It felt a little like being punched in your stomach and getting the wind knocked out of you.
I had glanced over and had seen someone I knew from a former time in my life. There was that moment of recognition. I started to smile a hello. But the other person turned away.
Like they didn’t even know me.
Only both of us knew that they did know me.
I’d like to say this doesn’t hurt. But it does. I was never best friends with this person, but we had been friends at one time. And then there were choices followed by insidious lies. And somehow we came out on the other side as The Enemy, with never an opportunity to even defend ourselves.
And, yes, it still hurts.
Why do I share this here? It’s embarrassing. It’s painful. It’s not the stuff we like to talk about.
But it is real life.
I can’t imagine that some of you haven’t had similar experiences at one time or another. As much as we would wish it, life is not wrapped up neatly into a little box tied with a beautiful bow. Happy endings are for another world. True forgiveness is a rare treasure and second chances don’t come around often.
It is what it is.
These kinds of moments always make me think of one of my very favorite verses–
If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. (Romans 12:18)
What does this mean exactly? I am not going to give the deep theological meaning. I am going to give the very practical, applicable meaning in my life at the moment that the above encounter took place.
It means that I very purposely walked up to the other person, ignoring the pain, the fear of rejection, and the awkwardness, and said a friendly hello. It means I asked them about things in their life, trying to be genuinely gracious and kind as I did so.
I didn’t do this out of spite or manipulation. It wasn’t to say I’m better than anyone else. In fact, I didn’t want to do it at all. At all. So why did I do this?
I did it out of pure obedience. I did it because of this verse.
As believers, we are required to love our enemies. To bless those who curse us. To pray for those who persecute us. To do good to those who hate us. (Matthew 5:44; Luke 6:27)
Many are the times I have failed in doing this. It is so much easier to just walk away, adding more bricks to the wall already between me and someone else. But this one time, I think I did what would have pleased my Savior.
When I do take that tentative step of obedience, I can walk away knowing that I have done everything I can do to be at peace with that person who doesn’t like me, which brings that wonderful peace between me and my God. And I can honestly say it also helps to change how I feel about the other person. I’m not sure how or why, but it removes some of the bitterness that may be building in my heart, replacing it with grace and love towards the one who has hurt me. As this defies human logic, I have concluded that this must be God working in the obedient heart.
Oh, how I wish I could be so obedient all the time but, alas, I fail so often. There are few things more painful emotionally than rejection or broken, messy relationships, and working our way through them in a way that honors God is so difficult. But when we can make the choice to love our enemies, we grow in our faith and in our capacity to love. It is not a void decision that makes no difference, but instead fills us with love and peace and the knowledge that God is enough. Sure, one conversation doesn’t make that big of a difference, but it is sure a step in the right direction.
I have no idea what you are dealing with today. I don’t know if it’s a relationship within your family or perhaps your spouse’s family that is causing you great pain. Maybe it’s friends (or people you thought were your friends) at work or school or church. Whoever it is, do what’s right before God and treat them as you would want to be treated. As true soldiers of Christ, let’s commit to showing His love and grace, no matter what the response is from the one who is causing us pain. And in responding in such a surprising way we will not only grow stronger in our own faith but we will shine brightly and offer a choice of hope and love for the hurting, bitter world around us. We will show that Christ does make a difference in the life dedicated to living for Him.
I believe “killing them with kindness” is being fake. Sorry, but that is exactly how it seems. I have been the lost child/scapegoat for so many of my mom’s children when she couldn’t face that “her child” did something terrible. My sister at age 16 was dating my 26 year old sister’s husband and what happened to her? NOTHING. I caught them in the bathroom necking (I was 14) so I taped some scripture on my 16 year old sister’s headboard and my mom went insane on me = I became the problem (scapegoat). That is just one example. It started when I was AGE FOUR. So many times I was the bad. I am done. I will not pretend ever again.
Pretend?? Ignore a problem? If that is what you read in that post, I wish you’d go reread it. Kindness is not synonymous with these things. My goodness. How you deducted that I would condone such a thing as what you experienced from what was written in the post has me quite puzzled…
“Kill them with kindness” is not in the Bible. The Bible says to do good to your enemies. If they need food and drink supply that. Pray for them. It will be like heaping hot coals on their head. I hate the phrase “kill them with kindenss”. Am I allowed to hate a phrase. Heaping hot coals on their heads is supposed to make them have some remorse or understanding that you can still show love to them and they possibly could turn around and “change/repent”. I have been abused for years from a sister-inlaw that pretended to love me when she truly hated me and used all the things I told her would crush me and tried to destroy me after I disagreed with her. She pretended to care and mimincked me for years and then pretended to be doing something that made me believe something was true that wasn’t. I will say this just like my mom and some of my older sisters would say to me, “Your old friend that pretended not to know you, is NOTHING compaired to months of being narcissistically abused by a covert narcissist”. She was cruel and demon-like. “Kill her with kindness”? NEVER. I will stay no contact. Forgiving her wasn’t easy, but I did. Spending one second of time with her? NO. What still hurts like a knife in my chest is that two of my sisters do not believe that this “charming” sister-in-law would do anything wrong. She is just too nice. Satan or a demon in disguise. Why does God hate six things and a seventh is an abomination to him. A person who sows discord among the other Christians. I hate what she did to me and my reaction caused my own flesh and blood to believer her. Now tell me I should spend time with her again. God would have to forgive Satan and a third of the angels that follow Satan. I appreciated to 2015 article but leave out “kill them with kindness” (so fake). You do you though. <3
I agree with you. It is a stupid phrase. I removed it from the post. I don’t sense that you have quite been able to forgive yet. I do hope that you can do that. It sounds like it’s eating you up inside. One thing about grudges that I’ve learned over the years: They hurt you far worse than they hurt the person that hurt you. But I also realize how hard it is when a) someone has betrayed you so painfully and b) when you continue to see them and things were never made right. I am so sorry you have experienced such hurt. I really am.
Thanks. Keep peace AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. You are right, I forgive, take it back, forgive again, take it back like a yo-yo. I don’t know if that will send me to Hell. I hope not. I am repentive but the agony of it keeps me from releasing the forgiveness. To me, it feels like forgiving Satan. God is still working on me. I know that heavenly things will be so much more joy than the strife, sorrow, weeping, gnashing of teeth, we sometimes experience here. In the meantime, I read the bible, pray, and watch for my savior. I do not want to ever see my ex sister-in-law or her enablers again. I am not going to be the bigger person here. They are all Christians, so not in need of the great commission. The old testament talks of the scapegoat. I am done being that. Love, Cate