Parenting

Water in the Basement

Leave a Comment / June 24, 2015

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Last week brought record flooding to the Eastern United States. Water gushed into the basements of thousands. Carpet and furniture were ruined. TVs, computers, and video game consoles were rendered useless. Photos, toys, clothing, and boxes of Christmas decorations all needed to be sorted through–many of the items tossed into the trash dumpsters that needed to be ordered for the occasion.

Now tell me this–what would happen if someone just decided not to clean up the mess created by the water? What if they just decided to shut the basement door and ignore that it ever happened?

Of course the whole home would become uninhabitable rather quickly. The smell itself would drive out the homeowners. But along with that would come mold and mildew and creatures and sludge. And then, if someone was crazy enough to continue living there, bacteria, infection, and disease would eventually make their presence known.

But, of course, this is a ridiculous line of thought, right? No one in their right mind would let it go this far.

However–

While we might not allow things to rot in our basements, let’s think about our relationships for a minute.

Many of us–maybe even all of us–try to ignore things in our relationships with spouses, children, parents, or friends. We just think if we ignore it it will go away. But would that horrible stench in our basements go away if we just ignore it? Of course not. So why then do we think the problem in our relationship will disappear?

I think this is often the underlying cause of those later-in-life divorces. You know the ones–where they have been married for 25 or 30 years and then, suddenly, out of the blue, the one spouse wants out and the other one never saw it coming. I guarantee you that somewhere in the hazy craziness of all that is going on with that couple, one of them made a decision to ignore something that was really bothering them.

Another example that comes to mind is our teenagers. So many of us just want to ignore the trash on the iPod or the inappropriate texting. Because for the moment, it it the easiest thing to do. But ignoring things like this will lead us to big-time regret.

But it is so much work.

But it is too hard.

But I don’t feel like it.

But I hate conflict.

But it just isn’t worth it to fight.

But I give up.

But I am tired and do not have the energy to deal with this.

But, but, but…

I am afraid we cannot afford the “buts”!  What if the basement was flooded and the homeowner pronounced those words?

“I am too tired. It is too hard. It is not worth it. ”

That would be ludicrous, would it not? Why then is it okay for us to do this when we have an issue in a relationship?

Many a marriage has ended in divorce, many a teenager lost to the world, and many friends forever parted–all because someone was not willing to say, “hey, I love you, but this is a problem. Let’s figure this out together, because you are worth it to me.”

Do you have a stench in one of your relationships? Is mold and mildew growing there? Is there a mess that needs to be cleaned up? I know it will be hard work. But it is worth it! Let’s care for and protect our relationships, just like we care for and protect our homes!

Pay Attention

Leave a Comment / August 4, 2011

One Saturday last summer, we were all busily doing our own thing, when my husband received a call on his cell phone.  He was greeted by an unfamiliar voice.    A kind stranger had found our lab, who had run off, and this kind stranger had worried about her, took the time to stop and read her tag, and brought her home.

The thing was:  we didn’t even know she was gone!  We were so busy working and doing our own thing that we hadn’t even missed our precious puppy.

I wonder if sometimes our relationships with our children don’t end up like that, if we aren’t careful.  We are so busy doing our own thing and then one day we look up and our child has turned into an adult…and we realize that we have lost them.

Sometimes we can find them again and then move on together.  Sometimes we cannot.

Have you ever felt a wall building between you and your child?  A wall of bitterness?  A wall of anger?  A wall of discouragement?  Or distrust?  It is never there instantly.  It is one block at a time, so that you barely notice.  And then one day, the wall is so high that you can’t even see each other.

The only way we can really keep that wall from growing that high is to pay attention.  We can never let our guards down.   We need to nip issues in the bud.  We need to forgive.  We need to truly work at understanding.  And we need to listen to what our children are saying…by their mouths and by their behavior.

