Real Life Stories – Page 36

a moment of chagrin

Leave a Comment / August 29, 2011 August 29, 2011

“What a dumb driver! What is WRONG with you?? Don’t you get these roundabout things? They do not take a brain surgeon!” All of this was said to myself, in my car, totally alone. I was directing it to the obviously incapable driver ahead of me who had stopped when they should have kept going. When I got to that yield sign, I just kept going…just like I was supposed to. I thought.

It wasn’t until a day later that I realized that I…ME…I was the wrong one. I was supposed to yield to the person on my left. For some reason, I got confused and thought the person on my left was to yield to me. I wondered what interesting words the driver that I pulled out in front of had to say to ME, as he drove in his car, all alone. I was glad I couldn’t hear them! My face is turning red and hot, even as I write this. I realize I was the “dumb driver”.

Anyone else ever do stupid things like that? I still can’t even imagine how I did that? I KNEW what was the correct etiquette for that stupid roundabout. Why did my brain freeze and let me down completely?

I will tell you why…because I am getting old. BUT I think there is more to it than that. I think it is because sometimes I can start to get a little high and mighty. You see, on more than one occasion I had thought unkind thoughts about the drivers I have followed through that roundabout. Why can’t that incompetent driver understand something as simple as driving around a roundabout?? I mean really–how dumb are they? AND then, on that fateful day, I was the dumb one. Yep. Me.

And, all of a sudden, I was knocked down quite a few pegs. And you know what? I am glad that it happened–red-faced–but glad. And I will tell you why. Because no one likes a know-it-all. No one likes someone who thinks they have all of the answers and that anyone who doesn’t have the answer is unintelligent. It is moments like these that keep us from becoming one of these arrogant bores. If we choose to learn from them.

You may wonder why I am choosing to share such an embarrassing moment with you. I could keep it completely to myself and no one would be the wiser. After all, I was totally alone in my car when it happened. But maybe…just maybe…someone else has had this happen to them. Maybe they, too, have learned from some stupid moments like I have. And if not, maybe one day there will be a stupid moment they need to learn from. Whatever the case, if my ridiculous, embarrassing moment can help someone realize they are not alone in their humanity with all its faults and ridiculousness, it is worth it.

Steel Rods (and why they do not belong in a marriage)

2 Comments / August 18, 2011 April 25, 2015

I could almost feel the hot, molten metal filling my spine. At first, came the searing heat of anger.

“You can’t tell me what to do!”

“Who do you think you are, anyway?”

“If you love me, you would consider my point of view.”

The red, liquid metal hardened to solid, unyielding steel as the days passed and my thoughts frequently turned to the topic of debate. I felt my heart harden right along with my spine. I wasn’t moving. We had come to an impasse, my husband and I.

What were we going to do about it? Because– did I mention this already?–I wasn’t moving.

I felt a flutter of discomfort–perhaps the Holy Spirit–move in me. I ignored it. I went on with my daily activities like everything was fine. As did my husband. Every now and then we would try to talk about it. And get nowhere. Finally, I think we both gave up.

A couple of weeks later, we were able to talk more about it. I was able to state my valid points in a kind and open way, instead of with an angry finality. I think he really did hear me and we came to an agreeable understanding about the topic, for the most part.

But I still couldn’t pray. Any efforts at prayer couldn’t get beyond the white ceiling above my head. What was wrong, Lord? Why didn’t I feel at peace with You?

I tried to figure it out. My mind glossed over the steel rod already hardened somewhere deep within. It couldn’t be that.

“Lord, you have to understand. I know my husband is the leader, but…You can only expect so much, Lord.”

My excuses went on inside my head for a day or two. But I knew what was keeping me from fellowship with God. I finally submitted to Him and to my husband’s leadership. When I had confessed my sin, I prayed that God would provide a private moment with my husband so that I could apologize. God graciously granted me this often scarce blessing almost immediately and I humbly apologized to my husband.

