Family – Page 16 – Growing 4 Life

Mixing It Up Right

4 Comments / May 18, 2013 May 18, 2013

Yesterday I finally made time to color my hair. Yes, I color my hair. If I didn’t, it would be three {very unattractive} shades darker and streaked with gray. I’ll go gray…eventually. Just not quite ready for that yet. ANYWAY…

As I sat there on the floor in the bathroom waiting the set amount of time for the color to process (45 minutes to cover gray) I couldn’t help but have some time to think. I remembered the time, probably at least seven or eight years ago now, when I really messed up this process. That was when I bought the boxed kits at Wal-Mart–before I discovered that you could buy much better hair color at Sally Beauty Supply.

In the kits were three tubes–color, developer, and conditioner. The key was to mix the color and developer together and, after the set amount of processing time, to use the conditioner after it was rinsed out. Well, this time, I wasn’t paying very close attention (didn’t spend much time on me, homeschooling young kids) and I accidentally mixed the color with the conditioner. This wouldn’t have been a big deal if I would have caught it. I could have just went to the store and bought another box. But I didn’t catch it. Not until it had sat on my head for thirty minutes (didn’t have much gray back then) and I had rinsed it out and went to grab the conditioner.

Oh, no! Now what?

Well, I had no choice now, did I? I rinsed my hair out as best I could and proceeded to style it. Oh, my word! I had helmet hair in the very worst sense of the phrase. My hair lay, in all its lackluster and vapid glory, completely flat against my head. Hair full of body has never been my best feature, but that was…well, awful. For weeks afterwards, I had the flattest, dullest hair around. It was embarrassing. To say the least.

So why this incident came to mind yesterday, I have no idea. But for some reason I did think about how parenting is so much like this.

The color is God’s Word, the developer is living by God’s Word and a robust prayer life, and the conditioner is love and discipline. So follow along with my thinking here–

If we mix God’s Word with only love and discipline, but don’t have the life to match, we will raise kids who don’t see God making any difference in our own daily lives. If our kids are hearing God’s commandments in church or even from our own mouths, but then, in our daily lives, they are hearing us scream at each other or they are hearing offensive music on the car radio or they see the seething romance novel on our bedside table, no matter how much love and discipline we meter out, our parenting will fall flat.

We have to be who we want our kids to be.

Unfortunately, that is the way that works best. Oh, sure, sometimes, God is in His grace rescues a child from becoming like their parent–and we thank Him for that. But as I observe the world around me and the many hurting families, I wonder if our examples at home aren’t messing up our testimony in front of our own kids. Every time our kids hear us lie, every time we watch or listen to something that doesn’t glorify God, every time we treat our spouse with disrespect, every time we react in pure and unadulterated anger to our son or daughter’s childish mistakes, we destroy our testimony.

Parenting is such a wonderful privilege but it is no easy task. Remaining genuine and transparent in our own homes isn’t that difficult. But setting a godly example and pleasing the Lord with our choices and actions in our own homes–now that’s hard.

I don’t know if it’s always been like this, but I know I have to fight against my own selfish desires every day. This culture, where instant and complete gratification of any and all desires, reigns supreme, has crept into even the lives of us sincere Christians. I really have to work to keep God number one in my life instead of myself.

But, just like that hair color, if I mix it up wrong, it will not end well. And the big–the tremendous–difference is that, while my constantly growing hair provides me with second chances, we don’t have that second chance with our kids. We have to do it right the first time.

And that’s where the robust prayer life comes in, which is also a part of the very critical developer.

And then the conditioner, comprised of both love and discipline, makes this parenting thing go so much more smoothly.

Okay, so my analogy may not be all that great. Who knows where I come up with some of these things? But, at any rate, I hope I gave you a little something to think about on this day.

Peer Pressure Isn’t Just for Teenagers

1 Comment / May 13, 2013 October 12, 2019

The boy actually smiled at me. I was a lowly sophomore and he was a popular senior and he was smiling–at me! I glowed from that smile and eventually we started saying “hi” whenever we saw one another. As prom time approached, I dreamed for a little while but then realistically tossed the idea from my mind. There was no way that he would ask me. Until he did. He actually invited me to go to prom with him.

