Friendship – Page 2 – Growing 4 Life

The Other Side of the Equation

7 Comments / May 31, 2018 May 31, 2018

On Monday I wrote about the “Tactless Art of Making People Feel Small”. In that post I shared how important it is that we treat others as we want to be treated instead of acting like we are better than they are. It was an important post because it’s an easy (and acceptable) sin to commit. I hope you will take the time to read it if you haven’t done so yet.

Ironically…

On Tuesday (the day after that post was written), I was planting flowers for a few of our customers. I actually don’t do a whole lot of on-the-job work for our landscaping company but planning and planting the flowers in the busy month of May is something my husband has asked me to do.

Our second job of the day took us to the house of a customer who has mastered the art of making others feel small. We just know that this is the case with him and I tried to prepare myself for his condescension and abrasive attitude. While we were there he came out of the house and got into this car that was parked in the driveway. I glanced over with a smile and a ready wave, but he completely and absolutely ignored my daughter and me planting flowers in his front yard as he drove away in his {very expensive} car. And, yes, I’m pretty sure he knew we were there. That’s just the kind of guy he is. This is not the first time this kind of thing has happened and I am sure it won’t be the last. Unfortunately.

But my reason for writing is not this customer’s treatment of me. Rather, it is about my very wrong reaction to his treatment of me.

I was actually rather surprised at the intensity of the feelings that stirred up in my heart against him. Who does he think he is? The smallness I felt was almost tangible and my first reaction was indignation and animosity towards him.

The Holy Spirit almost immediately convicted me as I realized that this man doesn’t know the Lord. He is lost in his sins and my sinful anger won’t help Him to know my Savior but, in fact –should he ever find out my bad attitude towards him–would serve to drive him away from Christ. This really had me thinking as I sat there digging holes in the dirt and planting pink supertunias.

You see, there is another side to this equation of making someone feel small and that is: How we respond when someone makes us feel small. Because I think we have all been there. Whether it’s a customer who thinks they are better than us, an arrogant co-worker or boss who is constantly demanding things from us, a friend who directs unkind, sarcastic remarks at us, or any other countless situations that remind us that there are those who think we just aren’t important, all of us have been there at one time or another.

And how do we respond? Actually, don’t answer that. If you are like me, you won’t be very proud of the answer.

So let’s, instead, go to the Bible and see how we should respond–

First, Jesus tells us to love our enemies in Matthew 5:44: But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you.

While this is talking specifically about those who hate us, I think we can safely say that if we are to love those who hate us, we should do the same for those who would make us feel small. It is easy to build a lot of resentment and bitterness towards someone who does this because it feels so very personal. But, instead, we must forgive and then forgive again. We must let the remarks roll off our backs without building up a mountain of anger inside that festers.

In fact, Jesus tells us in Matthew 18:21-22 that we are to continue to forgive someone, even if they continue to hurt us: Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” ²²Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.

This can be hard to do with someone who is making us feel so incredibly unimportant and small.

(And if I may go down a quick bunny trail–I had to wonder why I was so angry about this as I stood in the front yard with my frozen smile on my face as I watched him drive away. And I realized it is that ugly old sin of pride cropping up yet again!! It revealed my own ugly self-importance that will probably plague me my whole life. And it makes me glad, once again, for a wonderful Savior who covers my sin and makes me right before God.)

And, second, I think it’s important we take it a step further as we respond to people like this by remembering that something is going on. While many of us struggle with making people feel small on occasion, there are those who do this to us all the time, which makes it harder to forgive. And yet, we have to understand that if someone is living in a pattern of this type of behavior, we can know that they are either lost and headed to hell in their arrogance and pride or they are saved but struggle with a deep-seated problem of insecurity and the only way to make themselves feel better is to make others feel small. Either way, they should be the recipients of our forgiving loving-kindness that would echo the same forgiveness and loving-kindness that God showed us– But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.(Romans 5:8).

If we need to wait for someone to treat us kindly before we treat them kindly, we are doing it all wrong. God can fill us with His love for someone like this, if we only just ask Him.

And, finally, we have to remember to put ourselves on the back seat and consider our ultimate objective–to save those who are lost and to draw believers to the Word of God and to walk closer with Him. What reaction will best further this goal? Instead of worrying about our foolish pride, we must toss it aside as the rubbish it is and turn our eyes towards eternal matters. What does it matter if someone thought they were better than us if they end up in hell?? It is sobering to think how often we let self keep us from our ultimate objective.

Anyway, these are all the things I have been thinking about since that incident on Tuesday. I am sure that some of you do not struggle in the same way with that ugly root of pride, but for those of you that do, I hope that this post has encouraged you. God’s Word has the answers, it is just a matter of obeying it. Therein lies the real challenge.

The Tactless Art of Making People Feel Small

2 Comments / May 28, 2018 May 28, 2018

There is a way to instantly get on someone’s bad side. This builds walls between parents and children and creates barriers between friends. It can ruin ministries and destroy relationships.

I have seen it take place between adult children and their elderly parents. And between teenagers and their bewildered parents. I have seen it take place between teacher and student, pastor and congregation member, husband and wife, and clerk and customer.

It isn’t talked about a whole lot as a sin, but it is a very real (and accepted) sin for which we need to be on guard at all times.

So what is it, you may ask?

It is the art of making people feel small. The great art of condescension, which is defined as an attitude of patronizing superiority; disdain.

Have you ever been around someone who has done this to you?

How did this make you feel?

I can tell you how it makes me feel. It makes me feel unimportant and ridiculous. It makes me feel that I have no more value than a bug to be squashed on the sidewalk.

I know I have done this to others myself and I mourn over this. Do you feel the same way? Some of us are more prone to this than others.