Did that mean I had changed my opinion about the topic we had heatedly disagreed on? No, not even a bit. But I found that discussing my very strong feelings on this subject with kindness and openness and listening ears made a huge difference in not only that one particular conversation but in the status of our relationship. Instead, I had chosen to plant my feet in concrete and had single-handedly launched our marriage into some very difficult weeks.

I am sharing my experience here as a wife with her husband. But, let’s not forget that men do this, too. Men, please do not use your God-given role as leader to excuse a steel rod within you. Speaking words like “I am the leader, you are to be submissive and do as I say” will build a high wall between you and your wife before you can even spit out that sentence. Your wife is quite familiar with that steel rod of yours. And she feels quite lonely and unloved because of it. If you love your wife, show her how important she is by asking for her thoughts and opinions on things. Show her you care enough to listen.

There is just no room for steel rods in either spouse in a godly marriage. Steel rods make for very lonely people living in the same house. If something is so important that you are willing to sacrifice the health of your marriage on the altar of it, you’d better make sure it is worthy of that sacrifice. Did your wife ask you to lie on your tax return? Did your husband ask you to steal something? It had better be that serious.

We need to lovingly listen to one another. And when we come to an impasse or a disagreement that just can’t be bridged, then the husband needs to lovingly assert his God-given authority and the women needs to humbly submit to that authority.*

And don’t forget to pray together. And pray for each other. If you and your spouse are struggling through something and you feel really strongly about it, speak softly** and pray that your husband or wife would really hear you. And be humble enough to ask the Lord to show you if you are the one who needs to change your mind.

Love, kindness, and humility bring not only a lasting marriage but a healthy marriage. Let’s strive to have healthy, long-lasting marriages. Let’s show the world that marriages modeled after God’s Word are not only different but, oh, so rewarding!

*Ephesians 5:22-33: 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. ²⁴ Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.
²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, ²⁶ that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, ²⁷ that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. ²⁸ So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. ³⁰ For we are members of His body,^[d] of His flesh and of His bones. ³¹ “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”^[e] ³² This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. ³³ Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

**Proverbs 15:1: A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Saving the Peach Cobbler

Leave a Comment / August 15, 2011 August 15, 2011

So…which is better? To try and fail? Or to never try at all?

My daughter and I had decided to make a homemade dessert for dinner Saturday night. We had just spent an hour peeling peaches and mixing dough. The Peach Cobbler looked yummy! I picked it up…Oh, no!…I forgot the peaches had already been in the oven for a few minutes!…that dish is hot!…CRASH! Hot peaches and gooey dough landed on the oven door and spilled over onto the floor.

Are there words to describe the disappointment in that brief moment? All that work…for nothing. I looked at my daughter. She looked at me. I finally shrugged my shoulders. It is what it is. Having no better tools to work with, I took a spatula and scraped the mixture of peaches, sugar, cinnamon, and flour on the oven door back into the baking dish. And then we got the rest of the sticky mess off of the floor.

I got off my knees when we were all done and ruefully looked at that peach cobbler. But, wait…sure- it didn’t look good…but a seed of a thought was forming in my brain…how would it taste?…what could it hurt? I put the whole unappetizing mess in the oven.

While it was a little funny-looking, it tasted really good and we ate almost the whole thing at dinner that night.

We tried. We failed. We made the best of it.

I tried something else a couple of weeks ago. A new ministry for me. I had a lot of hesitation. I did not think it would be a good fit for me. I was right.

I tried. I failed. How do you make the best of something like that? I have been trying to figure that out for awhile now. But I think one way is to share with you what I learned from that experience–

–I learned that, without a doubt, that ministry is not for me. If I had not tried it, I would have always wondered. Unless you try something, you can’t really KNOW.

–I learned that people will judge you for certain decisions you make. But they do not have all of the details. This failure has encouraged me not to judge others when they make a decision and I do not know the full story.

–I learned that I am getting older. That wasn’t really a very nice thing to learn. But there you are. I have to accept my limitations. We all do.

–I learned that you have to do what is right. And sometimes that means QUIT. Which is a four letter word in our family. A hard thing to come to terms with.

