Struggles

Water in the Basement

Leave a Comment / June 24, 2015

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Last week brought record flooding to the Eastern United States. Water gushed into the basements of thousands. Carpet and furniture were ruined. TVs, computers, and video game consoles were rendered useless. Photos, toys, clothing, and boxes of Christmas decorations all needed to be sorted through–many of the items tossed into the trash dumpsters that needed to be ordered for the occasion.

Now tell me this–what would happen if someone just decided not to clean up the mess created by the water? What if they just decided to shut the basement door and ignore that it ever happened?

Of course the whole home would become uninhabitable rather quickly. The smell itself would drive out the homeowners. But along with that would come mold and mildew and creatures and sludge. And then, if someone was crazy enough to continue living there, bacteria, infection, and disease would eventually make their presence known.

But, of course, this is a ridiculous line of thought, right? No one in their right mind would let it go this far.

However–

While we might not allow things to rot in our basements, let’s think about our relationships for a minute.

Many of us–maybe even all of us–try to ignore things in our relationships with spouses, children, parents, or friends. We just think if we ignore it it will go away. But would that horrible stench in our basements go away if we just ignore it? Of course not. So why then do we think the problem in our relationship will disappear?

I think this is often the underlying cause of those later-in-life divorces. You know the ones–where they have been married for 25 or 30 years and then, suddenly, out of the blue, the one spouse wants out and the other one never saw it coming. I guarantee you that somewhere in the hazy craziness of all that is going on with that couple, one of them made a decision to ignore something that was really bothering them.

Another example that comes to mind is our teenagers. So many of us just want to ignore the trash on the iPod or the inappropriate texting. Because for the moment, it it the easiest thing to do. But ignoring things like this will lead us to big-time regret.

But it is so much work.

But it is too hard.

But I don’t feel like it.

But I hate conflict.

But it just isn’t worth it to fight.

But I give up.

But I am tired and do not have the energy to deal with this.

But, but, but…

I am afraid we cannot afford the “buts”!  What if the basement was flooded and the homeowner pronounced those words?

“I am too tired. It is too hard. It is not worth it. ”

That would be ludicrous, would it not? Why then is it okay for us to do this when we have an issue in a relationship?

Many a marriage has ended in divorce, many a teenager lost to the world, and many friends forever parted–all because someone was not willing to say, “hey, I love you, but this is a problem. Let’s figure this out together, because you are worth it to me.”

Do you have a stench in one of your relationships? Is mold and mildew growing there? Is there a mess that needs to be cleaned up? I know it will be hard work. But it is worth it! Let’s care for and protect our relationships, just like we care for and protect our homes!

Be careful…your character is showing.

1 Comment / September 12, 2011

The two boys walked lackadaisically across the street.  I waited in my car.  Watching them.  They both looked unaffected by the fact that a 4500 pound piece of metal on wheels could be used as a weapon with the wrong driver.  They looked unaffected by much of anything, actually.  I suppose that no one ever told these boys that jay-walking is illegal (in other words: wrong).  I guess no one had told these boys that walking slowly and lazily across an intersection- even at a crosswalk- is not only selfish and unkind to the motorists waiting for you, but perhaps a little dangerous, as well.   From all appearances, these boys did not feel any responsibility to walk faster.  In fact, I am quite certain they were completely wrapped up in their own world and cared about no one but themselves.

I can’t help but contrast these boys to the heroic video showed last night in honor of the tenth anniversary of 9-11.   The day that is forever etched in many of our minds.  Hundreds of human beings stepped way outside of their selfish box.  They stepped up to meet the needs of people they did not even know.  For hours.  And then for days.  They searched and dug by bucketfuls through the dust and the rubble.  Looking for both the living and the dead.   One firemen talked about his dread of doing that work each morning.  But he did it.  Because it was what he had to do.  Often, character and strength will show up in situations like that.  Adrenalin moves in and humans do what needs to be done.  It is what a hero is made of.   I believe I know many heroes.   Men and women who would not hesitate to do what’s right in the midst of a crisis.  And I am thankful and proud to know them.

But, let’s face it–it is the daily grind where our real character shines through.   It is our daily decisions that show who we really are.  Our lives are not shaped by a heroic moment or two.  They are shaped by each and every decision.  It is so very difficult to do the right thing when there is no one watching.  It is difficult to do the right thing when the decision (we believe) will affect no one but us.   It is difficult to make the right choice when our parents or our spouse or even our children aren’t there to question us.