I am especially heart-broken when I see this happen between adult children and their elderly parents. The rolling eyes, the patronizing attitude as I watch an adult child treat their parent with such disdain just fills me with sadness. Shouldn’t someone who raised us be worthy of our respect?

Now, first let me state that I have not been in the place of taking care of elderly parents yet. All four of our parents are still very independent so please know that I am not casting a pointing finger of judgement at any of you. I know there are real challenges in being a caregiver for someone who resists your care.

Rather, what I hope to do with this post is to gently encourage you to consider your communication with and attitude towards your elderly parents. And your children. Your co-workers and fellow believers and family members and friends. And clerks and bank tellers and landscapers and the people who pick up your trash.

Because there is little more to crush the spirit of another than to act like you know everything and they know nothing. Anger and frustration quickly build when someone gives the impression that they are way more important than the other person. There are few things that will as quickly create barriers between people than for one person to make another one feel stupid.

I’ve experienced both ends of the spectrum on this. I used to be condescending on a regular basis with my husband. It shames me to say it, but it’s true. I am thankful that he brought this to my attention and that God has worked in my heart but I am still so imperfect in this area (as well as so many others!) And, as lowly landscapers, we often feel condescension from those who would never choose a laborious job such as working with their hands and digging in the dirt. Quite thankfully, we have so many wonderful customers that make up for those that would treat us like dirt–no pun intended!! ;)

And, as is the case with all sin, the ugly root of this sin is pride. And, once again, we see clear evidence that–

Pride destroys and humility repairs

Pride builds walls and humility tears them down

Pride leads to dissension and humility leads to harmony

Another thing we need to keep in mind in regards to condescension is that it can be done with a big smile and sweet words. Have you ever run into one of those people that appear so sweet and kind but underneath it is hardened pride that keeps you from having any productive conversations with them? They are condescending but it is in the nicest way. In some ways this is the art of making people feel small at its finest. It can be done while still maintaining a godly and wholesome reputation.

So how do we keep ourselves from falling prey to this sin? What can we do to make sure we don’t patronize others? These are two things that I have found helpful, so I am passing them along–

1. Remember how Jesus treated others.

Jesus was never patronizing with people. We read of so many accounts he had with others–Zaccheus, the Samaritan Woman, Nicodemus, and others and condescension is never conveyed by even the slightest word or deed. Even when Jesus was angry with the Pharisees for their false teaching, He demonstrated that anger in clearly communicated words and not through snide and sarcastic condescension. Jesus’s sinless example is the one we want to follow as we reflect on how we should treat others.

2. Treat others as you would want to be treated.

Mark 12:31 says this: And the second, like it, is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”

Love your neighbor as yourself. How would you want someone to tell you a hard truth? How would you want your adult child to treat you if you were the elderly parent losing your ability to do things independently and your dignity right along with it? Imagine yourself in the other person’s shoes and really take to heart how you would want to be treated if you were them.

Remembering these two things will bring a big change in this area of condescension. Keeping these in mind will fill us with a special grace and thoughtfulness that will naturally yield an attitude of loving-kindness and gentleness towards others rather than an air of superiority and disdain.

So let’s discard the tactless art of making people feel small and develop the art of making people feel special! Let’s eliminate the destructive root of pride that yields a superior, patronizing disdain for others and, instead, develop godly humility that tears down barriers and builds relationships.

This is God’s will for all of us, so we know His Holy Spirit will guide and direct us as we seek to make changes. We know that this is a prayer that God will answer if we are seriously seeking to do what’s right. God will be with us all as we seek to build rather than to tear down and as we strive to make others feel important and loved rather than stupid and worthless.

An Unpleasant and Unpopular Truth

4 Comments / April 30, 2018 April 30, 2018

God, through the writing of Paul, gives us such a clear picture of what an unregenerate soul looks like. This is especially clear in the third chapter of Titus, but we find it in many other passages, as well.

I find it curious that–while this is so clear in scripture–so few pastors and teachers are willing to teach that this kind of life would indicate that someone is in danger of hellfire. It would appear that, if someone professes with their mouth that they are saved and yet has no fruit to back up that profession, we have adopted a “hands-off” approach, yielding to the politically-correct dogma that would teach that to challenge their profession of faith would be to demean, belittle, or even hate them.

But could anything be further from the truth? Wouldn’t the most loving thing to do in a situation like this be to show them the truth from God’s Word? Let’s take a look at how the Word describes unbelievers and believers. (When describing unbelievers it refers to ingrained patterns of behavior where there is no conviction, no confession, and no repentance and where there is no effort to remove oneself from temptation or the sinning behavior. Keep in mind that no person–believers included–can ever be sinless. The key is the battle. True believers hate sin and continue to fight it, always working, through the power of the Holy Spirit, to grow in their sanctification and holiness.)

Okay, let’s take a look at some of these passages–

For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another. (Titus 3:3)

The unregenerate are foolish, disobedient, easily led astray, and slaves to various passions and pleasures. They pass their days in malice and envy. They are hated by others and they hate one another.

This is how the Word describes us before we are saved. As unpleasant as it is to contemplate, we have to admit that if someone lives like this–day in and day out–without any conviction or desire to change, we have to recognize that they are probably not saved, no matter what they say with their mouth. True belief is always revealed by actions.

Let’s think of this in terms of a marriage. If a husband says he loves his wife but then he cheats on her and abuses her and fills their home with the things she hates, then we have to conclude that he is only saying the words but doesn’t really mean them. His actions have not backed up his words.

Let’s go back to Titus 3. After describing the unredeemed, Paul then goes on to pen these verses–

⁴But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, ⁵he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, ⁶whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, ⁷so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life. (Titus 3:4-7)

This is the difference that Jesus makes! Isn’t this a beautiful thought? We are redeemed and changed through God’s transforming power!

