Family

Steel Rods (and why they do not belong in a marriage)

2 Comments / April 25, 2015

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I could almost feel the hot, molten metal filling my spine. At first, came the searing heat of anger.

“You can’t tell me what to do!”

“Who do you think you are, anyway?”

“If you love me, you would consider my point of view.”

The red, liquid metal hardened to solid, unyielding steel as the days passed and my thoughts frequently turned to the topic of debate. I felt my heart harden right along with my spine. I wasn’t moving. We had come to an impasse, my husband and I.

What were we going to do about it?  Because– did I mention this already?–I wasn’t moving.

I felt a flutter of discomfort–perhaps the Holy Spirit–move in me. I ignored it. I went on with my daily activities like everything was fine. As did my husband. Every now and then we would try to talk about it.  And get nowhere. Finally, I think we both gave up.

A couple of weeks later, we were able to talk more about it.  I was able to state my valid points in a kind and open way, instead of with an angry finality. I think he really did hear me and we came to an agreeable understanding about the topic, for the most part.

But I still couldn’t pray. Any efforts at prayer couldn’t get beyond the white ceiling above my head. What was wrong, Lord? Why didn’t I feel at peace with You?

I tried to figure it out. My mind glossed over the steel rod already hardened somewhere deep within. It couldn’t be that.

“Lord, you have to understand.  I know my husband is the leader, but…You can only expect so much, Lord.”

My excuses went on inside my head for a day or two. But I knew what was keeping me from fellowship with God. I finally submitted to Him and to my husband’s leadership. When I had confessed  my sin, I prayed that God would provide a private moment with my husband so that I could apologize. God graciously granted me this often scarce blessing almost immediately and I humbly apologized to my husband.

Did that mean I had changed my opinion about the topic we had heatedly disagreed on? No, not even a bit. But I found that discussing my very strong feelings on this subject with kindness and openness and listening ears made a huge difference in not only that one particular conversation but in the status of our relationship. Instead, I had chosen to plant my feet in concrete and had single-handedly launched our marriage into some very difficult weeks.

I am sharing my experience here as a wife with her husband.  But, let’s not forget that men do this, too.   Men, please do not use your God-given role as leader to excuse a steel rod within you. Speaking words like “I am the leader, you are to be submissive and do as I say” will build a high wall between you and your wife before you can even spit out that sentence. Your wife is quite familiar with that steel rod of yours. And she feels quite lonely and unloved because of it. If you love your wife, show her how important she is by asking for her thoughts and opinions on things. Show her you care enough to listen.

There is just no room for steel rods in either spouse in a godly marriage. Steel rods make for very lonely people living in the same house. If something is so important that you are willing to sacrifice the health of your marriage on the altar of it, you’d better make sure it is worthy of that sacrifice. Did your wife ask you to lie on your tax return?  Did your husband ask you to steal something?  It had better be that serious.

We need to lovingly listen to one another.  And when we come to an impasse or a disagreement that just can’t be bridged, then the husband needs to lovingly assert his God-given authority and the women needs to humbly submit to that authority.*

And don’t forget to pray together.  And pray for each other. If you and your spouse are struggling through something and you feel really strongly about it, speak softly** and pray that your husband or wife would really hear you.  And be humble enough to ask the Lord to show you if you are the one who needs to change your mind.

Love, kindness, and humility bring not only a lasting marriage but a healthy marriage. Let’s strive to have healthy, long-lasting marriages. Let’s show the world that marriages modeled after God’s Word are not only different but, oh, so rewarding!

*Ephesians 5:22-33: 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. 28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. 30 For we are members of His body,[d] of His flesh and of His bones. 31 “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”[e] 32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

**Proverbs 15:1:   A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Roller Coaster Ride

Leave a Comment / August 11, 2011

Somehow my son and I had chosen the wrong line. We had chosen the line for “single” riders to go in the front car.  This was not good.  He was about 8, so I wasn’t planning on going on this Monster Coaster without him.   But, despite my plans, here we were.  We were each going alone.  I will never forget getting to the top of that steep incline, in the front of the highest coaster I had ever been on, not being able to even see the track in front of me, the drop was that drastic.  I glanced out over the beautiful scene spread out below me for a second and then…off I went on one of the wildest amusement park rides of my memory.