So what does this mean in a practical sense?  Let’s talk about younger children.   Listen to them!  Listen to them!  Listen to them!   When they drone on and on about their lego creation or their trip to the park or their dollhouse family, listen to them!  And not the “uh huh” while your eyes stray back to your laptop or dishes.  Stop, look them in the eye, and listen to them.   Of course, sometimes you can’t do this, because the baby is crying or you have chores that can’t wait, but do it as often as you can.  When I had younger children, my mom always told me, “listen to your children now, so that they will talk to you when you really need to hear what’s going on”.  So far, that advice has really been a blessing to our family.   And keep the boundaries firm and in place…don’t waver.  Kids need this.  They act like they hate it, but they really don’t.  If you have a rule, keep it place firmly and let the kids know that they have a safe place to be…not one with boundaries that move all over the place, where they never know what to expect.

And what about about teenagers?  I am still learning in this particular area, but here are a couple of things I have learned.  Teenagers need to feel heard.  Even if you need to pull the “parent” card in the end, your kids will be grateful if you hear them first.  And, then, when you cannot change your mind, they need an explanation.   Use God’s Word to explain why you don’t think it is a good idea.  And don’t be so proud that you don’t change your mind, sometimes.  Maybe it is something that really doesn’t matter.   Picking battles is so important.  If your child is quiet and doesn’t want to talk, be respectful of that.  But be ready to talk when they are ready…and it is usually at 11pm.   Love them enough to stay up and really listen.

These are a couple of ways to keep our fingers on the heartbeat of what’s going on in the lives of our kids.  So that someday a stranger doesn’t show up one day and say “Hi.  I am your kid”!

Things I wish I would’ve known when I was 20

2 Comments / October 28, 2014

20I was thinking the other day of some of the things that, had I known them when I was 20, would have made life much more enjoyable.    Here are some of the things I would tell my naive 20 year old self, if it was possible-

1.  Let it roll. If someone says something that offends you or doesn’t buy you a gift (even though you bought them one) or steals your boyfriend or simply says something that just irritates you just let it roll. Because life is just too short for grudges.

2. The greatest personal satisfaction comes from giving–not getting.

3. You are not overweight! Just because you don’t look like a magazine cover or a movie star doesn’t mean you are overweight. Appreciate the body you have now, because it won’t last.

4. Stepping out of your comfort zone will often yield incredible rewards.

5. Appreciate your parents. They have given more of themselves than you could ever realize. Don’t take that for granted. Don’t be so wrapped up in your own affairs that you forget they have feelings, too.

6. Expect good times less often. Appreciate them much more.

7. Don’t assume you know why someone is acting or reacting in a certain way. It is hard enough to understand your own motives, much less someone else’s.

8. Face your fears head-on!

9.  You don’t need a loan to buy a car or a piece of furniture. Live on what you make.

10. Just because someone tells you your nose is too big or your feet are too small, doesn’t mean its true. Find your worth in Jesus Christ, not in the opinions of others.

11. Money doesn’t make you happy.

12.  Don’t dwell on your fears and worrisome details of life. Figure it out as best you can, do what you can to resolve the problem, pray hard, and then think about something else.

13. You will blink and life will be half over. Savor every single moment of it.

This list certainly isn’t exhaustive. Feel free to comment below and add some of the things you wish you would have known!

When right feels wrong

Leave a Comment / June 27, 2011

It is so much easier to do the right thing if our percentages for a positive outcome increase.  For example, drinking and driving leads to a much greater chance of an accident…succumbing to a fit of anger leads to strife within your family…stealing could lead to an arrest and jail time.

But…it gets a little harder to do the right thing when the percentages for a positive outcome look a little fuzzy…or even downright nonexistent.  What happens then?   When you have a friend who is living in sin, do you confront them in love, like the Bible tells us to?  Or what about a child who says they will “hate” you if you don’t let them do “X”?  Do you stand up for what’s right, even in the face of that heart-breaking statement?

You see, when we choose to do what’s right, we do not always have instant gratification.  We do not always see the benefit of that right away.  And, frankly, sometimes we never see the benefits.

