It had been a long day.  I had taken my youngest daughter to the city zoo and we were exhausted.  I had worn a comfortable outfit and shoes to walk around all day and I am sure my hair was flat from all the heat and humidity.   I knew I wasn’t ready for any magazine cover or anything!

I had been looking for a specific piece of furniture and could not find it at home.  So we decided to stop at the Crate and Barrel store to look for it.   We looked around downstairs for a few moments and then headed upstairs to the furniture area.  As our escalator reached the top, there was a salesman standing there.   I will never forget his reaction.  He very deliberately looked us over from head to toe, decided we didn’t have money, and walked away.   I could almost see the wheels turning inside his head.

I wanted to run over and get in his face and let him know that I did have money to spend and who did he think he was, anyway?  But, of course, I restrained myself with a few evil glances towards him.  Yes, I know that wasn’t the best reaction, either!

Now, I am under no illusion that I am the classiest person around.   But to be “told” that by the salesman’s reaction to me was…if I am honest…a bit hurtful.  He had glanced at me, judged me, and then condescendingly written me off.

As I left the store, I wondered if I have ever made anyone feel like that?   Condescension can take many forms.  Before that trip to the store, I had always thought of it in terms of spoken words.  After that trip, I realized that condescension can be expressed without ever speaking a word.   And judgment can be made without ever knowing any facts, whatsoever.

We have all heard the quote:  “don’t judge a book by its cover” and we will flippantly quote it.   But we do judge others on outward appearance.   And, yet, so often our condescension is unwarranted…because it could very well be that the person I am so callously judging is smarter than me, richer than me, more talented than me.

That salesman made an incorrect judgment that may have cost him a sale.  I was really hoping to find the piece of furniture I wanted and deliberately go to a different salesman.  I was actually hoping to find several thousands of dollars worth of furniture just to show him!  But, alas, I didn’t need several thousand dollars’ worth of furniture nor did I even find the small piece of furniture I came for in the first place.  So, we left with a few sundry items and I chalked it up to life experience.

But my conclusion was this: What can you ever lose by being friendly?  Nothing.  What can you lose by being condescending? A potential friendship, business connection, or, as in this case, a sale.

When I was about 8 years old, my dad built a treehouse for my brother and me. We thought it was awesome. We even tried to spend the night out there with our cousins, but ended up too scared and came in the house.

But my most vivid memory from that treehouse was a conversation I had with a neighbor girl. She told me something like this: “Oh, I don’t worry about sinning. I just ask forgiveness from God afterwards. I can do whatever I want, because He forgives me.”

As she spoke them, I remember my little girl mind feeling uneasy. I knew that there was some truth to her words. But the attitude in which she was saying them…the rationalization she was using to permit herself to sin more often was…just wrong.

Sure, I recognize now that she probably heard her very dysfunctional parents say something of the sort. Kids are usually repeating words they have heard at home. I wish I knew what happened to her. I can’t even remember her name. But, suffice it to say, if she went into life with that philosophy, she probably didn’t truly understand Christianity.

And, yet, many of us play around a bit with that philosophy, even if we don’t fully live by it. We have our little hidden, tucked-away sins and we think, “Awww, this is such a small thing and God forgives me, so I guess it doesn’t really matter.”

But it does matter.

You see, while we are all human and will continue messing up, making mistakes, and plain out sinning against God, we should never do so intentionally. We should never think, “I can tell this lie or go to this place or gossip about this person because I know God will forgive me.” Have you ever caught yourself doing that?

How our Heavenly Father must grieve when we sin purposely. Watching us discount and ignore the incredible, sacrificial gift of His Son. Taking advantage of that magnificent grace and mercy that He has bestowed so freely onto us–that magnificent grace and mercy that we didn’t deserve in the first place.

Let’s remember today how much our sin grieves our Heavenly Father. Let’s remember that no sin is a small sin. And let’s never cheapen salvation by continuing in sin.

What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? ² Certainly not! How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it? ³ Or do you not know that as many of us as were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into His death? ⁴ Therefore we were buried with Him through baptism into death, that just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life.  Romans 6:1-4

When someone dies unexpectedly or when they hurt us by walking away from a family, from a friendship, from church, from God…we often try to comfort ourselves with the thought that everything will be okay.   And it will.  But it will never be the same.  Because people are not replaceable.  People are not like a pair of shoes or a sofa or a new microwave…people are individually designed by God with unique personalities and quirks.  People create huge gaps when they are removed from our lives.

Last night I was dead-heading some snapdragons.  As I looked at the bed, the plant right in the middle had died.  I had seen it struggling but wasn’t quite sure what to do.  I couldn’t really figure out what was wrong, since the plants around it were so healthy.   Last night I finally did the inevitable.  I pulled it out.  And it left a large gap right in the middle of my snapdragon bed.  A gap that I can’t really do anything about, since the flowers at the markets and nurseries are long gone.  I will need to look at that gap until this fall when I rip them all out and can start again next spring.   As I ripped that plant out I thought about how much that plant is like a person who has unexpectedly left those who love him.

Oftentimes we have no idea why…why did the flower wilt and die in the middle of healthy plants?  Why did that person walk away?  Why did God allow that person to die?   Just like that large hole left by my snapdragon, people leave large gaps that can’t be filled.  We cope, we hurt, and eventually it gets better…less painful.  But every time we walk by that flower bed in our mind, we grieve.   Eventually, we can focus on the other beautiful snapdragons around the gap.  And, thankfully, we have the wonderful gift of memory…and we can remember the snapdragon bed when it was whole and full of bright, happy flowers.

But life changes.  A lot.  And there just aren’t a lot of fairytale endings.   Many of us have watched our marriages wilt, our churches split, a friendship fade away, and loved ones grow sick.  This is the world we are in.   How we grieve…how we cope…how we move on is critical to our own health and well-being…and often the well-being of our families, as well.

So, how do you grieve in a healthy way?  I am not sure I know the answer to that.  It is probably a dark, lonely, rocky path we all need to walk alone and it is probably a little bit different for all of us.  But a healthy start is probably acknowledging that we have a huge gap in our life left by someone we loved very much…someone who cannot be replaced.  And then facing it head-on, accepting this change, and working through that loss without bitterness.   Easy to write…a bit harder to live.