I have felt a little like life is like this.  We get a split-second to enjoy the blessings…and then we are off on another wild ride.  Sometimes when the ride is over, the scenery is the same.  Most often, though, it is not.  While on the ride, someone we love is gone from our life or we have had to move to a different town or change jobs.  And sometimes the ride is actually a good thing…a new baby or a wedding.   But one way or another, we usually do not return to the same life we started in.

And sometimes…we get on rides we just didn’t want to go on.   We kick and scream…but there we are…locked into that rollercoaster car, high above everything, with no path of escape.

For some reason, this week I have been thinking about the Jews during the Holocaust who were taken away in the train cars.  Many of them were quite cultured and very wealthy.  And, when very gradually, they realized they were the target of a madman, it was too late for many of them to leave Germany.  And, all of a sudden, many of them were thrown onto a roller coaster ride that was their last one.

But, did you notice, no matter how terrible or tragic the ending–a roller coaster ride does end?  It does not last forever.  You do get off.  Sure, sometimes you get right back on…but sometimes you get a breather.

But this is life.  We have to face it.  We can’t live on last year’s roller coaster.  We can’t waste time dreaming about future roller coasters.  We need to appreciate and grow from the roller coaster we are on now.   Right now.  At this moment.  Because you all are on some sort of ride.  Maybe it is a milder ride…maybe it is wild and crazy.  But at the end of whatever ride you are on…your children will be older, you will be a little bit (or a lot) different, and the scenery will have shifted just a bit.

Let’s all hang on and try to enjoy it as best we can!

Choices

Leave a Comment / August 8, 2011

The little boy jumped up and down on his bed excitedly.   He was going fishing with Daddy after his nap!  He had jumped the blue and red comforter almost all the way off of the bed by the time Daddy scolded him.   Daddy told him to rest a few hours and then they would go.  He laid down and tried to close his eyes.  Meanwhile, Daddy told Mommy that he had to run out to do an errand, or to go hunting, or to see a friend.  Mommy believed him.  Instead, Daddy was headed somewhere else.

I can’t help but wonder if this was the story behind the minivan I saw parked at the “adult” store we passed on the way home from a trip away yesterday.

Lives destroyed by our choices.  Not only our own lives are affected by our choices, but the lives of our families.  In this case, it is a choice to visit an “adult” store.   Instead of working things out at home, it is easier to just run away.  But, even if we have no inclination to visit an “adult” store…EVER…we still have choices to make, don’t we?  Choices that affect those around us.

Choices as damaging as lingering over coffee with a co-worker of the opposite sex long after business has been discussed.  Or perhaps it is something as simple as choosing to watch TV instead of playing and having fun with your kids.  But both of these decisions have consequences.

Choices based only on our own selfish desires are almost always destined for bad consequences.

I can remember years ago, when I was in the habit of turning on Oprah, an episode about “successful” women.   Most of these women were heads of multi-million dollar companies or had developed wonderful charities.  There was one thing each of these women had in common.   If I remember correctly, I think all of them had gotten divorced through the process of fulfilling their “dream”.

They had made a choice to “follow their hearts” and had chosen their desires over their families.  They were praised and applauded for making this choice by the world.

But if they could do it again, would they find it worth it?   Were they really happy?  Or were those plastered smiles on their made-up faces covering a whole host of hurt, pain, and questions?  Who determined that being the head of a multi-million dollar company deserves the praise of the world but choosing the selfless way of being a wife and mother does not?

