Christianity – Page 59 – Growing 4 Life

The Amish Boy and the Cigarettes

14 Comments / September 19, 2011 August 12, 2019

I didn’t even notice him at first. I was standing in line with my Wawa coffee and peanut butter pretzels. It was about 8:30pm on a Sunday night and we had stopped on our way home from the beach to stretch our legs. Ahead of me in the line was the boy. He was about 18 or 19 years old. He wore black pants, suspenders, and a royal blue shirt. His blonde hair was cut in the typical bowl-cut style used by the Amish. Nothing unusual about him. As he got to the counter, I remember thinking that he had nothing in his hand to buy, which caused me to ponder, as it was highly unlikely that an Amish boy was going to buy gasoline. So I watched. I did not have to watch long. I heard him mumble something that the clerk apparently understood. The clerk reached for a pack of Camels and laid them on the counter. The boy, a little sheepishly, gave him the money and walked away. As I watched the whole thing unfold, I thought about the absolute incongruity of the whole situation. Here was a boy who is part of the Amish church. This church is famously known for its policy of keeping separate from the world–down to its horse-driven plows and their favorite mode of transportation, the horse and buggies (because engines are worldly). They only use gas lights (because electricity is worldly) and use no modern-day conveniences within their homes. And yet he was buying cigarettes.

Now, of course, you can’t live anywhere near an Amish community, without knowing their tradition of “rumm-shpringa”, where boys and girls sow their wild oats for a period of time in their late adolescence. This is often celebrated by drinking and dancing parties. And I guess cigarettes, as well. I confess I have never understood how such a tradition could have ever started and seeing it in action has given me no more insight.

But it did make me wonder. How many things do we Christians do that are so incongruous to what our Lord stands for? Over history Christians did not drink, go to the movies, gamble, swear, or dance. They wouldn’t dream of wearing immodest clothing, much less a bikini. Christians went to church on Sunday mornings. The world recognized this “portrait” of a Christian. That was part of how you could tell if someone was a Christian. Of course, not everyone who behaved in this traditional way was an actual true believer. There were many hypocrites. So much so, that,about 25 years ago, we decided to throw the baby out with the bathwater and decide that God only cares about the heart and we can do whatever we want (although I am not sure what it says about our heart if we desire to do so many of these worldly things…just sayin’). This is the latest thing, is it not? Rationalizing our gambling, our R-rated movies, our swearing, our school dances, and our bikinis. Actually the tide has turned so much that there isn’t much rationalizing going on anymore. Most of the things in that list are already accepted as okay for believers to do.

And how it must break God’s heart. Nowhere in God’s Word is there any indication that we should ever sacrifice our personal holiness to reach the world. In fact, I would say that the whole philosophy has back-fired and we aren’t reaching much of anyone. The people who are reached are those who just want fire insurance. The opportunity to do what they want while “knowing” they will end up in the “good” place for eternity instead of the “bad” place. But salvation that doesn’t include personal holiness isn’t salvation at all.

Of course, there are some new Christians who struggle as they learn God’s Word. They struggle learning what is acceptable in God’s sight. But our Christian culture has gone so far down into a pit, that I truly find myself wondering what exactly would be the description by most Christians of “worldly”. If James tells us to remain unspotted from the world (James 1:27) can someone explain exactly what he means in light of our current “Christian” standards? If we are to be separate (2 Corinthians 6), how is this accomplished exactly? John 15:19 goes so far as to say we will be hated by the world, because the world loves its own.

Wow. This was not really the direction I was headed when I started writing about that poor, pathetic Amish boy. The boy who has “permission” from his “Church” to do and behave in whatever way he wants for a short period of time. Seeing this tradition in action makes me realize how silly we Christians look in our worldly actions. Claiming to love a Holy God, and being anything but holy in our behavior. It is utterly incongruous and quite sobering, indeed.

Water in the Basement

Leave a Comment / September 15, 2011 June 24, 2015

Last week brought record flooding to the Eastern United States. Water gushed into the basements of thousands. Carpet and furniture were ruined. TVs, computers, and video game consoles were rendered useless. Photos, toys, clothing, and boxes of Christmas decorations all needed to be sorted through–many of the items tossed into the trash dumpsters that needed to be ordered for the occasion.

