to expect that way of escape.

And so the concrete space that was a beautiful garden just a few short hours before today gives evidence to the fact that building up takes much more effort than tearing down. It’s a great reminder for all of life.

Bird in a Blizzard

2 Comments / February 13, 2014 February 13, 2014

As I looked out my window at the blowing snow this morning, I couldn’t help but notice the four little sparrows hopping around our bird feeder. One was on the feeder, while it blew in the wind, and three were on the ground below, their feathers all fluffed out as they searched for fallen seeds. The temperatures are cold this morning–26 degrees Fahrenheit– and I know I wouldn’t want to be outside. And I couldn’t help thinking–

I’m so glad I’m not a bird today.

But then I remembered that God created them with very specific features. They have exactly what they need to survive this day.

And so the sparrows that sit in the trees and sing on warm summer mornings are the same sparrows that have to endure winter. But God has prepared them and, most likely, they will survive to see summer come again.

Thinking about this made me realize that God will prepare you and me for whatever winters come our way, as well. I was talking with some friends the other day about the great Christians who have been martyred in other times and other lands. As we talked we pondered about the possibility of that happening in our country and whether or not we would have the strength to stand for what is right if it came. I said, “God would give us the grace. He promises to give us the grace.” But as I said it, inside my head I wondered a bit. Would He really??

And then this morning He showed me the birds. And I knew. He will prepare us for whatever is to come. He will not leave us or forsake us through the dark valleys that are ahead. Just as the birds have been prepared for their winters, so will we be prepared for ours. If we are a true believer and Jesus Christ has saved us, then we can rest in this thought.

Thankless Jobs

6 Comments / February 6, 2014 February 6, 2014

As my husband crawled into bed last night, exhausted after several nights of little sleep and hours and hours out in the cold, he said these words to me: “There is one thing about snow removal. It is such a thankless job.”

He went on to talk about his day and the lack of gratitude he gets in the snow removal business. I dealt with my own end of that this past week, where the east has been coated in snow and ice. I am the lucky girl who gets to take the phone calls. And, trust me, people do not call to say how awesome of a job we did. It is always a complaint. Mostly by people who aren’t very kind as they express their frustrations. Now, I will say this, some people are very nice when they call and that helps so much. And I am also thankful that we have an AWESOME crew who does a GREAT job and so the calls are fairly infrequent. But it does remind me of a couple of things —

1. We need to thank someone who does something we take for granted. Someone is working hard, often during the hours you are asleep, so that you can get to work tomorrow or walk safely on the sidewalks leading into the bank or the grocery store. If you see them out working, tell them you appreciate them. But this isn’t just about snow removal. Think about other thankless jobs people do each and every day and then intentionally start thanking those people.

2. We need to do our duty, with or without the praise of men. Sometimes we find ourselves relying on someone saying thank you or good job and when it doesn’t come we get discouraged and want to quit. But Colossians 3:23-24 says And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ. Yes! We serve the Lord, not man. Whether we are doing the dishes, plowing snow, or collecting garbage, we are to do it out of a heart of love for our Lord.

And so the long winter continues, but it has not been without its life lessons and good reminders. And while I am thankful for what God is teaching me, I do find myself longing for the sunny summer days. I guess they will come soon enough.

The Gray-Spotted Beetle

Leave a Comment / February 3, 2014 January 27, 2015

Since I don't have a picture of this unique car, I figured I'd create my own! — Since I don’t have a picture of this unique car, I figured I’d create my own!

We had the special privilege of gathering with my parents for a meal over the weekend. We started reminiscing a bit and my father took special pleasure in bringing up one of those memories that teen-aged grandkids just love to hear about their parents!