If I am being honest here, and I may as well be, or you won’t even want to read what I am writing…I really struggle with making selfish choices.  Oh, not the big things…but in the little things.  The things that reap small, negative consequences…like strained relationships.  And almost every time I make a choice based on my selfish desire, without care for anyone else’s feelings or thoughts on the choice, I find myself in the midst of arguments, hurt feelings, and chaos.

You see, the world will tell you to focus on yourself and what YOU want.  This message is plastered on billboards.  It is on almost every reality TV show.  It is the message of many a magazine article.  We find this message everywhere.  We find it everywhere– except in the Bible.  Not once in the Bible do I find a command to think of myself first when making a choice.   It is always about thinking of God first.  Of others first.

A difficult command to live out in today’s culture.

Pay Attention

Leave a Comment / August 4, 2011

One Saturday last summer, we were all busily doing our own thing, when my husband received a call on his cell phone.  He was greeted by an unfamiliar voice.    A kind stranger had found our lab, who had run off, and this kind stranger had worried about her, took the time to stop and read her tag, and brought her home.

The thing was:  we didn’t even know she was gone!  We were so busy working and doing our own thing that we hadn’t even missed our precious puppy.

I wonder if sometimes our relationships with our children don’t end up like that, if we aren’t careful.  We are so busy doing our own thing and then one day we look up and our child has turned into an adult…and we realize that we have lost them.

Sometimes we can find them again and then move on together.  Sometimes we cannot.

Have you ever felt a wall building between you and your child?  A wall of bitterness?  A wall of anger?  A wall of discouragement?  Or distrust?  It is never there instantly.  It is one block at a time, so that you barely notice.  And then one day, the wall is so high that you can’t even see each other.

The only way we can really keep that wall from growing that high is to pay attention.  We can never let our guards down.   We need to nip issues in the bud.  We need to forgive.  We need to truly work at understanding.  And we need to listen to what our children are saying…by their mouths and by their behavior.

So what does this mean in a practical sense?  Let’s talk about younger children.   Listen to them!  Listen to them!  Listen to them!   When they drone on and on about their lego creation or their trip to the park or their dollhouse family, listen to them!  And not the “uh huh” while your eyes stray back to your laptop or dishes.  Stop, look them in the eye, and listen to them.   Of course, sometimes you can’t do this, because the baby is crying or you have chores that can’t wait, but do it as often as you can.  When I had younger children, my mom always told me, “listen to your children now, so that they will talk to you when you really need to hear what’s going on”.  So far, that advice has really been a blessing to our family.   And keep the boundaries firm and in place…don’t waver.  Kids need this.  They act like they hate it, but they really don’t.  If you have a rule, keep it place firmly and let the kids know that they have a safe place to be…not one with boundaries that move all over the place, where they never know what to expect.

And what about about teenagers?  I am still learning in this particular area, but here are a couple of things I have learned.  Teenagers need to feel heard.  Even if you need to pull the “parent” card in the end, your kids will be grateful if you hear them first.  And, then, when you cannot change your mind, they need an explanation.   Use God’s Word to explain why you don’t think it is a good idea.  And don’t be so proud that you don’t change your mind, sometimes.  Maybe it is something that really doesn’t matter.   Picking battles is so important.  If your child is quiet and doesn’t want to talk, be respectful of that.  But be ready to talk when they are ready…and it is usually at 11pm.   Love them enough to stay up and really listen.

These are a couple of ways to keep our fingers on the heartbeat of what’s going on in the lives of our kids.  So that someday a stranger doesn’t show up one day and say “Hi.  I am your kid”!

Things I wish I would’ve known when I was 20

2 Comments / October 28, 2014

20I was thinking the other day of some of the things that, had I known them when I was 20, would have made life much more enjoyable.    Here are some of the things I would tell my naive 20 year old self, if it was possible-

1.  Let it roll. If someone says something that offends you or doesn’t buy you a gift (even though you bought them one) or steals your boyfriend or simply says something that just irritates you just let it roll. Because life is just too short for grudges.