Now tell me this–what would happen if someone just decided not to clean up the mess created by the water? What if they just decided to shut the basement door and ignore that it ever happened?

Of course the whole home would become uninhabitable rather quickly. The smell itself would drive out the homeowners. But along with that would come mold and mildew and creatures and sludge. And then, if someone was crazy enough to continue living there, bacteria, infection, and disease would eventually make their presence known.

But, of course, this is a ridiculous line of thought, right? No one in their right mind would let it go this far.

However–

While we might not allow things to rot in our basements, let’s think about our relationships for a minute.

Many of us–maybe even all of us–try to ignore things in our relationships with spouses, children, parents, or friends. We just think if we ignore it it will go away. But would that horrible stench in our basements go away if we just ignore it? Of course not. So why then do we think the problem in our relationship will disappear?

I think this is often the underlying cause of those later-in-life divorces. You know the ones–where they have been married for 25 or 30 years and then, suddenly, out of the blue, the one spouse wants out and the other one never saw it coming. I guarantee you that somewhere in the hazy craziness of all that is going on with that couple, one of them made a decision to ignore something that was really bothering them.

Another example that comes to mind is our teenagers. So many of us just want to ignore the trash on the iPod or the inappropriate texting. Because for the moment, it it the easiest thing to do. But ignoring things like this will lead us to big-time regret.

But it is so much work.

But it is too hard.

But I don’t feel like it.

But I hate conflict.

But it just isn’t worth it to fight.

But I give up.

But I am tired and do not have the energy to deal with this.

But, but, but…

I am afraid we cannot afford the “buts”! What if the basement was flooded and the homeowner pronounced those words?

“I am too tired. It is too hard. It is not worth it. ”

That would be ludicrous, would it not? Why then is it okay for us to do this when we have an issue in a relationship?

Many a marriage has ended in divorce, many a teenager lost to the world, and many friends forever parted–all because someone was not willing to say, “hey, I love you, but this is a problem. Let’s figure this out together, because you are worth it to me.”

Do you have a stench in one of your relationships? Is mold and mildew growing there? Is there a mess that needs to be cleaned up? I know it will be hard work. But it is worth it! Let’s care for and protect our relationships, just like we care for and protect our homes!

Be careful…your character is showing.

1 Comment / September 12, 2011 September 12, 2011

The two boys walked lackadaisically across the street. I waited in my car. Watching them. They both looked unaffected by the fact that a 4500 pound piece of metal on wheels could be used as a weapon with the wrong driver. They looked unaffected by much of anything, actually. I suppose that no one ever told these boys that jay-walking is illegal (in other words: wrong). I guess no one had told these boys that walking slowly and lazily across an intersection- even at a crosswalk- is not only selfish and unkind to the motorists waiting for you, but perhaps a little dangerous, as well. From all appearances, these boys did not feel any responsibility to walk faster. In fact, I am quite certain they were completely wrapped up in their own world and cared about no one but themselves.

I can’t help but contrast these boys to the heroic video showed last night in honor of the tenth anniversary of 9-11. The day that is forever etched in many of our minds. Hundreds of human beings stepped way outside of their selfish box. They stepped up to meet the needs of people they did not even know. For hours. And then for days. They searched and dug by bucketfuls through the dust and the rubble. Looking for both the living and the dead. One firemen talked about his dread of doing that work each morning. But he did it. Because it was what he had to do. Often, character and strength will show up in situations like that. Adrenalin moves in and humans do what needs to be done. It is what a hero is made of. I believe I know many heroes. Men and women who would not hesitate to do what’s right in the midst of a crisis. And I am thankful and proud to know them.

But, let’s face it–it is the daily grind where our real character shines through. It is our daily decisions that show who we really are. Our lives are not shaped by a heroic moment or two. They are shaped by each and every decision. It is so very difficult to do the right thing when there is no one watching. It is difficult to do the right thing when the decision (we believe) will affect no one but us. It is difficult to make the right choice when our parents or our spouse or even our children aren’t there to question us.

