Leslie A

Choices

Leave a Comment / August 8, 2011 August 8, 2011

The little boy jumped up and down on his bed excitedly. He was going fishing with Daddy after his nap! He had jumped the blue and red comforter almost all the way off of the bed by the time Daddy scolded him. Daddy told him to rest a few hours and then they would go. He laid down and tried to close his eyes. Meanwhile, Daddy told Mommy that he had to run out to do an errand, or to go hunting, or to see a friend. Mommy believed him. Instead, Daddy was headed somewhere else.

I can’t help but wonder if this was the story behind the minivan I saw parked at the “adult” store we passed on the way home from a trip away yesterday.

Lives destroyed by our choices. Not only our own lives are affected by our choices, but the lives of our families. In this case, it is a choice to visit an “adult” store. Instead of working things out at home, it is easier to just run away. But, even if we have no inclination to visit an “adult” store…EVER…we still have choices to make, don’t we? Choices that affect those around us.

Choices as damaging as lingering over coffee with a co-worker of the opposite sex long after business has been discussed. Or perhaps it is something as simple as choosing to watch TV instead of playing and having fun with your kids. But both of these decisions have consequences.

Choices based only on our own selfish desires are almost always destined for bad consequences.

I can remember years ago, when I was in the habit of turning on Oprah, an episode about “successful” women. Most of these women were heads of multi-million dollar companies or had developed wonderful charities. There was one thing each of these women had in common. If I remember correctly, I think all of them had gotten divorced through the process of fulfilling their “dream”.

They had made a choice to “follow their hearts” and had chosen their desires over their families. They were praised and applauded for making this choice by the world.

But if they could do it again, would they find it worth it? Were they really happy? Or were those plastered smiles on their made-up faces covering a whole host of hurt, pain, and questions? Who determined that being the head of a multi-million dollar company deserves the praise of the world but choosing the selfless way of being a wife and mother does not?

If I am being honest here, and I may as well be, or you won’t even want to read what I am writing…I really struggle with making selfish choices. Oh, not the big things…but in the little things. The things that reap small, negative consequences…like strained relationships. And almost every time I make a choice based on my selfish desire, without care for anyone else’s feelings or thoughts on the choice, I find myself in the midst of arguments, hurt feelings, and chaos.

You see, the world will tell you to focus on yourself and what YOU want. This message is plastered on billboards. It is on almost every reality TV show. It is the message of many a magazine article. We find this message everywhere. We find it everywhere– except in the Bible. Not once in the Bible do I find a command to think of myself first when making a choice. It is always about thinking of God first. Of others first.

A difficult command to live out in today’s culture.

Pay Attention

Leave a Comment / August 4, 2011 August 4, 2011

One Saturday last summer, we were all busily doing our own thing, when my husband received a call on his cell phone. He was greeted by an unfamiliar voice. A kind stranger had found our lab, who had run off, and this kind stranger had worried about her, took the time to stop and read her tag, and brought her home.

The thing was: we didn’t even know she was gone! We were so busy working and doing our own thing that we hadn’t even missed our precious puppy.

I wonder if sometimes our relationships with our children don’t end up like that, if we aren’t careful. We are so busy doing our own thing and then one day we look up and our child has turned into an adult…and we realize that we have lost them.

Sometimes we can find them again and then move on together. Sometimes we cannot.

Have you ever felt a wall building between you and your child? A wall of bitterness? A wall of anger? A wall of discouragement? Or distrust? It is never there instantly. It is one block at a time, so that you barely notice. And then one day, the wall is so high that you can’t even see each other.

The only way we can really keep that wall from growing that high is to pay attention. We can never let our guards down. We need to nip issues in the bud. We need to forgive. We need to truly work at understanding. And we need to listen to what our children are saying…by their mouths and by their behavior.

So what does this mean in a practical sense? Let’s talk about younger children. Listen to them! Listen to them! Listen to them! When they drone on and on about their lego creation or their trip to the park or their dollhouse family, listen to them! And not the “uh huh” while your eyes stray back to your laptop or dishes. Stop, look them in the eye, and listen to them. Of course, sometimes you can’t do this, because the baby is crying or you have chores that can’t wait, but do it as often as you can. When I had younger children, my mom always told me, “listen to your children now, so that they will talk to you when you really need to hear what’s going on”. So far, that advice has really been a blessing to our family. And keep the boundaries firm and in place…don’t waver. Kids need this. They act like they hate it, but they really don’t. If you have a rule, keep it place firmly and let the kids know that they have a safe place to be…not one with boundaries that move all over the place, where they never know what to expect.