When we minimize the transformation of a saved soul through the blood of Jesus Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit we diminish the miraculous and radical thing that salvation really is. When we don’t expect someone to grow or we nonchalantly classify someone as “definitely saved” when they give no evidence of it, we belittle the work that Jesus Christ did on the cross.

Let’s look at a few more verses that would indicate the differences between believers and unbelievers. I can think of no better place to go for this than Galatians 5:16-24–

But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. ¹⁷For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. ¹⁸But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. ¹⁹Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, ²⁰idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, ²¹envy,^[d] drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do^[e] such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. ²²But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. ²⁴And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

Here we find a long and comprehensive list of the sins of the flesh. This whole list–like it or not–describes the unregenerate. How do I know this for sure? It is in verse 22 with that little word “but” where we can see that the fruits of the Spirit are in total opposition to the works of the flesh. Verse 24 clarifies further: And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. This is what believers do–we have crucified, we continue to daily crucify–the flesh. Any person who isn’t willingly doing this or isn’t even slightly interested in doing this is giving evidence that they very well may not be saved.

Look–I don’t take joy out of saying this. I wish it were different. But this is what the Word of God says. I know that this is an extremely unpopular message in today’s church. I do get that. In fact, just yesterday I saw a post by a very popular “Christian” blogger who declared on Twitter that she could never serve a God who would send most everyone to hell. The comment thread that followed made anyone who did believe in what the Bible teaches about hell look ridiculously archaic and incredibly stupid.

But should unpopularity keep us from speaking the truth as we find it in the Bible?

Galatians 5 would indicate that after we are saved and the Holy Spirit indwells us, our lives should increasingly show the fruits of the Spirit which are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Now none of us exhibit these fruits perfectly. And none of us live our new life in Christ without fighting some of these sins of the flesh. Some of us have victory in one of these areas, while others remain a lifelong challenge for us. But remember–the key is in the battle. This is the sin nature and we know that we will fight this battle against sin until the day we die (Romans 7:18-25). While this can be a discouraging thought, we also have these marvelous promises–

Romans 6:6 – Knowing this, that our old man is crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be destroyed, that henceforth we should not serve sin.

2 Corinthians 5:17 – Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.

Philippians 1:6 – Being confident of this very thing, that He which hath begun a good work in you will perform [it] until the day of Jesus Christ:

The battle with sin may be always with us but we never have to serve sin again. We have a new Master who walks with us, works in us for His glory, and we are new creatures living for God.

One who is regenerated gives evidence of this in their life. The one who is not saved lives for himself/herself.

How many people claim the name of Christ today and yet live wholly and fully for themselves? How many say they walked the aisle or said a prayer and yet haven’t given any evidence of a transformed life in Christ? The numbers that fall into this category are staggering. And yet, somehow, the church has sanctioned this and would criticize not the hypocrite but those who would reveal this tragic truth that is clearly taught in scripture (Matthew 7:15-20).

I would like to just add one final thing as I close and this is a really important aspect of this conversation: None of us knows what is going on in the heart of any person. Only God knows. I would never–and you should never–tell someone they aren’t saved. There is no possible way for us to know this and that is God’s job. But what we can do is lovingly point them to what God’s Word says about their lifestyle, behavior, or actions. We can pray for opportunities to talk with them about their lack of fruit or disinterest in living a holy life. We can open our eyes to the possibility that they might not be saved and begin diligently praying for them instead of living in the comfortable place of naive assumptions.

Because the stakes are high. So high.

We know of this danger because Jesus Christ makes it clear for us in these verses–

Matthew 7:14 For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.

Matthew 7:21-23 Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. ²²On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ ²³And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’

There are few sadder verses in scripture than these. Let’s take them to heart, dear reader. Not only for ourselves but for those we love. We never want to leave unsaid what could have–and should have– been said. Life is so fragile. I have become more aware of that than ever these last few weeks. When our loved ones are snatched away by that great thief, Death, we don’t want to be left with uncertainty when we ask that final question: Where are they now?

How Do I Respond to My Enemies?

2 Comments / April 23, 2018 April 23, 2018

So often Christians find themselves at odd with other Christians. There will be two true believers who just do not agree. Whether it’s a disagreement over something as simple as a remodeling project at church or it’s a deeper issue of how a certain scripture passage should be interpreted, we will always find someone that we will disagree with about something.

What keeps two people who disagree with each other from being enemies? What brings true Christian unity?

Please keep in mind that this post is referring to unity between true believers and not to the “fake” unity that warmly embraces all perversions of the Gospel and even religions that don’t adhere to the Gospel at all to be unified under the broad term of “Christianity”. We know that this kind of unity is not biblical, according to Galatians 1:9–

As we have said before, so now I say again, if anyone preaches any other gospel to you than what you have received, let him be accursed.

But there is something that is called true, Christian unity. This unity can only exist between brothers and sisters in Christ. This kind of unity keeps us moving toward the same goals and embracing the same purpose. This unity builds bridges instead of walls. It will fill Christians with loving concern for one another instead of filling them with grudges, resentment, and jealousy.

This sounds so wonderful, doesn’t it? But it is often hard to find. Why is this?

Why does someone decide they do not like someone?

Sometimes we don’t care for someone based on a shallow, silly thing. And then there are also better reasons, based on things like biblical error or a prideful, arrogant spirit that is consistently divisive.

But we have to ask ourselves: Are any of these reasons good enough? If you were to stand before God today and tell Him your reason for not liking a certain person, would He say, “Way to go, my child. I agree with you completely.” ??