Whether it is something as small as lazily walking across the road and forcing people to wait for you or as big as landing in prison for selling drugs, they both show a selfish character. A character that says “I am going to do what I want!”, without care for anyone else. Most of us stay within the “acceptable” social guidelines of selfish. There are hundreds of different, very socially, acceptable ways to be selfish in this culture. But it is still selfish. No matter what the culture says.

As you walk through your day, think about each decision you make…and why you are making that decision. Let’s examine ourselves today. Let’s live beyond the status quo.

2 Corinthians 13:5 Examine yourselves as to whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Do you not know yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?—unless indeed you are disqualified.

P.S. God just showed me…like, literally right now, just how selfish I am. As I poured a cup of coffee and had a conversation with my daughter, it quickly turned into a mild argument…because I was being selfish. I may not like this “examine yourself” stuff!

Declaring who you are

1 Comment / September 8, 2011 September 8, 2011

My friend and I tried not to stare at the person in front of us. We had spent a few minutes looking at our menus and this “person” came to wait on us. The problem was we had no idea if it was a boy or a girl. There were so many different clues, declaring both to be true, that we found it impossible to tell. After the person took our order and left our table, we spent a few moments discussing it quietly…sharing the clues each of us had picked up on. There was an “I Love Boys” bracelet. But there was no bra…or anything to fill one. There was the high-pitched voice. But there was the short, cropped hair. We tried to solve this puzzle all through lunch and we just never did. We both left that restaurant still wondering if we were served by a boy or a girl.

This made me wonder…do we make people wonder about our Christianity? When they search for obvious clues can they find them? Or are we confusing people with our signs, so that many people shake their heads and never do really figure out if we are Christians?

She goes to the food bank on Saturdays. But she dresses unseemly and immodestly throughout the week. She goes to church on Sunday. But she was at the bar the night before. He plays in the worship band. But he has an ongoing, angry argument with a family member. He would give you the shirt off of his back. But his language is worse than most truckers.

We are confusing people with our wobbly stance on worldliness and sin. Sure, we all sin. We all make mistakes. But habitual sin and worldliness brings not only heartache for us, but confusion and bewilderment to the unbelievers who are watching us. Are they a Christian? Aren’t they a Christian? Are we sending mixed messages?

I can’t help but wonder if that person who waited on us is happy? I have no idea about the personality or background of this person. Why he OR she chose to live in the middle…somewhere between man and woman. But I do know that straddling ourselves between two opposite sides is a painful, tense place to be.

Let’s declare our Christianity and then make sure our actions match that declaration. Let’s live for the Lord and cast our own worldly desires aside…so that when someone is watching us, we can be certain they will say, “there goes a Christian.”

How to move a pile of dirt

1 Comment / September 5, 2011 August 9, 2016

Sam scratched his head and stared at that pile of dirt. The pile was wide and high. He knew his job required him to move it. But he wondered just how his boss expected him to do that? He stared at the shovel that lay on the ground nearby. Surely, he was not expected to use that? But he did not see any other equipment anywhere. Just when he was about to give up and walk away, his boss brought him a skidloader with a big bucket attached to use. Sam jumped in the machine, excited about using it. But he had never used one before, so he had to first learn and understand the machine before it was actually an effective tool in Sam’s hands. When Sam became familiar and efficient with the machine, the machine did just what it was supposed to do…make an overwhelming, impossible job become possible.

What pile of dirt are you staring at today? What overwhelming, impossible task or ordeal are you staring at? Did you know your Heavenly Father gave you a tool to use? A tool so often mishandled, because we don’t know anything about it. That tool is prayer. God gave us the wonderful gift of prayer.

But prayer is so often misused for our own selfish desires. Or not used at all…until the very last moment, when we realize we can’t fix it ourselves and we may as well just give it to God. Most of us spend our days using a shovel to move our pile of dirt. We moan and lament how hard it is, but we keep moving shovelfuls of dirt. Of course, some of us just give up and walk away from our pile and pretend like its not there.

However, if we take a biblical approach to prayer, then prayer becomes like that machine. A useful tool. Ah…but here is where the problem comes in…a tool to do what? Supply all our wants? Or the wants of others? No. Actually godly prayer has nothing to do with our desires at all, but with what God desires. As we mature in our walk with God, our prayers should be centered around what God desires…not what we desire.