And what about about teenagers? I am still learning in this particular area, but here are a couple of things I have learned. Teenagers need to feel heard. Even if you need to pull the “parent” card in the end, your kids will be grateful if you hear them first. And, then, when you cannot change your mind, they need an explanation. Use God’s Word to explain why you don’t think it is a good idea. And don’t be so proud that you don’t change your mind, sometimes. Maybe it is something that really doesn’t matter. Picking battles is so important. If your child is quiet and doesn’t want to talk, be respectful of that. But be ready to talk when they are ready…and it is usually at 11pm. Love them enough to stay up and really listen.

These are a couple of ways to keep our fingers on the heartbeat of what’s going on in the lives of our kids. So that someday a stranger doesn’t show up one day and say “Hi. I am your kid”!

Things I wish I would’ve known when I was 20

2 Comments / August 1, 2011 October 28, 2014

I was thinking the other day of some of the things that, had I known them when I was 20, would have made life much more enjoyable. Here are some of the things I would tell my naive 20 year old self, if it was possible-

1. Let it roll. If someone says something that offends you or doesn’t buy you a gift (even though you bought them one) or steals your boyfriend or simply says something that just irritates you just let it roll. Because life is just too short for grudges.

2. The greatest personal satisfaction comes from giving–not getting.

3. You are not overweight! Just because you don’t look like a magazine cover or a movie star doesn’t mean you are overweight. Appreciate the body you have now, because it won’t last.

4. Stepping out of your comfort zone will often yield incredible rewards.

5. Appreciate your parents. They have given more of themselves than you could ever realize. Don’t take that for granted. Don’t be so wrapped up in your own affairs that you forget they have feelings, too.

6. Expect good times less often. Appreciate them much more.

7. Don’t assume you know why someone is acting or reacting in a certain way. It is hard enough to understand your own motives, much less someone else’s.

8. Face your fears head-on!

9. You don’t need a loan to buy a car or a piece of furniture. Live on what you make.

10. Just because someone tells you your nose is too big or your feet are too small, doesn’t mean its true. Find your worth in Jesus Christ, not in the opinions of others.

11. Money doesn’t make you happy.

12. Don’t dwell on your fears and worrisome details of life. Figure it out as best you can, do what you can to resolve the problem, pray hard, and then think about something else.

13. You will blink and life will be half over. Savor every single moment of it.

This list certainly isn’t exhaustive. Feel free to comment below and add some of the things you wish you would have known!

Crossing Hadrian’s Wall

Leave a Comment / July 28, 2011 July 28, 2011

Who we are sometimes changes depending upon where we are. Let me explain. The other night I was watching a movie about a Roman soldier in Britannia and his slave boy, Esca, from the North. Marcus was the confident, perhaps even arrogant, slave owner. But when a mission crossed them over Hadrian’s Wall into enemy territory…the homeland of the slave boy…things changed. When found by a rival tribe, the slave boy became the slave owner. The slave owner became the slave. But through everything, the slave boy’s loyalty remained pure and true to his owner. At that point, he could’ve run away. But he didn’t.

While Esca was in Roman Britannia, he was a slave. There wasn’t a question, there wasn’t an option, it was who he was. While in difficult times, I easily remember that I am a slave of Jesus Christ. I don’t question it, but cry out to Him for wisdom, for grace, for mercy. I find comfort in being a slave…of knowing my future lies in the hands of my Slave Owner.

While Esca was in his homeland, he had an option. He could have chosen to be the leader, the slave owner, or, at the very least, he could have chosen to be free. I would like to put forth here that his homeland is a little like our everyday, modern America.

Most of us make a choice on whether or not we will be Christ’s slave each day. We have that choice because we are well-fed and clothed, with homes full of stuff. Many of us are surrounded by family and friends who love us. The resources in this country seem unlimited. We have everything we could ever need and many of us have forged a path towards living out our dreams. But what all this does is put us in charge. Because we don’t really need God. We can live our daily lives, call ourselves Christians, and have days go by without ever giving thought to God’s will for us. We aren’t praying for wisdom or direction…but we are praying like we are the slave owner…”Lord, give me this” or “Lord, I really need that.”

As I write this, I see this tendency in my own life. The natural bent towards wanting to run “me”, instead of submitting to the will of my Heavenly Father. May we, instead, be like Esca–making the choice to be a slave each and every day. May we remain loyal to our Slave Owner, even in a land where we have the option to make a choice.