Only I wasn’t allowed to go to school dances.

While all of my friends and my parents’ friends’ kids went to prom, I was not allowed to go.

Funny thing is — I didn’t really care that much. I didn’t know the boy at all and foresaw an awkward, uncomfortable night ahead of me. I was actually glad I wasn’t allowed to go.

But my point here is: had I begged, pleaded, and screamed I still would not have been allowed to go. Even though “everybody” else was allowed to, I wasn’t.

My parents cared more about my spiritual well-being than they cared about my popularity.

I don’t know if your kids go to school dances and that’s not the point here. I feel blessed to have my kids at a Christian school where we don’t have that issue to even deal with. But many has been the time over the past ten years that we have had to be the unpopular parents because our kids weren’t allowed to go the coolest movie (rated R) or buy the latest video game (way too violent).

Our kids have been mocked, ridiculed, and told that their parents are way too strict. We have been distanced and told that we take entertainment way too seriously and that we judge others (even if we don’t say a word — I think it’s just by our standards).

Peer pressure is not just for teenagers. But if we don’t learn to withstand it as a teenager, it will grow even harder as an adult. That is why it is so important to teach our kids to stick with their convictions and to stand strong, no matter the cost–and then to set that example with our own lives.

This can only come when they understand that pleasing God is more important than pleasing self. If we can teach them (and show them by our own lives) that we are accountable to God and to use His Word to discern the best choices, then the rest will fall into place.

But sometimes we fail as parents. Big-time. In those moments, I am so very thankful for God’s faithfulness and for the privilege of prayer.

What is most important to you? That your child pleases God or that he is the star of the team? That she hold to her convictions or that she is the most popular girl in school?

There is something about us parents that drives us to want our kids to be the ones that everyone else wants to be like. And in our quest for this, we sometimes fall to peer pressure, because in our hearts we realize they won’t be popular if they don’t go to that movie, go to that dance, go to that party.

And it is true. As a kid, I wasn’t all that popular because of my parents’ rules. But all of these years later, I am deeply, deeply grateful for their protection. Because in the scope of life, it matters more that I developed a life of biblical conviction than that I was popular.

As parents, it is our responsibility to protect our kids. Even if they don’t want the protection (and some won’t, especially young teenagers). But if you stick to your guns, it gets better. By the way, be sure to tell your kids why these rules are made. Teenagers need reasons. A rule without a reason almost always leads to rebellion. Take your child to scripture and tell them why you are taking a stand.

And then, after many battles, there comes that wonderful, wonderful day when your teenager comes home and tells you about their opportunity to challenge their friends and to take a stand for discernment…the lost virtue. Those moments make all of the grief so worth it.

Oh, my kids still make choices sometimes that do not please me. But then I remember that I did the same thing as a young person as I tried to sort my way through this filthy culture. That’s where prayer takes over.

So stand strong, my friend. Don’t cave. Loving and pleasing God is so much more important than experiencing the fickle love of man.

A Letter to My Children

2 Comments / May 12, 2013 June 11, 2013

Being a mother was the only dream I had as a little girl. Oh, I know many women who aspire to be doctors, lawyers, politicians, and peace-keepers. But me–well, the only thing I ever truly wanted was to marry a godly man and have four children. Why God saw fit to make my dreams come true I will never understand, but I will always be grateful. On this Mother’s Day, I can honestly say that my children are an amazing blessing to me. All the work, the tears, the anguish, the angry words, the worry…they have all been worth it. As I have grown older as a mother, I have been challenged in my opinions and my priorities. Nothing has grown me up in Christ more than raising children. And, so it is with these thoughts that I write the following to my children —

I don’t care what grades you get or what school awards you win, as long as I know you are trying your very hardest.

I don’t care where you live, as long as I know you are serving the Lord with everything you are.

I don’t care what career you choose, as long as you are working hard and are keeping God and your family your top priorities.

I don’t care what you study or what degree you pursue, as long as studying God’s Word is always most important.

I don’t care what you watch, listen to, or read, as long as you choose with a heart that wants to please God more than wants to please self.

I don’t care what the world thinks about you, as long as God is pleased with your life.