Many, many years ago, I watched someone confront someone about something that was sinful in their life.  It was done with love and grace.  But it didn’t really matter…because that person’s heart was hard.  And the relationship between them was affected permanently.   To my knowledge, it was never restored.  So, did the person who did the confronting do the right thing?  Yep.  Did they have a positive outcome?  Nope.

But sometimes you just have to wait for awhile to see the positive outcome.  Like, take me, for instance.  I have written in journals since I was in 6th grade.  One day, while dealing with my own teenagers, I decided to read over what I had written as a teenager. What I found there was surprising.  I did not remember the anger…true anger…I felt towards my parents when I was not allowed to do certain things.   The anger was shocking!  But here I was, 30+ years later, and it had all faded.   The only feeling that was left in me was deep appreciation and a grateful heart for my parents’ solid commitment to be obedient to the Lord above all.

So often we find ourselves caving in to the “possible outcomes”  instead of doing the right thing.  We think through all of the possibilities.  And then we grow scared.  And we do nothing.   But, in the long run, we pay.   That friendship you are guarding will grow weaker as you and your friend travel in different directions.  That child, who is crying out for boundaries (no matter what their mouth is saying), will often walk away from God, figuring it just doesn’t matter.

But not everything needs a conversation, either.  After much experience, I have learned to speak up with much more hesitation and discernment.   Let’s be honest–some things…many things…are not worthy to be confronted.   And many people who are outside your intimate circle have no interest in listening to you (unless you are their pastor or another spiritual leader).  We need to be wise!

If we determine that we need to take the step for a conversation, here are a few other questions to ask that are helpful:  Is the sin I see habitual?  Is the person committing the sin truly committed to the Lord?  Will this sin destroy their life if they continue on in this path?

Doing the right thing is not always easy.  In fact, it is often the opposite.  But we need to strive to do the right thing in all circumstances.   Not just when we can rely on positive results.   Easier said  than done.

2 Thessalonians 3:13  But as for you, brethren, do not grow weary in doing good. 14 And if anyone does not obey our word in this epistle, note that person and do not keep company with him, that he may be ashamed. 15 Yet do not count him as an enemy, but admonish him as a brother.

5 Things We Can Learn from Children

Leave a Comment / May 22, 2015

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The other night my daughter was babysitting a one year old. The adorable little girl came into our home, looked around, and made herself at home. She smiled at all of us, started eating the dinner that was being fed to her, and was content. It led to a conversation at our dinner table about how little children can just come into a strange home and feel right at home and how we, as adults, can’t do that. It got me thinking about a few things we can learn from children who are blissfully unaware of all of the social implications of their actions–

1)  No pretensions.  Have you ever talked with a little child? They are who they are. They are not strutting around pretending to be someone they are not. There is no wondering if the child is upset or happy or angry. We always know, don’t we? There hasn’t been years of wall-building and hypocrisy to dig our way through. While I am not suggesting it is healthy to express our emotions at every opportunity, I am suggesting that I think this world and our churches would benefit greatly if we would stop trying to impress one another. So many of us have built these thick walls around our hearts and lives. What would happen if we would tear our walls down and get real?

2) Live in the Moment. Have you ever seen a little guy dance to a tune that was playing? It is a joy to see the little legs bouncing up and down, as they try to move to the beat. But somewhere along the way, we forget to dance. We forget to enjoy the moment. We get wrapped up in taking kids to soccer, in paying the bills, in doing the housework. You know the old saying–Stop and smell the roses? Perhaps we should do that more often in life. Just stop and enjoy the moment. Enjoy watching the birds in your backyard. Enjoy petting your dog for a moment.  Watch your child chase butterflies and hunt bugs. Stop and really watch your husband wrestling with the kids. Grab a hand and dance joyfully to the song playing. These are beautiful moments the Lord gives us. Let’s not take them for granted. Those fleeting moments are what make up  the tapestry of our vaporous lives.