I was a junior in high school and I had just left play practice. I was speeding along home, going quite fast–probably because I was never one to dawdle along. When it was time to go home, I wanted to get there as soon as possible. I was (and continue to be) someone who moves with purpose. Sometimes that makes following the speed limit a challenge for me! ;)

ANYWAY…as I was speeding along home in my parent’s dark blue VW Beetle I spotted a car in my rear view mirror. As it got closer to me, my heart sank. That car looked suspiciously like my father’s car, an old yellow VW beetle covered with gray spots, made by the primer used to cover the rust spots until it could be given a proper paint job. Trust me, it was a one-of-a-kind car, making it easy for me to realize that I was probably in a bit of trouble!

And I was not disappointed. When I arrived home, I was given a much needed lecture on why I shouldn’t go so fast. And while I do not really remember the lecture or anything after spotting that car in my mirror, I do vividly remember the moment I spotted that car.

Because at that moment, everything changed. The person who was the authority in my life was watching me. I loved my father deeply and did not want him to be disappointed in me. And he was disappointed in me. I instinctively knew this.

It was a good lesson for the teen-aged me. We need to remember that, at any given time, your father may be watching you!

But there’s more. As you may have guessed.

As I pondered this story from long ago, I was reminded of my tendency to forget that God is always watching me. He sees when I talk in an unpleasant tone to my husband. He hears my angry voice or my crude language. He sits and watches TV with me and He is in my car, listening to my music. He knows if I am honoring Him with my time, my money, and my body. Because He knows everything.

I think if I could remember this, I would be much more prone to be more careful with my choices. Oh, how disappointed He must be in me so many times! I hate to disappoint my heavenly father even more than I hated disappointing my earthly father. And yet I do it again and again, so easily forgetting that nothing goes unseen.

Just like the 16 year old, speeding along, was reminded of the fact that her father could be watching at any moment, we need to be reminded that our heavenly Father is always watching us. May we be ever-conscious of this as we live each moment.

Parenting 101: What Does My Marriage Have To Do With It?

2 Comments / January 7, 2014 January 7, 2014

The little girl stared wide-eyed at her parents. The family was eating a dinner like any normal night. The mom had cooked a meal and when the dad had come home from work the family all took a seat at the table. But somewhere during the course of conversation that night, the mom and dad had started to argue. The argument had become quite heated and the little girl was scared. The big “D” word played over and over in her mind. She thought of some of her friends who lived with just their moms.

After dinner, she quietly left the table and hurried upstairs where she grabbed a small suitcase and started packing. She didn’t know what was going to happen but she knew she didn’t want to be around to watch it.

She didn’t get very far. Her parents found her and they all had a good talk.

That little girl was me. I do not remember much about my childhood but I do remember that evening. I was only a small girl — maybe six or seven. But seeing my mom and dad fight scared me to death. Thankfully, I was in a home where that was not a daily occurrence and when it was over, it was over. Genuine apologies were made and life moved on.

I tell you that story because I think it shows just a bit what our children think when we are struggling to get along as a couple. I can also remember when Eric and I went through a very difficult period for about a year early on in our marriage. No cause showed itself and eventually it just got better but, for whatever reason, we just couldn’t get along during that time. While we struggled, one of our children would get up every night with a bellyache. It wasn’t until later that we put two and two together and realized that the poor child’s fear of an impending divorce was showing up in her belly. Now, we knew we weren’t getting divorced– just as my parents knew they weren’t getting divorced when I heard them fighting– but she didn’t know that.

Can you see how critical it is that we make sure our kids know how much we love each other? That they understand that we will never, ever get divorced? But only if it’s true. Don’t lie to them. That will make things worse.

And, I might add here before moving on– I understand that some of you are married to uncooperative and ungodly spouses. I grieve with you over that. Keep praying. And may that motivate you to pray that your children would choose godly spouses as they grow up.

But for those of you who are married to a Christian spouse and really want a strong family with well-adjusted kids, be sure to keep your marriage a strong priority. I can think of three specific reasons–

1. It provides a security like no other for a child. The world can be in utter chaos, but if home is a safe and happy place, our children feel secure.

2. It provides consistency between mom and dad that is comforting and helpful to growing kids. Kids are smart and if they can play mom and dad against each other to get their own way, they will do it. Healthy marriages keep these games to a minimum.