I don’t care who loves you, but only how you love others.

I don’t care what accolades, awards, and contests you win, but only that you are a graceful loser and a humble winner.

I don’t care if you marry someone short or tall, plain or good-looking, as long as your choice loves God with all of their heart, soul, mind, and strength.

I don’t care if my grandchildren are child prodigies, I only care that you teach them to love Jesus with all of their being.

Life is short and the choices we make mold the next generation. I pray that you would be bold and spiritually strong and that you hunger for holiness and righteousness. I pray that God would give you a hatred for sin and that you will be prepared to face the battles and dark days that surely lie ahead. You four are such an incredible blessing to me. I am not sure you will ever truly understand…until you have your own kids. Until then, know that you can’t do anything that would keep me from loving you. And I am in your corner –maybe not always saying what you want me to, but urging you to glorify God with your life and to use your talents and life for Him.

I love you all so much.

Love, Mom

I shared this post here–

Face It (Part 2)

Leave a Comment / May 9, 2013 May 9, 2013

One of the most difficult things about standing up for the truth is figuring out what the truth really is. There are so many different interpretations and opinions and thoughts, that it can get a little crazy. For instance–

–Someone may think that putting red curtains in the church sanctuary is ungodly.

–Someone may think that driving a big SUV is a sin (I actually had someone say something similar to me when I was driving my Yukon XL).

–Perhaps someone thinks that eating certain foods is wrong.

–Someone else may think that all movie-going and TV-watching is sinful.

So, herein lies the question: How do I know if what I believe is actually truth or just my opinion?

There is and will always be only one way. We can only know truth by knowing what God’s Word says.

YES, I get that people have twisted and turned and interpreted and translated the Bible until it has become something that many people don’t trust and even more people don’t bother with (oh and, by the way, yes, it DOES matter what translation of scripture you use. Some have been seriously compromised.) However, I believe that we can stand firm on the biblical doctrines of old. I say this because of what Paul writes in 2 Thessalonians 2:15–

Therefore, brethren, stand fast and hold the traditions which you were taught, whether by word or our epistle.

I believe Paul is referring to sound doctrine here, the biblical, true Christianity taught since Jesus Christ came to earth, not meaningless traditions that hold men hostage.

There are many who are trying to redefine Christianity to make it more palatable and acceptable to the masses and so they’ve changed the meanings and interpretation of verses we have understood differently for two thousand years. That’s what we need to be very wary of. If it changes the way traditional Christian doctrine has been viewed through the ages, it is most likely not from God.

But, that being said, there are many times that we stand self-righteously on things that just do not matter.

My husband and I have run into this on many occasions while raising teenagers. In fact, often has been the time that I have been standing firmly, saying “NO, you may not do that,” when Eric (my husband) will look at me and ask, “Honey, really…why not?” And, I have to swallow my pride and concede when I come to the conclusion that I can give no biblical reason or principle to apply to the situation.

I can also think of several times that Eric, as a business owner and church board member, has chosen to concede on things he felt very strongly about, simply because they were not opinions derived from scripture.

If we are willing to compromise on these non-biblical issues, people will be more likely to listen to us when it is time to stand for biblical doctrine and principles. Humility and kindness and compromise go a long way and is critical for the stupid stuff in life that doesn’t matter if we want to be taken seriously about the stuff that does.

And when it’s hard to know the difference about if it’s right or if it’s wrong from a biblical standpoint, I’ll just be honest and let you know that I tend to err on the side of standing instead of caving. This is because God’s approval is so much more important to me than man’s.

God grant us the wisdom to know what is Truth worth standing for and what are the situations unworthy of a grand stand. We will only have respect and a listening audience when we know the difference.

p.s. If you haven’t read part 1 of this series, you can find it here.

Face It

2 Comments / May 6, 2013 July 18, 2023

I can’t remember where I heard this a few weeks ago, but wherever it was, I can’t stop thinking about it: The reason people refuse to face the truth is because it will cost them.

That is probably one of the most profound things I have heard in a very, very long time.

All of us have heard the excuses. But the bottom line, in most cases, is that facing the truth will cost something we don’t want to pay. And, many times, most of us don’t consider the greater cost at the end of the line.

