Who’s the Boss?

Last night, I saw a reel where a man was asking couples he saw on the street: “What is the secret to a long and happy marriage?” He interviewed three couples and each man gave basically the same answer: Listen to your wife; what she says goes.

This is actually how many couples make marriage work. The wife leads and the husband follows like a puppy dog. Yes, dear. Whatever you say, dear.

But what does God have to say about marriage? Does God care who leads? When I was younger, there was a lot of biblical teaching on this subject. I am unsure that this is still the case in most churches.

As always, our first step is to go to the Word. What does it say in the Bible about marriage? Ephesians 5:22-25 is one place we can go to to see God’s opinion about marriage and what it should look like–

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.

I think one of the reasons the church stopped talking about this is because women stopped wanting to hear it. Worldly feminist ideals took root in the hearts of those claiming to love Christ and a disdain and antagonism for this pattern of marriage was a result.

It is rare to hear someone clearly state the truth about marriage anymore: God designed the husband to lead and the woman to joyfully submit to his loving leadership.

Do we see potential issues with this design when carried out by sinners? Of course. Many men do not lovingly lead. They are harsh and unkind and prideful. But that, too, is not God’s design. The husband is sinning if he leads in this manner. And many women do not submit. They want control. They want to be the one who makes the decisions.

I am currently reading through Genesis and this book has many examples of wives usurping their husband’s leadership roles, husbands allowing this, and the two of them together leading their families into the consequences of this departure from God’s design.

Sarai (Sarah) is one example (Genesis 16). She told her husband to lie with her handmaiden so that she could have a child. Abram (Abraham) should have stood up against his wife’s trying to manipulate their future and do God’s job but instead he said, “yes, dear”, and the rest is history. This is an extreme example, as we continue to see the ramifications of his lack of leadership in that decision still today.

I do not know why God designed things the way He did, but I know that God’s way is always best. The husband is responsible before God for his family. I think that is a big responsibility and, frankly, I am glad it is not mine, as a woman. But most men relegate this responsibility to their wives. Sometimes wives don’t even want it. Especially in regards to children.

Another thing that has really challenged the family is the worldly philosophy that our children are the boss. And so we see toddlers telling their parents what they will or will not do. We see kids making demands and running the show. This, too, is a great aberration of God’s design for the family.

Teaching our children to obey and respect us, as their God-given authority, is what will lay the groundwork for their obedience to and respect for God as they grow into adulthood. If we allow rebellion and disobedience when they are two, we can’t expect they are going to just somehow become respectful and obedient as they grow older.

The husband is the leader, the wife is his valuable partner, and the children are a blessing from the Lord and we are to teach them according to scripture. God has such a wonderful plan for families it we’d but follow it.

How important it is that we recognize God’s design for the family and do our best, as genuine believers, to live by it.

Of course, let’s be honest… this is not always easy. Personality can make this a real challenge. Some men aren’t natural leaders and they need to really work at this. Some women are born leaders and so they naturally want to take charge. And some children have extremely strong wills and they can make teaching obedience and submission to authority more than a little challenging!

But, through it all, we need to remember God’s ideal and keep working towards it. We will never do it perfectly (if you’ve learned the secret of how to do this perfectly please let me know!! lol!) but we must keep working at it, no matter what the circumstances or what our personalities.

And there’s no end to this, right? As we get older and move into our empty nest and senior years, the temptation can be to grow lazy in how we live out our faith in the everyday grind. We settle into “what always was”, rather than trying to continue to grow in the area of marriage.

This plays into how we raise our children, as well. We have to do what is best for them, which won’t always feel very good at all. But if we parent by our feelings, we are loving ourselves more than we are loving our children. Such a tough truth.

Let’s be honest, shall we? Satan would like nothing more then to destroy marriages and families, for he knows that a healthy family is the building block of a healthy society. More importantly, I believe he realizes that broken homes and moving away from God’s pattern leads to many issues that keep Christians distracted and depressed and in despair, which keeps them from building God’s Kingdom.

We can clearly see that Satan has experienced spectacular success in destroying the family unit.

While we can’t control society as a whole, we can do what we can to have a biblical marriage and family in our own home. God’s way is best. He didn’t give these “rules” to make our lives miserable. He gave these guidelines because He knows what will actually bring about a happy marriage and successful kids. We obey God because it is right and we don’t follow His guidelines for our own worldly gain but…amazingly, what is best for God is best for us! We are so blessed when we obey God’s commands and follow His will.

I know what I have written here is not the most popular perspective on the topic of marriage and family these days. But popularity isn’t our goal, is it? As a redeemed child of God, our question is: How do I live my life to please God? And we find that answer, little by little, as we search the scriptures. May we all continue, no matter how old we are, to seek after God and desire to please Him in all areas of our lives.