Whether it is something as small as lazily walking across the road and forcing people to wait for you or as big as landing in prison for selling drugs, they both show a selfish character.  A character that says “I am going to do what I want!”, without care for anyone else.  Most of us stay within the “acceptable” social guidelines of selfish.  There are hundreds of different, very socially, acceptable ways to be selfish in this culture.  But it is still selfish.  No matter what the culture says.

As you walk through your day, think about each decision you make…and why you are making that decision.   Let’s examine ourselves today.  Let’s live beyond the status quo.

2 Corinthians 13:5  Examine yourselves as to whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Do you not know yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?—unless indeed you are disqualified.

P.S.  God just showed me…like, literally right now, just how selfish I am.  As I poured a cup of coffee and had a conversation with my daughter, it quickly turned into a mild argument…because I was being selfish.   I may not like this “examine yourself” stuff!

How to move a pile of dirt

1 Comment / August 9, 2016

Sam scratched his head and stared at that pile of dirt. The pile was wide and high. He knew his job required him to move it. But he wondered just how his boss expected him to do that? He stared at the shovel that lay on the ground nearby. Surely, he was not expected to use that? But he did not see any other equipment anywhere.  Just when he was about to give up and walk away, his boss brought him a skidloader with a big bucket attached to use.  Sam jumped in the machine, excited about using it.  But he had never used one before, so he had to first learn and understand the machine before it was actually an effective tool in Sam’s hands.  When Sam became familiar and efficient with the machine, the machine did just what it was supposed to do…make an overwhelming, impossible job become possible.

What pile of dirt are you staring at today?  What overwhelming, impossible task or ordeal are you staring at?  Did you know your Heavenly Father gave you a tool to use?  A tool so often mishandled, because we don’t know anything about it.   That tool is prayer.  God gave us the wonderful gift of prayer.

But prayer is so often misused for our own selfish desires.  Or not used at all…until the very last moment, when we realize we can’t fix it ourselves and we may as well just give it to God.  Most of us spend our days using a shovel to move our pile of dirt.   We moan and lament how hard it is, but we keep moving shovelfuls of dirt.  Of course, some of us just give up and walk away from our pile and pretend like its not there.

However, if we take a biblical approach to prayer, then prayer becomes like that machine.  A useful tool.  Ah…but here is where the problem comes in…a tool to do what?  Supply all our wants?  Or the wants of others?  No.  Actually godly prayer has nothing to do with our desires at all, but with what God desires.  As we mature in our walk with God, our prayers should be centered around what God desires…not what we desire.

But God loves His children.  A lot.  And He hears the prayers of those who are truly His saints.  If we are going through a difficult time and are really struggling, God wants us to pray about that, too.  But our petitions need to be out of a heart of submission and repentance (if necessary).   Many are the times King David implores with God to protect him from his enemies and to give him what he needs.   But David’s prayers also show his submissive and repentant heart (Psalm 51).

So, how do you know if you are using the tool of prayer in the correct way?  With the correct heart?  I think it has something to do with how you react when the pile of dirt isn’t moving as fast as YOU think it should…or maybe it’s not moving at all.    Do you get angry?  Irritable?  Depressed?  Despairing?  You see, if we are praying with a correct attitude of submission to God, then we will not get angry or depressed when our prayers are not answered in the way we think is best.

But that’s in a perfect world…because ALL of us have struggled with this at one point or another.   But we need to keep moving in the right direction…using the tool of prayer as the most effective way to further God’s kingdom…just like Sam moved that pile of dirt.   Put down your shovel, turn your submissive, repentant heart towards God and let’s allow Him to use us to accomplish the impossible!

Fitting God into our Box

Leave a Comment / November 4, 2016

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Have you ever tried to pack  a suitcase of winter clothing and keep it to the 50 lb airline regulation? Perhaps you were going on a ski trip. Or maybe on a mission trip to a winter land. Whatever the reason,  you needed to get a lot of clothing into a very small box. So you fold and you roll. And then you remember the shoes. So you start over. Folding and rolling and stuffing. But the physics of the box demand that you can only put so much stuff into it. So you sit there and stare at that rectangle laying on your bed thinking what can I live without for a couple of weeks? And you start pulling things out until you can get that zipper closed.