3. It gives them a godly example of marriage to emulate in their own lives when that time comes. Children in homes with healthy marriages are much more likely to have their own healthy marriages. Whether we like it or not, most of us end up being just like our parents. We end up arguing like them, serving (or not serving) like them, going to church as often as them, and parenting like them. Oh, many of us make changes because we see the need, but our natural inclination is to be like our parents. With that in mind, it is important that we have a healthy marriage now so that our kids have a much better opportunity to have healthy homes of their own one day.

So, now that we understand how important it is, how do we go about doing that?

Most of us are familiar with the Ephesians 5:22-29 passage about a woman submitting to her husband and a man loving his wife. We women get very “up in arms” over that word submit. But should we? Of course, over the centuries, many misguided men have twisted that word to be synonymous with the word doormat. But is that what the Lord meant? I think not, given the exhortation for men to cherish their wives. Men who cherish their wives do not treat them like doormats.

Very simply, a healthy marriage consists of two people giving up their own selfish desires for the other person. Of course, as a believer, we should desire to think less of self in all relationships (Philippians 2:3-5), but this fruit of selflessness is never so sorely tried as in marriage. For in marriage, we cannot hide our selfish motives and unkind hearts. We can’t hide our sinful habits and our big mouths.

And, interestingly enough, I found out rather recently in my own marriage that when one of the marriage partners makes an effort in being kind and loving and unselfish instead of snappy and critical, oftentimes the other person will rise to meet them in that effort. And– just to be clear– it was my sweet husband who reminded me of what marriage can be by going above and beyond. His actions motivated me to meet him half-way in making our relationship so much healthier.

All marriages go through good times and difficult times. Meanwhile our kids are watching. And they sit back and wonder: Are they going to work it out or give up? Are they going to keep talking or ignore each other for days on end? Will they stay together or will they get divorced?

We need to live each marriage moment in light of being the husband or wife that God has called us to be. We need to be the same person at home that we are in public. We need to keep working and trying and giving up our rights and desires for the betterment of our spouse. And, while this is not easy to do as naturally selfish people, I try to remember when I’m frustrated that it’s really no picnic being married to me, either! Marriage is two imperfect people living together in an imperfect world. There are bound to be some rocky patches.

One final very important thing to remember is that love is not a feeling. Love is action. And when we choose to love by our actions, it is incredibly surprising and quite amazing how the feelings of love return. So choose to love and be amazed at God’s grace in this area. But I will warn you — this takes work. Work that is well worth it in the end, but it is work.

A healthy marriage is critical for a healthy family. That doesn’t mean there won’t be disagreements, but that we work through them in a way that honors our heavenly Father.

Thanks for reading! Hope you come back for the next post in this series which I’ve entitled Who’s the Boss? And if you liked this post, would you consider sharing it? Thank you! :)

What We Remember

2 Comments / December 19, 2013 December 23, 2025

Christmas is such a blessed time, especially if we truly understand the reason for the season. But, inevitably, as we grow older this time of year also comes with a bit of sad nostalgia as we remember favorite childhood memories and loved ones no longer with us.

Sometimes I am so caught up in the busyness of the season, I don’t really take the time to reflect on past Christmases, but this season has purposefully been a little slower paced and so I found my mind going back–

One of my favorite Christmas memories was making homemade Christmas ornaments with my mom and brother. Sometimes my grandmother, aunt, and cousins would join us. Sometimes we would make them on Thanksgiving Day. We would play Christmas music and cut and paint and glue and glitter. We would watch colorful plastic shrink in the oven until it became a quarter of its original size (anyone else remember the wonder of shrinky-dinks?) I especially remember the felt ornaments we tried one year. There was the Christmas tree with the rick-rack garland and the ornament shape with glued sequins and ribbon decorating it. I am pretty sure my mom still hangs some of these handmade ornaments each year on her tree.