Of course we know the answer, don’t we? Because we know that God is love. We shouldn’t view anyone as an enemy, much less a brother or sister in Christ.

Romans 12:8 puts it like this–

If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.

We should, to the best of our ability, work at being at peace with everyone, believer and non-believer. This verse naturally brings two thoughts to my mind.

First, what if someone won’t be at unity with me?

Of course, since we know that the world will hate us (John 15:19), we know that it isn’t always possible to be at peace with those in the world. But sometimes it is a fellow Christian who refuses to forgive us. Or perhaps they just don’t like us but won’t tell us why. What then? These kinds of situations are heart-breaking and lead to feelings of helplessness as we try to navigate the back-biting, the whispering, and the cold shoulders.

I have a friend who taught me an important lesson about this very thing. Our daughters were playing soccer together and something happened to her little girl that could have started some real drama on the team. And this was her advice to her daughter, “kill them with kindness”. I heard her say that so often when her daughter would feel slighted or frustrated about something. And then, following her example, I started to say this to my kids. Yes, this is what we are called to do.

In fact, Jesus takes it even further in Matthew 5:43-44, telling us to love them, bless them, do good to them, and to pray for them!–

You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ ⁴⁴But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you.

This is a tall order, is it not? But there it is. Commanded by Jesus in the Holy Bible. Instead of gossiping, instead of returning the coldness, instead of resentment or anger, we love, we bless, we do good things, and we pray for them.

But we do this because it is right, not because it will necessarily change anything. Let’s go back to the beginning of Romans 12:18–

“if it is possible, as much as it depends on you”

We know from these words that Paul realized it isn’t always possible. It is part of living life as a sinner, alongside sinners, in a fallen world. Sometimes we just have to follow Jesus’s words and find contentment even when there is no resolution and no forgiveness. A hard thing, indeed. But, you know what? This is just another thing that God uses to grow us and to teach us that we must find our peace and joy in Him alone.

Second, we won’t be best friends with everyone.

Even among truly unified Christian brothers and sisters, there will be those who are “kindred spirits” and those who are not. And that’s okay. But so often special friendships between Christians are viewed with resentment or jealousy. As believers we should realize that we will be better friends with some than others. It is how God designed us. Remember David and Jonathan? If you read I Samuel 18, you will realize that their friendship was very special. Once in a while, God will bring these special Christian friends into our world. They are true treasures and, instead of feeling jealous, we should be glad for others if they have found a special friend.

If we are still longing for this type of friendship, then pray and ask God to bring you a friend. I remember as a young mom feeling the need for this type of friend and so, unbeknownst to me, my mom started praying. And within a year or so of her prayers, God led me to Deb. We realized we were kindred spirits as we sat in a group of women and chatted and, shortly after, became best friends. Don’t underestimate the power of prayer if you need a friend!

And then there are those fellow Christians in our lives who could never be a kindred spirit. In fact, some of them drive us a little crazy. We may feel guilty if we don’t appreciate a Christian brother or sister like we know we should. What then?

God made us all different and certain personalities may grate on us. We may find them hard to get along with or their mannerisms alone might irritate us. They may be boastful or arrogant.

But if we take a look at Philippians 2:1-2, we have to acknowledge that God doesn’t give us any caveat for difficult people–

Therefore if there is any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and mercy, ²fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind.

We are to be like-minded with all Christians–as much as it depends on us. We obviously can’t control the other person.

So how do we do this? How can we be like-minded? These verses show us–we have the same love, the same accord, the same mind as our fellow Christians. This can only be done if we are diligently studying the scriptures together, submitting our desires and wills to God, joyfully obeying the commands we find there, while increasing our knowledge of God. When people are not getting along, it often goes back to this. Biblical illiteracy once again rears its ugly head in church matters.

And, along with knowing God’s Word, we find the oil that keeps things working together smoothly in Colossians 3:14–

And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

I Corinthians 13:4-6 gives us a description of this love that will break down barriers and bind Christians together in perfect unity–

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

And I Peter 4:8 is further confirmation of this idea that love will bring unity–

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

Even when we don’t particularly appreciate a fellow Christian, we can love them. We are commanded to love them. And we should thank the Lord for them, for they are helping us to grow in patience and self-control!

Enemies are just part of life. If we are going to take any stand at all on the things that matter, we will have enemies. We cannot control how they treat us, but we can control how we treat them. And let’s intentionally work at not having needless enemies. We must back away from the stuff that doesn’t matter. Will it matter in a hundred years what color carpet is used in the church? Is a slight difference in how someone interprets the book of Revelation really a cause for division? Let’s wisely and, oh so carefully, choose our battles. Most hills we choose to stand on are just not worth dying on. We don’t always have to be right. We don’t always have to have our way. So often it just doesn’t matter.

And most of all, when we find ourselves in the midst of a heated disagreement with a fellow Christian or facing a full-blown enemy, then let’s love them. Love them, bless them, do good to them, and pray for them. If you don’t remember anything else from this post, I hope you will remember these words of Jesus.

How Do You Listen to Gossip?

6 Comments / April 19, 2018 April 19, 2018

Have you ever had one of those conversations where you are talking about a TV show like it’s really happening? The people, the situations, the happenings? I had one of those the other day and as I walked away from that conversation, I realized that we often have more loyalty for and kindness and grace towards people on TV.

I know it seems silly to even compare the two, since we are obviously personally affected by real people so that makes all the difference in the world, but it does seem sad that we can keep so level-headed and impartial when discussing TV friends and completely lose that when discussing real people.

Of course, we shouldn’t really be discussing real people most of the time. Sure, there are instances where we need to work through a problem with a trusted, godly friend or mentor, but, overall, we should not be talking about people. Ephesians 4:29 says this: Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.