Perhaps we do that with God, too. Is it possible that many of us try to fit God into a box that we create? And then when it all doesn’t fit together to our liking, we start discarding the characteristics of God we just do not care for–

God is Just (Deuteronomy 32:4). We don’t understand this one, so we just remove it. We can’t wrap our brains around how God can be loving and just at the same time, so we just forget the Just part and concentrate on the Loving part. Many of us live with a God box that only has love in it. But the Bible says God is also just.

God hates sin (Psalm 45:6). We really dislike this one, so many of us take this one from our suitcase almost immediately, filling our suitcases instead with God’s forgiveness. No matter what I do, God will forgive me! Yes, that’s true and a very important part of God’s character. But let us not forget that God hates that sin we commit and that He forgives. We are grieving Him when we sin. So many of us have such a lackadaisical attitude about sin. Like it doesn’t matter. When is the last time you spent some time confessing your sin to your Heavenly Father? We hardly even hear that word anymore. Confession.

God is Holy (I Peter 1:15-16). If God is holy, and He wants me to be holy, then that means a complete change in who I am and what I do. Some of the words used to describe holy at dictionary.com are “saintly“, “godly“, “dedicated service to God“, and “spiritually pure“. Now think with me for a moment about what you played on your radio yesterday or what you watched on your television or the last movie you went to see. Do these words come to mind in describing your choice of entertainment? Or how about the last time you had a disagreement with a family member or friend? Do these words describe how you responded to them? This Truth extends into all areas of our lives. It is especially a difficult one to keep in the box. It affects how we treat people. What we talk about. Who we hang around with. What we allow in our homes. Where we go. And what we do when no one is watching. And so many, many Christians have effectively moved this right out of their “God box”. They might still mouth the words, but they do not live them and have effectively removed the thought from their minds, too busy, instead, rationalizing why certain behaviors are just fine (and even talking themselves into the belief that they are promoting God’s Kingdom by their worldliness–another “box” issue we won’t go into here).

Above are just a few ways that come to mind about how we try to ignore truths about God that we are given in scripture. Sometimes we also add things to our “God box” that aren’t true. Whatever our tendency, it is a good idea to examine our definition of who God is. Does it agree with all of scripture? If it doesn’t, we had better start over. Go ahead and examine your “God” box. Does it go along with the Word of God? It is time to remove the falsehoods and replace them with the Truth. Because it is only when we have an accurate view of who God is, that we can truly grow and thrive as a believer.

Deuteronomy 32:4  He is the Rock, His work is perfect;For all His ways are justice, A God of truth and without injustice; Righteous and upright is He.

Psalms 45:6 Your throne, O God, [is] forever and ever; A scepter of righteousness [is] the scepter of Your kingdom. 7 You love righteousness and hate wickedness.

I Peter 1:15-16  but as He who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, 16 because it is written, “Be holy, for I am holy.

Forming a Life

1 Comment / August 25, 2011

Little did he realize that when he took that first shot of vodka, he would be forming his future life.   He was simply out partying.  He wanted to have a good time.   Nothing wrong with that.  But 20 years later he is an alcoholic.  Drinking, cigarettes, and gambling are all known for their addictive qualities but let’s think about some other areas in which we develop bad habits and haven’t even given it a thought–

How about spending money?  You use a credit card for a purchase and think–“wow.  that was easy.”  And so you do it again.  And again.  Buying stuff you do not need.  Stuff you could live without.  But it is so easy.  And then the bill comes and there is that momentary feeling of uneasiness.  But you pay the minimum and then you just keep charging to a credit card that you can’t pay.   Stuck in the cycle of credit card billing.  Never paying it off.   Forming a life of debt.

Or how about with what you eat or drink?   Perhaps you find yourself drinking 2 or 3 sodas every day.   It isn’t until you decide to kick the habit that you realize the hold that soda (or chocolate…or you fill in the blank) has on you.   And your body is starting to rebel.  You are gaining weight.  You are not feeling well.  You are achy.  You are tired.  You are fueling your body with something it wasn’t ever meant to be fueled with and now you are paying for that decision.  Forming a life of indulgence (the opposite of self-control).

Maybe one evening you were so tired, that you just fell in front of the TV to veg.  Before you know it, that is what you do every evening.  You have wasted thousands of hours vegging in front of an electronic box.  Forming a life of laziness.