Floating the right direction

Leave a Comment / July 25, 2011 July 25, 2011

It was so HOT. Even in the mountains. So we grabbed some tubes and headed to the creek. We were floating gently along, feeling the warm sunshine on our faces, when I felt someone bump into me. My good friend had purposely pushed her husband’s tube away from hers inadvertently towards me. She quipped, “I meant to push him away but not towards another woman!” and we joked about the symbolism of that and I told her it would probably end up in one of my blogs. And here it is!

I couldn’t let that one go. We do that, don’t we? We gently push our spouse away. We don’t plan to push them towards someone else’s arms. That is truly not our intention. Perhaps we just are struggling through something we don’t want to share with them (which is never a good idea, anyway) or maybe we tend to be more solitary and like to be alone or maybe we work too much or focus too much on the kids instead of our spouse.

Sometimes we just would rather watch TV than listen to our best friend talk about his golf game or her trip to the mall. We are too lazy to get up off the chair and look at something they created or fixed or found.

Or perhaps we have become much more comfortable at sharing the negative about them and the positive about others. When men tell their wives they are too fat or too skinny or their feet or nose are too big…that is like giving his wife a giant push away from him. And when a wife tells her husband that “you don’t know what you’re doing” or jokes about his faults in front of their friends…she is doing the same. We need to be so very careful with our words.

And, finally, one day, after years of bad communication patterns, we wake up and our spouse is in someone else’s arms. They are looking towards someone else to meet their needs for love and respect and passion. If they aren’t needed at home then they will go somewhere else. It happens over and over again…each and every day. It is one of the most tragic events in existence. Families crumble, children suffer.

A successful marriage takes so much work. And we make choices to keep our spouse close or to push them away every day. Every marriage goes through cycles, but if it is made up of only pushing away it means your inner tubes are floating further and further away from each other. And the further you float away, the harder it is–the more work it is– to swim back towards each other again.

But it is worth the work! No matter where you find yourself. And today is a good day to start! If you have been struggling giving attention to your spouse, make today a new beginning! Listen to them today. Be kind. And keep that inner tube close to yours, before they float away out of sight!

A humiliating trip to the store

Leave a Comment / July 21, 2011 July 21, 2011

It had been a long day. I had taken my youngest daughter to the city zoo and we were exhausted. I had worn a comfortable outfit and shoes to walk around all day and I am sure my hair was flat from all the heat and humidity. I knew I wasn’t ready for any magazine cover or anything!

I had been looking for a specific piece of furniture and could not find it at home. So we decided to stop at the Crate and Barrel store to look for it. We looked around downstairs for a few moments and then headed upstairs to the furniture area. As our escalator reached the top, there was a salesman standing there. I will never forget his reaction. He very deliberately looked us over from head to toe, decided we didn’t have money, and walked away. I could almost see the wheels turning inside his head.

I wanted to run over and get in his face and let him know that I did have money to spend and who did he think he was, anyway? But, of course, I restrained myself with a few evil glances towards him. Yes, I know that wasn’t the best reaction, either!

Now, I am under no illusion that I am the classiest person around. But to be “told” that by the salesman’s reaction to me was…if I am honest…a bit hurtful. He had glanced at me, judged me, and then condescendingly written me off.

As I left the store, I wondered if I have ever made anyone feel like that? Condescension can take many forms. Before that trip to the store, I had always thought of it in terms of spoken words. After that trip, I realized that condescension can be expressed without ever speaking a word. And judgment can be made without ever knowing any facts, whatsoever.

We have all heard the quote: “don’t judge a book by its cover” and we will flippantly quote it. But we do judge others on outward appearance. And, yet, so often our condescension is unwarranted…because it could very well be that the person I am so callously judging is smarter than me, richer than me, more talented than me.

That salesman made an incorrect judgment that may have cost him a sale. I was really hoping to find the piece of furniture I wanted and deliberately go to a different salesman. I was actually hoping to find several thousands of dollars worth of furniture just to show him! But, alas, I didn’t need several thousand dollars’ worth of furniture nor did I even find the small piece of furniture I came for in the first place. So, we left with a few sundry items and I chalked it up to life experience.

But my conclusion was this: What can you ever lose by being friendly? Nothing. What can you lose by being condescending? A potential friendship, business connection, or, as in this case, a sale.