I thought of this the other day when I watched a movie. It was an unrealistic, poorly cast movie about a couple who had adopted a little girl from an Eastern European country. In a few weeks, the wife came across some clues that this child was probably not an under-privileged child growing up in an orphanage, but instead a child maliciously stolen from her loving mother. As she dug further, she became sure that this was the case and went to a federal agent. At one point in their conversation the agent looked this brave woman in the eye and told her that the outcome for this would not be good for her. The child would most likely be reunited with her biological mother and she would go back to a life of waiting for a baby to become available. This was the time that she could choose to look the other way and move on with her new life of motherhood. No one would be the wiser. She could go home, treat this child as her own, and be a happy family.

Fortunately for the child’s biological mother, this woman had the character and the courage to do what would cost her the most. She faced the truth.

Oh, she and her husband tried to rationalize keeping the baby for a few moments: The baby would have a better life in America and they could give her so many privileges and opportunities that she would never have in her country. But when the decision had to be made, they bravely did the right thing.

Would we have done the same?

I would like to think so. But sometimes we can’t even face our teenagers. Our spouses. Our friends. Our bosses.

Most of us walk right by truth and try hard to ignore it. Consider these examples–

–Our child wants to do something which we know is not a good idea. We will often cave because the cost (them being mad at us or screaming “I hate you!”) is not a price we are willing to pay.

–We find out our boss or a co-worker is dishonest. We will often ignore it because the cost (getting embroiled in drama, being harassed, or losing our job) is not worth it.

Many times, we can’t even face ourselves. Because to look at ourselves honestly is to see a sinner. And most of us do not want to see that. Even if we are saved and came to that conclusion a long time ago, we don’t want to be reminded of it over and over again.

And so we just live as if everything is just fine. Except everything is not fine.

There are a few of us who wisely look down the road and see if we don’t face the truth now, it will cost us in the end and so we do face the truth head-on –at least in the things that affect us personally.

But when it comes to a boss (who cares?) or our church (it’s none of my business) or a friend (it’s their life) we are much less apt to be willing to stick our noses in.

We often don’t have enough love for our co-workers and friends and church family to do what will help them the most because of the cost to ourselves.

And, honestly, I’ll grant you this: it takes a lot of tact, careful words, kindness, love, and, most of all, courage, to speak the truth, even when it’s going to hurt our reputations or affect our comfort level.

But perhaps being able to see ourselves and the world honestly and then being willing to act on what we see is one of the most courageous and vital things we can do. Instead, many–if not most–of us have been molded by our culture to shy away from it. We have also been scared by our culture and what happens to people who stand for truth–especially for God’s Truth.

We don’t have to be a preacher to share God’s Truth, we just have to know it (by knowing His Word) and then share it and stand for it. It’s that simple. But it’s that difficult.

But let’s always remember this: The price we pay for speaking truth may be very, very dear. And through the journey we may have many questions. But God faithfully and lovingly cares for us when we do the right thing. Always. He comes alongside those who stand for what is right in a way that sometimes seems even miraculous. Yes, it is difficult, but God is faithful and it is worth it.

Wednesday Wisdom: The Incompatibility of Faith and Anxiety

2 Comments / May 1, 2013 May 1, 2013

In this current day it is not difficult to find something to worry about. The economy, financial woes, diseases and illnesses, the future of our country and the church, and struggling relationships are just a few things that can cause us to worry. But our generation doesn’t have the corner on the anxiety market. Throughout the ages, people have struggled with anxiety and fear. Thankfully, the Bible speaks to this sin (yes, it is a sin and not a disorder). In God’s Word we find that not even a sparrow falls unless it is God’s will. When we worry we forget just how big and powerful God is. We forget that His will, His timing, and His ways are not ours. Of course, this is so much easier to write than to live out. John MacArthur wrote a blog series on this topic on his Grace to You website last fall and I want to share one post here today. You can find a link to the whole series after this post. I hope you are challenged by this as much as I was–

If you worry, what kind of faith do you manifest? “Little faith,” according to Jesus (Matthew 6:30). If you are a child of God, you by definition have a heavenly Father. To act like you don’t, nervously asking, “What will I eat? What will I drink? What will I wear for clothing?” is to act like an unbeliever in God’s eyes (vv. 31-32).