–And I learned that I need to serve in areas where I am gifted. We all do. And if we do that, then we will be like the church body that Paul describes in I Corinthians 12. We will all have different areas in which we serve and together we will make a difference for God’s Kingdom.

So…in the long run…was trying and failing better than not trying at all? I am still not sure. The wounds are a little fresh yet. But would I do it differently? No, probably not. As painful of a time as that was, I did learn some valuable lessons I would not have learned any other way.

Roller Coaster Ride

Leave a Comment / August 11, 2011 August 11, 2011

Somehow my son and I had chosen the wrong line. We had chosen the line for “single” riders to go in the front car. This was not good. He was about 8, so I wasn’t planning on going on this Monster Coaster without him. But, despite my plans, here we were. We were each going alone. I will never forget getting to the top of that steep incline, in the front of the highest coaster I had ever been on, not being able to even see the track in front of me, the drop was that drastic. I glanced out over the beautiful scene spread out below me for a second and then…off I went on one of the wildest amusement park rides of my memory.

I have felt a little like life is like this. We get a split-second to enjoy the blessings…and then we are off on another wild ride. Sometimes when the ride is over, the scenery is the same. Most often, though, it is not. While on the ride, someone we love is gone from our life or we have had to move to a different town or change jobs. And sometimes the ride is actually a good thing…a new baby or a wedding. But one way or another, we usually do not return to the same life we started in.

And sometimes…we get on rides we just didn’t want to go on. We kick and scream…but there we are…locked into that rollercoaster car, high above everything, with no path of escape.

For some reason, this week I have been thinking about the Jews during the Holocaust who were taken away in the train cars. Many of them were quite cultured and very wealthy. And, when very gradually, they realized they were the target of a madman, it was too late for many of them to leave Germany. And, all of a sudden, many of them were thrown onto a roller coaster ride that was their last one.

But, did you notice, no matter how terrible or tragic the ending–a roller coaster ride does end? It does not last forever. You do get off. Sure, sometimes you get right back on…but sometimes you get a breather.

But this is life. We have to face it. We can’t live on last year’s roller coaster. We can’t waste time dreaming about future roller coasters. We need to appreciate and grow from the roller coaster we are on now. Right now. At this moment. Because you all are on some sort of ride. Maybe it is a milder ride…maybe it is wild and crazy. But at the end of whatever ride you are on…your children will be older, you will be a little bit (or a lot) different, and the scenery will have shifted just a bit.

Let’s all hang on and try to enjoy it as best we can!

Choices

Leave a Comment / August 8, 2011 August 8, 2011

The little boy jumped up and down on his bed excitedly. He was going fishing with Daddy after his nap! He had jumped the blue and red comforter almost all the way off of the bed by the time Daddy scolded him. Daddy told him to rest a few hours and then they would go. He laid down and tried to close his eyes. Meanwhile, Daddy told Mommy that he had to run out to do an errand, or to go hunting, or to see a friend. Mommy believed him. Instead, Daddy was headed somewhere else.

I can’t help but wonder if this was the story behind the minivan I saw parked at the “adult” store we passed on the way home from a trip away yesterday.

Lives destroyed by our choices. Not only our own lives are affected by our choices, but the lives of our families. In this case, it is a choice to visit an “adult” store. Instead of working things out at home, it is easier to just run away. But, even if we have no inclination to visit an “adult” store…EVER…we still have choices to make, don’t we? Choices that affect those around us.

Choices as damaging as lingering over coffee with a co-worker of the opposite sex long after business has been discussed. Or perhaps it is something as simple as choosing to watch TV instead of playing and having fun with your kids. But both of these decisions have consequences.

Choices based only on our own selfish desires are almost always destined for bad consequences.

I can remember years ago, when I was in the habit of turning on Oprah, an episode about “successful” women. Most of these women were heads of multi-million dollar companies or had developed wonderful charities. There was one thing each of these women had in common. If I remember correctly, I think all of them had gotten divorced through the process of fulfilling their “dream”.

They had made a choice to “follow their hearts” and had chosen their desires over their families. They were praised and applauded for making this choice by the world.