But this is not a post about spreading or speaking gossip. It’s a post about listening to gossip and our subsequent actions after we’ve heard it.

So many of us hear will listen to someone talk about someone and, instead of defending them or kindly asking them to stop, we will just jump right in and join the conversation. Or we will listen without speaking while making assumptions that will change our friendship with the person being spoken about. There is no grace. No kindness. No loyalty.

Or perhaps someone will talk about someone behind their back, telling you terrible things that person said about you. What do you do? Do you do what you should?

This happened to friends of ours. But let me first give some background. We had made a really, really tough decision after much prayer and agony. Because of the nature of the decision, there were many rumors flying around about us and lies told. We know of at least three specific lies that were told about us that made their way to our ears “through the grapevine”.

But only one couple actually loved us enough to call us. The wife called and asked us specifically if we had said such-and-such about them. My heart sank when I realized that someone I had trusted had said such a vicious thing about us. But, even in my dismay, I realized that this couple–instead of believing the worst–loved us enough to confront us and ask us about it.

We lost a lot of friends through those swirls of rumors and accusations, but these two remain our friends to this day. They exemplified what true biblical love and friendship are. They didn’t believe the worst about us, as seems to be the natural thing to do, but they bravely went right to the source. They cared enough to ask.

So what do we do when we hear gossip? Do we automatically believe it? Do we jump on the bandwagon and join the fun? Do we internalize it and allow it to create a cool distance with the person who has absolutely no idea what was said behind their back?

We have to be oh, so careful of this, don’t we? So many of us who wouldn’t ever be caught gossiping just aren’t very good at listening to gossip.

So how should we listen to gossip? Let’s see what scripture says–

First, we should view them as innocent until proven guilty. If there is a personal accusation involved, ask them lovingly and kindly if the words spoken are true. If they aren’t, move on. If they are, forgive and move on. Life is just too short for grudges. It really is. (Of course, this is the “simplified model” of relationships and it doesn’t always work. Especially with those who have no evidence of the fruit of the Spirit in their lives.)

Colossians 3:12-14 Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; ¹³bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. ¹⁴But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection.

Second, we should not let it affect our relationship with them. Does it really matter? Does it affect you personally? If the answer is no (and most times it is) then just continue your relationship with that person. Remember that you don’t know any of the details at all. You don’t know the situations, the circumstances, the agony, the fear, the anxiety that was all part of that person’s journey to whatever choice they made. Unless it is something that is currently hurting you, them, or others around them, just forget you heard it. We all have done things in the past we aren’t proud of, am I right??

Luke 6:31 And just as you want men to do to you, you also do to them likewise.

Third, if what you hear is about a Christian involved in sin (such as that person is involved in an affair or addicted to a substance), prayerfully consider speaking to them about it. Talk with a trusted leader in your church or some other godly person you know to ask for their advice.

Galatians 6:1 Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted.

Fourth, pray for that person. Instead of letting gossip fill your heart with disgust or anger or frustration, let it fill your heart with love and compassion that will remind you to pray. Oh, how often we accuse, examine, and talk about without ever lifting that person up before the throne of Grace.

James 5:16 Confess your trespasses^[e] to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.

Fifth, and when appropriate, steer the conversation a different way. You be the one to change the course of the discussion. Instead of joining, be the deflector. Instead of listening, be the one who changes the direction.

Proverbs 16:24 Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, Sweetness to the soul and health to the bones.

As always, I offer this post not as someone who has this nailed down but, instead, as a lowly servant of Jesus Christ who still struggles with all of this. As I write, I can see so many weaknesses in my own handling of gossip. God’s Word powerfully convicts you and me to grow in our faith and move beyond the status quo Christianity that so easily ensnares us.

I leave you with these beautiful verses from I Corinthians 13. We most often hear these spoken at weddings, as two people pledge their lives to one another. But perhaps we should read them every day. They remind us of not only the spirit with which we should listen to gossip, but also give us a pattern for how we should treat others in every other way, as well.

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; ⁵does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; ⁶does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; ⁷bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

You Can’t Have Your Cake and Eat It, Too

6 Comments / January 25, 2018 January 25, 2018

Have you ever noticed that almost everyone loves Chick-Fil-A? The other day we went to one for a mid-week lunch and it was lined up almost to the door. In a world where fast food has lost much of its popularity and is considered quite unfashionable, Chick-Fil-As are still always busy. Why is this?

I believe it is because when you go there you will find their restaurants clean and organized and the employees respectful and helpful. Of course this isn’t true across the board, but there is a much greater chance of finding a Chick-Fil-A like this than any other fast food restaurant.

How does the owner of Chick-Fil-A accomplish this? This article states that Truett Cathy screens his franchise owners. They must exhibit Christian values and be involved in their communities. It’s a Huffington Post article that puts a negative spin on it (of course!). But, actually, what Cathy is doing is completely lawful. He’s protecting the reputation of Chick-Fil-A, which he owns. (Funny how you never see Huffington Post talk about the unfairness of progressives forcing business owners to bake wedding cakes…)

So why does having Christian values make a difference?

The Bible teaches us many things about life and human relationships. And it is clear that when we put them into practice, life is generally better. We avoid so much heartache and pain and generally experience so much more peace and joy when we don’t lie, steal, cheat, or hate. We have a much more restful home when we love, forgive, discipline our children, treat one another with respect and kindness, and live out the roles God has established for Dads, Moms, and kids. And we run much better restaurants and companies when we are honest, fair, train our employees to treat others with respect and kindness, and operate with integrity.

Christian principles make for a better restaurant, family, church, workplace, and LIFE.