You see, your life is not formed by the big moments, but by the little moments.  Who you are depends on those little decisions you make each and every day.

But the exciting news is that if you are alive, it is not too late to change!  And change comes with every little decision.  So instead of finding yourself locked in the same pattern…one day, you choose, instead, to–

-walk away from those really cute shoes.

-drink water.

-turn the tv off and read a story to your kids.

And then you continue that same pattern the next day…and the next day…and before you know it, you have made a positive change in your life!

I am personally working on kicking a sugar habit right now.  I did not realize just how badly I fueled my body until I was feeling it in a multitude of ways.  I am working at making those small decisions to make my life healthier, and consequently, more productive for God’s purposes.

We can never give in to Satan’s lie that it is impossible to change.  If we are God’s child and have been saved by His grace, it is NOT impossible to change.   God is bigger than my bad habit.  Isn’t that good news?

So what little change will you make today?

“We are what we repeatedly do.  Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.”  Aristotle

Steel Rods (and why they do not belong in a marriage)

2 Comments / April 25, 2015

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I could almost feel the hot, molten metal filling my spine. At first, came the searing heat of anger.

“You can’t tell me what to do!”

“Who do you think you are, anyway?”

“If you love me, you would consider my point of view.”

The red, liquid metal hardened to solid, unyielding steel as the days passed and my thoughts frequently turned to the topic of debate. I felt my heart harden right along with my spine. I wasn’t moving. We had come to an impasse, my husband and I.

What were we going to do about it?  Because– did I mention this already?–I wasn’t moving.

I felt a flutter of discomfort–perhaps the Holy Spirit–move in me. I ignored it. I went on with my daily activities like everything was fine. As did my husband. Every now and then we would try to talk about it.  And get nowhere. Finally, I think we both gave up.

A couple of weeks later, we were able to talk more about it.  I was able to state my valid points in a kind and open way, instead of with an angry finality. I think he really did hear me and we came to an agreeable understanding about the topic, for the most part.

But I still couldn’t pray. Any efforts at prayer couldn’t get beyond the white ceiling above my head. What was wrong, Lord? Why didn’t I feel at peace with You?

I tried to figure it out. My mind glossed over the steel rod already hardened somewhere deep within. It couldn’t be that.

“Lord, you have to understand.  I know my husband is the leader, but…You can only expect so much, Lord.”

My excuses went on inside my head for a day or two. But I knew what was keeping me from fellowship with God. I finally submitted to Him and to my husband’s leadership. When I had confessed  my sin, I prayed that God would provide a private moment with my husband so that I could apologize. God graciously granted me this often scarce blessing almost immediately and I humbly apologized to my husband.

Did that mean I had changed my opinion about the topic we had heatedly disagreed on? No, not even a bit. But I found that discussing my very strong feelings on this subject with kindness and openness and listening ears made a huge difference in not only that one particular conversation but in the status of our relationship. Instead, I had chosen to plant my feet in concrete and had single-handedly launched our marriage into some very difficult weeks.

I am sharing my experience here as a wife with her husband.  But, let’s not forget that men do this, too.   Men, please do not use your God-given role as leader to excuse a steel rod within you. Speaking words like “I am the leader, you are to be submissive and do as I say” will build a high wall between you and your wife before you can even spit out that sentence. Your wife is quite familiar with that steel rod of yours. And she feels quite lonely and unloved because of it. If you love your wife, show her how important she is by asking for her thoughts and opinions on things. Show her you care enough to listen.

There is just no room for steel rods in either spouse in a godly marriage. Steel rods make for very lonely people living in the same house. If something is so important that you are willing to sacrifice the health of your marriage on the altar of it, you’d better make sure it is worthy of that sacrifice. Did your wife ask you to lie on your tax return?  Did your husband ask you to steal something?  It had better be that serious.

We need to lovingly listen to one another.  And when we come to an impasse or a disagreement that just can’t be bridged, then the husband needs to lovingly assert his God-given authority and the women needs to humbly submit to that authority.*

And don’t forget to pray together.  And pray for each other. If you and your spouse are struggling through something and you feel really strongly about it, speak softly** and pray that your husband or wife would really hear you.  And be humble enough to ask the Lord to show you if you are the one who needs to change your mind.

Love, kindness, and humility bring not only a lasting marriage but a healthy marriage. Let’s strive to have healthy, long-lasting marriages. Let’s show the world that marriages modeled after God’s Word are not only different but, oh, so rewarding!