Christians who worry believe God can redeem them, break the shackles of Satan, take them from hell to heaven, put them into His kingdom, transform their nature, and give them eternal life, but just don’t think He can get them through the next couple of days. That is pretty ridiculous. We can believe God for the greater gift and then stumble and not believe Him for the lesser one.

The Worrier Strikes Out at God

Some might say, “Why make a big deal out of worry? It’s just a trivial sin.” No, it is not. I suspect many mental illnesses and some physical illnesses are directly related to worry. Worry is devastating. But more important than what worry does to you is what it does to God. When you give in to worry you are saying, in effect, “God, I just don’t think I can trust You.” Worry strikes a blow at the person and character of God.

The Worrier Disbelieves Scripture

It breaks my heart to hear some Christians say, “I believe in the inerrancy of Scripture,” but then live as perpetual worriers. That’s blatant hypocrisy. It is incongruous to say how much we believe the Bible and then live in doubt and worry that God won’t fulfill what He has said in it.

The Worrier Is Mastered by Circumstances

When you or I worry, we are choosing to be mastered by our circumstances instead of by the truth of God. The uncertainties and trials of life pale in comparison to the greatness of our salvation. Jesus wants us to realize it doesn’t make sense to believe God can save us from eternal hell, but can’t help us in the practical matters of life. The apostle Paul reflects a similar desire in Ephesians 1:18-19.

I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe.

When you catch yourself worrying, go back to Scripture and have your eyes opened again.

The Worrier Distrusts God

When we worry, we are not trusting our heavenly Father. That means we don’t know Him well enough. Take heart—there’s an effective remedy: study the Word of God to find out who He really is and how He has supplied the needs of His people in the past. That will build your confidence in Him for the future. Stay fresh in God’s Word every day so that His truth is constantly on your mind. Otherwise Satan is apt to move into the vacuum and tempt you to worry about something. Instead, let God’s track record in Scripture and in your own life assure you that worry is needless because of God’s bounty, senseless because of God’s promise, useless because of its impotence to do anything productive, and faithless because it is characteristic of unbelievers.

Find this entire post here, and the entire series on attacking anxiety here.

The World of Unmet Expectations

4 Comments / April 29, 2013 April 18, 2015

This weekend I had the not-so-delightful opportunity to be on both sides of the expectation equation.

On one occasion, I fell woefully short of someone’s expectations of me. The feelings that arise in that situation — frustration, irritation–come rushing over me like a waterfall. I chafe a bit under expectations that I can’t possibly meet and grow quickly frustrated before eventually tossing the whole thing to the wind and trying to forget about it. But it does cause some blocks to be built in the dividing wall of a relationship.

And, then, I was on the other side, as well. I expected someone to do something and when they didn’t do it, those familiar emotions came whirling back into my heart and head. And again some block-building takes place.

Frustration and irritation and wall-building are all routine in the World of Unmet Expectations.

This world is fraught with other dangers, especially if it is a regular occurrence–

–breakdown of communication

–grudges

–anger

–vengeance

You see, we grow to expect certain things. We expect our kids to behave in a certain way, we expect our spouses to treat us in a certain way, we expect our family, friends, leaders, and pastors to do certain things. And the funny thing is–we all have very different opinions of what those expectations are.

Much of it is built during our childhood and what we saw in our homes and churches growing up. Some of it is built from the books we read and the movies we watch. And some of it is simply human nature.

But, wherever those expectations come from, they can cause serious chaos if we don’t make careful effort to keep them as a lower priority than the actual person we are expecting something from.

Let me give an example. Let’s say that I am expecting my child to do something and they choose not to do it. If I make my expectation more important than my child, then I will place myself at the center of the offense and yell and scream and altogether handle it badly. If I make my child more important than my expectation, then I will focus on what exactly needs to be fixed (if there was actually sin involved) and handle it calmly and rationally.

Many times expectations aren’t even sin issues, but simply two people who desire to do two different things.

I am sure you have heard the joke about the newlyweds who fight over the toothpaste tube. Should they roll it or just squeeze it? Or the toilet paper roll. Should it go over or under? That is all about expectations.