2. The greatest personal satisfaction comes from giving–not getting.

3. You are not overweight! Just because you don’t look like a magazine cover or a movie star doesn’t mean you are overweight. Appreciate the body you have now, because it won’t last.

4. Stepping out of your comfort zone will often yield incredible rewards.

5. Appreciate your parents. They have given more of themselves than you could ever realize. Don’t take that for granted. Don’t be so wrapped up in your own affairs that you forget they have feelings, too.

6. Expect good times less often. Appreciate them much more.

7. Don’t assume you know why someone is acting or reacting in a certain way. It is hard enough to understand your own motives, much less someone else’s.

8. Face your fears head-on!

9.  You don’t need a loan to buy a car or a piece of furniture. Live on what you make.

10. Just because someone tells you your nose is too big or your feet are too small, doesn’t mean its true. Find your worth in Jesus Christ, not in the opinions of others.

11. Money doesn’t make you happy.

12.  Don’t dwell on your fears and worrisome details of life. Figure it out as best you can, do what you can to resolve the problem, pray hard, and then think about something else.

13. You will blink and life will be half over. Savor every single moment of it.

This list certainly isn’t exhaustive. Feel free to comment below and add some of the things you wish you would have known!

Floating the right direction

Leave a Comment / July 25, 2011

It was so HOT.  Even in the mountains.  So we grabbed some tubes and headed to the creek.  We were floating gently along, feeling the warm sunshine on our faces, when I felt someone bump into me.   My good friend had purposely pushed her husband’s tube away from hers inadvertently towards me.  She quipped, “I meant to push him away but not towards another woman!”  and we joked about the symbolism of that and I told her it would probably end up in one of my blogs.  And here it is!

I couldn’t let that one go.  We do that, don’t we?  We gently push our spouse away.  We don’t plan to push them towards someone else’s arms.  That is truly not our intention.  Perhaps we just are struggling through something we don’t want to share with them (which is never a good idea, anyway) or maybe we tend to be more solitary and like to be alone or maybe we work too much or focus too much on the kids instead of our spouse.

Sometimes we just would rather watch TV than listen to our best friend talk about his golf game or her trip to the mall.  We are too lazy to get up off the chair and look at something they created or fixed or found.

Or perhaps we have become much more comfortable at sharing the negative about them and the positive about others.   When men tell their wives they are too fat or too skinny or their feet or nose are too big…that is like giving his wife a giant push away from him.  And when a wife tells her husband that “you don’t know what you’re doing” or jokes about his faults in front of their friends…she is doing the same.   We need to be so very careful with our words.

And, finally, one day, after years of bad communication patterns, we wake up and our spouse is in someone else’s arms.  They are looking towards someone else to meet their needs for love and respect and passion.   If they aren’t needed at home then they will go somewhere else.  It happens over and over again…each and every day.  It is one of the most tragic events in existence.  Families crumble, children suffer.

A successful marriage takes so much work.   And we make choices to keep our spouse close or to push them away every day.  Every marriage goes through cycles, but if it is made up of only pushing away it means your inner tubes are floating further and further away from each other.  And the further you float away, the harder it is–the more work it is– to swim back towards each other again.

But it is worth the work!  No matter where you find yourself.  And today is a good day to start!  If you have been struggling giving attention to your spouse, make today a new beginning!  Listen to them today.  Be kind.  And keep that inner tube close to yours, before they float away out of sight!

When right feels wrong

Leave a Comment / June 27, 2011

It is so much easier to do the right thing if our percentages for a positive outcome increase.  For example, drinking and driving leads to a much greater chance of an accident…succumbing to a fit of anger leads to strife within your family…stealing could lead to an arrest and jail time.

But…it gets a little harder to do the right thing when the percentages for a positive outcome look a little fuzzy…or even downright nonexistent.  What happens then?   When you have a friend who is living in sin, do you confront them in love, like the Bible tells us to?  Or what about a child who says they will “hate” you if you don’t let them do “X”?  Do you stand up for what’s right, even in the face of that heart-breaking statement?