But if they could do it again, would they find it worth it? Were they really happy? Or were those plastered smiles on their made-up faces covering a whole host of hurt, pain, and questions? Who determined that being the head of a multi-million dollar company deserves the praise of the world but choosing the selfless way of being a wife and mother does not?

If I am being honest here, and I may as well be, or you won’t even want to read what I am writing…I really struggle with making selfish choices. Oh, not the big things…but in the little things. The things that reap small, negative consequences…like strained relationships. And almost every time I make a choice based on my selfish desire, without care for anyone else’s feelings or thoughts on the choice, I find myself in the midst of arguments, hurt feelings, and chaos.

You see, the world will tell you to focus on yourself and what YOU want. This message is plastered on billboards. It is on almost every reality TV show. It is the message of many a magazine article. We find this message everywhere. We find it everywhere– except in the Bible. Not once in the Bible do I find a command to think of myself first when making a choice. It is always about thinking of God first. Of others first.

A difficult command to live out in today’s culture.

Floating the right direction

Leave a Comment / July 25, 2011 July 25, 2011

It was so HOT. Even in the mountains. So we grabbed some tubes and headed to the creek. We were floating gently along, feeling the warm sunshine on our faces, when I felt someone bump into me. My good friend had purposely pushed her husband’s tube away from hers inadvertently towards me. She quipped, “I meant to push him away but not towards another woman!” and we joked about the symbolism of that and I told her it would probably end up in one of my blogs. And here it is!

I couldn’t let that one go. We do that, don’t we? We gently push our spouse away. We don’t plan to push them towards someone else’s arms. That is truly not our intention. Perhaps we just are struggling through something we don’t want to share with them (which is never a good idea, anyway) or maybe we tend to be more solitary and like to be alone or maybe we work too much or focus too much on the kids instead of our spouse.

Sometimes we just would rather watch TV than listen to our best friend talk about his golf game or her trip to the mall. We are too lazy to get up off the chair and look at something they created or fixed or found.

Or perhaps we have become much more comfortable at sharing the negative about them and the positive about others. When men tell their wives they are too fat or too skinny or their feet or nose are too big…that is like giving his wife a giant push away from him. And when a wife tells her husband that “you don’t know what you’re doing” or jokes about his faults in front of their friends…she is doing the same. We need to be so very careful with our words.

And, finally, one day, after years of bad communication patterns, we wake up and our spouse is in someone else’s arms. They are looking towards someone else to meet their needs for love and respect and passion. If they aren’t needed at home then they will go somewhere else. It happens over and over again…each and every day. It is one of the most tragic events in existence. Families crumble, children suffer.

A successful marriage takes so much work. And we make choices to keep our spouse close or to push them away every day. Every marriage goes through cycles, but if it is made up of only pushing away it means your inner tubes are floating further and further away from each other. And the further you float away, the harder it is–the more work it is– to swim back towards each other again.

But it is worth the work! No matter where you find yourself. And today is a good day to start! If you have been struggling giving attention to your spouse, make today a new beginning! Listen to them today. Be kind. And keep that inner tube close to yours, before they float away out of sight!

A humiliating trip to the store

Leave a Comment / July 21, 2011 July 21, 2011

It had been a long day. I had taken my youngest daughter to the city zoo and we were exhausted. I had worn a comfortable outfit and shoes to walk around all day and I am sure my hair was flat from all the heat and humidity. I knew I wasn’t ready for any magazine cover or anything!

I had been looking for a specific piece of furniture and could not find it at home. So we decided to stop at the Crate and Barrel store to look for it. We looked around downstairs for a few moments and then headed upstairs to the furniture area. As our escalator reached the top, there was a salesman standing there. I will never forget his reaction. He very deliberately looked us over from head to toe, decided we didn’t have money, and walked away. I could almost see the wheels turning inside his head.

I wanted to run over and get in his face and let him know that I did have money to spend and who did he think he was, anyway? But, of course, I restrained myself with a few evil glances towards him. Yes, I know that wasn’t the best reaction, either!