I remember coloring with my brother. Every year we would buy the same matching Christmas coloring books. Its pages held a story about a girl and a boy and Santa. We would lay on the floor on the brightly-colored blue, red, green, and gold afghan my grandmother had crocheted, listening to Alvin and the Chipmunks while we colored in our coloring books with a brand new box of Crayola crayons. I always colored the girl’s hair a golden yellow.

I also remember my very favorite song called Christmas Chopsticks sang by Bobby Vinton on my very favorite Christmas album called a Very Merry Christmas. I think it was an album put out by a hardware store. Remember those? I used to play that record over and over again. Jim Nabors (i.e. Gomer Pyle) sang a song on the album in a deep bass voice. It was nothing like his Gomer Pyle voice at all.

And one of my fondest memories is spinning around in circles to Christmas music. My brother and I would try to stay on the blanket (yes, the same brightly colored afghan) and twirl and twirl until we got dizzy and we fell down. If any part of our bodies left the blanket we would be the loser. It was a made up game we loved. We did that every Christmas for years.

I remember my dad taking forever to get ready on Christmas morning. We kids would sit there in anxious anticipation, lining up our presents in the order we would want to open them. And then re-lining them up again. We would shake them and stare at them, trying to guess what was in each brightly colored package. And then we would re-line them again. After what seemed like an eternity, my dad would slowly walk down the steps, smiling. It was just part of our family’s tradition and we loved it!

And I remember my uncle Dave, pretending to be Santa and the excitement and expectation of him walking through the door– even though I knew he wasn’t really Santa. I remember family gathering, and laughing, and playing games, enjoying one another’s company. I remember mounds and mounds of yummy Pennsylvania Dutch food. We were not a gourmet family by any sense of the word and the foods that were prepared would make any healthy eater shudder, but I still, to this day, enjoy a good carbohydrate-laden holiday meal.

You know what I don’t remember?

I don’t remember any of my gifts. Oh, wait–I take that back. There was one Christmas that I wanted my own phone “real bad”. Back then, of course, that meant running wires and putting in another line. My mom thought it would be funny to put a play phone in a box and wrap it up. I still vividly remember opening that blue play phone with its rotary dial. I actually didn’t think it was that funny.

But I don’t remember many other gifts. It wasn’t that I didn’t get gifts. My mom loves Christmas and we were never disappointed (except for that phone incident!) But now I can see that the gifts weren’t really what was important about Christmas.

For Christmas is most importantly about Jesus coming to earth as a babe to save the lost. It’s about God sending His Son into this fallen, sinful world to grow up to be a man and then die on a cross for sinners. It’s about that Son rising again with victory over sin and death. Christmas is a big part of the plan of salvation, that is available to all people, through God’s grace and mercy.

But Christmastime is also about family coming together, forgetting for a brief time the cares and problems that keep us apart. Christmas is about spending time together, making memories and loving one another. I didn’t have a perfect family. My mom’s family was not perfect and neither was my dad’s. There were serious issues going on in my extended families, unbeknownst to me at the time. But I am so thankful for family members who could enjoy one another’s company for a few hours each holiday season to make beautiful memories for the child that was me. What a blessing.

As we look at our Christmas gift list for the tenth time this year, stressing over all we still have to buy, let us remember that Christmas isn’t really about the gifts under the tree, after all.

Let’s try to bring joy and hope to our family gatherings this year. Let’s not discuss topics that will start arguments. Let’s ignore the sharp tongue of that critical family member. Let’s overlook the faults of another for this short time. Let’s act and react with grace and kindness. Let’s give our families the gift of peace.

Let’s plan some fun activities — make some ornaments, play a few games, take a drive to look at lights, complete a Christmas puzzle, or read a Christmas story— anything that will make great memories and strengthen our family relationships. Let’s give our families the gift of happy memories.

And let’s focus on what matters. Let’s be sure our children know why we celebrate Christmas. Let’s keep Christ at the center of it all. Let’s strive to please our Lord and Savior all through the year. Let’s give our families the gift of a life lived for Jesus.