You see, when we choose to do what’s right, we do not always have instant gratification.  We do not always see the benefit of that right away.  And, frankly, sometimes we never see the benefits.

Many, many years ago, I watched someone confront someone about something that was sinful in their life.  It was done with love and grace.  But it didn’t really matter…because that person’s heart was hard.  And the relationship between them was affected permanently.   To my knowledge, it was never restored.  So, did the person who did the confronting do the right thing?  Yep.  Did they have a positive outcome?  Nope.

But sometimes you just have to wait for awhile to see the positive outcome.  Like, take me, for instance.  I have written in journals since I was in 6th grade.  One day, while dealing with my own teenagers, I decided to read over what I had written as a teenager. What I found there was surprising.  I did not remember the anger…true anger…I felt towards my parents when I was not allowed to do certain things.   The anger was shocking!  But here I was, 30+ years later, and it had all faded.   The only feeling that was left in me was deep appreciation and a grateful heart for my parents’ solid commitment to be obedient to the Lord above all.

So often we find ourselves caving in to the “possible outcomes”  instead of doing the right thing.  We think through all of the possibilities.  And then we grow scared.  And we do nothing.   But, in the long run, we pay.   That friendship you are guarding will grow weaker as you and your friend travel in different directions.  That child, who is crying out for boundaries (no matter what their mouth is saying), will often walk away from God, figuring it just doesn’t matter.

But not everything needs a conversation, either.  After much experience, I have learned to speak up with much more hesitation and discernment.   Let’s be honest–some things…many things…are not worthy to be confronted.   And many people who are outside your intimate circle have no interest in listening to you (unless you are their pastor or another spiritual leader).  We need to be wise!

If we determine that we need to take the step for a conversation, here are a few other questions to ask that are helpful:  Is the sin I see habitual?  Is the person committing the sin truly committed to the Lord?  Will this sin destroy their life if they continue on in this path?

Doing the right thing is not always easy.  In fact, it is often the opposite.  But we need to strive to do the right thing in all circumstances.   Not just when we can rely on positive results.   Easier said  than done.

2 Thessalonians 3:13  But as for you, brethren, do not grow weary in doing good. 14 And if anyone does not obey our word in this epistle, note that person and do not keep company with him, that he may be ashamed. 15 Yet do not count him as an enemy, but admonish him as a brother.

On traveling to a third world country

Leave a Comment / April 26, 2017

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I spent last week in Haiti with my family.  When we arrived at Port Au Prince, it was with great fear and trepidation, as none of us had ever been to a third world country.  As we traveled from the airport to the compound where we were to stay, our eyes beheld unbelievably sad conditions.  From the makeshift tent communities set up everywhere to the little boxes they called “bathrooms” to the men standing on the streets because of a 75% unemployment rate.  It was hard to take it all in.  As our eyes scanned the countryside, we saw half built buildings, the place where they buried 200,000 victims of the earthquake in a mass grave, and cattle, donkeys, and goats anywhere and everywhere, all with their ribs clearly showing.  As we observed, we talked about the hopelessness we saw in the country. Can this country ever be “fixed”?

But during the course of the week, we realized that our job (and the job of the missionaries serving there) is not to fix the country.  It is to share the gospel and minister to our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.

It reminds me so much of that story where the the father and daughter were walking along the seashore among thousands of stranded sea stars.  The father started throwing them back in the ocean one by one.  The little girl looked at her father and sadly said, “you aren’t even making a difference”.  And the father, with great wisdom, replied: “it makes a difference to that one”.   I thought of that story often this week.  It makes a difference to that one.  We were there to minister to whomever God put in front of us.  In is His sovereignty,  He knew whose heart was ready to hear the gospel.  He knew who needed encouragement to keep going.  Because He knows everything.