Psalm 1 puts it this way–

Blessed is the man
Who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly,
    Nor stands in the path of sinners,
    Nor sits in the seat of the scornful;
²But his delight is in the law of the Lord,
    And in His law he meditates day and night.
³He shall be like a tree
    Planted by the rivers of water,
    That brings forth its fruit in its season,
    Whose leaf also shall not wither;
And whatever he does shall prosper.

⁴The ungodly are not so,
But are like the chaff which the wind drives away.
⁵Therefore the ungodly shall not stand in the judgment,
Nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous.

⁶For the Lord knows the way of the righteous,
But the way of the ungodly shall perish.

The ironic thing is that even unbelievers love what results from living this way, don’t they? Chick-Fil-As are filled with customers who are unbelievers. It is because they love the outcome of this unappealing way of life, they just don’t want to do the work or make the sacrifices to have that same outcome in their own personal lives.

This goes the same for parenting. The world (and even other Christians who are following the world when it comes to disciplining their children) longingly watch parents who are actually enjoying their well-behaved and respectful children. But these godly parents are diligently following scriptural principles and making sacrifices to experience God’s wonderful promise that children are a reward (Psalm 127:3). It doesn’t just happen. Other parents watching them–whose children are unruly and unmanageable and make life so difficult– long to have the same results as their friends. But they are completely unwilling to follow the biblical principles in order to do so.

Well, you just can’t have your cake and eat it, too.

You can’t have the positive effects of living life based on Christians principles without…actually living life based on Christian principles. And that does take work and sacrifice and usually comes with its own share of mocking and ridicule, no matter where you live.

Interestingly enough, one can actually live a life based on the principles of the Bible without actually being a Christian and fare pretty well from a temporal perspective. I have seen this many times. Couples that live out and have instilled these Judeo-Christian values in their kids and who are living a life of harmony and success because of it. (In fact, these actually can be some of the hardest people to reach because they don’t see their need for a Savior.)

Perhaps this, too, is why America was so wonderful for so long. Perhaps this is why she attracted so many from countries all around the world. Being based on those same Christian principles created her reputation of being fair and free and safe and full of opportunities.

Of course, that’s all changing rapidly now.

We can’t change the world. But we can, like Truett Cathy, change our corner of the world. We can change our families by following God’s ordained roles for men and women and by training our children according to biblical principles. We can change our place of employment by doing our jobs with integrity, honesty, and diligence. We can change our churches by teaching the Bible, treating others with grace and mercy, and by calling out sin. Living life according to biblical principles not only makes our lives better but it also makes life better for those who live with and around us.

God wrote the Bible for us. He wrote every word for a reason. Our job is to study it and to live it out. Psalm 1 is not a promise but a principle. Some Christians have really hard lives and hardly seem to prosper at all. But you can never judge a book by its cover. The poorest Christian may be much more prosperous in eternal treasure than the richest one.

One thing we do know for sure: The way of the ungodly shall perish.

What Does Your Love for Self Cause You to Do (or Not Do)?

2 Comments / January 22, 2018 January 22, 2018

The last week or so, I have been really reflecting on how much we all do because we are concerned about our own selfish good. This has come about through a couple of conversations, through a sermon of by Pastor Dean (found here), and through our Sunday School study of Philippians. As I mulled these things over during the past few days, I recognized the two things they all pointed to: A Savior that never did anything–not even one tiny thing–out of selfishness. And, second, the weakness of believers–those that the Savior has saved–that can hardly do anything without at least a tinge of selfishness.

Selfishness gets almost all of us in one way or another, doesn’t it? Sometimes we are obvious in how we go about it–we demand our way, our rights, our desires. We are very noticeably selfish. But, for others of us, we are viewed as the nicest, most unselfish people in the world, even while we are being selfish. We agree with everyone, we don’t confront, we don’t have the hard conversations–all because we hate conflict and we don’t want to rock the boat. We will selfishly do anything to avoid even a hint of controversy.

For others of us self takes on a whole life of its own, as we grasp for praise and glory, growing comfortable in a life of boasting so that we can make sure others see how great we are. Pride grows out of self-absorption and we start to believe we know everything and, along with this, comes the insatiable desire to win every argument and always be “right”. Even when it doesn’t matter at all.

And then for others, we like our comfort and our relationships and our churches and we just aren’t willing to sacrifice them to stand up for what’s right. Again, love of self rears its ugly head. When it comes right down to it, we’d rather have a friend go to hell and still have them as a friend, than to risk that friendship to share the Gospel.

Now, don’t get me wrong–I am not saying that we should always speak up. There is great wisdom in knowing when not to speak. I tend to be one of those that speaks up too much and I have spent a lifetime working on timing and, most often, not speaking at all and praying instead.

But sometimes we do need to speak up–especially when it concerns the Gospel and other biblical matters. Knowing how to do that gently and with love is important. I’ve mentioned this before, but one of my greatest concerns in the area of discernment is how unloving these “discerners” can be–treating it as if they are on a treasure hunt and it is some great competition. Some even seem to gloat with glee when they discover something. Pride is often rearing its ugly head in these scenarios. (Okay, that was a bit of a rabbit trail, but I just had to say it!)

Our struggles with selfishness show themselves in our homes as parents and spouses (As we fervently avoid battles, insist on being right, are lazy in nurturing and disciplining our kids, and as we lack a servant’s heart–home always tells the true tale); in our churches (as we insist on certain ways to do insignificant things and as we are unwilling to call out sin); and in our work places (as we demand our desires or stay quiet at the water cooler.) This is the nitty gritty of Christian living for all of us. If you will allow me to use a cliche: This is where the rubber meets the road.