*Ephesians 5:22-33: 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. 28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. 30 For we are members of His body,[d] of His flesh and of His bones. 31 “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”[e] 32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

**Proverbs 15:1:   A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Saving the Peach Cobbler

Leave a Comment / August 15, 2011

So…which is better?  To try and fail?  Or to never try at all?

My daughter and I had decided to make a homemade dessert for dinner Saturday night.  We had just spent an hour peeling peaches and mixing dough.  The Peach Cobbler looked yummy!  I picked it up…Oh, no!…I forgot the peaches had already been in the oven for a few minutes!…that dish is hot!…CRASH!  Hot peaches and gooey dough landed on the oven door and spilled over onto the floor.

Are there words to describe the disappointment in that brief moment?  All that work…for nothing.  I looked at my daughter.  She looked at me.  I finally shrugged my shoulders.  It is what it is.   Having no better tools to work with, I took a spatula and scraped the mixture of peaches, sugar, cinnamon, and flour on the oven door back into the baking dish.  And then we got the rest of the sticky mess off of the floor.

I got off my knees when we were all done and ruefully looked at that peach cobbler.  But, wait…sure- it didn’t look good…but a seed of a thought was forming in my brain…how would it taste?…what could it hurt?   I put the whole unappetizing mess in the oven.

While it was a little funny-looking, it tasted really good and we ate almost the whole thing at dinner that night.

We tried.  We failed.  We made the best of it.

I tried something else a couple of weeks ago.  A new ministry for me.  I had a lot of hesitation.  I did not think it would be a good fit for me.  I was right.

I tried.  I failed.  How do you make the best of something like that?  I have been trying to figure that out for awhile now.  But I think one way is to share with you what I learned from that experience–

–I learned that, without a doubt, that ministry is not for me.  If I  had not tried it, I would have always wondered.  Unless you try something, you can’t really KNOW.

–I learned that people will judge you for certain decisions you make.  But they do not have all of the details.   This failure has encouraged me not to judge others when they make a decision and I do not know the full story.

–I learned that I am getting older.   That wasn’t really a very nice thing to learn.  But there you are.  I have to accept my limitations.  We all do.

–I learned that you have to do what is right.  And sometimes that means QUIT.  Which is a four letter word in our family.  A hard thing to come to terms with.

–And I learned that I need to serve in areas where I am gifted.  We all do.  And if we do that, then we will be like the church body that Paul describes in I Corinthians 12.  We will all have different areas in which we serve and together we will make a difference for God’s Kingdom.

So…in the long run…was trying and failing better than not trying at all?  I am still not sure.  The wounds are a little fresh yet.  But would I do it differently?  No, probably not.  As painful of a time as that was, I did learn some valuable lessons I would not have learned any other way.

Roller Coaster Ride

Leave a Comment / August 11, 2011

Somehow my son and I had chosen the wrong line. We had chosen the line for “single” riders to go in the front car.  This was not good.  He was about 8, so I wasn’t planning on going on this Monster Coaster without him.   But, despite my plans, here we were.  We were each going alone.  I will never forget getting to the top of that steep incline, in the front of the highest coaster I had ever been on, not being able to even see the track in front of me, the drop was that drastic.  I glanced out over the beautiful scene spread out below me for a second and then…off I went on one of the wildest amusement park rides of my memory.

I have felt a little like life is like this.  We get a split-second to enjoy the blessings…and then we are off on another wild ride.  Sometimes when the ride is over, the scenery is the same.  Most often, though, it is not.  While on the ride, someone we love is gone from our life or we have had to move to a different town or change jobs.  And sometimes the ride is actually a good thing…a new baby or a wedding.   But one way or another, we usually do not return to the same life we started in.

And sometimes…we get on rides we just didn’t want to go on.   We kick and scream…but there we are…locked into that rollercoaster car, high above everything, with no path of escape.

For some reason, this week I have been thinking about the Jews during the Holocaust who were taken away in the train cars.  Many of them were quite cultured and very wealthy.  And, when very gradually, they realized they were the target of a madman, it was too late for many of them to leave Germany.  And, all of a sudden, many of them were thrown onto a roller coaster ride that was their last one.

But, did you notice, no matter how terrible or tragic the ending–a roller coaster ride does end?  It does not last forever.  You do get off.  Sure, sometimes you get right back on…but sometimes you get a breather.