And the interesting thing was…while we were there to minister to the Haitians, they in turn ministered to us.  The joy in the lives of the Christians there is a wonderful thing seldom seen here in America.  The warm hugs given without reservation to a stranger would be unusual here.

Sure, they have lots of problems, even in their Christian communities.  And only being there a week gave us little insight into the working of the communities.  But it was with great humility that I observed the grateful eyes and heard the soft spoken “mercis” with which they took a bag filled with rice and beans that would feed their family for at least a month.   And I felt great shame over the things I find myself complaining about.   We are living so far above survival here in the states that we have lost track of what truly matters.

You see, life is really not about us.  Most of us Christians will walk around saying that with our mouths…but do our lives match our words?  I know that I, personally, love my comfort zone.  But what if that comfort zone is not where God wants me?   Are we willing to go where He asks?  Whether it be to a different country,  the inner city here in America, or to bring foster children into your home?  What are YOU doing to further God’s Kingdom?

Luke 12:48b says “For everyone to whom much is given, from him much will be required; and to whom much has been committed, of him they will ask the more.”  No matter your economic status here in the United States…even if you are on welfare…you have more than 80% of the rest of the world.  You have been given MUCH.  What are you doing with what you have been given?  It is a question that should truly be considered by all of us.

5 Things We Can Learn from Children

Leave a Comment / May 22, 2015

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The other night my daughter was babysitting a one year old. The adorable little girl came into our home, looked around, and made herself at home. She smiled at all of us, started eating the dinner that was being fed to her, and was content. It led to a conversation at our dinner table about how little children can just come into a strange home and feel right at home and how we, as adults, can’t do that. It got me thinking about a few things we can learn from children who are blissfully unaware of all of the social implications of their actions–

1)  No pretensions.  Have you ever talked with a little child? They are who they are. They are not strutting around pretending to be someone they are not. There is no wondering if the child is upset or happy or angry. We always know, don’t we? There hasn’t been years of wall-building and hypocrisy to dig our way through. While I am not suggesting it is healthy to express our emotions at every opportunity, I am suggesting that I think this world and our churches would benefit greatly if we would stop trying to impress one another. So many of us have built these thick walls around our hearts and lives. What would happen if we would tear our walls down and get real?

2) Live in the Moment. Have you ever seen a little guy dance to a tune that was playing? It is a joy to see the little legs bouncing up and down, as they try to move to the beat. But somewhere along the way, we forget to dance. We forget to enjoy the moment. We get wrapped up in taking kids to soccer, in paying the bills, in doing the housework. You know the old saying–Stop and smell the roses? Perhaps we should do that more often in life. Just stop and enjoy the moment. Enjoy watching the birds in your backyard. Enjoy petting your dog for a moment.  Watch your child chase butterflies and hunt bugs. Stop and really watch your husband wrestling with the kids. Grab a hand and dance joyfully to the song playing. These are beautiful moments the Lord gives us. Let’s not take them for granted. Those fleeting moments are what make up  the tapestry of our vaporous lives.

3) Eat until your full. Children do not continue to stuff themselves after they are full.  They only eat when they are hungry.  They obey the mechanism that God so intelligently designed and when their bellies feel hungry, they eat. And when they feel full, they stop eating. Somewhere along the way, many of us have stopped obeying that mechanism. It’s breakfast time? Then I have to eat, even if I am not hungry. I am at a party with a table full of delicious food? I have to try some, even if I just ate a complete meal before I came. I wonder what would happen if, as adults, we continued to obey our hungry and full signals?

4) Don’t Let the Fear of Others’ Opinions Rule You.  Some of my favorite “mommy” moments were when I could get my babies to start giggling. They would give this big belly laugh, filling my heart with pure joy. They didn’t worry what anyone was thinking about them.  They didn’t worry about if they were cool or look around, wondering if someone noticed that they “snorted”. Because it didn’t matter.  They were having fun! So often, we let the fear of others’ reactions dominate our choices. While I understand that we do need to be concerned about others and about our Christian testimony, sometimes we may be concerned about unimportant things. Does it really matter if the neighbor thinks you are crazy for catching fireflies at dusk? Does it really matter if you play a game and people make fun of how you run (personal experience on that one!)? Does it really matter if you fall on the ice? Or if your hair gets wet?  So often we let the fear of people’s opinions and reactions keep us from enjoying our lives.