The key is this: We always have to ask ourselves–why are we speaking up? Why are we not speaking up? Why are we doing a certain action? Or not doing a certain action? Why are we thinking what we are thinking? And then we must run it all through the grid of the Word, making sure that our own desires aren’t getting in the way of speaking, doing, and thinking what’s right.

Truthfully, I don’t know most of you at all. I don’t know how SELF worms its way into your thinking. I don’t know if you are one who demands your own way or if you are someone who sits back and says nothing to avoid conflict. I don’t know if you are someone who is always pushing your own agenda and opinions on others or if you are someone who timidly won’t say anything so as to not rock any boats.

But what I do know is that all of us–in one way or another–fight a battle with our greatest enemy of SELF. Today would be a good day for all of us to take a good look in our hearts and see how we are doing in that battle. Are we winning? Or losing?

Philippians 2:5-8 encourages us to have the mind of Christ. If we read verses 3 and 4 right before this section, we can understand that an important part of having the mind of Christ is diminishing our view of self.

Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. ⁴Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.⁵Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, ⁶who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, ⁷but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. ⁸And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross.

Do we really understand exactly what Christ did by coming to earth?? This is probably worthy of its own post, but, I will just say this: As we begin to grasp and gain a deeper understanding of exactly what Christ did so that we could be saved from eternal damnation, our battle with self takes on a new importance and we gain a deeper desire to win that battle! Our enemy of self must be beaten if we are to be like Christ and if we are going to live effectively for Christ. There is no other way. Selfish people are useless in–and even detrimental to– God’s Kingdom.

As my pastor said the other Sunday in this challenging sermon: There is only one throne in our hearts. Who is on yours?

I leave you with these wise words of John Newton, the former slave trader, who was amazingly saved by grace (and who actually went on to write our beloved hymn Amazing Grace)–

Beware of SELF! This is the worst enemy we have to deal with!

Self-will,
self-wisdom,
self-righteousness,
self-seeking,
self-dependence,
and self-boasting.

It is a large family–and I cannot count up all the branches! They are all nearly related to Satan–and they are all a sworn enemy to our peace.

If we lie low–then the Lord will raise us up.
But if we will be something–then His arm will surely pull us down.

That monster SELF has as many heads as a Hydra, and as many lives as a cat! It is more than twenty-five years since I hoped it was fast nailed to the Cross! But alas, it is alive–and still mixing with and spoiling everything I do!

And to that I say a rousing AMEN!!!

(Note: The Hydra was a serpentine mythological water monster with many heads.
For every head chopped off–the Hydra would re-grow a couple of new heads.)

What You Can’t See

2 Comments / September 25, 2017 July 28, 2023

Last week was spent at the beach with family. It was a wonderful, relaxing time, but now it is time to get back to reality. After being gone for over a week, I am ready to get back to my own space and routine.

The week was full of beautiful summer-like weather and so one evening a few of us headed to the beach. We had visions of sitting on the quiet, empty beach during the evening hours, watching the baby play in the sand and taking in the view. As you can see in the photo above, the view was fantastic. Isn’t it beautiful?

But there are some things you can’t see on the photo. Actually it was more like five million things: Tiny “no-see-ums” — minuscule sand flies that suck blood from their hosts. Right around dusk, these things came out en masse. They were crawling through the baby’s hair, biting our arms and legs, flying around our heads. It didn’t take us very long to pick up our stuff and leave. As we walked across the sand, we carried the heavy beach chair (why did we pick this one??), and a growing baby. And the sand toys kept falling out of the bucket! Our idyllic evening ended up not being very idyllic at all.

But you would never know it from the photo.

Oh, how true this is for any photo you see. It is one of the reasons I don’t really care for photo-driven social media. There is so much you don’t know from a photo. We now make judgments about people based on their photos. Confident selfies, and photos of beautiful homes, happy families, and lots of material “stuff” give us impressions of people. But are they the right impressions?

The photos we see are just like that beach photo. They are lovely but they are not the whole story. Not by a long shot.

Behind a selfie you might find a confident person having a good time. But you may also find insecurity, a longing to be loved, or a desperate need for attention. Behind beautiful photos of homes and families, you don’t see the cereal on the floor, the toddler’s messy hands on the kitchen cabinets, or the muddy footprints brought in after the rain. You don’t see the screaming, the yelling, the crying, the frustration, the irritation, and you can’t see the love, the fun, the joy, the peace. You can’t see anything but a photo. It tells us nothing. Not really.

And, in this day and age, you don’t even know if a photo is telling the truth. With the likes of photo editing software, anyone can make a photo “say” anything. Photos just can’t be trusted as our main source for truth.

So the next time you are tempted to judge someone you know by a photo, think again. It doesn’t tell the whole story about them. It is just a tiny fraction of the whole. If social media causes you to envy and covet and to think about “what if’s”, then perhaps you should consider getting off. Besides it being a sin (I Corinthians 13:4; Galatians 5:26; Ephesians 5:3), life is just too short to constantly be wishing for a different life while yours passes you by.

Last night, as we traveled home from the beach we passed a 55+ community. I looked at my husband and said, “we are almost old enough to live there! How did we get here?”

“We just kept living,” was his astute response.

We just kept living. We all have been blessed with the gift of a certain amount of time. None of us knows exactly how much it will be, but let’s not waste a second of it wishing for someone else’s life.

(By the way, we did find a different beach where we spent two incredibly lovely evenings that were all that the photos imply. Sometimes photos do tell the truth. But sometimes they don’t. We really have no way of knowing when they are or when they aren’t, so we may as well just enjoy them at face value and then move on with life.)

We know we will be fine.