And in those situations, someone has to give. That has been a hard lesson for me over the years, one I continue to have to work on. When I have an agenda that includes someone else and they have a different idea, then I have to learn to release my expectations wholly and completely–no sarcastic or hurtful remarks, no sulking, no holding grudges.

When I can do that, my family and friends desire to spend time with me. If I can’t, then I become one of those people that they would prefer not to be around–because they can never make me happy.

Think about the last time you had an argument with someone. Was it over something serious or moral or was it just an unmet expectation of relative insignificance? Was it something that was worth standing on or something that was simply opinion?

We need to keep this in mind when the next situation crops its ugly head–which will probably be today, so let’s keep our eyes open, our hearts humble, and our minds ready!

If Walls Could Talk

Leave a Comment / April 22, 2013 April 22, 2013

Are you the same person both inside and outside of your home?

Aah…what a challenging question. I consider myself to be fairly open and honest with who I am. If you don’t like me, well, then, so be it. What I mean is: I’m not going to purposely offend you, but I am not going to pretend to be someone I am not just because you won’t like the real me, either.

But I can’t deny I am still a little different at home than I am out in public.

When someone does something that upsets me in public, I may frown a bit and fume a bit inwardly. If I am really upset, I may grit my teeth and grumble to my husband. On a very rare occasion, I will say something and try to keep my tone kind. Notice the word try.

But when I’m at home…well, that’s a different story.

A few months ago, I realized just how true this is. I was having a little fit of temper with a couple of my kids while their friend, unbeknownst to me, was waiting in our mud room. Although it is now a bit of joke among us all, it wasn’t very funny to me at the time. Actually, I was quite ashamed of myself.

And I had to ask myself–would I have had that fit of temper if I knew that friend stood listening to me? Absolutely not. I would have controlled myself.

Many of us tend to be very different people when we are around people we don’t know very well.

And it begs the question. What would our walls say about us if they could talk?

What would they say about–

—Our tempers?

–The websites we visit and the movies we watch?

–The tone of voice we use when we talk to our husbands?

–The way we treat our kids? Our parents? The salesperson on the phone? The neighbor who hates us?

What would the walls say about–

–The language we use?

–Our organization and cleanliness?

–Our Christian testimony in our homes?

–Our use of time?

Fortunately– at least for most of us–walls can’t talk.

In this Christian culture, there is so much emphasis on being real. Be real and show your struggles. Be yourself wherever you go. And while I think there is value in being honest in who we are, I don’t always want to show my real self to the public–because it’s not always pretty.

But I am not suggesting that we become fake at home.

No, I am suggesting that we allow the Lord to take control of our lives no matter where we are. That our appropriate reactions and kind responses, even in public, would come from our hearts instead of from social etiquette.

Because only then can we truly be the same genuine and godly person both inside and outside our home.

How to be a true friend

Leave a Comment / April 18, 2013 April 18, 2013

When asked to speak on the friendships of woman I got a little nervous. I have messed up and made many mistakes in the area of being a good friend. Thankfully, the Lord has used some of those mistakes to teach me. While I still have a lot to learn, I hope that I am a better friend today than I was twenty years ago.

One of the most important and helpful things I have learned regarding friendships is that I cannot control others. I can’t control if someone wants to be my friend. I can’t control their reactions or words or choices. I can’t control if they are nice to me or mean to me.

I can only control myself.

With that in mind, I offer this condensed version of what I spoke on this morning at a local MOPS group.

How do I become the best friend I can possibly be for my friends? How do I become a true friend to those who are so important to me? As a bonus, this is a great way to become a great husband or wife, as well!

I have used each letter in the word friend to remind us of a few of the characteristics of a true friend.

F – FORGIVE

Matthew 6:14-15“For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. ¹⁵But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Friendship is impossible without this word. In fact, ANY healthy relationship is impossible without this word. Forgiving can be very difficult. True and complete forgiveness can only come when God works in our hearts. If you have a friend you haven’t forgiven, pray about it. Ask for a forgiving heart.

R – REPAIR what’s broken

Ephesians 4:2-3with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love, endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.