Now, I am under no illusion that I am the classiest person around. But to be “told” that by the salesman’s reaction to me was…if I am honest…a bit hurtful. He had glanced at me, judged me, and then condescendingly written me off.

As I left the store, I wondered if I have ever made anyone feel like that? Condescension can take many forms. Before that trip to the store, I had always thought of it in terms of spoken words. After that trip, I realized that condescension can be expressed without ever speaking a word. And judgment can be made without ever knowing any facts, whatsoever.

We have all heard the quote: “don’t judge a book by its cover” and we will flippantly quote it. But we do judge others on outward appearance. And, yet, so often our condescension is unwarranted…because it could very well be that the person I am so callously judging is smarter than me, richer than me, more talented than me.

That salesman made an incorrect judgment that may have cost him a sale. I was really hoping to find the piece of furniture I wanted and deliberately go to a different salesman. I was actually hoping to find several thousands of dollars worth of furniture just to show him! But, alas, I didn’t need several thousand dollars’ worth of furniture nor did I even find the small piece of furniture I came for in the first place. So, we left with a few sundry items and I chalked it up to life experience.

But my conclusion was this: What can you ever lose by being friendly? Nothing. What can you lose by being condescending? A potential friendship, business connection, or, as in this case, a sale.

Philosophizing in the Treehouse

Leave a Comment / July 18, 2011 March 1, 2017

When I was about 8 years old, my dad built a treehouse for my brother and me. We thought it was awesome. We even tried to spend the night out there with our cousins, but ended up too scared and came in the house.

But my most vivid memory from that treehouse was a conversation I had with a neighbor girl. She told me something like this: “Oh, I don’t worry about sinning. I just ask forgiveness from God afterwards. I can do whatever I want, because He forgives me.”

As she spoke them, I remember my little girl mind feeling uneasy. I knew that there was some truth to her words. But the attitude in which she was saying them…the rationalization she was using to permit herself to sin more often was…just wrong.

Sure, I recognize now that she probably heard her very dysfunctional parents say something of the sort. Kids are usually repeating words they have heard at home. I wish I knew what happened to her. I can’t even remember her name. But, suffice it to say, if she went into life with that philosophy, she probably didn’t truly understand Christianity.

And, yet, many of us play around a bit with that philosophy, even if we don’t fully live by it. We have our little hidden, tucked-away sins and we think, “Awww, this is such a small thing and God forgives me, so I guess it doesn’t really matter.”

But it does matter.

You see, while we are all human and will continue messing up, making mistakes, and plain out sinning against God, we should never do so intentionally. We should never think, “I can tell this lie or go to this place or gossip about this person because I know God will forgive me.” Have you ever caught yourself doing that?

How our Heavenly Father must grieve when we sin purposely. Watching us discount and ignore the incredible, sacrificial gift of His Son. Taking advantage of that magnificent grace and mercy that He has bestowed so freely onto us–that magnificent grace and mercy that we didn’t deserve in the first place.

Let’s remember today how much our sin grieves our Heavenly Father. Let’s remember that no sin is a small sin. And let’s never cheapen salvation by continuing in sin.

What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? ²Certainly not! How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it? ³Or do you not know that as many of us as were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into His death? ⁴Therefore we were buried with Him through baptism into death, that just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life. Romans 6:1-4

Gaps

Leave a Comment / July 14, 2011 July 14, 2011

When someone dies unexpectedly or when they hurt us by walking away from a family, from a friendship, from church, from God…we often try to comfort ourselves with the thought that everything will be okay. And it will. But it will never be the same. Because people are not replaceable. People are not like a pair of shoes or a sofa or a new microwave…people are individually designed by God with unique personalities and quirks. People create huge gaps when they are removed from our lives.

Last night I was dead-heading some snapdragons. As I looked at the bed, the plant right in the middle had died. I had seen it struggling but wasn’t quite sure what to do. I couldn’t really figure out what was wrong, since the plants around it were so healthy. Last night I finally did the inevitable. I pulled it out. And it left a large gap right in the middle of my snapdragon bed. A gap that I can’t really do anything about, since the flowers at the markets and nurseries are long gone. I will need to look at that gap until this fall when I rip them all out and can start again next spring. As I ripped that plant out I thought about how much that plant is like a person who has unexpectedly left those who love him.