6 Comments / August 7, 2017 August 7, 2017

I am posting this on Monday, the day that I am dropping my youngest daughter off at college. I wrote this post a few days before we left as I started really thinking about what my new life will look like. You see, with her new college adventure, we start our own new adventure, as our nest will officially be empty. It has been quite an interesting summer trying to sort through all of the emotions that surround this moment. Actually, I have been trying to prepare myself for this for quite some time now. (But, honestly, can you prepare for this?)

As my regular readers and real-life friends already know, I tend to be pretty transparent both here on the blog and in day-to-day conversations. And, so, over the last few years, I have shared my thoughts, fears, and emotions regarding this new transition in my life fairly openly. The one thing I was not prepared for was the range of responses I would get from other women. While some women share their own struggles and warmly encourage with tears in their eyes, others casually tell me I will be fine. Still others share how excited they are for this new stage and some even imply that I am somehow being sinful or ridiculous in the struggles I am experiencing as I deal with this new transition.

And so I am writing this post to the women who don’t struggle through this empty nest transition from those of us who do not find it quite as easy. There are some things that are important to share–

First, our sadness over this transition is completely separate from the absolute joy and excitement we feel for our kids. We are thrilled to watch them take this new step of faith. We couldn’t be prouder that they are doing exactly what we have been planning and preparing for all of these years. But this joy for our kids doesn’t take away the deep sadness we feel for ourselves as we approach the end of an era. In fact, this mix of emotions can be rather overwhelming and confusing. Are we happy or are we sad? It changes constantly.

Second, we know we will be fine. Seriously, we understand that things will settle into a new normal. But we need time to grieve. We need just a little time to mourn what was. Please help us if we stay in that place too long or we fall into a pit of despair, but we are going to be the ones who will need a few days or weeks or months to process. One lady recently told me it took her three years until she grew used to her new normal. For many of us, our whole lives were wrapped up in our kids. We never even thought about life beyond them. While this might not have been the wisest thing, it is what it is. Give us a little time to just work our way through it. We are in the process of getting used to a whole new life. We know we will be fine but it’s going to take awhile.

Third, remember that everyone processes things differently. Let’s offer heaps of grace to one another. We are all so different and this is a good thing. Let’s embrace our differences rather than judge one another for them. I am not talking about sin issues here, of course! But when it comes to personality differences or preferences that have nothing to do with biblical standards, let’s just let people be who they are. Some of us will take longer to work through these changes than others and–as long as it doesn’t lead to sinful actions or behavior–this is okay.

Fourth, we already know there are amazing advantages to this time of life. We are looking forward to quiet evenings for reading, hobbies, or walks. We are excited about having a cleaner house. And experiencing freedom we haven’t had in years is very appealing to us. But our enthusiasm for these things doesn’t eliminate our sadness.

Fifth, the sadness we feel is not a reflection of our marriages. We love our husbands and are looking so forward to spending more time with them.

And, sixth, we would love for you to pray for us. Even if you can’t understand us, would you pray for our comfort and strength as we face the end of a much-beloved era? All of the changes that life brings come with their own special challenges. And this one is no exception. We humbly admit that we can’t do this on our own. We need the Lord’s help. Your petitions to Him on our behalf would be such a blessing.

This particular era in a woman’s life tends to be a rather crazy, unpredictable time but if we submit to God and yield to this new season that is upon us, He can use this time to draw us to Himself in a deeper way. As we all process through these changes just a little bit differently, let’s be sure to offer lots of grace to one another (did I say that already?)

So to those of you who were able to have a pretty easy time of watching your birdies fly away, we just want to say: We know that you know we will be fine and we want you to know that we know we will be fine. We just have to work our way through it all.

Because we are all different.

And that’s okay. :)

PLEASE NOTE: I talk to a lot of different people, both online and in real life. This post is not geared towards any particular person or conversation. It is simply my hope that this post will encourage all of us to offer grace to one another.

The Real Description of Love

2 Comments / April 12, 2017 April 12, 2017

What is love? The word “love” is tossed about freely, without much regard to its true meaning. But as I was reading I Corinthians 13 this morning, making a careful list of all that describes love in this passage, it gave me pause. Somehow evaluating each of these words individually was way more convicting than simply reading through the familiar verses.

I wasn’t actually planning on posting today, but as I wrote and pondered, I realized that perhaps some of you, too, would be challenged and convicted by these verses in a way you haven’t been before.

Love is a big word, isn’t it? And it has multiple definitions. But Paul gives us such a beautiful description of love in this chapter. Here is a breakdown of what love looks like in a Christian’s life. Read and be challenged–

Love is patient.
Love is kind.
Love does not envy.
Love does not boast.
Love is not arrogant.
Love is not rude.
Love does not insist on its own way.
Love is not irritable.
Love is not resentful.
Love does not rejoice at wrongdoing.
Love rejoices in the truth.
Love bears all things.
Love believes all things.
Love hopes all things.
Love endures all things.
LOVE NEVER ENDS.

And then let’s not forget this–

We can do all kinds of fabulous things for the Lord. We can speak marvelous, challenging words that encourage people to grow spiritually. We can play beautiful music that leads people in worship. We can even die for Christ. But if all of these things are done without love, they are nothing. They mean nothing. We gain nothing.

Think about that–ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

Imagine with me for just a moment what would happen if all people who claim the name of Christ would put this list into practice. It would literally transform marriages! Heal families! Revolutionize churches! This is a powerful, powerful list.

Unfortunately, this will never happen. But we do have the ability, through the power of the Holy Spirit, to live these out in our own life. May we continue to strive to do this as we grow for life and seek to be like our Savior!

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. ²And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned,^[a] but have not love, I gain nothing. ⁴Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant ⁵or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;^[b] ⁶it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. ⁷Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.⁸Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. (I Corinthians 13:1-8)

Have a great day! And thanks for letting me stop by your in-box on this Wednesday morning! :)