But God loves His children. A lot. And He hears the prayers of those who are truly His saints. If we are going through a difficult time and are really struggling, God wants us to pray about that, too. But our petitions need to be out of a heart of submission and repentance (if necessary). Many are the times King David implores with God to protect him from his enemies and to give him what he needs. But David’s prayers also show his submissive and repentant heart (Psalm 51).

So, how do you know if you are using the tool of prayer in the correct way? With the correct heart? I think it has something to do with how you react when the pile of dirt isn’t moving as fast as YOU think it should…or maybe it’s not moving at all. Do you get angry? Irritable? Depressed? Despairing? You see, if we are praying with a correct attitude of submission to God, then we will not get angry or depressed when our prayers are not answered in the way we think is best.

But that’s in a perfect world…because ALL of us have struggled with this at one point or another. But we need to keep moving in the right direction…using the tool of prayer as the most effective way to further God’s kingdom…just like Sam moved that pile of dirt. Put down your shovel, turn your submissive, repentant heart towards God and let’s allow Him to use us to accomplish the impossible!

Fitting God into our Box

Leave a Comment / September 1, 2011 November 4, 2016

Have you ever tried to pack a suitcase of winter clothing and keep it to the 50 lb airline regulation? Perhaps you were going on a ski trip. Or maybe on a mission trip to a winter land. Whatever the reason, you needed to get a lot of clothing into a very small box. So you fold and you roll. And then you remember the shoes. So you start over. Folding and rolling and stuffing. But the physics of the box demand that you can only put so much stuff into it. So you sit there and stare at that rectangle laying on your bed thinking what can I live without for a couple of weeks? And you start pulling things out until you can get that zipper closed.

Perhaps we do that with God, too. Is it possible that many of us try to fit God into a box that we create? And then when it all doesn’t fit together to our liking, we start discarding the characteristics of God we just do not care for–

God is Just (Deuteronomy 32:4). We don’t understand this one, so we just remove it. We can’t wrap our brains around how God can be loving and just at the same time, so we just forget the Just part and concentrate on the Loving part. Many of us live with a God box that only has love in it. But the Bible says God is also just.

God hates sin (Psalm 45:6). We really dislike this one, so many of us take this one from our suitcase almost immediately, filling our suitcases instead with God’s forgiveness. No matter what I do, God will forgive me! Yes, that’s true and a very important part of God’s character. But let us not forget that God hates that sin we commit and that He forgives. We are grieving Him when we sin. So many of us have such a lackadaisical attitude about sin. Like it doesn’t matter. When is the last time you spent some time confessing your sin to your Heavenly Father? We hardly even hear that word anymore. Confession.

God is Holy (I Peter 1:15-16). If God is holy, and He wants me to be holy, then that means a complete change in who I am and what I do. Some of the words used to describe holy at dictionary.com are “saintly“, “godly“, “dedicated service to God“, and “spiritually pure“. Now think with me for a moment about what you played on your radio yesterday or what you watched on your television or the last movie you went to see. Do these words come to mind in describing your choice of entertainment? Or how about the last time you had a disagreement with a family member or friend? Do these words describe how you responded to them? This Truth extends into all areas of our lives. It is especially a difficult one to keep in the box. It affects how we treat people. What we talk about. Who we hang around with. What we allow in our homes. Where we go. And what we do when no one is watching. And so many, many Christians have effectively moved this right out of their “God box”. They might still mouth the words, but they do not live them and have effectively removed the thought from their minds, too busy, instead, rationalizing why certain behaviors are just fine (and even talking themselves into the belief that they are promoting God’s Kingdom by their worldliness–another “box” issue we won’t go into here).

Above are just a few ways that come to mind about how we try to ignore truths about God that we are given in scripture. Sometimes we also add things to our “God box” that aren’t true. Whatever our tendency, it is a good idea to examine our definition of who God is. Does it agree with all of scripture? If it doesn’t, we had better start over. Go ahead and examine your “God” box. Does it go along with the Word of God? It is time to remove the falsehoods and replace them with the Truth. Because it is only when we have an accurate view of who God is, that we can truly grow and thrive as a believer.