Oftentimes we have no idea why…why did the flower wilt and die in the middle of healthy plants? Why did that person walk away? Why did God allow that person to die? Just like that large hole left by my snapdragon, people leave large gaps that can’t be filled. We cope, we hurt, and eventually it gets better…less painful. But every time we walk by that flower bed in our mind, we grieve. Eventually, we can focus on the other beautiful snapdragons around the gap. And, thankfully, we have the wonderful gift of memory…and we can remember the snapdragon bed when it was whole and full of bright, happy flowers.

But life changes. A lot. And there just aren’t a lot of fairytale endings. Many of us have watched our marriages wilt, our churches split, a friendship fade away, and loved ones grow sick. This is the world we are in. How we grieve…how we cope…how we move on is critical to our own health and well-being…and often the well-being of our families, as well.

So, how do you grieve in a healthy way? I am not sure I know the answer to that. It is probably a dark, lonely, rocky path we all need to walk alone and it is probably a little bit different for all of us. But a healthy start is probably acknowledging that we have a huge gap in our life left by someone we loved very much…someone who cannot be replaced. And then facing it head-on, accepting this change, and working through that loss without bitterness. Easy to write…a bit harder to live.

Who do we think we are fooling?

1 Comment / July 7, 2011 July 7, 2011

I searched through drawers. I searched through my winter bin of clothing. In the closet. Under the bed. In the bathroom. WHERE was my swimming suit? The thing never turned up. Somehow–I will probably never know what happened to it–I had lost the bottom to my bathing suit. Uuggh. I knew what that meant. I would have to purchase a new bathing suit. I HATE bathing suit shopping. Because somewhere in the last 20 years I went from thin to…not thin.

As I searched for the perfect bathing suit, I saw all kinds of words attached to suit tags or descriptions: “tummy control panel” “slimming” “shirring”. Now I ask you– have you ever seen anyone magically transformed by a tummy panel or strategically placed “shirring”? The answer is no. A thousand times no. If I am overweight it doesn’t matter what bathing suit I choose, I will look overweight. Sure, some suits will appear more stylish and slimming, but there is no swimsuit out there that can truly hide what I really look like.

And that got me thinking–we do the same thing with our spiritual lives. We put on church attendance, or sponsoring a third world child, or maybe even “personal devotions” like they are a swimsuit. We hope that these acts will hide our habitual sins. But if we aren’t living our lives to please the Lord, it is obvious to everyone. If we are spending more time at the bar than church…if our conversations are full of criticism and unkind words about others…if we allow things in our homes that would make our grandmother blush with shame…if our bathing suit leaves little to the imagination…if the first thing out of our mouth when we are frustrated is a cuss word…if we are quick to anger…these things are indicative that something is wrong with us spiritually.

We can’t hide it by going to church. Or offering “deep, spiritual” answers to questions in Sunday School. Or by attending a Bible Study at which we appear to be so attentive. We can’t hide it by being part of the worship team or by volunteering at Bible School.

Our true, spiritual selves cannot be hidden…just like our fat cannot be hidden. Sure most people will ignore the fat…and the sin…they see. Or they will broach the subject ever so lightly by a sarcastic remark or a quiet, under-the-breath comment. But everyone sees it. If we are trying to walk the fence between God and the world, we aren’t fooling anyone…except maybe ourselves!

In fact, we are often fooling ourselves, aren’t we? We want to do what we want to do and do not plan on letting anyone, much less God, stop us. And we start thinking that we are spiritually healthy, when we are not. Let’s open our eyes when we read God’s Word, asking the Lord to convict us of the sin in our lives. Let’s ask of every choice we make: which choice will most glorify the Lord? And if we have a friend or parent or mentor who is honest enough to tell us the truth…we need to thank them…and then turn from our sin and keep growing. Because otherwise we are parading along on the beach, thinking we have covered our flaws so spectacularly…when really we haven’t fooled anyone.

James 1:22-25