Philosophizing in the Treehouse

Leave a Comment / July 18, 2011 March 1, 2017

When I was about 8 years old, my dad built a treehouse for my brother and me. We thought it was awesome. We even tried to spend the night out there with our cousins, but ended up too scared and came in the house.

But my most vivid memory from that treehouse was a conversation I had with a neighbor girl. She told me something like this: “Oh, I don’t worry about sinning. I just ask forgiveness from God afterwards. I can do whatever I want, because He forgives me.”

As she spoke them, I remember my little girl mind feeling uneasy. I knew that there was some truth to her words. But the attitude in which she was saying them…the rationalization she was using to permit herself to sin more often was…just wrong.

Sure, I recognize now that she probably heard her very dysfunctional parents say something of the sort. Kids are usually repeating words they have heard at home. I wish I knew what happened to her. I can’t even remember her name. But, suffice it to say, if she went into life with that philosophy, she probably didn’t truly understand Christianity.

And, yet, many of us play around a bit with that philosophy, even if we don’t fully live by it. We have our little hidden, tucked-away sins and we think, “Awww, this is such a small thing and God forgives me, so I guess it doesn’t really matter.”

But it does matter.

You see, while we are all human and will continue messing up, making mistakes, and plain out sinning against God, we should never do so intentionally. We should never think, “I can tell this lie or go to this place or gossip about this person because I know God will forgive me.” Have you ever caught yourself doing that?

How our Heavenly Father must grieve when we sin purposely. Watching us discount and ignore the incredible, sacrificial gift of His Son. Taking advantage of that magnificent grace and mercy that He has bestowed so freely onto us–that magnificent grace and mercy that we didn’t deserve in the first place.

Let’s remember today how much our sin grieves our Heavenly Father. Let’s remember that no sin is a small sin. And let’s never cheapen salvation by continuing in sin.

What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? ²Certainly not! How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it? ³Or do you not know that as many of us as were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into His death? ⁴Therefore we were buried with Him through baptism into death, that just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life. Romans 6:1-4

Gaps

Leave a Comment / July 14, 2011 July 14, 2011

When someone dies unexpectedly or when they hurt us by walking away from a family, from a friendship, from church, from God…we often try to comfort ourselves with the thought that everything will be okay. And it will. But it will never be the same. Because people are not replaceable. People are not like a pair of shoes or a sofa or a new microwave…people are individually designed by God with unique personalities and quirks. People create huge gaps when they are removed from our lives.

Last night I was dead-heading some snapdragons. As I looked at the bed, the plant right in the middle had died. I had seen it struggling but wasn’t quite sure what to do. I couldn’t really figure out what was wrong, since the plants around it were so healthy. Last night I finally did the inevitable. I pulled it out. And it left a large gap right in the middle of my snapdragon bed. A gap that I can’t really do anything about, since the flowers at the markets and nurseries are long gone. I will need to look at that gap until this fall when I rip them all out and can start again next spring. As I ripped that plant out I thought about how much that plant is like a person who has unexpectedly left those who love him.

Oftentimes we have no idea why…why did the flower wilt and die in the middle of healthy plants? Why did that person walk away? Why did God allow that person to die? Just like that large hole left by my snapdragon, people leave large gaps that can’t be filled. We cope, we hurt, and eventually it gets better…less painful. But every time we walk by that flower bed in our mind, we grieve. Eventually, we can focus on the other beautiful snapdragons around the gap. And, thankfully, we have the wonderful gift of memory…and we can remember the snapdragon bed when it was whole and full of bright, happy flowers.

But life changes. A lot. And there just aren’t a lot of fairytale endings. Many of us have watched our marriages wilt, our churches split, a friendship fade away, and loved ones grow sick. This is the world we are in. How we grieve…how we cope…how we move on is critical to our own health and well-being…and often the well-being of our families, as well.

So, how do you grieve in a healthy way? I am not sure I know the answer to that. It is probably a dark, lonely, rocky path we all need to walk alone and it is probably a little bit different for all of us. But a healthy start is probably acknowledging that we have a huge gap in our life left by someone we loved very much…someone who cannot be replaced. And then facing it head-on, accepting this change, and working through that loss without bitterness. Easy to write…a bit harder to live.

What should we really expect from God?

Leave a Comment / July 11, 2011 July 11, 2011

Why does God exist? Many of us treat God like a great genie in Heaven who should give us our every wish and whim and then we stamp our feet with frustration when we don’t get it. But should this be our expectation? Here are a few words of wisdom on this topic from Tozer–

Brethren, we ought to learn—and learn it very soon—that it is much better to have God first and have God Himself even if we have only a thin dime than to have all the riches and all the influence in the world and not have God with it!