Deuteronomy 32:4 He is the Rock, His work is perfect;For all His ways are justice, A God of truth and without injustice; Righteous and upright is He.

Psalms 45:6 Your throne, O God, [is] forever and ever; A scepter of righteousness [is] the scepter of Your kingdom. 7 You love righteousness and hate wickedness.

I Peter 1:15-16 but as He who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, ¹⁶ because it is written, “Be holy, for I am holy.

a moment of chagrin

Leave a Comment / August 29, 2011 August 29, 2011

“What a dumb driver! What is WRONG with you?? Don’t you get these roundabout things? They do not take a brain surgeon!” All of this was said to myself, in my car, totally alone. I was directing it to the obviously incapable driver ahead of me who had stopped when they should have kept going. When I got to that yield sign, I just kept going…just like I was supposed to. I thought.

It wasn’t until a day later that I realized that I…ME…I was the wrong one. I was supposed to yield to the person on my left. For some reason, I got confused and thought the person on my left was to yield to me. I wondered what interesting words the driver that I pulled out in front of had to say to ME, as he drove in his car, all alone. I was glad I couldn’t hear them! My face is turning red and hot, even as I write this. I realize I was the “dumb driver”.

Anyone else ever do stupid things like that? I still can’t even imagine how I did that? I KNEW what was the correct etiquette for that stupid roundabout. Why did my brain freeze and let me down completely?

I will tell you why…because I am getting old. BUT I think there is more to it than that. I think it is because sometimes I can start to get a little high and mighty. You see, on more than one occasion I had thought unkind thoughts about the drivers I have followed through that roundabout. Why can’t that incompetent driver understand something as simple as driving around a roundabout?? I mean really–how dumb are they? AND then, on that fateful day, I was the dumb one. Yep. Me.

And, all of a sudden, I was knocked down quite a few pegs. And you know what? I am glad that it happened–red-faced–but glad. And I will tell you why. Because no one likes a know-it-all. No one likes someone who thinks they have all of the answers and that anyone who doesn’t have the answer is unintelligent. It is moments like these that keep us from becoming one of these arrogant bores. If we choose to learn from them.

You may wonder why I am choosing to share such an embarrassing moment with you. I could keep it completely to myself and no one would be the wiser. After all, I was totally alone in my car when it happened. But maybe…just maybe…someone else has had this happen to them. Maybe they, too, have learned from some stupid moments like I have. And if not, maybe one day there will be a stupid moment they need to learn from. Whatever the case, if my ridiculous, embarrassing moment can help someone realize they are not alone in their humanity with all its faults and ridiculousness, it is worth it.

Forming a Life

1 Comment / August 25, 2011 August 25, 2011

Little did he realize that when he took that first shot of vodka, he would be forming his future life. He was simply out partying. He wanted to have a good time. Nothing wrong with that. But 20 years later he is an alcoholic. Drinking, cigarettes, and gambling are all known for their addictive qualities but let’s think about some other areas in which we develop bad habits and haven’t even given it a thought–

How about spending money? You use a credit card for a purchase and think–“wow. that was easy.” And so you do it again. And again. Buying stuff you do not need. Stuff you could live without. But it is so easy. And then the bill comes and there is that momentary feeling of uneasiness. But you pay the minimum and then you just keep charging to a credit card that you can’t pay. Stuck in the cycle of credit card billing. Never paying it off. Forming a life of debt.

Or how about with what you eat or drink? Perhaps you find yourself drinking 2 or 3 sodas every day. It isn’t until you decide to kick the habit that you realize the hold that soda (or chocolate…or you fill in the blank) has on you. And your body is starting to rebel. You are gaining weight. You are not feeling well. You are achy. You are tired. You are fueling your body with something it wasn’t ever meant to be fueled with and now you are paying for that decision. Forming a life of indulgence (the opposite of self-control).

Maybe one evening you were so tired, that you just fell in front of the TV to veg. Before you know it, that is what you do every evening. You have wasted thousands of hours vegging in front of an electronic box. Forming a life of laziness.

You see, your life is not formed by the big moments, but by the little moments. Who you are depends on those little decisions you make each and every day.