3) Eat until your full. Children do not continue to stuff themselves after they are full.  They only eat when they are hungry.  They obey the mechanism that God so intelligently designed and when their bellies feel hungry, they eat. And when they feel full, they stop eating. Somewhere along the way, many of us have stopped obeying that mechanism. It’s breakfast time? Then I have to eat, even if I am not hungry. I am at a party with a table full of delicious food? I have to try some, even if I just ate a complete meal before I came. I wonder what would happen if, as adults, we continued to obey our hungry and full signals?

4) Don’t Let the Fear of Others’ Opinions Rule You.  Some of my favorite “mommy” moments were when I could get my babies to start giggling. They would give this big belly laugh, filling my heart with pure joy. They didn’t worry what anyone was thinking about them.  They didn’t worry about if they were cool or look around, wondering if someone noticed that they “snorted”. Because it didn’t matter.  They were having fun! So often, we let the fear of others’ reactions dominate our choices. While I understand that we do need to be concerned about others and about our Christian testimony, sometimes we may be concerned about unimportant things. Does it really matter if the neighbor thinks you are crazy for catching fireflies at dusk? Does it really matter if you play a game and people make fun of how you run (personal experience on that one!)? Does it really matter if you fall on the ice? Or if your hair gets wet?  So often we let the fear of people’s opinions and reactions keep us from enjoying our lives.

5) Be okay with the way God made you. Ever see a baby wear make-up? Or get plastic surgery?   So, let’s be honest. If you are like me–aging quickly–you are not feeling so adorable. Many of us won’t even leave the house without make-up. But why not? Why do we feel the need to have something on our faces to face the public? Why do so many feel the need to enlarge or reduce areas of their body through plastic surgery? Why isn’t the way God made us good enough? Instead of being grateful for the incredible body God designed, we complain that our noses are too large, our hair is too curly, our legs are too short, our hips, too narrow or too wide. But children are not conscious of this yet. They just are.  Sometimes I wish we could appreciate the amazing body we have been given without the constant attitude of criticism that almost every woman (and man??) feels when they look in the mirror.

Unfortunately, real life takes its toll and, sooner rather than later, we all learn some pretty hard lessons. People can’t be trusted. The way I look isn’t good enough. You know the dialogue. But perhaps we can learn just a few things from the children in our lives.

Just a thought for today…

Your kid won’t die if they don’t get a guinea pig.

Leave a Comment / December 20, 2010

Christmas week.  A wonderful time of food, family get-togethers, church activities, and...”Christmas Lists”.  Have you felt the pressure?  The pressure to try and do everything possible to give our kids their hearts’ desire at Christmastime?  We love our children.  It seems a natural outpouring of our love to give our kids what they want for Christmas.  But sometimes, they just do not need the newest, latest gadget.  Or sometimes you can’t afford what they want.

Well, I am here to tell you that they will survive!   Is that good news or what??  (I hope you hear the sarcasm in my voice as I write this!)  I know you already know this.  It just seemed like a good week to mention this in case you forgot…

A few months ago, one of my daughters desired a guinea pig with all of her heart.  She spent HOURS researching guinea pig cages and guinea pig food and anything else that had to do with guinea pigs.  She pestered me for about two weeks straight to let her have a guinea pig.  We have owned rabbits, fish, cats, and birds at various times in our household during the last 20 years.   We currently have two dogs.   I do not feel the need to have more pets at this point in my life.   But she would not leave me alone.  She pleaded.   She cried.  She begged.   I finally came up with what I thought was a pretty ingenious idea.   I told this daughter that if she could keep her room clean for a whole month, we would re-visit the idea of the guinea pig.   I had a pretty good idea that one of two things would happen.  She would A) either forget about the guinea pig or B) grow tired of trying to keep her room clean.

And guess what?  I was right on both counts.  I haven’t heard anything further about a guinea pig for a long time.  She made a decision that a guinea pig just wasn’t worth the work involved.

Sometimes our kids’ make it sound like they NEED to have the latest gadget…or that toy they saw on the commercial…or, in our case, the pet that their cousin has.  And sometimes we can find ourselves believing them.  But my little experiment showed me that, not only do they not need it, but that most kids will forget all about it eventually.

Isn’t parenting fun??

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