5) Be okay with the way God made you. Ever see a baby wear make-up? Or get plastic surgery?   So, let’s be honest. If you are like me–aging quickly–you are not feeling so adorable. Many of us won’t even leave the house without make-up. But why not? Why do we feel the need to have something on our faces to face the public? Why do so many feel the need to enlarge or reduce areas of their body through plastic surgery? Why isn’t the way God made us good enough? Instead of being grateful for the incredible body God designed, we complain that our noses are too large, our hair is too curly, our legs are too short, our hips, too narrow or too wide. But children are not conscious of this yet. They just are.  Sometimes I wish we could appreciate the amazing body we have been given without the constant attitude of criticism that almost every woman (and man??) feels when they look in the mirror.

Unfortunately, real life takes its toll and, sooner rather than later, we all learn some pretty hard lessons. People can’t be trusted. The way I look isn’t good enough. You know the dialogue. But perhaps we can learn just a few things from the children in our lives.

Just a thought for today…

On love and respect…and tone of voice

1 Comment / May 26, 2011

The other day, as I was shopping in the store, I heard a woman’s voice say, “You bring too much junk food into the house.  You have to stop it”.  Or something like that.  But her TONE of voice said “You stupid idiot, what is wrong with you?! ”  I turned to see who she was speaking to and found an older couple.  The woman was speaking in this condescending, holier-than-thou, tone to her husband, who was shuffling behind her with his head down.  What is wrong with this picture?  This is one of many times I have seen a person treat someone who should be…at one time probably was…the love of their life with condescension and unkindness.

Have you ever seen spouses treat each other like this?  Have you ever treated your spouse like this?  I know I have.  I recognized the tone of voice the woman was using, because, sadly, I have used it on occasion.   But if we get in the habit of treating our spouse this way, we are essentially adding bricks to a wall that will grow taller and stronger with each incident.  And, if we are not careful, it will end up casting a dark shadow over the relationship, eventually drowning out the light.  We need to constantly be on guard against treating our spouses in this way.

And this goes for your private moments, too–just because you are a model wife or husband in public does not mean you are treating them with love and respect at home.  Many is the couple who look so happy on the outside, but their true relationship is quite the opposite.   And, oftentimes, the breakdown in these relationships started when we stopped treating one another with respect and kindness.

The other day, I came across a couple I had never met.  The woman had to leave for a moment and the husband proceeded to spout off several unkind remarks about his wife, then rolled his eyes when he told me they had been married 50 years.  I got the impression that he felt like the last 50 years had been a mild form of torture.  The only thing that made him light up was when I asked about his grandkids.  When the woman returned, she gave me the impression that she was unpleasant and bossy.  From the outside, it looks as if this couple has lost all respect and love for one another.  It was heart-breaking.  I wonder if all of those years of treating one another with disrespect and unkindness had changed a couple who had pledged to love one another for eternity to two people that couldn’t stand one another?

If this is something you struggle with (and, if we are honest, many of us do, at least on occasion), why not sit down and have a heart to heart with your spouse and ask them if they feel like they are loved and respected?  And, if not, why not?  Find out if your words have degraded them…discouraged them…disheartened them.  And if they work up the courage to be completely honest with you, do not make excuses.   Do not grow defensive.   Listen carefully.  Apologize.

Treat your spouse with love and respect.  Honor them.  Be grateful for the way God made them.  Remember why you fell in love.  And, in the process, let’s be a shining example of marriage as God created it.  Let’s show the world that it is possible to be in love for a lifetime!

Ephesians 5:22-33

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