But the exciting news is that if you are alive, it is not too late to change! And change comes with every little decision. So instead of finding yourself locked in the same pattern…one day, you choose, instead, to–

-walk away from those really cute shoes.

-drink water.

-turn the tv off and read a story to your kids.

And then you continue that same pattern the next day…and the next day…and before you know it, you have made a positive change in your life!

I am personally working on kicking a sugar habit right now. I did not realize just how badly I fueled my body until I was feeling it in a multitude of ways. I am working at making those small decisions to make my life healthier, and consequently, more productive for God’s purposes.

We can never give in to Satan’s lie that it is impossible to change. If we are God’s child and have been saved by His grace, it is NOT impossible to change. God is bigger than my bad habit. Isn’t that good news?

So what little change will you make today?

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” Aristotle

Never Underestimate

Leave a Comment / August 22, 2011 August 22, 2015

In the current wave of a few great books, Christians have been encouraged to meet the physical and spiritual needs of the poor and the orphans. And this is a call that was needed! But I can’t help but wonder if, in the enthusiasm of stepping up and out of our comfort zones, we haven’t forgotten something–

There are still ministries here that are well worth our time and efforts. There are still jobs right here in small-town America (or wherever you are, for that matter) that need doing. They should not be viewed as second class or unimportant in our eyes. Things like–

-Teaching Sunday School to children. Teaching children about God’s Word is so imperative in a time where Sunday School may be the only place children ever hear about God. I have heard many testimonies of adults who became saved through a Sunday School teacher’s ministry. This job can never be underestimated.

-Taking care of elderly parents, or grandparents, or aunt, or church members. Many of us have elderly people in our lives. Let’s not forget them in our excitement to minister in other, more “impressive” ways. I have a feeling that they may get pretty lonely. Many of them have lost their spouses, their friends, their brothers and sisters. They have doctor appointments that they may need help getting to or may need help with some housework or repairs. Sometimes just visiting can be a big boost to their spirits. Especially if we take some little children along.

-Opening up our homes to others. Paul tells us in Romans 12:13 that we are to be given to hospitality. Do you open up your home to the friends of your children? Or to your church group? Or to anyone outside your small circle of family or friends? If so, then you are doing some important work for the Lord. Teens need a good place to hang out. Meeting for a meal in a home is a great way to get to know other church members on a much more personal level. Perhaps there is an unsaved family that you know well enough to have them over for a meal. It is easier to discuss spiritual matters in a home than beside a soccer field or baseball diamond.

-Serving at our church by cleaning up or serving in the nursery or helping in the kitchen or doing the lawn or organizing activities or anything else that helps keep the church running smoothly. We cannot discredit these services. They are often done with little, if any, reward. They have no glamour attached to them and are viewed as unimportant jobs, kept deep in the shadows of the bigger stuff – like adopting orphans or working tirelessly to feed the poor. But they are jobs that someone has to do to keep a church running smoothly and functioning so that church members can grow both spiritually and closer as a church body.

-Ministering in the place we find ourselves most often–the workplace. Your workplace may be your home. Teaching your children about God is a very important work. Or it may be that you find yourself surrounded by unbelievers in an office, or in a restaurant, or on a construction crew. All of these workplaces will lead to ample opportunities to show that you live by different standards and to share the gospel. Or perhaps you are a teacher. Questions from students can lead to some great discussions. I can think of a few teachers who have really come alongside my husband and me in encouraging our kids in their walk with the Lord. What a blessing!

-Serving right here, right now. I have a friend that visits an inner city classroom each week to help children with their school work. I have another friend that teaches public school children about God for an hour each week through a special program. I have another friend that has taught English to foreigners. I have a friend who faithfully teaches a Bible study to other women. I also have friends who work hard at spotting needs that need to be met and then do their best to meet them. Each of these individuals saw an opportunity to minister and then stepped up to be the one to fill the need.

That’s just a very incomplete list of things we can do to serve the Lord in our lives in a practical way. Let’s not forget that the Lord has placed you where you are for a reason. And your job is to find out what that is. Where does the Lord want you to serve? It may be that you are called to foreign service or to adopt an orphan. But it also may be that you are called to build up the church body by serving there on the board or in the Sunday School classroom. It may be that you are a great cook and have a gift for making people feel cared for through the wonderful food you prepare.