Repairing is part of forgiveness. But it is also part of a normal relationships, where misunderstandings and hurt feelings abound. True friends make an effort to stay friends. Friendship takes work. If there is a falling out, someone needs to take the first step. Sometimes there isn’t really anything to be forgiven, but simply a misunderstanding. Someone needs to humble themselves first. You be that one. Be willing to apologize! YES, It can be awkward, uncomfortable, and downright unpleasant! And sometimes, it doesn’t go well.

But we need to do what we can do, as much as it up to us. I often think of that verse, in Romans 12:18–

If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.

You see, things don’t always turn out like we want. But that doesn’t excuse us from doing the right thing.

I – IMPROVE each other

Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, So a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.

I am not talking here about FIXING one another. None of us likes to be someone’s “project” (a good thing to keep in mind for spouses, too!) No, I am thinking more of the idea of helping one another become more godly. We should have an enhancing effect, rather than a detrimental one. And this is not only by giving godly advice or honest criticism, although there is occasionally a place for that.

No, it is more than that.

I can think of a dear friend immediately who makes me a better person just by being around her. She is godly and humble. She is joyful and pleasant. She says she wants to please the Lord in all she does and her life choices match her words. When I’m around her, it rubs off on me and she encourages me to be more godly without ever saying a word.

E – ENCOURAGE each other

Hebrews 10:24-25 And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works, not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching.

This is so important! Use your words to build your friends up. So often, we use the 15000+ words we speak per day to complain, gossip, or brag (build ourselves or our children up). But rarely do we use our words to encourage. There is so much competition between moms. I remember hearing it on the soccer sidelines. I remember hearing it in church groups. But we aren’t supposed to be in competition, we are supposed to be lovingly encouraging one another.

Oh, the power in our tongues! James puts it so succinctly in chapter 3, verses 4&5:Look also at ships: although they are so large and are driven by fierce winds, they are turned by a very small rudder wherever the pilot desires. ⁵Even so the tongue is a little member and boasts great things.

We can choose to build up or we can choose to tear down. I want to encourage with my words.

We can encourage with more than words, too. How about taking care of the children when our friend needs to be with her sick mother? Or taking a meal to them when they are sick? Or giving rides without expecting a returned favor? Perhaps it is just making time in our busy schedules for a cup of coffee or a lunch date together. There are so many ways we can offer encouragement to our friends.

N – NOTICE what’s going on

Matthew 10:29-31 Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father’s will. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.

The purpose of these verses is not to show us that Jesus cares about the little stuff but instead to show the absolute sovereignty of God. Not a sparrow falls without God knowing it. How amazing is that?! But am I stretching it to suggest that this shows that Jesus obviously does care about the details?

And if Jesus cares about the small stuff, shouldn’t we?

Let’s make an effort to notice the little stuff– our friend’s hairstyle change, her new shirt, her child’s new accomplishment–and offer kind words.

And let’s notice the not-so-little stuff– Perhaps you haven’t heard from your close friend for awhile. If this is unusual, call her and make sure she is okay. Perhaps she was unusually quiet when you ran into her at the store. Show her that you notice. If she doesn’t want to talk about it, just let her know you care and are praying (and then make sure you are!)

Noticing goes hand-in-hand with encouraging. We can’t encourage if we don’t notice what is going on in the lives of our friends.

D – DON’T DWELL on real or imagined offenses

I Corinthians 13:5 {Love} does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs (NIV)

So let’s say we are offended by something our friend says or does. It happens to all of us at one time or another. They speak sharply to our child (how dare they??) or they make a comment about our husbands or our homes or our family and we can feel the hackles go up in our neck. We grow quiet and we start sulking a bit.

Or we hear that somebody said that somebody said that SHE said she doesn’t think we are doing a good job raising our kids. And, suddenly, without knowing the context or details of the actual conversation, we have decided we don’t like HER after all.

But is that honoring to God?

We need to control our thoughts. We can’t dwell on our hurts and our real or imagined offenses.

Life is way too short for that. So they said something hurtful or did something you didn’t like. Do you imagine that you haven’t done the same thing at one time or another? We all do things without thinking sometimes.

Let it roll right off your back.