John Wesley believed that men ought to seek God alone because God is love, and he advised people in his day: “If anyone comes preaching and tells you to seek anything more than love, do not listen, do not listen!” I think in our day we are in need of such an admonition as, “Seek more of God—and seek Him for Himself alone!” If we become serious-minded about this, we would soon discover that all of the gifts of God come along with the knowledge and the presence of God Himself.

Actually, anything or anyone that keeps me from knowing God in this vital and personal way is my enemy. If it is a friend that stands in my way, the friend is an enemy. If it is a gift that stands between us, that gift is an enemy. It may be an ambition, it may be a victory in the past, it may even be a defeat which still overwhelms me—any of these allowed to stand between the Lord and myself becomes an enemy and may keep me from further knowledge of God.

Have you had any part in this cheapening of the gospel by making God your servant? Have you allowed leanness to come to your soul because you have been expecting that God would come around with a basket giving away presents?

Perhaps some of us have a tendency to think of God standing around and tossing dimes to the children as John D. Rockefeller used to do. Can it be true that Christian believers are engaged in scrambling for those shiny, new dimes and then write a tract about it, such as “I Found a Shiny Dime and It Had the Image of God on It!”

Brethren, let’s not try to compare anything like that with the deep and satisfying knowledge of God Himself. Know Him! Go on to know Him! Then, if anyone comes to quote Scriptures and argue that your experience is all wrong, you can reply, “You are a good expositor—but I happen to know my Lord, and I love Him just for Himself!”

This is all that the Lord desires for us—and it is in this that we fulfill the purpose for which He created us!

—From I Talk Back to the Devil by A.W. Tozer

Who do we think we are fooling?

1 Comment / July 7, 2011 July 7, 2011

I searched through drawers. I searched through my winter bin of clothing. In the closet. Under the bed. In the bathroom. WHERE was my swimming suit? The thing never turned up. Somehow–I will probably never know what happened to it–I had lost the bottom to my bathing suit. Uuggh. I knew what that meant. I would have to purchase a new bathing suit. I HATE bathing suit shopping. Because somewhere in the last 20 years I went from thin to…not thin.

As I searched for the perfect bathing suit, I saw all kinds of words attached to suit tags or descriptions: “tummy control panel” “slimming” “shirring”. Now I ask you– have you ever seen anyone magically transformed by a tummy panel or strategically placed “shirring”? The answer is no. A thousand times no. If I am overweight it doesn’t matter what bathing suit I choose, I will look overweight. Sure, some suits will appear more stylish and slimming, but there is no swimsuit out there that can truly hide what I really look like.

And that got me thinking–we do the same thing with our spiritual lives. We put on church attendance, or sponsoring a third world child, or maybe even “personal devotions” like they are a swimsuit. We hope that these acts will hide our habitual sins. But if we aren’t living our lives to please the Lord, it is obvious to everyone. If we are spending more time at the bar than church…if our conversations are full of criticism and unkind words about others…if we allow things in our homes that would make our grandmother blush with shame…if our bathing suit leaves little to the imagination…if the first thing out of our mouth when we are frustrated is a cuss word…if we are quick to anger…these things are indicative that something is wrong with us spiritually.

We can’t hide it by going to church. Or offering “deep, spiritual” answers to questions in Sunday School. Or by attending a Bible Study at which we appear to be so attentive. We can’t hide it by being part of the worship team or by volunteering at Bible School.

Our true, spiritual selves cannot be hidden…just like our fat cannot be hidden. Sure most people will ignore the fat…and the sin…they see. Or they will broach the subject ever so lightly by a sarcastic remark or a quiet, under-the-breath comment. But everyone sees it. If we are trying to walk the fence between God and the world, we aren’t fooling anyone…except maybe ourselves!

In fact, we are often fooling ourselves, aren’t we? We want to do what we want to do and do not plan on letting anyone, much less God, stop us. And we start thinking that we are spiritually healthy, when we are not. Let’s open our eyes when we read God’s Word, asking the Lord to convict us of the sin in our lives. Let’s ask of every choice we make: which choice will most glorify the Lord? And if we have a friend or parent or mentor who is honest enough to tell us the truth…we need to thank them…and then turn from our sin and keep growing. Because otherwise we are parading along on the beach, thinking we have covered our flaws so spectacularly…when really we haven’t fooled anyone.

James 1:22-25