May we not grow discouraged as many of us labor in the shadow of the “big stuff”. Let’s do whatever we are called to do to the best of our ability. Always. Knowing that we are serving the Lord and it is all for His glory.

Colossians 3:23-24 And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, ²⁴ knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for^[a] you serve the Lord Christ.

Steel Rods (and why they do not belong in a marriage)

2 Comments / August 18, 2011 April 25, 2015

I could almost feel the hot, molten metal filling my spine. At first, came the searing heat of anger.

“You can’t tell me what to do!”

“Who do you think you are, anyway?”

“If you love me, you would consider my point of view.”

The red, liquid metal hardened to solid, unyielding steel as the days passed and my thoughts frequently turned to the topic of debate. I felt my heart harden right along with my spine. I wasn’t moving. We had come to an impasse, my husband and I.

What were we going to do about it? Because– did I mention this already?–I wasn’t moving.

I felt a flutter of discomfort–perhaps the Holy Spirit–move in me. I ignored it. I went on with my daily activities like everything was fine. As did my husband. Every now and then we would try to talk about it. And get nowhere. Finally, I think we both gave up.

A couple of weeks later, we were able to talk more about it. I was able to state my valid points in a kind and open way, instead of with an angry finality. I think he really did hear me and we came to an agreeable understanding about the topic, for the most part.

But I still couldn’t pray. Any efforts at prayer couldn’t get beyond the white ceiling above my head. What was wrong, Lord? Why didn’t I feel at peace with You?

I tried to figure it out. My mind glossed over the steel rod already hardened somewhere deep within. It couldn’t be that.

“Lord, you have to understand. I know my husband is the leader, but…You can only expect so much, Lord.”

My excuses went on inside my head for a day or two. But I knew what was keeping me from fellowship with God. I finally submitted to Him and to my husband’s leadership. When I had confessed my sin, I prayed that God would provide a private moment with my husband so that I could apologize. God graciously granted me this often scarce blessing almost immediately and I humbly apologized to my husband.

Did that mean I had changed my opinion about the topic we had heatedly disagreed on? No, not even a bit. But I found that discussing my very strong feelings on this subject with kindness and openness and listening ears made a huge difference in not only that one particular conversation but in the status of our relationship. Instead, I had chosen to plant my feet in concrete and had single-handedly launched our marriage into some very difficult weeks.

I am sharing my experience here as a wife with her husband. But, let’s not forget that men do this, too. Men, please do not use your God-given role as leader to excuse a steel rod within you. Speaking words like “I am the leader, you are to be submissive and do as I say” will build a high wall between you and your wife before you can even spit out that sentence. Your wife is quite familiar with that steel rod of yours. And she feels quite lonely and unloved because of it. If you love your wife, show her how important she is by asking for her thoughts and opinions on things. Show her you care enough to listen.

There is just no room for steel rods in either spouse in a godly marriage. Steel rods make for very lonely people living in the same house. If something is so important that you are willing to sacrifice the health of your marriage on the altar of it, you’d better make sure it is worthy of that sacrifice. Did your wife ask you to lie on your tax return? Did your husband ask you to steal something? It had better be that serious.

We need to lovingly listen to one another. And when we come to an impasse or a disagreement that just can’t be bridged, then the husband needs to lovingly assert his God-given authority and the women needs to humbly submit to that authority.*

And don’t forget to pray together. And pray for each other. If you and your spouse are struggling through something and you feel really strongly about it, speak softly** and pray that your husband or wife would really hear you. And be humble enough to ask the Lord to show you if you are the one who needs to change your mind.

Love, kindness, and humility bring not only a lasting marriage but a healthy marriage. Let’s strive to have healthy, long-lasting marriages. Let’s show the world that marriages modeled after God’s Word are not only different but, oh, so rewarding!

*Ephesians 5:22-33: 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. ²⁴ Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.
²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, ²⁶ that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, ²⁷ that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. ²⁸ So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. ³⁰ For we are members of His body,^[d] of His flesh and of His bones. ³¹ “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”^[e] ³² This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. ³³ Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

**Proverbs 15:1: A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.