Long and lasting friendships depend on both of you being able to ignore offenses.

DISCLAIMER: Of course, there are some things that happen between people that need to be dealt with. That’s where forgiveness and repair come in. But I am talking here about the stuff people say that they don’t even realize is hurtful. They don’t realize their tone or how it sounds.

Or the stuff we hear that’s 15 people down the line. The exaggerated story is probably nothing like the actual truth and yet we get all up in arms and choose to end friendships over it. If you are going to choose not to talk with your friend about what you heard then your only other {healthy} option is to LET IT ROLL :)

In conclusion, this list is my no means exhaustive. I find myself wishing there was an “L” in the word friend because LISTENING is so very important in being a good friend. But this list will, hopefully, get us started thinking about how we can be a better friend.

Friendship is a beautiful gift from God. I have been so blessed through the years with many friendships. Even when I’ve been hurt and the relationship has been severed, I believe the hurt was worth the relationship. But I can’t talk about friendship without making sure to mention that we will never find our fulfillment in our earthly friendships. All friendships will disappoint us at one time or another.

Friends come and go, but Jesus is the friend that is always there. He will never leave you or forsake you.

Let me close by sharing the 2nd verse of the well-known hymn, What a Friend We Have in Jesus–

Have we trials and temptations?
Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged—
Take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful,
Who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness;
Take it to the Lord in prayer.

I truly hope you know Jesus as your Savior and friend. If you don’t but would like to know more about it, please feel free to e-mail me at leslie {at} growing4life {dot} com. I would be privileged to share God’s wonderful plan of salvation with you!

Looking Back or Looking Forward?

4 Comments / April 15, 2013 April 15, 2013

Sometimes you hear just the right sermon at just the right time.

That’s exactly what happened yesterday. The pastor didn’t know that I needed to hear his message. But God did.

You see, I’ve been spending quite a bit of time recently looking in the rear view mirror. Unexcited about what’s ahead of me and mourning what is past, I didn’t really think much of it. Just figured that it’s part of this time in my life. I certainly didn’t think that I was disappointing my heavenly Father with my longing looks back to the past.

But yesterday I realized that I need to stop looking in the rear view mirror and place my focus on what’s ahead of me. Here are a few points that really hit me as to why this is so important, straight from this sermon–

1) While some review of history is helpful (we’ve all heard the quote “those who ignore history are destined to repeat it), we need to be so very careful that this focus doesn’t turn into an obsession with regret, revenge, or remembering the “good ole’ days”.

2) Looking in the rear view mirror always leads to a focus on self–looking at my reflection, looking at what I’ve accomplished, how I’ve been hurt, what I have lost, my failures, my successes–it’s all about me. But when I look forward, that all fades and I can embrace the future and place my focus on God and others–right where it belongs.

3) Success and failure are always history. We can’t let our past successes define us. We can’t let our past failures destroy us.

4) We are told to look straight ahead in the scriptures. I am not sure why I never noticed these verses before. Notice the words in bold:

PROVERBS 4:23-27

²³Keep your heart with all diligence,
For out of it spring the issues of life.
²⁴Put away from you a deceitful mouth,
And put perverse lips far from you.
²⁵Let your eyes look straight ahead,
And your eyelids look right before you.
²⁶Ponder the path of your feet,
And let all your ways be established.
²⁷Do not turn to the right or the left;
Remove your foot from evil.

Let your eyes look straight ahead. Not behind you nor to the right or left. But in front of you. There it is–commanded right in scriptures.

Wow. Never noticed that before.

And so it is with humility that I realize that longing for the past is not only detrimental to me, but displeases my heavenly Father. Funny how you can be so blind to some things–and then one day, God opens your eyes.

I thank Him for showing me this. And now that my eyes have been opened, I have a responsibility to change my focus. It won’t happen instantly, but, thankfully, I know I don’t need to do it alone, but can be confident that the Holy Spirit will be with me, strengthening and guiding me.

Where is your focus today? Are you stuck in the past? In regret? Or thoughts of revenge? Or perhaps dwelling on past successes or failures? Let’s take our eyes off the rear view mirror this week and instead turn our eyes straight ahead towards our Savior and others.