But this is life.  We have to face it.  We can’t live on last year’s roller coaster.  We can’t waste time dreaming about future roller coasters.  We need to appreciate and grow from the roller coaster we are on now.   Right now.  At this moment.  Because you all are on some sort of ride.  Maybe it is a milder ride…maybe it is wild and crazy.  But at the end of whatever ride you are on…your children will be older, you will be a little bit (or a lot) different, and the scenery will have shifted just a bit.

Let’s all hang on and try to enjoy it as best we can!

Things I wish I would’ve known when I was 20

2 Comments / October 28, 2014

20I was thinking the other day of some of the things that, had I known them when I was 20, would have made life much more enjoyable.    Here are some of the things I would tell my naive 20 year old self, if it was possible-

1.  Let it roll. If someone says something that offends you or doesn’t buy you a gift (even though you bought them one) or steals your boyfriend or simply says something that just irritates you just let it roll. Because life is just too short for grudges.

2. The greatest personal satisfaction comes from giving–not getting.

3. You are not overweight! Just because you don’t look like a magazine cover or a movie star doesn’t mean you are overweight. Appreciate the body you have now, because it won’t last.

4. Stepping out of your comfort zone will often yield incredible rewards.

5. Appreciate your parents. They have given more of themselves than you could ever realize. Don’t take that for granted. Don’t be so wrapped up in your own affairs that you forget they have feelings, too.

6. Expect good times less often. Appreciate them much more.

7. Don’t assume you know why someone is acting or reacting in a certain way. It is hard enough to understand your own motives, much less someone else’s.

8. Face your fears head-on!

9.  You don’t need a loan to buy a car or a piece of furniture. Live on what you make.

10. Just because someone tells you your nose is too big or your feet are too small, doesn’t mean its true. Find your worth in Jesus Christ, not in the opinions of others.

11. Money doesn’t make you happy.

12.  Don’t dwell on your fears and worrisome details of life. Figure it out as best you can, do what you can to resolve the problem, pray hard, and then think about something else.

13. You will blink and life will be half over. Savor every single moment of it.

This list certainly isn’t exhaustive. Feel free to comment below and add some of the things you wish you would have known!

Floating the right direction

Leave a Comment / July 25, 2011

It was so HOT.  Even in the mountains.  So we grabbed some tubes and headed to the creek.  We were floating gently along, feeling the warm sunshine on our faces, when I felt someone bump into me.   My good friend had purposely pushed her husband’s tube away from hers inadvertently towards me.  She quipped, “I meant to push him away but not towards another woman!”  and we joked about the symbolism of that and I told her it would probably end up in one of my blogs.  And here it is!

I couldn’t let that one go.  We do that, don’t we?  We gently push our spouse away.  We don’t plan to push them towards someone else’s arms.  That is truly not our intention.  Perhaps we just are struggling through something we don’t want to share with them (which is never a good idea, anyway) or maybe we tend to be more solitary and like to be alone or maybe we work too much or focus too much on the kids instead of our spouse.

Sometimes we just would rather watch TV than listen to our best friend talk about his golf game or her trip to the mall.  We are too lazy to get up off the chair and look at something they created or fixed or found.

Or perhaps we have become much more comfortable at sharing the negative about them and the positive about others.   When men tell their wives they are too fat or too skinny or their feet or nose are too big…that is like giving his wife a giant push away from him.  And when a wife tells her husband that “you don’t know what you’re doing” or jokes about his faults in front of their friends…she is doing the same.   We need to be so very careful with our words.

And, finally, one day, after years of bad communication patterns, we wake up and our spouse is in someone else’s arms.  They are looking towards someone else to meet their needs for love and respect and passion.   If they aren’t needed at home then they will go somewhere else.  It happens over and over again…each and every day.  It is one of the most tragic events in existence.  Families crumble, children suffer.

A successful marriage takes so much work.   And we make choices to keep our spouse close or to push them away every day.  Every marriage goes through cycles, but if it is made up of only pushing away it means your inner tubes are floating further and further away from each other.  And the further you float away, the harder it is–the more work it is– to swim back towards each other again.

But it is worth the work!  No matter where you find yourself.  And today is a good day to start!  If you have been struggling giving attention to your spouse, make today a new beginning!  Listen to them today.  Be kind.  And keep that inner tube close to yours, before they float away out of sight!